Trans-Matter, part 1
I'm gaining strength
Trying to learn to pull my own weight
But I'm gaining pounds
At the precipice of 'too late' - just wait
--"Too Little Too Late" - Barenaked Ladies
This is turning into quite the little disaster, all things considered.
He pulled off the heist spectacularly, not that he thought anything else would happen, and even after Captain Hammer got around to butting in. But then there was that whole thing where he inadvertently introduced his arch-nemesis to the girl of his dreams, and now he's taking her on dates, and they're probably going to - French kiss, or something...
It's not that Billy doesn't know what comes after that. He does, even if his experience is... minimal. He'd just really, really rather not think about that in any context that involves Captain Hammer.
And, well, maybe tailing their dates over the weekend wasn't the best way to keep his mind off of the matter. In fact, it was probably about the worst idea possible, from that perspective. But - it's Captain Hammer, and Billy doesn't trust him to be a gentleman all the time. Or ever, really. And he just can't leave Penny to fend for herself, if the worst were to happen. What kind of person would that make him?
Anyway. He's tried to work on the Freeze Ray a couple of times, over the weekend, but it's just not coming. Maybe that has something to do with how he got the Wonderflonium, maybe not, but either way, it looks like he may not have it ready for the Superhero Memorial Bridge after all. He'll keep trying, of course, but his window of opportunity is shrinking.
Especially since it's Sunday night, the bridge opening is Thursday, and he's a little more interested in trying to see if he can figure out what's up with the Trans-Matter Ray, and how soon he'll be able to get it up to a hundred percent. It's tricky - it's been tricky the whole time, since the last thing he wants to do is transport one of his belongings to parts unknown - but that's never stopped him from trying before. Maybe if he really gets the ball rolling, he can severely inconvenience that idiot Corporate Tool, Freeze Ray or no Freeze Ray.
Today, though, his equipment apparently has a mind to fight back. He's not sure exactly what he does, but something that he pokes at sets off a giant spark and sends him flying across the room. It hurts like hell, but it doesn't knock him out, so hopefully it's not too bad, as after-effects to that sort of thing go.
There's got to be something that happened, though. There always is, when you get thrown across the room by a giant spark. Billy doesn't take his chosen field for granted, or have anything that would give him a pass from the side effects.
He goes to stand up, and almost falls over right away; something's off, aside from the fact that his jeans are sitting more loosely than they were a minute ago - everywhere but his hips, anyway, and there they're too tight. He takes a few seconds to steel himself and try to decide if this is worth panicking about, then tries again. He doesn't fall over this time, but his jeans are still sitting oddly, to say nothing of the lab coat.
Then he goes to move, and freezes as best as anyone not aided by the Freeze Ray can. Something very important seems to have disappeared, when he wasn't paying attention - well, more likely as a side effect of being thrown across the room, but still, this is looking more and more panic-worthy by the second.
Billy takes a few deep breaths, then very carefully makes his way to his bathroom. It's nothing he hasn't done hundreds of times, in one sense, but everything feels off and he's having to hold his pants up and that's only driving home the fact that he's really screwed something up here. When he gets in there, he pulls a belt off the back of the door, and finally manages to face the mirror.
His face is still recognisably his, but softer and less angular. His hair looks like a mess on top of it, but that may be just as well; if he's right about what he did, he's going to have a lot to deal with as it is.
He doesn't want to open the lab coat, but it's that or drop his pants to get to the bottom of this, and he really doesn't want to see that particular confirmation yet. So the lab coat's the lesser of two evils, so to speak, and anyway he needs to be able to get to the belt loops on his jeans.
And, well. Those are definitely breasts that were making the lab coat sit funny. Small, as breasts go, but...
"God," he says, and double-takes again - that was a good octave higher than it has any right to be, at least under normal circumstances. "What the hell did I do to myself?"
***
Moist comes over half an hour after that discovery.
That he's dropping by is no surprise - he'd said he was planning to, to at least find out how the Wonderflonium heist went. Billy isn't sure whether it's a problem or not, with this latest complication. On the one hand, he'd almost rather nobody knows about it; on the other, it'd be good if someone did, to at least cover for him in a few public settings. Hopefully, he'll be able to get this mess straightened out in short order, but... well, the fact remains that first, he has to figure out what he did, other than set off a big spark.
Anyway, Moist lets himself in as usual, halfway through saying something about the latest Henchmen's Union meeting before he so much as glances at the couch - and then the expected double-take comes.
"...Doc? That is you, right?"
Billy sighs. "Yeah. Trans-Matter Ray decided to bite back. I had a look at it again, but I can't figure out what the hell I did and it's probably not going to happen tonight."
"Wow, this is - this is weird, just so you know. Which you probably do. Um. Right. Do you... know what you're doing about it yet?"
