RP: I'm Sorry

[shh_andromeda]

Date: April 9, 2005
Characters: Orla Quirke, Andromeda and Ted Tonks.
Location: The Tonks residence
Status: Private
Summary: Ted has another session with Orla and perhaps gains some new insight.
Completion: Incomplete

Andy walked around the living room aimlessly, waiting for Orla to come for Ted's appointment.  She hadn't spoken to Ted since their blow

Comments

[shh_orla]

"Mr. Tonks, listen to me. Focus on my voice. Keep breathing. In. Out. In. Out. Do you feel your wife holding your hand? She's here, she is safe. You are safe. I want you to keep concentrating on your breathing. ONLY your breathing. I want you to forget everything else. Don't think about it. Just focus on the in and out." Orla spoke calmly, deliberately, but with force, when she saw how close Ted was to going over the edge. "These things will help you. Stay focused on what helps, Mr. Tonks. In. Out. Nod if you understand. Don't speak, just breathe."
Orla leaned towards Andy. "Mrs. Tonks, please take his pulse. When he's back below 100, let me know."
Orla got up and sat on the other side of Ted, saying, "Mr. Tonks, I want you to keep concentrating on your breathing. In and Out. We're going to get up, and retrace your steps through the entire weekend. All the rooms of this house, all of your property. We're going back through those times and we will fill in those gaps. You need to keep breathing, concentrating on in and out, and my voice. Nod yes if you understand, but don't speak."

[shh_ted]

The world was slipping out of focus.

Andy's hands were two cool spots on his skin, her voice a few beautiful notes of song, but he was having a hard time seeing her, he couldn't distinguish actual words, or feel precisely where her fingers were.

Orla's voice joined in, a lower grouping of tones that washed over him like running water, steady and soothing, and slowly, slowly the room righted itself. Both women were leaning toward him, Andy's hand was on his wrist, and Orla was looking at him expectantly.

"I'm sorry," he said in some confusion, "did you ask me something?"

[shh_andromeda]

Andy looked over at Orla worriedly, her grip on Ted's wrist never slacking. She was hardly an expert in mental health, but even she knew that wasn't right. It was almost as if a switch had gone off in Ted's head and he was snapping back to reality from wherever he'd gone. But just to be sure, she spoke up. "Is that - is that normal?" she asked Orla.

[shh_orla]

"It is to be expected, Mrs, Tonks." Orla said reassuringly. "This might happen, more often now, because he's making steps towards healing. Don't be alarmed."

Orla sttod, and gestured to Mr. and Mrs. Tonks to stand with her. "Mr. Tonks, we're going to walk through the house, and I need you to tell me anything you remember. Don't concentrate on the holes in your memory, just focus on what you do remember."

[shh_ted]

"Why would this happen more because I'm healing?" Ted asked in bewilderment. "Wouldn't it happen less?"

He stood up and swayed on his feet for a moment, dizzy, still sick to his stomach and weighed down by an unshakable sense of apprehension. The disagreement with Andy had been knocked down the ladder of priorities by several rungs, and although it stung to let the issue go, what was the point of arguing if he couldn't even get through the conversation?

No point at all, especially since you know they're right...the whole thing was in your head anyway... whispered the voice.

He pressed his palms into his eye sockets, hoping to drive away not only the heckling but the aching of his head as well. "Andy, love, could...could you make some tea. My head is killing me."

Looking over at Orla, he said, "We might as well go in there anyway, that's where the fight started."

[shh_orla]

"Mr. Tonks, until your stress levels reduce, and you gain a sense of control over yourself and surroundings, the potential for these blackouts will be there. It is a sign that you are attempting to address the issue, and that the stress is still high." Orla stood with him, putting a hand out to keep Ted from overbalancing.
She walked with Ted and Andy to the kitchen. She kept talking. "Mr. Tonks, until you believe you're getting better, that this therapy will work, you will keep doubting yourself, and me, and Andy. You have to believe, and take ownership of your health, to move forward."

She looked at Mrs. Tonks. "I didn't want to suggest this until I knew better how Mr. Tonks was going to react to the regression therapy, but I think we might try incorporating a mild relaxing potion, so that Mr. Tonks can begin to relate to these memories and blackouts without stress inducing further incidents. He can have a measure of control on what he relates in these sessions." She looked from Ted to Andy. "With your permission, I can obtain a potion for our next and future sessions."

[shh_andromeda]

Andromeda nodded. "If it's ok with Ted, we can do that."

While Ted and Orla seated themselves at the kitchen table, Andy bustled about preparing tea. It was a welcome distraction from watching her husband distressed and stressed with trying to remember what he'd done the past weekend. The spotty memory, the confusion, the blackouts . . . she knew it was normal for his condition, but it still scared her.

The fight seemed petty (even though she knew it ultimately wasn't) in the light of this new concern of Ted's memory.

