Always Attract (Chapter 80)
*****Soooo....this turned out to be like....double of what the AA chapters normally are. All mistakes are mine and I'm not going to lie, there's probably plenty of them in here. Also, we can pretty much declare this the last heavily angst filled chapter (in terms of Luke and Reid's relationship together) in the story. On a side note: I'm a little super depressed because I found out they're killing off one of my favorite characters, which is half of my favorite pairing on a show I watch. He's going to die in a car accident, meanwhile the other guy in the "love triangle" is named Noah who also loves to make films. Oh, and the episode is called 'Train Wreck'. Tell me that's not some freaky bullshit. I swear if the song 'Runaway Train' comes on the radio like it did the day Reid died, I might as well just give up on ever getting a happy ending when it comes to TV because the Good Lord is working against me. Sigh. I'll already be drowning my sorrows in a bottle of wine tomorrow evening, but comments are much appreciated as always, especially now. Love to all!*****
Sitting on opposite sides of the couch, they stared at each other as Luke tucked his feet under himself and began talking; his voice soft, but steady.
“When I left, Christmas morning, when we were in Chicago …I…I didn’t want to. I know I had to because my family was expecting me, but…you said you would come back and then you didn’t.”
“I got held up in surgery,” Reid interrupted.
“I know,” he replied quickly. “I know that now, but I didn’t then. I thought if you got held up you would’ve at least called to let me know that. You said later that you missed me by about five minutes, so even now, I keep wondering why you didn’t call to at least let me know that you were out of surgery and you were on your way. But, you didn’t, so I thought…” Luke shook his head. “We had just spent the night together and it was…God Reid, it was like nothing I’d ever experienced before. Noah was the only person I had ever been with and being with you that night. Honestly, I’d never felt anything like that before. It petrified me. That whole day I was on edge because the thought of leaving, not seeing you or waking up to you again like I had been doing for the two weeks before that….I knew, that day, for sure. I had suspected it before then, but that day I knew for sure that I was in love with you. So when you never came back and I didn’t hear anything from you, not even a phone call later explaining what happened, I thought….I thought that maybe it was just me. I mean, Christ, who falls in love with someone that quickly? I do apparently,” he mumbled. “So when I got home and never heard from you, I tried to just brush it off. I felt miserable though. I pretty much didn’t do anything besides lie around the house in your shirt and scrub pants I slept in when I stayed at your hotel. It was pretty much all I had left to feel close to you. I found myself with my cell phone in my hand on New Year’s Eve. I kept trying to talk myself into calling you, but I didn’t.”
“Why not?” Reid asked, his voice cracking slightly.
Luke shrugged. “I figured there was a reason you never called to explain what happened, so despite how badly I wanted to hear your voice, I went upstairs to bed instead. I don’t take hints very well….or listen very well I guess. No matter how many times Noah said he needed space, I never seemed to give him enough of it and that usually caused him to be even more upset with me. I didn’t want you to ever feel that way with me. If it meant more to you then you would’ve called, but you didn’t, so I just needed to accept that it was what it was; a winter romance so to speak,” he said with a small smile in an attempt to lighten the mood. The unshed tears pooling in his eyes however, showed what he was truly feeling thinking back at that time.
Reid could feel his own eyes watering, but he swallowed, forcing himself to calm down. “I don’t know how to ask you this, but, am I….am I the reason you started drinking again?”
“Do you want the truth?” Luke asked seriously.
“Yes.”
Luke leaned forward and pressed his thumb against Reid’s cheek to catch the stray tear he hadn’t realize he shed.