"Other than nothing else tonight? Trying to figure out what I did and how to undo it as quickly as possible. Never been happier to work from home, I can say that much. It's just - of all the times to happen, why now? The League's going to get to asking, I know it."
Moist eyes the Trans-Matter Ray for a moment, still at a safe distance from it (which is good; it's got enough problems, if it's swapping genders for no apparent reason, without moisture-related issues cropping up). "Wish I could tell you, Doc. I wouldn't think it's some kind of vast conspiracy, though. No one's worked on it but you, right?"
Billy nods. "And Captain Hammer never got close enough to hurt it, at the bank. If I can't get this turned around... I don't know what."
"Well. I know you probably don't want this getting spread around, but maybe we should call in one of the girls. Just in case you're stuck with it past about Tuesday - before that, you shouldn't get too many questions."
"Maybe. But I don't want to call in Hourglass. She'd try to tell me how long it's going to last, and I'd rather find that out on my own - it's too easy to sit there and wait for the answer to fall in your lap, after talking to her. And... really, do you think Bait would be of much help at all?"
Moist shrugs. "More than Switch would be, I can say that much, but I take your point."
"So that leaves Conflict Diamond." Calling her in isn't actually such a bad idea; she more sort of pals around with the villains, rather than affiliating with them outright, so she's less likely to talk about the situation very much. Besides, she pretty much always has money to spare. Billy can probably swap her a bag from the bank heist for something he can actually spend.
"I think I'll call her in the... no," he says, "her phone's got that voice recognition thing built in. I'd throw it off right now. You'll have to do it."
"No problem. You want to see her tonight, or tomorrow?"
"I think tomorrow. I'm stuck for now anyway, so it won't hurt to wait through tonight."
Moist nods. "All right. I'll call her later, see if I can't get her over here tomorrow. It's... well, whether you wanted to do it or not, you might be stuck with it, so you might as well look vaguely normal while you're at it."
"I know. It's still damn annoying, though, I can't even walk straight without thinking about it."
Moist hangs around for a while longer than usual, and Billy appreciates the company more than he can say - more than he would have thought, under the circumstances. After Moist leaves (and leaves the requisite puddle on the floor), Billy decides it's time he called it a night, since he won't get anything else done on any of his projects, and he can't very well put up a blog post in this state.
The part that includes actually going to the bathroom for the first time since that little accident gets interesting, but it's been five hours, and one thing he does not have is a superhuman bladder.
He flops onto his bed with his usual abandon - and realises within about five minutes that he won't be able to sleep on his stomach, so long as he's got an actual chest to worry about.
***
Moist comes back late the next morning, with Conflict Diamond in tow. She agrees to help out - after laughing for what feels like ages, but Billy was half expecting that, and according to his clock it's only five minutes.
"I can see my way to that," she says, once she calms down. "You could certainly have done worse for yourself - the look suits you, I think."
Billy rolls his eyes, and does his best to ignore the fact that he's probably blushing. "It was an accident, and I have every intention of getting it turned around, whether it suits me or not. It's just, well, neither of us know how to... be a girl."
"Understood. Some of it isn't terribly different, I think I ought to point out."
"You say that when you're the one who has to take entirely different equipment into account just to walk."
The three of them get some lunch, and then Moist heads off to take care of some personal business; Billy doesn't ask what, but suspects it has to do with his water filter needing more carbon things. Once he's gone, Conflict Diamond eyes Billy for a moment.
"You're going to need a bra, first and foremost," she says.
"You sure about that?"
"Very. If you don't get one, you'll be wanting the extra support before too long, even for that little. Besides, it doesn't look very good, to do without."
"Point, I guess." He can see what she means about the first part, anyway; his neck has been aching for a good hour and a half, now, and he's pretty sure it's due to being more top-heavy than usual. As far as how it looks, he thinks his habitual layers would balance that out well enough - but his neck would still hurt, and he thinks that's creeping into his shoulders, which is not cool.
Conflict Diamond's got the sort of chest you usually see on comic book characters. He's got no idea how she does it, if he's already having this much trouble.
They get that out of the way first; she insists he buy two, in case he needs to wash his clothes before he gets the situation turned around. Billy can understand that, and picks up a couple pairs of jeans that fit better while they're at it, but he absolutely refuses to try any shoes with heels. He's having enough trouble with walking as it is; no point in tempting fate.
When they're outside, on the way from the department store to the grocery, Conflict Diamond says, "Incidentally. How well do you work to a deadline?"
"That depends on the deadline," Billy says, after thinking it over for a few moments. "I'm better than I used to be, but I still kind of tend to bust things out at the last minute."
"I recommend you learn how to work to beat a deadline, and quickly. If this acts like any other human body, you likely have four weeks before you're presented with a menstrual cycle."
"I... hadn't even thought of that. Um. Given how much trouble those of you who are stuck with the things go to to avoid them, I think I'd rather not have a period, thanks all the same."
