RP: I worked so hard for that first kiss
Date: 28 November 2004
Character(s): Remus Lupin
Location: The Lupin Home
Status: Private
Summary: At last, Remus reads the journal.
Compeltion: Complete
For nearly three weeks the box had sat untouched in the corner of Remus's living room. It had served as a constant reminder that he was too bloody scared to look in and read the journal. Other bits and pieces had been distributed throughout the house. The valentine replaced in his top desk drawer, the tie to hang from a bed post.
But still, the journal remained completely untouched, save that first heartbreaking peek. One day -- one day he would read it.
Curled up with the last of Gerent's books, Remus found his gaze wandering over to the box. Though he tried to concentrate on the flowery words of Jane Austen, he couldn't hold his attention in one place. Back it kept darting to the journal -- finding that he was desperate to know what Sirius had written. It was like when one was up on a broom for the first time. When told not to look down, the desire to look is so strong -- that when you finally do, you become afraid of falling.
Perhaps that was what Remus was most afraid of: falling. Falling back in love with a man that he had let go so many years ago. Azkaban changed him -- beyond anything Remus could deal with. A few hesitant caresses and one very botched attempt at making love was all he could remember of Sirius. Twelve years in Azkaban had stripped away what could have been a re-coming together.
But Sirius was too damaged. Half the time Remus even wondered if Sirius knew it was him. Or had Remus become another shadow in his mind, slowly stolen away after twelve years' proximity to the Dementors. And Remus was forced to lament the loss of what was -- the only grieving party.
With a resigned sigh, Remus slipped a piece of leather into the book, marking his page. He wouldn't be able to concentrate until he dove into the journal and finally put all of Sirius to rest once and for all. Remus retrieved the journal and returned to his chair, curled up in a half-fetal position. A flick of his wrist summoned an unopened bottle of whiskey. Remus had a feeling he'd need it to get through the journal.
He opened to where he had left off, deciding emphatically that he was going to skip the entry from the 20th of November. Remus rolled his eyes, audibly sighing when he read the date of the next entry. Back to 1971. Apparently Sirius had never heard of such a thing as 'chronological order'.
February 8, 1971
So. Remus is a bloody werewolf. Who'd have thought it? Has to be the brightest bloke in our year (well, aside from myself and James of course). He doesn't act like a werewolf. He doesn't walk around school craving red meat and mauling Snape (even if that would be bloody brilliant).
Frankly, I don't see what he was so worried about. He's an alright bloke by my standings.
Remus smiled, gently running his fingers over the dried ink. That was Sirius -- never stopped to think what others would assume of his behaviour. And accepting others for who they were, not what they were.
Maybe it was because he was the Black in sheep's clothing.
He flipped to another entry, his eyes hovering over the date. It was a month after they had gotten together.
January 19, 1974
At the risk of sounding like one of the Hufflepuff bimbos -- I'm dating Remus Bloody Lupin. Alright, maybe dating isn't the right term. We're not holding hands and sneaking off to Hogsmeade to snog in the Shrieking Shack once a week. But for all intents of purposes, he ----
So he fancied me. I was expecting him to knock my bloody block off the moment I tried to snog him. Imagine my surprise when he knocked me back onto my bed and was the one who bloody started it!
Remus lowered the journal, smiling at the memory. He remembered the day well. Sirius had been so nervous -- it had to have been the first time he'd been skittish about broaching a subject. Then he asked if Remus fancied boys... particularly -- well, Sirius hadn't gotten the rest of the sentence out before Remus had him pinned to the bed and rutting against him.
They were both quick learners. In school and in other matters.
March 28, 1975
Well, I've officially fucked up. My best mate and whatever else you want to call him is currently not speaking to me. Well, not that I blame him. It had been a really bloody stupid thing to do. But what else was I supposed to do? The fucking Slytherin was always around, always trying to put his nose in our bloody buisness. It was time he learned that no one messed with the Marauders.
So maybe I didn't think things through as to how it would affect Remus. Didn't think that it could have turned out badly.
Doesn't mean that I still wouldn't like to see the bastard dead. Sorry, big, hook-nosed, greasy-haired git. I just... don't want to lose Remus at the same time.