“At the time, there were a few different reasons. You were one of them yes. But it wasn’t because I was mad at you. I was just….so lonely. I had found out that Damian knew my dad was alive and had kept it from us and that he had tried to kill my aunt and my mom was in the hospital because of him. I was left with a company that I really had no idea what to do with and my parents seemed to be fighting even more because of all of it. I just needed someone to be there for me, you know? Not because they needed something from me, but because they saw that I was practically drowning in it all, but no one was. And then I thought about you and that made it even worse because I was reminded of everything I felt and then I just snapped. I was so tired. Then one day I woke up before the sun had even came out and I realized that I had fallen asleep outside by the pond. It was freezing cold and there was an empty bottle of vodka next to me. For the life of me I couldn’t remember how I got there and then I remembered how appealing that used to be to me when I first started drinking; the not remembering. So I kept doing it when I needed to, which was a lot more than what any normal person would consume. It didn’t take long for me to get sick. You know what’s funny? To this day I can’t remember that first night. I don’t remember how or where I got the bottle. I can’t remember taking the first drink. Isn’t it funny? That night changed everything again, yet in my mind, it’s like it never happened. Something so big and…..just…..nothing.”
Reid closed his eyes. Imagining Luke like that made him physically ache. It also made him inexplicably angry at his family for not knowing that he had turned to alcohol again.
“How did Noah get involved?” Reid pressed forward.
“He found me drunk one night,” Luke said quietly. “I had been doing my best to avoid him. Things between him and Mason went downhill pretty fast and as soon as it did, he suddenly remembered me. My mom kept having us randomly be in the same place at the same time, so I sort of started avoiding them both whenever I could. I wouldn’t go to meet my mom if she was alone because I thought it might’ve been one of her plans.” Luke cleared his throat. “It was a weekday I think and the middle of the night. After ten, Old Towne is practically completely vacant. I don’t know what he was even doing there so late, but, all it took was one look at me for him to know. He’d seen me drunk before. He didn’t really seem that surprised. But then again, he was always waiting for me to fail. I always mess things up in the end. It’s just who I am.”
Reid shook his head. “It’s not.”
“It is,” Luke said seriously. “I know who I am Reid. Sooner or later I always screw things up. It’s just how I’m programmed.”
Not wanting to get into an argument about that, Reid went to his next question. “What did he do when he found you?”
“He took me back to his apartment. Let me sleep it off. He seemed….nice. Before when I was drinking, he broke up with me. He didn’t want anything to do with me. I had messed up so he didn’t want to be around me…”
“Jesus,” Reid murmured.
“But, he didn’t do that this time. He didn’t push me away or yell at me. In fact, he didn’t really say anything.”
“You realize why he didn’t, right Luke?”
Luke nodded. “He wanted me back in his life. I’m not a complete idiot. I can see that. Yeah, he was taking advantage, but….I didn’t care. It was…..nice to have someone to be around and not have to worry about everything. That’s all I was thinking about at the time. He would get…..grabby sometimes though.”
“Grabby how?” Reid asked through clenched teeth.
“Sometimes he would just go to touch me. He usually didn’t try it when I was sober…..”
“Wait a minute,” Reid interrupted him. “You mean, he watched you get drunk? It’s not enough that he knew about it and never said anything to your family or actually tried to help you, but he let you drink, in front him? Jesus fucking Christ Luke.” Reid got up off the couch and started pacing. His hands kept involuntarily clenching. He was practically shaking and had never had the desire to beat the ever living crap out of someone so bad.
“Why in the hell would you agree to marry him!?”
Luke sighed. “I knew something was wrong. I felt tired all the time. I started getting shooting pains in my side. Anyway,” he shook his head, “Noah was the only one I told. The last thing I wanted to do was be a burden on anyone and to know that I had disappointed them….again. Noah already knew about the drinking, so I thought that it would help if at least one person knew that I was sick. He said he wanted to take care of me. I knew the chances of me getting a kidney weren’t great. Last time I needed a transplant, practically the whole town was tested and no one was a match. He asked me to marry him. He promised that I wouldn’t be alone while I was going through all of it. He said he’d keep my secret.”
“So you said yes.”