Conflict Diamond chuckles. "They are rather tiresome. I can't say I blame you, but I think we'll get you some supplies for the occasion anyway, just in case. If you end up not needing them, I'll take them off your hands."
"Fair enough." Billy sighs. "I'm still trying to figure out what to do about my application. It... might be getting somewhere, but I'm at the point where they're expecting to see me do something, and hiding in my apartment trying to fix this probably isn't what Bad Horse has in mind."
"Likely not, no. I would put in a word for you with the Rigor Mortis Kid, but I haven't seen him since we ended things, and in any case I couldn't guarantee he would pass it along."
"The - oh, right, I forget the singing telegram posse have their own names, sometimes." It's an easy thing to overlook, as Billy sees it. After all, they're mostly there as a messenger service to Bad Horse.
"They do, but sometimes I wonder to what purpose. It is... very difficult to maintain a relationship with someone who often has to drop absolutely everything and cater to the whims of a horse."
"I can see where it would be," he says, and lets the topic drop as they enter the grocery.
He's completely willing to take Conflict Diamond's word on what he should get, when it comes to certain supplies he's hoping he'll have no use for, but he balks when she raises the subject of razors.
"I already have one."
"Yes, but it's - meant for something else entirely," she says, likely not going into details in deference to their location. "You may find you want one, and in that case, it's best not to gum up the one you've got."
She's got a point there, though Billy really doubts he's going to try to shave his legs before this is over. It's too awkward, as far as he can tell, even if it would be easier to see what he's doing, at least for some parts.
But really, it's not like he's going to be showing his legs any time soon. Conflict Diamond tried to talk him into a skirt, but he never wears shorts normally, and it's also kind of the same point as the shoes.
After they finish with the grocery, Conflict Diamond pulls out her phone and eyes the display. "I have an... appointment with a jewelry store in an hour," she says. "Do you think you have enough to get by, for now?"
Billy nods. "I should probably get some work done anyway, and get back to trying to figure out what I did. Thanks for your help, much as I hope I won't be needing all of it."
"It was no trouble. I hope you can make your deadline."
"Believe me, so do I."
Billy sends Conflict Diamond on her way with a bag of liquefied gold bar - and a warning to be careful with it, if she feels the need to open the bag. It's probably a little more than compensation for what he spent, especially since she's about to go knock over another jewelry store, but it's the only expendable thing he's got. Besides, much as he'd rather not admit it, there's a chance he'll need more help before all this is over; better to invest in the possibility now, all things considered.
When she's gone, Billy has another look at the Trans-Matter Ray. It looks like it should, other than a small scorch mark where the spark grounded on it; he grabs a rag and wipes that off, half hoping something might happen again. Nothing does, which isn't a total surprise.
It would, after all, be too much to hope that this would be easy to fix.
He puts it aside for the rest of the afternoon and racks up some work hours to try to take his mind off things. It doesn't really work, but it's at least a different and more familiar sort of frustration.
He needs a shower, much as he really doesn't like facing the full reality of the situation; there's only so long he can stand to feel icky, at least when it's not brought on by Moist. It's possibly the quickest shower Billy's taken in his life, but at least he's clean after the fact.
Attempting to sleep on his stomach only lasts for two minutes, this time.
***
Tuesday morning, Billy does some work that he gets paid for. Tuesday afternoon, he works on his Dr. Horrible projects.
He has a look at the Freeze Ray first. It's mostly good to go, but he hasn't had a chance to test it in concert with the reaction power source - and that strikes him as a good idea, whether he's able to go to the bridge opening or not.
Turns out the Freeze Ray takes a couple of minutes to warm up; good to know, before he tries to use it and gets a car thrown at his head or something in the interim. He takes the Wonderflonium back out, tweaks some of the response mechanisms a little, and tests it again; that gets the warm-up time knocked down enough that it shouldn't pose much of a problem.
The Trans-Matter Ray, unfortunately, is nowhere near as simple. Billy looks at what he was doing the other night, but doesn't see anything wildly out of place. He tries poking at it again, but nothing happens - and he wonders whether it was a mistake, wiping off the mark last night.
Oh, well. All he can do now is hope that hasn't screwed up his progress too badly.
He keeps working on it until well after dark, then figures it's probably time he ate something. His ideas lose their plausibility, when his blood sugar drops. So he whips up some Easy Mac and pokes around the Internet for a while; after that, though, his inspiration to work on the Trans-Matter Ray seems to have deserted him.
At this rate, he's not going to get anywhere for months, and he doesn't have months.
***
And then, as Billy's computer cheerfully reminds him the next morning - well, he thinks it's cheerful, anyway, so far as a computer can be said to care - it's Wednesday.
