scar tissue
I realized today that i'm still suffering very much from things that happened to me long ago.
i lost my breath today. my heart rate excelerated considerably. I became light headed and nautious. My brain rifled off all the possible deathly scenarios that it possibly could to explain why i had a phone call in waiting for me in the foreman's office.
the call was in regards to an inquiry i made to an outside metal trades organazation. they were corresponding. no problem.. thing is i don't ever get phone calls at work... to my foreman's office anyway... though thats obviously not the problem. I was completly aware that this company was going to get back to me sometime soon.. but when called up to the office i dismissed and other reason than something horrible. solely on the fact that i almost never get phone calls.
I know exactly why i do that.. or why it happens.. can't say i "do that" to my self... i obviously don't have any control over my deepest feelings. i certainly wouldn't assume my mother had been in a terrible car accident if i could help it. My knees wouldn't nearly buckle while i traverse the stairs if i had a moticum of control over what effected me the most in all of these years. And i certianly wouldn't put myslef through so much pain if i could help it.
A simple phone call.. and just because it was slightly out of the ordinary.. i lost control of my thoughts. it took me 1 minute to walk to the office after being paged. in that 1 minute I saw faces of friends and family.. dead...dieing, hurt, in danger, in ditches, face down. every possible scenario i could muster to prepare me. in one minute i prepared myself to hear a policemans voice, a corroner, an official, a family member calling to inform me of something terrible. I prepared myself to end a conversatoin and have to leave immediatly to identify a body.
and i did this today... every time something catches me off guard... its my self induced defense-mechanism. this isn't me being paronoid.. this is real to me.. cause too many times in this life have i been caught off gaurd and forever scared because of it.
i swear i die a little everytime it happens... and it had been a long time until today since i felt like that... i thought it had passed.. but it came out of nowhere.. like it always does. i never hold the rail on the stairs from the office at work but i did today after my meaningless correspondance... still full of adrenalin.. i poured a coffee.. sat down and reflected for a couple minutes... shook it off.. went back to work. tried to forget about it.
its been more than 8 years since i sat for two hours waiting for my mother to pick me up after marching band rehersal. that whole time i waited not a single bad thought enterend my mind other than me being upset about my mother not being there to watch my first marching band performance... she arrived eventually.. with tears in her eyes she told me my brother had burned to death in his truck early that morning.
i think people spend a lot of time thinking about what particular moment in their life defines them. A moment that makes them and is them every single day of their lives from that point on.. they might figure it out, they might not... i don't think about it. I don't ponder it. i already know.
i've felt that moment..
I asked myself when i was gonna wake up.
I cried out in anger, as if it could change anything.
i realized it the second it happened.. and thats a terrible thing for a 14 year old. too damned young. to weak. not capable of dealing with emoition well enough to deal with that kind of loss. but its not all together bad either. I'm alright.
but its days like today that make time travel seem like a tangible thing... i traveled back 8 years in a minute...
this wasn't the only occurance of such a thing.. but its obviously the most tramatic.. and recent i guess...
they always say that time heals all wounds. you can believe it if you want to. its true. but don't ever think for a second that you won't feel that wound ever again. because yes.. wounds do heal. i can say that. but they remain as a scar on your emotional stabilty. every once in awhile you look down and you see that scar. and you feel that wound all over again.
i saw my scar today.
i lost my breath today. my heart rate excelerated considerably. I became light headed and nautious. My brain rifled off all the possible deathly scenarios that it possibly could to explain why i had a phone call in waiting for me in the foreman's office.
the call was in regards to an inquiry i made to an outside metal trades organazation. they were corresponding. no problem.. thing is i don't ever get phone calls at work... to my foreman's office anyway... though thats obviously not the problem. I was completly aware that this company was going to get back to me sometime soon.. but when called up to the office i dismissed and other reason than something horrible. solely on the fact that i almost never get phone calls.
I know exactly why i do that.. or why it happens.. can't say i "do that" to my self... i obviously don't have any control over my deepest feelings. i certainly wouldn't assume my mother had been in a terrible car accident if i could help it. My knees wouldn't nearly buckle while i traverse the stairs if i had a moticum of control over what effected me the most in all of these years. And i certianly wouldn't put myslef through so much pain if i could help it.
A simple phone call.. and just because it was slightly out of the ordinary.. i lost control of my thoughts. it took me 1 minute to walk to the office after being paged. in that 1 minute I saw faces of friends and family.. dead...dieing, hurt, in danger, in ditches, face down. every possible scenario i could muster to prepare me. in one minute i prepared myself to hear a policemans voice, a corroner, an official, a family member calling to inform me of something terrible. I prepared myself to end a conversatoin and have to leave immediatly to identify a body.
and i did this today... every time something catches me off guard... its my self induced defense-mechanism. this isn't me being paronoid.. this is real to me.. cause too many times in this life have i been caught off gaurd and forever scared because of it.
i swear i die a little everytime it happens... and it had been a long time until today since i felt like that... i thought it had passed.. but it came out of nowhere.. like it always does. i never hold the rail on the stairs from the office at work but i did today after my meaningless correspondance... still full of adrenalin.. i poured a coffee.. sat down and reflected for a couple minutes... shook it off.. went back to work. tried to forget about it.
its been more than 8 years since i sat for two hours waiting for my mother to pick me up after marching band rehersal. that whole time i waited not a single bad thought enterend my mind other than me being upset about my mother not being there to watch my first marching band performance... she arrived eventually.. with tears in her eyes she told me my brother had burned to death in his truck early that morning.
i think people spend a lot of time thinking about what particular moment in their life defines them. A moment that makes them and is them every single day of their lives from that point on.. they might figure it out, they might not... i don't think about it. I don't ponder it. i already know.
i've felt that moment..
I asked myself when i was gonna wake up.
I cried out in anger, as if it could change anything.
i realized it the second it happened.. and thats a terrible thing for a 14 year old. too damned young. to weak. not capable of dealing with emoition well enough to deal with that kind of loss. but its not all together bad either. I'm alright.
but its days like today that make time travel seem like a tangible thing... i traveled back 8 years in a minute...
this wasn't the only occurance of such a thing.. but its obviously the most tramatic.. and recent i guess...
they always say that time heals all wounds. you can believe it if you want to. its true. but don't ever think for a second that you won't feel that wound ever again. because yes.. wounds do heal. i can say that. but they remain as a scar on your emotional stabilty. every once in awhile you look down and you see that scar. and you feel that wound all over again.
i saw my scar today.