Finished with the ritual of making tea (which did calm her a bit), she returned with three mugs, a trivet and a steaming pot of tea. The cream and sugar were already on the table. She sat next to Ted and took his hand, giving it a warm comforting squeeze.

[shh_ted]

Great. So things had gotten so bad that he needed to be sedated. Orla could talk until she was blue in the face about the need for him to believe that all this was working, but how could he? Things were getting worse again, not better.

Ted sank into a chair and, elbows on the table and face buried in his hands, lost in thought until the sound of the tea things being laid on the table drew his attention. Orla and Andy seemed willing to let him sit in peace for a little while; their silent, reassuring presence, combined with the comforting warmth of the tea helped to restore a bit of his equilibrium. Enough to begin talking things out, anyway.

Catching Orla's eye, he took a deep breath and said, "Well, we started in here. We were just talking, and then Andy told me she'd been meeting with...with her sister." It proved impossible, though he tried, not to throw a hurt glance in his wife's direction. "We argued for awhile, and finally I left. Went outside and walked around the yard awhile, came back in when Andy called me for dinner. I couldn't eat, it was...too hard to sit here with her, with all that between us. I ended up just going up to bed early. Fell asleep pretty quickly, I think. Slept like a rock. Which," he admitted with a frown of confusion, "is strange. I haven't slept like that in...well, since before I was captured."

[shh_andromeda]

Andy kept her eyes on the tea in her cup, unable to look up to see the hurt looks she knew were being cast in her direction. She was still hurt by Ted's refusal too, but she couldn't let him see that, not now anyway, not when he already had too much guilt and too many emotions to deal with already.

She only looked up when Ted mentioned that he'd slept like a rock. "Actually, you had some really horrible nightmares that night. You were tossing and turning, crying out in your sleep. The only thing that seemed to calm you down was when I held you. You . . . you don't remember that?"

[shh_ted]

"What?" His head whipped around fast enough to send a jolt of pain down his spine. "No! I don't remember any of that!" He stared at her, and then down at the table, wracking his brain for some memory of that night, or any night since.

"What about the other nights?" he demanded suddenly, looking up at her again. "What was I doing? Was it the same?"

[shh_andromeda]

"The night of the fight was just the beginning," she replied slowly, unconciously reaching out to grip his hand. "Ater that, you've become more agitated in your dreams, lashing out, calling out my name and Nymphadora's. Sometimes you'll scream or yell and it's becoming harder and harder to calm you down or restrain you."

[shh_ted]

"Restrain me? What are you talking about? You've..." he stared in horror, "you've had to do that? Why didn't you tell me that?"

His demand was met with a hard stare from Andy, and he immediately felt ashamed. Right. He'd been avoiding her since Thursday. She'd carried all that, and had to deal with him at night?

He got off his chair and knelt beside her. "Oh, God, love, I'm so sorry...you...you shouldn't have had to deal with all of that." His hand still held hers, and he used his other to brush her cheek.

He shook his head, staring into her eyes. "Why can't I remember?"

[shh_andromeda]

"It's all right, Teddy," Andy whispered turning her cheek into his touch. Merlin, how she'd missed it while they'd been fighting - just simple caresses, casual touches, things she'd gotten used to since he'd come home and especially since he'd come out of his catatonic state. "You had bigger things to deal with, I didn't want to add another one to your pile."

She cupped his hand in hers and turned her head to kiss his palm. "I don't know why you can't remember. Maybe you're so deeply asleep that you dream, but upon waking you forget." She looked over at Orla for confirmation or rebuttal.

[shh_orla]

Orla watched them compassionately. It had to be hard, watching your spouse fade in and out.
"It is possible, and given the stress these dreams cause you, your conscious mind refuses to let you remember then, in a defense mechanism." Orla stood, walking back and forth for a moment. She stopped, facing them.
"Mr. and Mrs. Tonks, I've been approaching all this from a very muggle perspective, as I was trained to do. I think it's time we really start to think like the wizards we are."

Orla took a deep breath, and said with a sigh, "I think I need to consult with a Potions Master. If you don't mind, I'll see if Mr. Slughorn takes commissions. I know the muggle terminology for what I'd like to try, but he'll likely know how to brew something close."

[shh_andromeda]

"What exactly are you asking him to brew?" Andy asked with a hint of trepidation and wariness. She was a bit familiar with Muggle drugs, but having been firmly ensconced in wizarding life (even when she lived in Muggle neighborhoods) for so many years left her mostly ignorant about Muggle methods of healing.

[shh_orla]

"Muggle medicine perscribes fluoxetine, venlafaxin, sertraline, mirtazapine, olanzapine, quetiapine, or lamotrigine. They're all meant to help with equalizing the state of the mind. I'd recommend fluoxetine, but-" She broke off, shaking her head. She sounded incredibly muggle.
"YOu'll need to trust me on this. I know what symptoms we're trying to target with this, so I can work with Slughorn to get a very specific formule specifically for Ted."