“No, I….I told him I couldn’t. I had told him about you. That I had met someone while we were broken up. I told him that I was in love with you and I needed to see you. There was a Nephrologist that I wanted to look at while I was in Dallas . He worked at the same hospital as you. I was going to see him and then find you. I honestly don’t know what I was expecting. I had already convinced myself that you didn’t really feel the same way. Still though…I had to know for sure.”
“That’s when you found me with Matt,” Reid said understanding.
“Yeah, so I left and came back to Oakdale. Noah had said that I was setting myself up to be heartbroken, that things wouldn’t work out and he was right. But, I didn’t want to be alone and he said his offer still stood, so I accepted.”
Reid took a deep breath. “I need a break for a few minutes.”
Luke nodded. “Do you want me to go? We can get together another day if…”
“No,” Reid replied quickly. “I just….I need a few minutes. Are you hungry? I’m hungry.”
Luke hadn’t really thought about it. “I guess I could eat,” he said slowly.
“I’m going to go to Al’s and get take out and then when I come back we’ll talk some more.”
“What about Jacob?”
“You can stay with him, while I go out right?”
“Yeah, sure. I’ll be here waiting for you.”
*
“How was your sandwich?”
By the time Reid was back from Al’s and they had finished eating, it was nearing midnight. The apartment was dark except for the soft glow emitting from the TV, which was muted. They had retaken their positions on the couch; Luke’s sock clad feet, tucked underneath his body again. Reid, meanwhile had one leg bent on the couch, while the other hung off. This time they were noticeably sitting closer.
“It was good thanks,” Luke smiled softly.
They stared at each other for what seemed like hours before Reid finally had the courage to ask what was probably his biggest question; the one that was most important to him. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
Luke made a sound, not quite like a grunt and shook his head. “A couple different reasons. One day it would be because I didn’t want you to feel sorry for me. Then it would change to imagining what you would think of me. You already knew I was a drunk. I just didn’t want you to think that’s all I’d ever be.”
“I wouldn’t have thought that.”
“You already had said that I was the expert at the subject matter.”
Reid frowned in confusion before remembering their fight they had in Chicago . “I said I was sorry for that; that I didn’t mean it.”
“I know, but it didn’t make the statement any less true. I spent over two years with Noah where he told me the same things. After awhile it doesn’t matter who it comes from. It all hurts the same and sooner or later you start believing it too. I didn’t want you to know that I had proved you right. We both know you’re better than me Reid. I didn’t want you to be reminded of the fact and leave me.”
“So you just thought you’d leave me first?” he said getting upset.
Luke shook his head. “That’s not……when you first showed up. I tried to stay away from you, but you were always there and then you told me you loved me and…and I couldn’t help myself. I couldn’t push you away…not that day, not in that moment. I let myself get caught up in you, in what I felt, but then it all came crashing back and I was reminded that it would never work. You apparently did want me, but I couldn’t give you what you were asking of me, so I tried to push you away.”
“But then you told me you loved me.”
“And I meant it,” he said sincerely. “I had, had an appointment with my neprologist. We thought we had found a donor and I…..I was just so relieved and then I saw you.”
“You would’ve had to have told me though Luke. Were you planning on going away to have the transplant and then come back? I would’ve had to have found out eventually.”
“I know. I didn’t want to tell you because I was scared, but I was going to. But then I got a phone call and found out that there was no donor anymore and suddenly Noah was there, talking about how this was always part of the plan and how it was all a sign.”
“Such bullshit.”
“You don’t think I know that,” Luke said angrily. “You don’t think I realize how stupid I was,” he cried. “I’m more than aware. If I could take it back, all of it, I would in a heartbeat, but I can’t. Nothing I do is ever going to change it.”
“I still would’ve wanted to be with you, even if you were sick. You had to have known that.”