Bloody hell -- if I haven't already.
Remus closed his eyes. He could have killed Sirius for that prank. It was that night that Remus had learned the hard truth of how precarious his existence really was. One wrong move and he could wind up on the executioner's block.
It seemed as if there was only one more entry in the journal. So much for an enlightening trip into Sirius's mind. However, when Remus looked at the date he had half a mind to close the journal, toss it into a fire and burn it.
However, he steeled himself and read the note.
October 20, 1981
I don't bloody know what to do. There's a traitor in our midst and I don't want to think it's any of us. James and Lily are more than worried and they have every right to be. Bloody hell, Harry's so young.
I was the obvious choice for the Fidelius charm. Godfather to Harry, James' best mate. Why wouldn't they choose me? Which is exactly why I spoke with Dumbledore after that meeting. I'd die for James rather than betray his secret. So Voldemort could come after me first... and let the real secret keeper escape into hiding.
It's the perfect plan, moreso because Peter agreed to it. Good ole Pete. Can always count on him. Not the brightest charm in the book, but a good bloke.
I want to tell Remus -- but everything requires absolute secrecy. Even from the man I love.
And as much as I hate to think, or even write it -- he's the logical choice for the traitor. Doesn't mean I love him any less -- I don't. I could never stop loving him.
I just have to remind myself that the secret is for Harry and the reason for secrecy is to keep his folks around for as long as possible.
I only hope Remus will understand one day -- when we no longer live in a war zone.
No matter what, I'll always love him.
Always
Remus closed the journal, feeling tears pricking at his eyes. There had been so much distrust and unrest. It had been shortly after this that Sirius had moved out. Most likely to Ollivander as Remus had to assume, given the fact that Ollivander had kept this box of goods.
He never should have doubted. He should have listened to his heart. He should have... should... have...
The woulda-coulda-shoulda game was a dangerous one to play. A game Remus had found he had been playing for the majority of his life.
And now Cedric was alive and kicking once more.
And Remus found the coulda-game was all he could think about.
Character(s): Remus Lupin
Location: The Lupin Home
Status: Private
Summary: At last, Remus reads the journal.
Compeltion: Complete
For nearly three weeks the box had sat untouched in the corner of Remus's living room. It had served as a constant reminder that he was too bloody scared to look in and read the journal. Other bits and pieces had been distributed throughout the house. The valentine replaced in his top desk drawer, the tie to hang from a bed post.
But still, the journal remained completely untouched, save that first heartbreaking peek. One day -- one day he would read it.
Curled up with the last of Gerent's books, Remus found his gaze wandering over to the box. Though he tried to concentrate on the flowery words of Jane Austen, he couldn't hold his attention in one place. Back it kept darting to the journal -- finding that he was desperate to know what Sirius had written. It was like when one was up on a broom for the first time. When told not to look down, the desire to look is so strong -- that when you finally do, you become afraid of falling.
Perhaps that was what Remus was most afraid of: falling. Falling back in love with a man that he had let go so many years ago. Azkaban changed him -- beyond anything Remus could deal with. A few hesitant caresses and one very botched attempt at making love was all he could remember of Sirius. Twelve years in Azkaban had stripped away what could have been a re-coming together.
But Sirius was too damaged. Half the time Remus even wondered if Sirius knew it was him. Or had Remus become another shadow in his mind, slowly stolen away after twelve years' proximity to the Dementors. And Remus was forced to lament the loss of what was -- the only grieving party.
With a resigned sigh, Remus slipped a piece of leather into the book, marking his page. He wouldn't be able to concentrate until he dove into the journal and finally put all of Sirius to rest once and for all. Remus retrieved the journal and returned to his chair, curled up in a half-fetal position. A flick of his wrist summoned an unopened bottle of whiskey. Remus had a feeling he'd need it to get through the journal.
He opened to where he had left off, deciding emphatically that he was going to skip the entry from the 20th of November. Remus rolled his eyes, audibly sighing when he read the date of the next entry. Back to 1971. Apparently Sirius had never heard of such a thing as 'chronological order'.
