Feelings...about jeff...

[stitchoutmyeyez]

I keep writing so much an jus deleting it.. Seems i can't put into words what i'm thinking..nor feeling.. Tonight i drove home from indy an got straight on the computer in hopes jeff would be on to talk to him cuz i miss him like mad, an to my suprise he wasnt on.. an he didnt leave me a msg sayin he wasnt goin to be on.. so i sat an waited an i realized that he wasnt goin to get on. so then i began to get upset an went to leave him a msg on myspace an saw that some girl [ that i shouldnt get jealous of] wrote him a msg sayin something bout a deal an he was it.. i dont get it why does that bother me.. Yes i've been cheated on in the past but i dont see jeff doing that at all, he loves me an i love him.. yes i said it i love him.. anyone that has a problem with it kiss my fucking ass.. There is something bout him that just makes me weak in my knees.. I miss him so much sometimes i just want to cry cuz i miss him that bad.. I dont understand why I can't be with him right now, well i do but its so pointless i just wanna be in his arms, hold his hand an kiss his lips.. I miss the smallest things.. Jus lookin over an seeing him lookin at me.. I want to move in with him .. an i can't wait.. I just want to be with him forever, an never let him go. .He's the only guy that has treated me with some kind of respect an he is so sweet to me i'm not used to that at all...an as i write this little tiny tears fall how gay.. I hate being a emotional wreck tis gay.. no offense nikki..I had a dream last night about dave an jeff.. was so weird.. Were were at a party an jeff was like " lets go " an i looked at him an said i can't im where i'm suppose to be.. im with dave" an i jus woke up an just wanted to cry , cuz i dont want to ever say that to him.. But it was jus a dream.. To be honest I have liked jeff since i was with dave.. he was the reason i broke up with dave to began with.. i figured there had to be a reason that he came into my life at that time.. I have a problem wtih running people off.. I only allow myself to get so close to someone before i shut myself down to them. I figure tis the best way to prevent me from a huge heartbreak.. but i don't wanna run him away from me, but i don' tknow how to stop myself from being that bitchy gf.. its how i was raised.. I just don't know what i'd do if he just told me we should just be friends.. I don't think i could take it to be honest.. In his arms is where i feel safe.. he patched me up an made me whole again, an without him i'll be nothing again.. I just wish there was a way to let him know how much i truely love him without getting pissed off that I hardly talk to him, i have to learn to deal with the fact that he is goin to want to go out and do things.. I know i only act this way cuz i spent time with him an had the best time with him, an then i had to watch him leave me.. An you think I wouldnt be this way since the other night he told me that i'm the only person he wants to be with.. I need to learn to trust him alot more.. I know he wont do anything to hurt me.. He has never hurt me in the past an I just need to snap out of my jealous.bitch.mode! I still remember the first time he whispered he loved me.. My heart skipped.. god i miss him so bad.. Why does he have to live so far away... but hopefully really soon I will jus have to turn around an he'll be there when i miss him...

I guess i'll end this now.. since i've already wrote so much an i don't really know how else to put what i'm thinkin into words its already all weird an probably hard to understand..

moral of this entry.. I wanna be with jeff an i'm goin to stop being that jealous causing fights girl.. Hopefully i'll be wtih him really really soon.. * sigh * god missing someone sucks.. an i keep stare'n at his sn.. jus waiting for him to IM me so I can tell him I love him.