“I was confused….about everything. And then I just kept thinking about you having to sit there and watch me while I die and I couldn’t…..I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t see you break like that. I couldn’t have handled it. I had to try to accept the fact that, that was it and I knew I’d never be able to if I was still around you.” The tears kept pouring out and Luke felt like he could barely catch his breath. “I’m so so-sorry Reid. I’m so sorry.”
Reid reached out, his hand shaking as he placed it on the back of Luke’s head and pulled him forward, cradling him to his chest. One hand carded in his hair and the other ran along Luke’s smooth cheek, all the while he murmured small words of comfort.
*
Fifteen minutes later and Luke was all cried out. Reid’s arm was now wrapped around his waist holding him to his side. Luke’s head was still nestled on Reid’s chest.
“I didn’t know how to come back,” he said, his voice thick with emotion. “I messed up so many things. I wasn’t strong enough and I didn’t know what to do, so I called Matt. He already knew the truth. It was easier. Don’t be mad at him because of me. Please.”
“I’m not. I was mad earlier because it seems like everyone knew all about the situation and what happened but me, so I took it out on him.”
“He made me promise that I would go to rehab and then come back here….and face you.”
“You didn’t want to see me?”
“No,” he said honestly. “I was too ashamed.”
“When was your last drink?”
“About a year ago.”
“That’s good,” he murmured, moving his fingers through Luke’s golden locks. “And rehab?”
“It………was hard.”
“Do you think you’re better?”
“They let me go.”
“That wasn’t an answer.”
“I don’t…..my first urge is still to drink when something goes wrong.”
Reid squeezed his eyes shut tight, feeling the burn inside them as he did so. “Do you love yourself Luke?”
“What?” he said caught off guard.
“Do you love yourself?” he repeated.
Luke paused and his mouth dropped open. “I……..” His mouth opened and closed a few more times before his own eyes began burning again. “No,” he barely whispered.
*
“I hate you sometimes,” Reid inaudibly declared. “For leaving me. For not trusting in me. For making me think that love’s not enough. I thought that my whole life and then I met you. You changed everything.”
“Sometimes love isn’t enough though. I always thought that it was, but looking back on my life….it’s not.”
“It’s only not enough if the person that love is directed towards doesn’t deserve it.”
“I don’t deserve it,” Luke whispered.
“Yes you do. I just don’t know how to be the one to give it to you. You were right you know. What you said last month; I never really opened up to you. I loved you, but…I was still guarded too. I wasn’t ready to share things about myself.”
“Are you ready now?”
“No,” he said with certainty. “I’m not. I still haven’t quite worked out how to do that yet.”
“Me either.”
“I don’t love him; Jared. He’s just….convenient. We aren’t planning on seeing each other after I leave.”
Luke took a deep breath of relief.
“I’m sorry.”
“What are you sorry for?” Luke furrowed his brow.
“For not seeing that you were sick. If I had actually been paying more attention to you instead of treating the whole thing like some competition.”
“It’s not your fault,” Luke pouted. “I don’t blame you.”
“I just needed you to know that I was sorry.”
“Nothing to be sorry for,” he mumbled.
“I want you to know…that I forgive you.”
Luke sat up and turned around. Reid’s arm dropped by his side as he watched the younger man. “Y-you do?”
“I don’t want to hate you Luke. Not when…..not when I know the reason why I’m so mad in the first place is because of how much I loved you.” Luke’s breath hitched. “But…but maybe you were right. Sometimes it’s just…..it’s not enough, depending on the situation. Too much has happened and it would be different if we were both in a place where we could move forward, but we’re not. You want all of me and I’m just not ready to give you that and……Luke……there’s no way you’re ever going to let me really love you until you can find a way to love yourself.”
Luke sunk down, shoulders slouched forward, a near silent sob escaping his lips. “I know. So…what do we do?”
Reid leaned forward and brushed his lips against Luke’s, pulling him in for a tender kiss. “We say goodbye,” he whispered.
Luke cried as he rested his forehead on Reid’s. “You’re leaving soon,” he acknowledged.