February 8, 1971
So. Remus is a bloody werewolf. Who'd have thought it? Has to be the brightest bloke in our year (well, aside from myself and James of course). He doesn't act like a werewolf. He doesn't walk around school craving red meat and mauling Snape (even if that would be bloody brilliant).
Frankly, I don't see what he was so worried about. He's an alright bloke by my standings.
Remus smiled, gently running his fingers over the dried ink. That was Sirius -- never stopped to think what others would assume of his behaviour. And accepting others for who they were, not what they were.
Maybe it was because he was the Black in sheep's clothing.
He flipped to another entry, his eyes hovering over the date. It was a month after they had gotten together.
January 19, 1974
At the risk of sounding like one of the Hufflepuff bimbos -- I'm dating Remus Bloody Lupin. Alright, maybe dating isn't the right term. We're not holding hands and sneaking off to Hogsmeade to snog in the Shrieking Shack once a week. But for all intents of purposes, he ----
So he fancied me. I was expecting him to knock my bloody block off the moment I tried to snog him. Imagine my surprise when he knocked me back onto my bed and was the one who bloody started it!
Remus lowered the journal, smiling at the memory. He remembered the day well. Sirius had been so nervous -- it had to have been the first time he'd been skittish about broaching a subject. Then he asked if Remus fancied boys... particularly -- well, Sirius hadn't gotten the rest of the sentence out before Remus had him pinned to the bed and rutting against him.
They were both quick learners. In school and in other matters.
March 28, 1975
Well, I've officially fucked up. My best mate and whatever else you want to call him is currently not speaking to me. Well, not that I blame him. It had been a really bloody stupid thing to do. But what else was I supposed to do? The fucking Slytherin was always around, always trying to put his nose in our bloody buisness. It was time he learned that no one messed with the Marauders.
So maybe I didn't think things through as to how it would affect Remus. Didn't think that it could have turned out badly.
Doesn't mean that I still wouldn't like to see the bastard dead. Sorry, big, hook-nosed, greasy-haired git. I just... don't want to lose Remus at the same time.
Bloody hell -- if I haven't already.
Remus closed his eyes. He could have killed Sirius for that prank. It was that night that Remus had learned the hard truth of how precarious his existence really was. One wrong move and he could wind up on the executioner's block.
It seemed as if there was only one more entry in the journal. So much for an enlightening trip into Sirius's mind. However, when Remus looked at the date he had half a mind to close the journal, toss it into a fire and burn it.
However, he steeled himself and read the note.
October 20, 1981
I don't bloody know what to do. There's a traitor in our midst and I don't want to think it's any of us. James and Lily are more than worried and they have every right to be. Bloody hell, Harry's so young.
I was the obvious choice for the Fidelius charm. Godfather to Harry, James' best mate. Why wouldn't they choose me? Which is exactly why I spoke with Dumbledore after that meeting. I'd die for James rather than betray his secret. So Voldemort could come after me first... and let the real secret keeper escape into hiding.
It's the perfect plan, moreso because Peter agreed to it. Good ole Pete. Can always count on him. Not the brightest charm in the book, but a good bloke.
I want to tell Remus -- but everything requires absolute secrecy. Even from the man I love.
And as much as I hate to think, or even write it -- he's the logical choice for the traitor. Doesn't mean I love him any less -- I don't. I could never stop loving him.
I just have to remind myself that the secret is for Harry and the reason for secrecy is to keep his folks around for as long as possible.
I only hope Remus will understand one day -- when we no longer live in a war zone.
No matter what, I'll always love him.
Always
Remus closed the journal, feeling tears pricking at his eyes. There had been so much distrust and unrest. It had been shortly after this that Sirius had moved out. Most likely to Ollivander as Remus had to assume, given the fact that Ollivander had kept this box of goods.
He never should have doubted. He should have listened to his heart. He should have... should... have...
The woulda-coulda-shoulda game was a dangerous one to play. A game Remus had found he had been playing for the majority of his life.
And now Cedric was alive and kicking once more.
And Remus found the coulda-game was all he could think about.