Reflections on '07
It's been awhile since I've updated this thing, and with the year coming to a close in about 36 hours, I thought that it was a good idea to put down some reflections of the year that was. The last time that I wrote anything of real significance here was just before my birthday. So rather than go over the whole calender year again, I'll just pick up in September.
September was a busy month for me. I took my series 7 and series 66 exams and passed both of them. That means that I'm now a fully licensed and registered stock broker and investment advisor. It really hasn't changed anything at my job yet. Supposedly, I"m getting promoted as of January 2 to an Investment Consultant position, but that's wholly dependant on my replacement being hired. We received the application paperwork from him over two weeks ago, and I haven't seen him in the office yet. I'm not certain of what that means, but I'm thinking that the background check didn't go well, or something else went wrong.Only time will tell though.
I'm really nervous about the whole process. I'm being promoted by a guy who's got about two months of experience with our company. My manager displays very little knowledge of our products, systems, and methods. It seems like if there is something that needs to be attended to, he just has me do it. In a lot of respects, it's like I'm still doing all of the operational managment at our branch. I'm obviously not a manager, and so I don't get access to all of the emails and information sent to our management team. So it's like the blind leading the blind in many respects. That's what scares me the most about all of this. I have no honest clue about how this whole promotion process is supposed to go, and neither does my manager. I have no clue about what additional training I need to receive or the process of receiving that training. I'm starting to feel like I'm being set up to fail, and that's not good.
In between taking exams I managed to make the trek upto Connecticut for Cindy's wedding. It was alot of travel for a few short hours to see a friend, but it was worth it. I didn't actually see the wedding. By the time I got off the train, I had to make the decision as to whether I wanted to try and catch the last 5 minutes of the ceremony or get to the reception. I chose the reception, it was just pragmatic for me. Unfortunately, I had to leave just as they were starting the Greek dancing. It was still a good time though. It was great seeing Cindy too. I hadn't seen her in over a year, she looked great. California looks like it's been good to her. I do miss having her around though. I've got no one to have margaritas with anymore.
October was a generally quiet month. The big highlight of the month was going to see the inaugural Devils game at Prudential Center with Becky. It was October 27, 2007, Ottawa Senators versus New Jersey Devils. The Devils lost 4-1. Brian Gionta scored the first ever goal for us in our new building. I got tickets to see the game with Becky and her dad. It was the best $215 I ever spent. To be at that game with her meant the world to me. Sadly, that night has been the last time I've seen her to date. I'll speak more about this later though.
November has a few noteworthy things in it. I made a trip to NYC in the middle of the month to pick up a few new CDs at the Virgin Megastore in Times Square. I took Rob's advice and bought Thurston Moore's (yes, Thurston Moore from Sonic Youth) latest solo release, "Trees Outside the Academy." I wasn't as impressed with it as Rob was, but it was still a good album. The album that I picked up that really blew me away was the new Foo Fighters offering, Echoes, Siilence, Patience, and Grace." It's my pick for Rock Album of the Year and Album ofthe Year at the upcoming Grammy's. If it doesn't at least win Rock album of the year, I'll be very disappointed. The thing about this album is that as good as it is, I get the feeling like this wasn't their best effort. Don't get me wrong, I think that it's their best album to date, but I feel like they're still going to put something better out. The Foo have yet to make their own "Sgt Pepper's," which goes to show just how talented these guys are. The songs that really stand out for me are Long Road to Ruin, But, Honestly, and Home. There really isn't a bad song on the entire CD, but these are the one's that really strike a chord with me. I would include Let it Die on that list too.
Also for the first time in about 7 months I was able to listen to the first disc of the Foo Fighters previous release, In Your Honor. It's an understatement to say that this year has been hell for me emotionally. To me, that enitre album has a kind of emotional dichotomy to it. The first disc, the rock disc, bascially sounded like a guy who had justed been fucked over and dumped by someone he cared for deeply. Because of that, I just couldn't listen to it. I felt bad enough as it was. I didn't need to make myself feel worse. The Deepest Blues are Black was a very theraputic song for me in November. I've since moved on to some new music.
The rest of November wasn't that great. Thanksgiving day wasn't all that great. I was on the losing side of the football game again. I got sick and missed dinner, meaning that I didn't have my Turkey and stuffing for the first time in forever. The Thanksgiving hockey tournament in Hershey wasn't as good this year either. Connor's team lost in the semi finals, and Brendan's team got blown out of the water. They only won one game the whole tournament. His team just doen't play with any passion, and consequently, that's why their record isn't very good. But Brendan's game looks like it's gotten better, which is good. He seems like he more sure of himself on the ice, and he's not being intimidated anymore. I'm really proud of him.