“In a few weeks,” Reid replied quietly.
Luke nodded and tried to compose himself. He leaned in and pressed another kiss to Reid’s lips while rubbing his hand against the back of the man’s neck. His voice shook as he professed his love one last time. He shot up and grabbed his things, hastily retreating out the door before he could break down again. Reid watched as Luke disappeared and the door shut behind him, leaving him alone and feeling just as empty as the dark room he was sitting in.
“I love you too.”
Sitting on opposite sides of the couch, they stared at each other as Luke tucked his feet under himself and began talking; his voice soft, but steady.
“When I left, Christmas morning, when we were in Chicago …I…I didn’t want to. I know I had to because my family was expecting me, but…you said you would come back and then you didn’t.”
“I got held up in surgery,” Reid interrupted.
“I know,” he replied quickly. “I know that now, but I didn’t then. I thought if you got held up you would’ve at least called to let me know that. You said later that you missed me by about five minutes, so even now, I keep wondering why you didn’t call to at least let me know that you were out of surgery and you were on your way. But, you didn’t, so I thought…” Luke shook his head. “We had just spent the night together and it was…God Reid, it was like nothing I’d ever experienced before. Noah was the only person I had ever been with and being with you that night. Honestly, I’d never felt anything like that before. It petrified me. That whole day I was on edge because the thought of leaving, not seeing you or waking up to you again like I had been doing for the two weeks before that….I knew, that day, for sure. I had suspected it before then, but that day I knew for sure that I was in love with you. So when you never came back and I didn’t hear anything from you, not even a phone call later explaining what happened, I thought….I thought that maybe it was just me. I mean, Christ, who falls in love with someone that quickly? I do apparently,” he mumbled. “So when I got home and never heard from you, I tried to just brush it off. I felt miserable though. I pretty much didn’t do anything besides lie around the house in your shirt and scrub pants I slept in when I stayed at your hotel. It was pretty much all I had left to feel close to you. I found myself with my cell phone in my hand on New Year’s Eve. I kept trying to talk myself into calling you, but I didn’t.”
“Why not?” Reid asked, his voice cracking slightly.
Luke shrugged. “I figured there was a reason you never called to explain what happened, so despite how badly I wanted to hear your voice, I went upstairs to bed instead. I don’t take hints very well….or listen very well I guess. No matter how many times Noah said he needed space, I never seemed to give him enough of it and that usually caused him to be even more upset with me. I didn’t want you to ever feel that way with me. If it meant more to you then you would’ve called, but you didn’t, so I just needed to accept that it was what it was; a winter romance so to speak,” he said with a small smile in an attempt to lighten the mood. The unshed tears pooling in his eyes however, showed what he was truly feeling thinking back at that time.
Reid could feel his own eyes watering, but he swallowed, forcing himself to calm down. “I don’t know how to ask you this, but, am I….am I the reason you started drinking again?”
“Do you want the truth?” Luke asked seriously.
“Yes.”
Luke leaned forward and pressed his thumb against Reid’s cheek to catch the stray tear he hadn’t realize he shed.
“At the time, there were a few different reasons. You were one of them yes. But it wasn’t because I was mad at you. I was just….so lonely. I had found out that Damian knew my dad was alive and had kept it from us and that he had tried to kill my aunt and my mom was in the hospital because of him. I was left with a company that I really had no idea what to do with and my parents seemed to be fighting even more because of all of it. I just needed someone to be there for me, you know? Not because they needed something from me, but because they saw that I was practically drowning in it all, but no one was. And then I thought about you and that made it even worse because I was reminded of everything I felt and then I just snapped. I was so tired. Then one day I woke up before the sun had even came out and I realized that I had fallen asleep outside by the pond. It was freezing cold and there was an empty bottle of vodka next to me. For the life of me I couldn’t remember how I got there and then I remembered how appealing that used to be to me when I first started drinking; the not remembering. So I kept doing it when I needed to, which was a lot more than what any normal person would consume. It didn’t take long for me to get sick. You know what’s funny? To this day I can’t remember that first night. I don’t remember how or where I got the bottle. I can’t remember taking the first drink. Isn’t it funny? That night changed everything again, yet in my mind, it’s like it never happened. Something so big and…..just…..nothing.”
