Daily Prophet, 5 February
Editor's Letter
Dear Readers,
Many, many thanks to all of the budding reporters who have been sending in articles for publication, after the last issue. As before, The Prophet is in need of such things, and anyone whose work is published will receive compensation. Anyone who is interested in writing for the Prophet on a more permanent basis should also send an owl. We are a small team thus far, and would be happy to have you.
I am also pleased to announce 'Gilded Heart', an advice column for all our dear readers written by none other than Gilderoy Lockhart! I'm sure you will all benefit greatly from his insight.
Rita Skeeter
Acting Editor
Headlines and story summaries:
REBUILDING CULTURE IN STOATSHEAD HILL
Large feature article detailing the opening and plans for new business/cultural centres in Stoatshead Hill. It includes a review of the venue/music/drinks/etc at Xanadu (favourable, but noting that the design/atmosphere is very much a blend of magical and muggle), information about Bookworm (including the grand opening date of Feb 9), a mention of the animal shelter for anyone who wants a pet or would like to help make it a more permanent facility. There is a decent section detailing plans for the museum, including information about planned exhibits and a tentative date for an 'open day'. Also a passage about progress on the library and the plans to make it the new British National. The names of all owners/contributors are included for people who would like to help out (they are Hermione Granger, Cedric Diggory and Blaise Zabini, respectively). Photos of many of the venues are included, taken by Colin Creevey.
LOCAL CELEBRITY INJURED IN FALL
Slightly tongue-in-cheek article about Gilderoy taking a fall, being rescued by a 'quick-thinking fan' and recuperating in hospital/at home among adoring supporters.
International:
BRITISH QUIDDITCH STAR DIES IN BRAWL
In news from the Continent, a brawl outside a Muggle pub in Munich, Germany, has led to the death of three wizards, including one Englishman. The cause of the brawl is unclear, but an unnamed squib witness claimed that it involved a possible breach of the Statute of Secrecy. The English wizard was allegedly attempting to dupe the Muggle publican into accepting muggle currency transfigured from scraps of parchment. The German Ministry recently implemented spells around Muggle establishments to prevent such a practice after a spate of similar incidents.
A team of Aurors and obliviators were quickly dispatched to the scene, and alerted to the situation after overhearing the escalating altercation between the Muggle publican and the wizard. They confronted the wizard in question before a scuffle broke out. The scuffle became violent when the belligerent wizard killed two of the Aurors before he could be taken down.
Killed in the brawl were German Aurors Helga Meinard and Klaus Bergendorf. The deceased victim was English wizard, Miles Bletchley, 26, of Cornwall. No Muggles were killed in the altercation, and several obliviations were carried out.
Bletchley was best known as the Keeper for the Montrose Magpies prior to the disbanding of the Quidditch League. Bletchley had been suspended from the league for temporarily blinding the seeker from the Falmouth Falcons. It is believed that Bletchley moved to Germany during the following year, living out the remainder of his life in relative obscurity.
Article by German correspondent, Leopold Kohlmann
Gilded Heart:
All The Advice You'll Ever Need!
Column by Gilderoy Lockhart
I know that so many of you have been wondering whatever happened to Gilderoy Lockhart after his unfortunate accident that left him hospitalized for so many years. Well, you may all now rest assured that I am back and just as charming as ever. The accident didn't affect my physical appearance at all - you don't need to worry about that. It did, however, require me to postpone my writing until such a time as I would be able to devote myself to it fully.
And how lucky for all of you that the time is now. That's right. Not only am I taking on this advice column as a forum where all of you avid readers may write in seeking counsel from one of the greatest wizards of all time, but I am also preparing a brand new manuscript for publication. As the latest in the series ofGilderoy Lockhart's exciting adventures, it promises to be one of the finest works ever written, and is, as always, completely autobiographical.
Seeing as it's often difficult to start writing an advice column without letters asking for advice, I am happy to say that a few of you witches out there who are exceptionally skilled in divinations, have foreseen the existence of my column, and have taken upon yourselves the initiative to write in ahead asking me for bits of my sage wisdom. For that, I must say, I am grateful. I have received, over the years of my hiatus, thousands of letters from my loyal fans, and I would like to dedicate this column to each and every one of you. Yes, this really is for all of you. For I know that if it weren't for me, your lives would be just as drab and mundane as that of your common, everyday Muggle wearing a three-piece suit. And just the knowledge that I might save you from such a fate is almost enough.
So, without further ado, and with a lightened heart at the prospect of reaching out to my thousands of older fans, and an entirely new generation of young fans, as well, I begin on this venture of writing and publishing in each and every issue for your entertainment, education, and yes, enlightenment, as well.
