Dying's the hardest thing to do/ I'm an asshole
My aunt's husband just passed on (April 7). He'd been having severe kidney problems for months and on Monday, he was getting real bad. Mom and I went to see him at 3 a.m. and he was bleeding into a catheter.
The doctors seemed unable to tell my aunt and cousins that he was basically dead. They just seemed concerned with "making him comfortable." I didn't say anything but I knew he wasn't going to make it. In fact, I thought he was going to pass this morning but he kept on breathing for about an hour after the doctors disconnected him from oxygen.
It's hard dealing with death. Not so much the actual passing, but just watching someone whether it's my grandfathers and uncle clinging to what's left of their lives. Times like these I wish to hell euthanasia was legal. If I'm ever terminally ill or wounded or incapacitated to the point where I'm dead anyway, I'd rather be killed off. I don't want to put my family through the pain of watching me fade away for hours or days in a hospital.
I couldn't believe that Vern's gone. I couldn't cry at first since I had to drive mom and myself to Beaumont. After seeing Vern on the gurney, it hit me after a while and I got upset (crying with slight nausea). In January, he was all right when we had lunch at a Mexican place-- and then last Monday he just became severely fatigued and basically faded away by early this morning.
Mom also cried a lot-- it's her sister's second husband, and the second one that's died on her. I actually wound up with diarrhea Saturday from stress. I don't want Mom to get all riled up. She's been going through a lot with her cancer and she had an emotional episode last Thursday after going to the oncologist and seeing all of the sickly patients. People with scarves to cover bald heads thanks to chemo, pale, weak, patients. The last thing she needs to for more issues to cause her stress. That's what upsets me.
The kids are also acting like asses. I had to get the SRO officer involved because one class would not go into the seating arrangement I made because they will not shut the fuck up during instructional time. I'm getting pretty snippy on the job from stressing out about Mom and these kids' attitudes aren't helping.
And I still can't find .22 ammo, the good .45 ammo, and reloading components. I've been chewing over buying an air pistol to keep in practice once my stash runs out. It's just frustrating because I've devoted a lot of time and money into this hobby and now I may have to give it up because of ammo scarcities. And an air pistol is going to go into the thousands of dollars (I'm getting the next best thing to a real pistol, not some toy). Shit, I only paid into the +$1K range for the Ruger MKIII, but that weapon was a custom job for competition. The Kimber 1911 was also half my monthly salary. Only the S&W .22 and 9mm were under $600. And before Sandyhook, I would compulsively buy ammo because I knew it was a matter of time before politicians or assholes like the Aurora, Colorado movie shooter and the Sandyhook shooter went out and ruined things for the rest of us. Now I may be stuck with some very expensive paperweights. Some people say that this is just a phase, but four months of drought seems like it's gone beyond a phase.
The doctors seemed unable to tell my aunt and cousins that he was basically dead. They just seemed concerned with "making him comfortable." I didn't say anything but I knew he wasn't going to make it. In fact, I thought he was going to pass this morning but he kept on breathing for about an hour after the doctors disconnected him from oxygen.
It's hard dealing with death. Not so much the actual passing, but just watching someone whether it's my grandfathers and uncle clinging to what's left of their lives. Times like these I wish to hell euthanasia was legal. If I'm ever terminally ill or wounded or incapacitated to the point where I'm dead anyway, I'd rather be killed off. I don't want to put my family through the pain of watching me fade away for hours or days in a hospital.
I couldn't believe that Vern's gone. I couldn't cry at first since I had to drive mom and myself to Beaumont. After seeing Vern on the gurney, it hit me after a while and I got upset (crying with slight nausea). In January, he was all right when we had lunch at a Mexican place-- and then last Monday he just became severely fatigued and basically faded away by early this morning.
Mom also cried a lot-- it's her sister's second husband, and the second one that's died on her. I actually wound up with diarrhea Saturday from stress. I don't want Mom to get all riled up. She's been going through a lot with her cancer and she had an emotional episode last Thursday after going to the oncologist and seeing all of the sickly patients. People with scarves to cover bald heads thanks to chemo, pale, weak, patients. The last thing she needs to for more issues to cause her stress. That's what upsets me.
The kids are also acting like asses. I had to get the SRO officer involved because one class would not go into the seating arrangement I made because they will not shut the fuck up during instructional time. I'm getting pretty snippy on the job from stressing out about Mom and these kids' attitudes aren't helping.
And I still can't find .22 ammo, the good .45 ammo, and reloading components. I've been chewing over buying an air pistol to keep in practice once my stash runs out. It's just frustrating because I've devoted a lot of time and money into this hobby and now I may have to give it up because of ammo scarcities. And an air pistol is going to go into the thousands of dollars (I'm getting the next best thing to a real pistol, not some toy). Shit, I only paid into the +$1K range for the Ruger MKIII, but that weapon was a custom job for competition. The Kimber 1911 was also half my monthly salary. Only the S&W .22 and 9mm were under $600. And before Sandyhook, I would compulsively buy ammo because I knew it was a matter of time before politicians or assholes like the Aurora, Colorado movie shooter and the Sandyhook shooter went out and ruined things for the rest of us. Now I may be stuck with some very expensive paperweights. Some people say that this is just a phase, but four months of drought seems like it's gone beyond a phase.