He'd hoped to have the whole thing sorted out by now, for several reasons. It may not really matter for work, but he's got something approaching a social life to get back to, or at least an alter ego (and a League application) to maintain - not to mention... other things. He knows it's a bit of a hairy situation when he finds himself considering skipping the laundromat.
On the one hand, he doesn't know how the hell he'll explain this to Penny. On the other, she might actually want to talk to him, since they did in fact talk a little on Friday. On the first hand, she won't be expecting this, and might think he's weird. Back to the second hand, well, he's got some hope of convincing her he's on the right track overall, and this is a little less morally ambiguous than robbing a bank or getting a head start on Captain Hammer. On the first hand again, he really doesn't want word of this getting out any further than it absolutely has to. On the second hand, it's not like anyone at the laundromat will actually know it's him, unless he tells them, and the only person he would tell is Penny.
It's the mutant third hand that decides it: He's running out of clean clothes, and fast. So he loads up his laundry basket as usual and heads down, hoping for... well, he's not sure what. Penny's not there when he goes in, so he relaxes a little, and sets about loading a washer.
He's trying to dig some quarters out of his pocket when a voice to his right - Penny's voice, no less - says, "Billy?"
He jumps, and turns around; Penny smiles a little sheepishly. "Sorry," she says, "I think I mistook you for - you look a lot like someone who's in here a lot."
"Probably my brother," Billy says, and almost kicks himself for it as soon as the words are out of his mouth - but he's said it, and it would be too hard to back up now, so he's got to stick with it. "Don't worry about it, it happens a lot."
"Oh. It's just - we actually talked a little, over the weekend. And I got to thinking, it's completely ridiculous that we've both been coming here for so long and never said so much as a word to each other."
"It's - he's... complicated. Our family's got a track record of not being too great with people."
They do the introduction song and dance again (not literally); he settles on Bee as something he can remember to answer to, not that he expects many people will know it. After that, Penny loads a washer, and Billy finally gets some quarters into his.
"So what do you do?" Penny asks, after that. That's an easy question, in that he doesn't have to make something up for it. For once, he's glad they haven't talked very much.
"I work for World of Warcraft, actually. Got an in on doing forum support. It's... frustrating, sometimes, but it pays well and I set my own hours without having to leave the house. What about you?"
"Retail. I try not to let it crush my soul too much, but I'm looking for something else. And I volunteer with a homeless shelter downtown - not always the easiest thing to see, but I get to use my degree some, and I know I'm making an impact."
"That's cool," Billy says, with only a little hesitation. He can completely understand wanting to make a difference, after all; the big difference between them on that front is their preferred methodology.
"Yeah. We're trying to get the city to donate a building to us, rather than turn it into a parking lot, but I'm not sure how well trying that through the petition drive is going to work out. Nobody stops long enough to hear it out, even though it wouldn't really affect them in the long run."
"You never know. People are just enough of bastards that they might want to keep more people from competing in the housing market."
"Or jobs, since that'd be the real problem." Penny shrugs. "I don't know, maybe the rocket packs are worth looking into after all."
"...Rocket packs?" He already knows what she means, and a little laughter slips out on account of that, but he figures it's all right.
"Something that came up when I was talking to Billy about it. He... does he get that carried away with his texting all the time?"
"Depends. He's usually got a lot of stuff on his mind."
It's really weird, talking about himself from a supposedly third-party point of view. But Billy thinks he can manage it, if he doesn't have to talk to a lot of people who don't know what happened. It's worth sticking it out to talk to Penny, in any case.
After a while, Penny digs a scrap of paper out of her pocket. "I - don't suppose you'd be interested in the petition? I don't have the paperwork with me, but I can always tape it on, or something. And, well, every little bit helps."
Billy has to think about it for a few moments; by the time he's decided it's not too much cheating, given the circumstances, his dryer buzzes. "Oh, that's - just a sec," he says, before grabbing his basket and starting over. He's moving fast, at first, but that quickly proves to be just as bad of an idea as sleeping on his stomach, at the moment.
He slows down, gathers his laundry, and goes back over to Penny. "Sure. I'll sign for you."
Penny grins. "Great." She hands Billy the scrap paper and a black gel pen; Billy has to remind himself not to sign it with his actual name, considering he's already done that.
"Thanks," she says, when he hands it back to her. "We really appreciate it. Even if this doesn't work out like we're hoping, at least we're not going down without a fight."
"I do have to hand it to you. A lot of people would have given up before they even started."
Penny shrugs. "A few of the other volunteers have been really skeptical, but... I guess I'm just an incurable optimist. Anyway, I should - you're ready to go, it's hardly fair of me to hold you up."
"Yeah. I should - yeah. It was nice talking to you."
"You too."
Billy's halfway home before he realises he still has her pen. He smiles, at that, and puts it on the end table with the one decent picture he's been able to get of her, when he gets home.