who the fuck is aesrock.
i think the more i get to know about a person, the more afraid i am to walk in the dark. the more afraid i am of them when they completely change themselves and their surroundings into something you'd never expect. i realize that there is something in myself which i have to change because my conclusions in which everyone comes down to a very similar outline of the things i distrust, dislike, disagree with are so common that i swear i will end up alone for the rest of my life. i will end up alone, or i will give in and make everything easy and become just like them. and it really is easy, it is easy to pretend the world and the balance in which true relationships exist is such a fucking simple thing to find that you can do it with someone you hated a week ago, you can do it with someone you never truly liked, you can do it with a snap of your finger. but what is so unrealized is that it is all just pretend because giving, to give and to receive and to trust and to honor and to be loyal to are not found or created within five minutes of eachother. to value the opinion of someone else highly enough to the point where you actually think about your responses before you say them, where you actually use your fucking mind when talking back to someone isn't real when you don't even care for the person. and so what, so i don't believe in that nonsense. i don't believe in that casual collision of time and place and people. i want to believe in something better, i want to see intelligence and i never knew that sort of thinking yielded punishment or hurt but now that i am starting to see it, i want to back out of it. i'd love to be the type of person who just showed up at people's houses fucked up and made amends with all of their old enemies and cried because they were so over come with their new found friendship. i'd love to be the type of person that could fake any mood, fake any conversation, fake any motion at all. i thought that the fact that i wasn't like that was something that people would appreciate. instead my entire life i've been called a fucking bitch, a fucking cunt, or any variation of the two. just because i don't put words where they don't deserve to be put. because being social to me doesn't outweigh my own feelings or thoughts towards the world, towards interactions or existence. it doesn't surpass the standards i have made for myself, but you should be happy to know that i am realizing i can't put standards on anyone else. i just run around in these circles with people, or with society in general where i want to dig to find something better because for some stupid reason i think it really exists. i know that location can't change a person but i think it will help me a lot to get away from here. i hope that it will help me to be more accepting, to be less judgemental and more kind while remaining to be real, and remaning to be honest to myself and to others. this is not just because of any one thing, this is something that i deal with everyday, struggle with everyday actually.