Reid closed his eyes. Imagining Luke like that made him physically ache. It also made him inexplicably angry at his family for not knowing that he had turned to alcohol again.
“How did Noah get involved?” Reid pressed forward.
“He found me drunk one night,” Luke said quietly. “I had been doing my best to avoid him. Things between him and Mason went downhill pretty fast and as soon as it did, he suddenly remembered me. My mom kept having us randomly be in the same place at the same time, so I sort of started avoiding them both whenever I could. I wouldn’t go to meet my mom if she was alone because I thought it might’ve been one of her plans.” Luke cleared his throat. “It was a weekday I think and the middle of the night. After ten, Old Towne is practically completely vacant. I don’t know what he was even doing there so late, but, all it took was one look at me for him to know. He’d seen me drunk before. He didn’t really seem that surprised. But then again, he was always waiting for me to fail. I always mess things up in the end. It’s just who I am.”
Reid shook his head. “It’s not.”
“It is,” Luke said seriously. “I know who I am Reid. Sooner or later I always screw things up. It’s just how I’m programmed.”
Not wanting to get into an argument about that, Reid went to his next question. “What did he do when he found you?”
“He took me back to his apartment. Let me sleep it off. He seemed….nice. Before when I was drinking, he broke up with me. He didn’t want anything to do with me. I had messed up so he didn’t want to be around me…”
“Jesus,” Reid murmured.
“But, he didn’t do that this time. He didn’t push me away or yell at me. In fact, he didn’t really say anything.”
“You realize why he didn’t, right Luke?”
Luke nodded. “He wanted me back in his life. I’m not a complete idiot. I can see that. Yeah, he was taking advantage, but….I didn’t care. It was…..nice to have someone to be around and not have to worry about everything. That’s all I was thinking about at the time. He would get…..grabby sometimes though.”
“Grabby how?” Reid asked through clenched teeth.
“Sometimes he would just go to touch me. He usually didn’t try it when I was sober…..”
“Wait a minute,” Reid interrupted him. “You mean, he watched you get drunk? It’s not enough that he knew about it and never said anything to your family or actually tried to help you, but he let you drink, in front him? Jesus fucking Christ Luke.” Reid got up off the couch and started pacing. His hands kept involuntarily clenching. He was practically shaking and had never had the desire to beat the ever living crap out of someone so bad.
“Why in the hell would you agree to marry him!?”
Luke sighed. “I knew something was wrong. I felt tired all the time. I started getting shooting pains in my side. Anyway,” he shook his head, “Noah was the only one I told. The last thing I wanted to do was be a burden on anyone and to know that I had disappointed them….again. Noah already knew about the drinking, so I thought that it would help if at least one person knew that I was sick. He said he wanted to take care of me. I knew the chances of me getting a kidney weren’t great. Last time I needed a transplant, practically the whole town was tested and no one was a match. He asked me to marry him. He promised that I wouldn’t be alone while I was going through all of it. He said he’d keep my secret.”
“So you said yes.”
“No, I….I told him I couldn’t. I had told him about you. That I had met someone while we were broken up. I told him that I was in love with you and I needed to see you. There was a Nephrologist that I wanted to look at while I was in Dallas . He worked at the same hospital as you. I was going to see him and then find you. I honestly don’t know what I was expecting. I had already convinced myself that you didn’t really feel the same way. Still though…I had to know for sure.”
“That’s when you found me with Matt,” Reid said understanding.
