The Vactor Effect
Have you seen a Vactor today?
You don’t know what a Vactor is? Well, once upon a time I didn’t either. When my son was two and heavily interested in such things, we were reading an alphabet book that was about construction equipment and we came to “V is for Vactor.” Huh? I had never heard of a Vactor and was sure I’d never seen one.
But I was wrong.
The very next day out driving around I pointed excitedly and said to Ian, “Look! There’s a Vactor!” And amazingly we saw several that day. And 6 years later we never go more than a few days without seeing at least one Vactor. We always point them out to each other and sometimes count how many we see in a day.
I realized it was not that I had never actually had the to opportunity to see a Vactor - clearly if they were all around me after reading that book it was not that they magically appeared then. I hadn’t seen them because I didn’t know what one was. They were invisible to me.
Things that are right there before our eyes can be invisible to us - until we know to look for them. I now call it “the Vactor effect.” It’s how when your friend gets a certain kind of car you now notice that same car everywhere when you hadn’t noticed any before. It’s the way when you are trying to conceive a child there are pregnant women everywhere you go. It’s how when your child is interested in something you notice lots of other kids who are also interested in the same thing, even if last week you had never heard of it. It’s the way when you begin to learn a new language, you notice it places you never did before. And it’s how if you have never encountered a Gay or Lesbian family you might think they aren’t around you - until you know better.
When people talk about the marriage amendment in certain circles I can tell I am invisible to them. I read letters from people talking about same-sex couples in the hypothetical. Someday we might exist. Someday we might get married. Someone asked how a same-sex couple would ever have a child, as if it were an impossibility rather than a fact.
We are invisible to people only because they don’t know we are here. They don’t know that there are one million GLBT parents in the US and those parents have two million children. They don’t know that same-sex couples - some married and some not - already live in every single county in Minnesota. We are Vactors.
When my wife and I first had our son, sometimes people out in public would ask, “Whose baby is it?” Or else they would assume they knew and speak to one of us about how cute our son was (he was perfectly adorable, of course) and ignore the other. We were a family, yet they couldn’t see us.
When we eat dinner out as a family we almost always get asked if we want separate checks. Even servers who have been right there as we both actively parent our child do this. Even those who were right there as our son called us each “mom.” My best friend who is married to a man has NEVER been asked if she would like separate checks when her family eats dinner out. We are invisible though we are right in front of them.
And invisibility is at the heart of the main scare tactic used by those commercials telling people to vote for this awful amendment. The threat is not that we will do any harm or that us being here is a problem. They don’t claim the amendment will force us out of the state or break up our families. The threat is that their children will learn we exist. What scares them is that they will see us and the amendment is supposed to have some magic powers that make us remain invisible.
But the reality is a Constitutional amendment has no such powers. We are here either way. Some children do have two moms and others have two dads and no matter what you write into the Constitution that will still be true. The amendment has the feeling of someone closing their eyes, putting their fingers in their ears and saying “la la la.”
Whether married couples in Minnesota have a marriage license from this state or not does have much if any effect on what children will learn and understand. Children will likely not grasp the difference a marriage license from one state or another makes nor will they understand the various injustices caused by federal legislation. They will not know which married couples in Minnesota have religious marriage and which have secular ones.
And despite adults trying to pretend and make us invisible, kids still know a family when they see it. And it is up to parents to share their values with their kids. By all means, if someone disapproves of our family, she should teach that to her child. That is a parent’s right, and I would even say her responsibility. My wife and I have certainly taught our child our values, which include respectful discussion and disagreement, learning about those who are different, and seeking to make the world a better and more just place to live. And we have taught our son that we do not raise ourselves up as a family by putting others’ down. I don’t need an amendment to say that.
When we were at Fort Snelling on my son’s birthday last year he was asked to help with one of the cannon demonstrations. He was so excited and the man who had him “assist” made a nice fuss about it being his birthday. As I took some pictures the man said to Ian, “turn and smile at your moms.” It was such a small thing but I remember being so touched. He saw us. We were suddenly visible.
Now that you know to look for us, perhaps you will see us too.