December's been really up and down. I picked up a few more CDs. I finally got Shiny Toy Guns' "We Are Pilots." Chemistry of a Car Crash really speaks to me, and Jackie Will Save Us is just an infectious song. The CD I picked up that absolutely blew me away was Muse's Blackholes and Revelations. Starlight and Map of the Problematique are two songs that own my soul right now. I seriusly haven't been this impressed with an album since Green Day's "American Idiot."
Other than that, this has really just been another depressing month for me. Christmas sucked, like usual. on the good side, Mom's new house looks nice. The down side is that it's in Indianapolis, and there's nothing to do out there except watch the corn grow. I saw my brother too, and got some unfortunate news from him too. Apparently, I'm going to be an uncle. Most people would be happy about this, but I'm not. The concept of my brother as a father has scared me for a very long time, and now it appears that it will be a reality. My brother's not ready to be a dad, not by a long shot. I know alot of people may say, "Well Jack, you never approve of anything Joey does. You're just being an asshole." That's fair enough, but when my position on something is shared with somebody who was alive to see and live through the Great Depression-my grandmother-you know you're onto something. That kid is just going to be another reason for my brother to leach off my mom and sister, and eveyone else he can get to, and that kid is just going to end up just as fucked up and goofy as my brother and his wife. I could be wrong, and I pray that I am, but I'm realistic about things too.
So that raps up another year. It's been a year that started with a lot of optimism and has instead been filled with alot of disappointment and heartache. It seems to have ended that way too. I made and developed a few new relationshops, and screwed up one that means more to me than most of my family members.
Like I said, I haven't seen Becky in over 2 months, and it's been close to that since I had any real conversation with her.This is really hard to write about because as articualte as I like to think that I am, it's hard to really describe how I feel both about her and everything that's happened. I really miss her, I can say that much. I feel really lonely, even when I'm with friends. And I feel even more lonely when I'm home alone. She really is what puts it all together for me. She's the only person I've ever met that I honestly felt good enough for. I didn't feel like I had any need to prove myself to her, or do anything for myself so that I could feel like I was on par with her. I never did anything for her because I though it would get her to like me more, or to want to befriend me. I always did it just to put a smile on her face. She's that person that brings out the best of me, and it's for all of the right reasons.
I don't how things went from being so great to being where they are now. I said something stupid and ruined a relationship that I had wanted for years before it really got started, and it seems that I ruined one of the best friendships I had too. I still have dreams about her, and those are the hardest times. I had this one dream a few weeks ago that was absolutely surreal. I dreamt that I was in bed with her asleep. I put my arm over her, and she just nestled herself back into me and draped my arm over her like a blanket. And the craziest part of it, I could honestly feel myself getting warmer; not just in my dream, but in reality. It was the most surreal thing ever. And then I woke up. I'm sure that you can imagine the disappointment. I could write alot more about this, but it's not going to be very coherent. I do miss her though. I miss way things were even back in 2006. I miss talking to her on a regular basis, and seeing her at least once every 1 or 2 weeks. I miss that feeling of everything being okay. I think that's what makes things so hard. I know that things change and people graduate and get jobs, etc., but the thing is with all those other people things feel okay. It doesn't really feel that way with her anymore. It's like I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and I'm tired of feeling that way. Yeah, I've got an ideal of how I'd like things between her and I to be, but I have no real say in whether that happens. So for me, what I want is for things between us to just be good again.
Beyond that, I've got a few things I'm pondering and am going to try and work toward. I looked into the possibility of buying a condo or co-op in 2009. It's a definite possibility. If I can do reasonably well with the promotion and can clear out my credit card debt, I might be able to pull it off. I figure that with what I pay in rent and what I give back to Citibank every month, I could make mortgage payment instead. I'm hoping to buy a car by the spring. I'm definitely looking to do it by the end of '08, but the sooner the better. Henk said he's going to teach me how to drive stick, so I'm looking forward to that. It should be interesting because he going to teach me how to do it on his motorcycle, so it will be a two-fer. I found out the Pogues are playing NYC on March 15, and the Saw Doctors are play on both March 14 and 15. So St Patty's weekend is looking good. It would sure be great to go with somebody though. Vicki's into Celtic music and culture, so maybe I'll ask her if she wants to go see one or both with me. I'd go with anybody though. I hate going to shows by myself. February brings me Foo Fighters and then two days later Linkin Park. Beyond that I'm just going to try and save up to buy Kate her Life Diamond. I'd like to get it before her wedding because that would make an awesome present. Bottom line, I just want to make sure that I get it for her and keep my promise.
There's alot in the air in '08. I suppose that you could say that there is a lot to be optimistic about. I've learned my lesson again about that. I know that alot of how I've felt this year will bleed into next. It's inevitable. So because of that I'm just going to take things as they come. Happy New Year everyone.