“Yeah, so I left and came back to Oakdale. Noah had said that I was setting myself up to be heartbroken, that things wouldn’t work out and he was right. But, I didn’t want to be alone and he said his offer still stood, so I accepted.”
Reid took a deep breath. “I need a break for a few minutes.”
Luke nodded. “Do you want me to go? We can get together another day if…”
“No,” Reid replied quickly. “I just….I need a few minutes. Are you hungry? I’m hungry.”
Luke hadn’t really thought about it. “I guess I could eat,” he said slowly.
“I’m going to go to Al’s and get take out and then when I come back we’ll talk some more.”
“What about Jacob?”
“You can stay with him, while I go out right?”
“Yeah, sure. I’ll be here waiting for you.”
*
“How was your sandwich?”
By the time Reid was back from Al’s and they had finished eating, it was nearing midnight. The apartment was dark except for the soft glow emitting from the TV, which was muted. They had retaken their positions on the couch; Luke’s sock clad feet, tucked underneath his body again. Reid, meanwhile had one leg bent on the couch, while the other hung off. This time they were noticeably sitting closer.
“It was good thanks,” Luke smiled softly.
They stared at each other for what seemed like hours before Reid finally had the courage to ask what was probably his biggest question; the one that was most important to him. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
Luke made a sound, not quite like a grunt and shook his head. “A couple different reasons. One day it would be because I didn’t want you to feel sorry for me. Then it would change to imagining what you would think of me. You already knew I was a drunk. I just didn’t want you to think that’s all I’d ever be.”
“I wouldn’t have thought that.”
“You already had said that I was the expert at the subject matter.”
Reid frowned in confusion before remembering their fight they had in Chicago . “I said I was sorry for that; that I didn’t mean it.”
“I know, but it didn’t make the statement any less true. I spent over two years with Noah where he told me the same things. After awhile it doesn’t matter who it comes from. It all hurts the same and sooner or later you start believing it too. I didn’t want you to know that I had proved you right. We both know you’re better than me Reid. I didn’t want you to be reminded of the fact and leave me.”
“So you just thought you’d leave me first?” he said getting upset.
Luke shook his head. “That’s not……when you first showed up. I tried to stay away from you, but you were always there and then you told me you loved me and…and I couldn’t help myself. I couldn’t push you away…not that day, not in that moment. I let myself get caught up in you, in what I felt, but then it all came crashing back and I was reminded that it would never work. You apparently did want me, but I couldn’t give you what you were asking of me, so I tried to push you away.”
“But then you told me you loved me.”
“And I meant it,” he said sincerely. “I had, had an appointment with my neprologist. We thought we had found a donor and I…..I was just so relieved and then I saw you.”
“You would’ve had to have told me though Luke. Were you planning on going away to have the transplant and then come back? I would’ve had to have found out eventually.”
“I know. I didn’t want to tell you because I was scared, but I was going to. But then I got a phone call and found out that there was no donor anymore and suddenly Noah was there, talking about how this was always part of the plan and how it was all a sign.”
“Such bullshit.”
“You don’t think I know that,” Luke said angrily. “You don’t think I realize how stupid I was,” he cried. “I’m more than aware. If I could take it back, all of it, I would in a heartbeat, but I can’t. Nothing I do is ever going to change it.”
“I still would’ve wanted to be with you, even if you were sick. You had to have known that.”
“I was confused….about everything. And then I just kept thinking about you having to sit there and watch me while I die and I couldn’t…..I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t see you break like that. I couldn’t have handled it. I had to try to accept the fact that, that was it and I knew I’d never be able to if I was still around you.” The tears kept pouring out and Luke felt like he could barely catch his breath. “I’m so so-sorry Reid. I’m so sorry.”
Reid reached out, his hand shaking as he placed it on the back of Luke’s head and pulled him forward, cradling him to his chest. One hand carded in his hair and the other ran along Luke’s smooth cheek, all the while he murmured small words of comfort.
