I'm not crazy, just fucked up.
I got a phone call the other day and it made me realize that i'm insane. It became clear to me that my mind fabricates and facilitates its own reality when left alone. I also realized that i force myself to believe that everything is my fault.. say for instance, people stop calling or hanging out. its my fault right? I mean, there can be no other possible explanation as to why someone would stop hanging out with me or calling. Ok, well what was it exactly. cause i refuse to believe that its their deal and not mine. must have been something i said... ok well, now i'm going to sit here and think about every little moment we were together and try and remember every little comment i made. And now i'm going to scrutinize them.. which ones made you laugh? which ones made you smile and squeeze my hand? and which ones made you feel uncomfortable? cause it had to have been one of those ridiculous things i said that made it not ok to talk to me anymore... I have to believe that it was my fault, i won't except anything else.. i refuse to believe that anyone else has issues.. I feel the need to place any and all blame on my shoulders cause thats what i do. And thats what i've felt comfortable doing for years now. I didn't question my actions until i found the proof i was looking for. till i was near you again and not even one attempt at eye contact was made, and i left... cause thats the proof i needed to know i had fucked up... whether i actually had or not makes no difference. I used it to fabricate an explanation that i could tell myself.
I'm not crazy. i don't think I am anyway. I'm just fucked up. I'm sure i came off as crazy though. I just don't have any idea what to do anymore. I'm sure that i'm emotionally overwhelming at all times.
I've been chained down in a lightless room. once in awhile a door opens and casts a blinding light in my direction and i jump at it... i wrap my arms around it. I tell it i love it. and that i can't live without it. then the door closes and the light is gone for another indeterminable amount of time. And i sit in a dark room trying to figure out why it left... must have been something i said.
The following is an over dramtic anology i have come up with in a way to describe how i feel. I am a flat line on a heart monitor. A long piercing bell tone that under normal circumstances would draw the attention of people in its immediate vicinity. But my flat line has been ringing for years now and it no longer draws acute attention. no, now it gets a furtive glance once in awhile to check for an occasional blip on the screen... The heart that cried wolf as i like to call it.
I was flipping through my album collection the other day. Wanted to listen to something i hadn't heard in awhile, didn't know quite what. So i flipped through it. "Thursday: porcelain" no, i love it but it makes me feel like shit when i listen to it. "Coheed: second stage turbine" takes me back when i was unhappy with my realtionship. "At the drive in: relationship of command" same... "Ben Folds: rockin' the suburbs" really depressed when i bought this album, takes me right back to then. "Greenday: insomnia" only album i listened to for weeks after my brother died, don't wanna deal with that right now. "Incubus: s.c.i.e.n.c.e" reminds me of turmoil between friends and the bands we were in. "Radiohead: ok computer" thoughts of my drunken father -today we escape... we hope you choke. "New end original: Thriller" depression.... - so i just listened to the radio instead.
I'm really pissed off that i couldn't find something to listen to without screwing up my mood. I couldn't find anything to suit my mood either... I spanned a fucking decade of time while looking through my cd's and couldn't find one that would make me happy. So i realized that i haven't been happy -ever.. cause every single cd i have reminds me of how i felt like shit when i first listened to it. someone take me to bullmoose and point at shit and i'll buy it. i don't care. though it won't do much good cause years from now i'll do the same thing... not be able to listen to whatever i bought then cause i wasn't happy when i first listened to it.
also here is a list of the initials of people i know/love.... if anyone one where to hurt the following people in anyway, i would not hesitate to go to jail to avenge them. just thought i'd say so. (in no particular order)
AT, JN, TN, NM, MM, AW, NG, JB, JG, JB, JH, AY, CS, KH, NR, JR, JW, ND, CT, ER... and my family and stuff
I'm not crazy. i don't think I am anyway. I'm just fucked up. I'm sure i came off as crazy though. I just don't have any idea what to do anymore. I'm sure that i'm emotionally overwhelming at all times.
I've been chained down in a lightless room. once in awhile a door opens and casts a blinding light in my direction and i jump at it... i wrap my arms around it. I tell it i love it. and that i can't live without it. then the door closes and the light is gone for another indeterminable amount of time. And i sit in a dark room trying to figure out why it left... must have been something i said.
The following is an over dramtic anology i have come up with in a way to describe how i feel. I am a flat line on a heart monitor. A long piercing bell tone that under normal circumstances would draw the attention of people in its immediate vicinity. But my flat line has been ringing for years now and it no longer draws acute attention. no, now it gets a furtive glance once in awhile to check for an occasional blip on the screen... The heart that cried wolf as i like to call it.
I was flipping through my album collection the other day. Wanted to listen to something i hadn't heard in awhile, didn't know quite what. So i flipped through it. "Thursday: porcelain" no, i love it but it makes me feel like shit when i listen to it. "Coheed: second stage turbine" takes me back when i was unhappy with my realtionship. "At the drive in: relationship of command" same... "Ben Folds: rockin' the suburbs" really depressed when i bought this album, takes me right back to then. "Greenday: insomnia" only album i listened to for weeks after my brother died, don't wanna deal with that right now. "Incubus: s.c.i.e.n.c.e" reminds me of turmoil between friends and the bands we were in. "Radiohead: ok computer" thoughts of my drunken father -today we escape... we hope you choke. "New end original: Thriller" depression.... - so i just listened to the radio instead.
I'm really pissed off that i couldn't find something to listen to without screwing up my mood. I couldn't find anything to suit my mood either... I spanned a fucking decade of time while looking through my cd's and couldn't find one that would make me happy. So i realized that i haven't been happy -ever.. cause every single cd i have reminds me of how i felt like shit when i first listened to it. someone take me to bullmoose and point at shit and i'll buy it. i don't care. though it won't do much good cause years from now i'll do the same thing... not be able to listen to whatever i bought then cause i wasn't happy when i first listened to it.
also here is a list of the initials of people i know/love.... if anyone one where to hurt the following people in anyway, i would not hesitate to go to jail to avenge them. just thought i'd say so. (in no particular order)
AT, JN, TN, NM, MM, AW, NG, JB, JG, JB, JH, AY, CS, KH, NR, JR, JW, ND, CT, ER... and my family and stuff