I received this letter on a Thursday. It was just as bright and gray as any other Thursday here in our lovely country, but it was made even brighter by the arrival of this note from a Mrs. I. M.Wheedlesocks of Lanchester. She wrote:
Dear Gilded Heart,
My husband has insisted on wearing Muggle denim jeans ever since the end of the war. He insists that there are no real alternatives, even though I've offered to take him to Stoatshead Hill (where I've head there's a lovely custom tailor shop just up on the corner of Alpha and A that caters to every Witch and Wizard's fashion needs). How do I get him to start dressing like a wizard again?
~I. M. Wheedlesocks, Mrs.
Well, Mrs. Wheedlesocks, first I would like to congratulate you on being the first ever published in the new "Dear Gilded Heart" Column featured in the Daily Prophet. I know this clipping will make it into your scrapbook, and might I suggest purchasing extra copies so that future generations of Wheedlesocks might enjoy it, as well. It must be quite an honor to have your letter be the very first one to receive a response from the famous Gilderoy Lockhart after his return to fame.
In regards to your situation, I suggest a simple strategy of Compliment, Contradiction, and Coercion.
First, you might compliment your husband on the things he does well. I'm sure he has some redeeming features. Traits or skills you consider valuable enough to have married the man. Compliment him on that - "Darling, you have amazing pores. How do you keep them so tiny, unclogged, and dirt and oil-free?"
Next, you should offer a simple contradiction to your previous compliment. Tell him that although he has magnificent pores or cuticles, or an abnormally low frequency of flatulence, there is something else that it bothering you. Confront him with the problem. You must do this only after complimenting him, as the compliment will serve as a buffer when you get to the crux of the problem. "Although your skin is as lovely like the smooth surface of a freshly plucked peach, I must say that your choice in fashion is not particularly complimentary to someone as stunningly attractive as you, my darling."
Do note how I phrased that last sentence. It's embellished with compliments, and phrased so that he might understand that you're trying to help him, and not degrade, belittle, or otherwise insult his taste in clothes. He must be aware that his attire leaves a lot to be desired, but getting him to acknowledge the fact and do something about it is a much more delicate matter.
So, finally, you're down to the Coercion part. Although many times the simple Compliment and Contradict work well, occasionally they remain ineffective, and one must resort to a form of coercion in order to make the home a more pleasant place in which to live. This isn't nearly as heinous as it sounds. It's simply a matter of manipulating your mate in such a way that he, hopefully, is unaware of the manipulation, and stands to lose something if he does not go along with your wishes. I do not suggest using this as a full frontal assault. No, the coercion stage is only as a last resort, and especially if you choose to use intimacy as a hostage.
For example: "Darling, you know I simply adore the way you've done your hair, and your skin is so breath-takingly beautiful, I often find myself at a loss for words. However, the way you've been wearing that cotton jersey-knit and denim Muggle trousers simply do not compliment your magnificent wizarding stature. If you took to wearing your full wizarding robes all the time, it's quite likely there would be nothing to stop you from being the most stunning wizard in all of Lanchester. It pains me to say this, but when you dress in the Muggle attire, I find it extremely difficult to even consider the possibility of becoming intimate with you, and, indeed, difficult to respect you, as well."
Now, in that last example, I took the liberty of buffering the final Coersion bit with a compliment, as well. It's more of a hypothetical situation in which your husband might become even more impressive should he wear wizarding robes, but such fantasies, no matter how impossible, are still potent and valid compliments.
Might I also suggest that you go ahead and order some robes from that store you mentioned (The Gildery Shoppe, Alpha and A, Stoatshead Hill), so you might have them ready to present to him should he decide he does want to achieve a look of importance, style, charm, and general attractiveness.
Well, now that I have shared even the tiniest fraction of my wisdom with all of you, I'm sure you lives are all considerably richer and more significant. But what is this I hear? "When will we hear from you again, Mr.Lockhart? Where can I send my owls so you might publish and reply to my letters, Mr. Lockhart? Where can I write to request an autographed photo of you, Mr. Lockhart?"
Fear not, my loyal followers! Your beloved Gilderoy Lockhart will share himself with you in each and every issue of the Daily Prophet, and I am always at your disposal should you feel the need to come to me for sage wisdom and advice. Any and all correspondence may be sent to: Dear Gilded Heart, The Daily Prophet, c/o Rita Skeeter,Stoatshead Hill. Any gifts or fan mail may be owled directly to myself, Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin Third Class, The Gildery Shoppe, Stoatshead Hill.
I'm sure you'll look forward to reading my next column, each and every one of you, just as much as I look forward to writing it. Until then, take care, and re-read my books!
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