*
Fifteen minutes later and Luke was all cried out. Reid’s arm was now wrapped around his waist holding him to his side. Luke’s head was still nestled on Reid’s chest.
“I didn’t know how to come back,” he said, his voice thick with emotion. “I messed up so many things. I wasn’t strong enough and I didn’t know what to do, so I called Matt. He already knew the truth. It was easier. Don’t be mad at him because of me. Please.”
“I’m not. I was mad earlier because it seems like everyone knew all about the situation and what happened but me, so I took it out on him.”
“He made me promise that I would go to rehab and then come back here….and face you.”
“You didn’t want to see me?”
“No,” he said honestly. “I was too ashamed.”
“When was your last drink?”
“About a year ago.”
“That’s good,” he murmured, moving his fingers through Luke’s golden locks. “And rehab?”
“It………was hard.”
“Do you think you’re better?”
“They let me go.”
“That wasn’t an answer.”
“I don’t…..my first urge is still to drink when something goes wrong.”
Reid squeezed his eyes shut tight, feeling the burn inside them as he did so. “Do you love yourself Luke?”
“What?” he said caught off guard.
“Do you love yourself?” he repeated.
Luke paused and his mouth dropped open. “I……..” His mouth opened and closed a few more times before his own eyes began burning again. “No,” he barely whispered.
*
“I hate you sometimes,” Reid inaudibly declared. “For leaving me. For not trusting in me. For making me think that love’s not enough. I thought that my whole life and then I met you. You changed everything.”
“Sometimes love isn’t enough though. I always thought that it was, but looking back on my life….it’s not.”
“It’s only not enough if the person that love is directed towards doesn’t deserve it.”
“I don’t deserve it,” Luke whispered.
“Yes you do. I just don’t know how to be the one to give it to you. You were right you know. What you said last month; I never really opened up to you. I loved you, but…I was still guarded too. I wasn’t ready to share things about myself.”
“Are you ready now?”
“No,” he said with certainty. “I’m not. I still haven’t quite worked out how to do that yet.”
“Me either.”
“I don’t love him; Jared. He’s just….convenient. We aren’t planning on seeing each other after I leave.”
Luke took a deep breath of relief.
“I’m sorry.”
“What are you sorry for?” Luke furrowed his brow.
“For not seeing that you were sick. If I had actually been paying more attention to you instead of treating the whole thing like some competition.”
“It’s not your fault,” Luke pouted. “I don’t blame you.”
“I just needed you to know that I was sorry.”
“Nothing to be sorry for,” he mumbled.
“I want you to know…that I forgive you.”
Luke sat up and turned around. Reid’s arm dropped by his side as he watched the younger man. “Y-you do?”
“I don’t want to hate you Luke. Not when…..not when I know the reason why I’m so mad in the first place is because of how much I loved you.” Luke’s breath hitched. “But…but maybe you were right. Sometimes it’s just…..it’s not enough, depending on the situation. Too much has happened and it would be different if we were both in a place where we could move forward, but we’re not. You want all of me and I’m just not ready to give you that and……Luke……there’s no way you’re ever going to let me really love you until you can find a way to love yourself.”
Luke sunk down, shoulders slouched forward, a near silent sob escaping his lips. “I know. So…what do we do?”
Reid leaned forward and brushed his lips against Luke’s, pulling him in for a tender kiss. “We say goodbye,” he whispered.
Luke cried as he rested his forehead on Reid’s. “You’re leaving soon,” he acknowledged.
“In a few weeks,” Reid replied quietly.
Luke nodded and tried to compose himself. He leaned in and pressed another kiss to Reid’s lips while rubbing his hand against the back of the man’s neck. His voice shook as he professed his love one last time. He shot up and grabbed his things, hastily retreating out the door before he could break down again. Reid watched as Luke disappeared and the door shut behind him, leaving him alone and feeling just as empty as the dark room he was sitting in.
“I love you too.”