How many Vactors did you see today? How many will you see tomorrow?
You don’t know what a Vactor is? Well, once upon a time I didn’t either. When my son was two and heavily interested in such things, we were reading an alphabet book that was about construction equipment and we came to “V is for Vactor.” Huh? I had never heard of a Vactor and was sure I’d never seen one.
But I was wrong.
The very next day out driving around I pointed excitedly and said to Ian, “Look! There’s a Vactor!” And amazingly we saw several that day. And 6 years later we never go more than a few days without seeing at least one Vactor. We always point them out to each other and sometimes count how many we see in a day.
I realized it was not that I had never actually had the to opportunity to see a Vactor - clearly if they were all around me after reading that book it was not that they magically appeared then. I hadn’t seen them because I didn’t know what one was. They were invisible to me.
Things that are right there before our eyes can be invisible to us - until we know to look for them. I now call it “the Vactor effect.” It’s how when your friend gets a certain kind of car you now notice that same car everywhere when you hadn’t noticed any before. It’s the way when you are trying to conceive a child there are pregnant women everywhere you go. It’s how when your child is interested in something you notice lots of other kids who are also interested in the same thing, even if last week you had never heard of it. It’s the way when you begin to learn a new language, you notice it places you never did before. And it’s how if you have never encountered a Gay or Lesbian family you might think they aren’t around you - until you know better.
When people talk about the marriage amendment in certain circles I can tell I am invisible to them. I read letters from people talking about same-sex couples in the hypothetical. Someday we might exist. Someday we might get married. Someone asked how a same-sex couple would ever have a child, as if it were an impossibility rather than a fact.
We are invisible to people only because they don’t know we are here. They don’t know that there are one million GLBT parents in the US and those parents have two million children. They don’t know that same-sex couples - some married and some not - already live in every single county in Minnesota. We are Vactors.
When my wife and I first had our son, sometimes people out in public would ask, “Whose baby is it?” Or else they would assume they knew and speak to one of us about how cute our son was (he was perfectly adorable, of course) and ignore the other. We were a family, yet they couldn’t see us.
When we eat dinner out as a family we almost always get asked if we want separate checks. Even servers who have been right there as we both actively parent our child do this. Even those who were right there as our son called us each “mom.” My best friend who is married to a man has NEVER been asked if she would like separate checks when her family eats dinner out. We are invisible though we are right in front of them.
And invisibility is at the heart of the main scare tactic used by those commercials telling people to vote for this awful amendment. The threat is not that we will do any harm or that us being here is a problem. They don’t claim the amendment will force us out of the state or break up our families. The threat is that their children will learn we exist. What scares them is that they will see us and the amendment is supposed to have some magic powers that make us remain invisible.
But the reality is a Constitutional amendment has no such powers. We are here either way. Some children do have two moms and others have two dads and no matter what you write into the Constitution that will still be true. The amendment has the feeling of someone closing their eyes, putting their fingers in their ears and saying “la la la.”
Whether married couples in Minnesota have a marriage license from this state or not does have much if any effect on what children will learn and understand. Children will likely not grasp the difference a marriage license from one state or another makes nor will they understand the various injustices caused by federal legislation. They will not know which married couples in Minnesota have religious marriage and which have secular ones.
And despite adults trying to pretend and make us invisible, kids still know a family when they see it. And it is up to parents to share their values with their kids. By all means, if someone disapproves of our family, she should teach that to her child. That is a parent’s right, and I would even say her responsibility. My wife and I have certainly taught our child our values, which include respectful discussion and disagreement, learning about those who are different, and seeking to make the world a better and more just place to live. And we have taught our son that we do not raise ourselves up as a family by putting others’ down. I don’t need an amendment to say that.
When we were at Fort Snelling on my son’s birthday last year he was asked to help with one of the cannon demonstrations. He was so excited and the man who had him “assist” made a nice fuss about it being his birthday. As I took some pictures the man said to Ian, “turn and smile at your moms.” It was such a small thing but I remember being so touched. He saw us. We were suddenly visible.
Now that you know to look for us, perhaps you will see us too.
How many Vactors did you see today? How many will you see tomorrow?