Hikaru no Go fic: Preliminaries. Part two
For the first part and information about the story, see this entry.
He got a curry out of the freezer and threw it in the microwave, then paced the house as he waited for it to defrost. He ate dinner, placed the plate in the dishwasher, then paced the house a bit more. He got the futon out and the bedclothes, then paced the house, and it was still only a quarter to eight. Then, reflecting that he was still in his day clothes, he changed into a pyjamas, and paced the house. Deciding that he probably stank after his not particularly strenuous day, he had a shower, dried himself, put on the pyjamas again and paced. Quarter to nine.
Exhaling nervously, and deciding that the reason he couldn't breathe properly was because it was too stuffy in the house, he stepped out into the garden.
Even in his state of heightened tension, he was aware it was a very nice garden. There was a full moon, and the plants and water features were thrown into sharp relief, the night air rich with fragrance. He tried to walk slowly and to let the serenity of it sink in and soothe him. It didn't work.
The minutes crawled, and he criss-crossed the garden several times, feeling oddly trapped. Finally, at ten minutes past nine, there was the sound of the gate, and he ran towards the house corner, rounding it just as Touya was getting out his key.
"Shindou! What are you doing? And why are you wearing slippers?"
Hikaru glanced down, discovering that he had indeed been walking around the garden in the house slippers. Thankfully, he was spared the necessity of a reply when Touya pocketed his key and walked towards him, looking at him with his usual direct gaze. Hikaru didn't think he could have said anything at all to save his life.
"Let's get inside," Touya said, taking his hand and leading the way back to the bedroom. Hikaru's legs kept wanting to shake, but he forced himself to walk normally, his grip on Touya's hand damp and slippery. His nervousness didn't seem to have any effect on his rival, who walked serenely beside him. The bedroom door, when they got to it, seemed like a dark cavern, a threatening and unpredictable place.
Hikaru kicked off the slippers and entered the room barefoot, wondering if he was going to faint. It would solve a lot of things, probably.
"You got out the futon already?"
"Yeah."
"Oh."
Time seemed to stretch, and the silence to thicken. The room was very dark, despite the full moon outside. Touya wasn't looking at him, his head was bowed slightly, his clean profile impassive, inscrutable.
"You mean you want to..." he began, and Hikaru swallowed.
"Yes," he said, getting it over with, and Touya looked at him. Then he nodded, looking away again, and put his bag on the floor before slipping his jacket off. It was the sexiest and most frightening thing Hikaru had ever seen him do.
"I want us to be naked," Touya said, beginning to take off his shirt. Hikaru really did think he might faint at that, but he nodded, walking over to the futon and sitting down before pulling off his pyjamas top. Arranging the bedclothes over his waist, he laid down, slipping off the pyjamas bottoms and placing both garments beside the bed, within reach. Then he laid down, pulling the bedclothes up to his chin, his gaze on Touya.
His rival was undressing slowly, systematically, pausing to fold his clothes every step of the way. Hikaru stared, wondering if he ought to be ashamed of himself for doing so. His eyes were adjusting to the darkness of the room, and followed the shape of sinewy muscles and sharp bones. Touya was very thin, without a lot of muscle, and the moonlight created dark hollows under his shoulder blades and along his throat. Hikaru was so hard it was painful, and if this slow undressing went on for very much longer, he might come just from looking.
He closed his eyes, trying to think of unsexy things. Kuwabara. Kuwabara having sex with Morishita-sensei. He shuddered, and opened his eyes again, to find that Touya had just taken off his socks and was now working on getting his belt open. Hikaru whimpered, the sound loud in the silence, and Touya looked over at him.
"Come to bed," Hikaru whispered, not caring that he was pleading. Touya paused for a moment, then nodded, pushing his trousers and underpants down in one abrupt movement, stepping out of them and leaving them on the floor, walking over to the futon. It happened so quickly that he was under the covers before Hikaru had time to get a proper look at him, and he was left with a confused impression of an extra-dark pool of shadows and reflected moonlight. He hadn't even been able to tell if Touya was aroused or not.
They both held still for a moment, to give each other the chance to escape, or to give themselves the chance to think of something that might stop what they were doing, that might enable them to pretend this had never happened. Then they turned onto their sides and inched closer, until they were facing each other, a few centimetres of space between them. Touya's eyes seemed huge and very dark, and Hikaru couldn't make out his expression.
Wetting his lips nervously, he reached out, brushing fingertips over Touya's chest. That seemed to be enough, and Touya reached for him, pressing against him, their bodies suddenly rammed hard against each other. Hikaru gasped at the shock of naked skin against his own, and clutched at Touya's shoulders.
Touya was aroused. Very aroused. Hikaru barely had time to wonder what he was supposed to do next before his body took over, moving against Touya, who responded in kind. It was messier and more urgent than last time, and there were sounds: grunts of effort, sharp sudden gasps, and small desperate keening noises as their need grew out of control.
At some point, they somehow lost their balance, and Hikaru ended up on his back, with Touya on top of him. But by then, it was far too late to stop, and Touya was grinding down hard against him, his head lifted and his gaze on Hikaru. His face was framed by curtains of soft hair, and his lips were parted, and his hips were warm and naked under Hikaru's hands, and he kept looking at him, and he was the most beautiful thing Hikaru had ever seen, and suddenly the world exploded in a shower of sparks and desperate gasping for breath.
When the ground stopped spinning, he opened his eyes again. Touya was slumped against him, still mostly on top of him, and there was dampness between their bodies: some of it sweat, some of it come. He closed his eyes, trying to understand that some of that come was Touya's. On his skin, on his body. He tensed, flashes of something that felt like arousal shivering along his spine.
He wanted more. He wanted more right now. Holding Touya close, he rolled onto his side, then stroked his arm. His palm, or Touya's arm, was slightly damp with sweat. Touya looked up, and this time it was possible to make out an expression. He looked quizzical.
"Again," Hikaru explained, pressing closer, sliding his hands along Touya's back.
"Yes."
There were hands, this time. They embraced, their arms around each other, and ran their palms up and down backs and arms. Anywhere else was too intimate, too dangerous, though Hikaru did make sure to press his face against Touya's throat, resting his lips against his collarbone. The build-up of arousal and need was slower, now, and he had time to understand what was happening, almost had time to panic. But Touya was moving against him again, in slow ripples, a gentle ebb and flow that was both soothing and exciting.
Feeling rather daring, he lifted his head, watching Touya's face for a moment, before deliberately glancing down at their bodies, at the way their skin glistened in the cold light. Touya exhaled, sharply, sounding out of breath and somehow close to laughter, though not the amused kind of laughter. Hikaru looked back at him, meeting his eyes, acutely conscious that he, too, was moving, was rubbing himself against his rival's naked body.
He leaned forward, resting his forehead against Touya's, their sweat mingling. Touya's eyes were open and looking straight at him, and Hikaru didn't look away. Touya was breathing quickly, his lips parted again, his every exhalation hot against Hikaru's face. This was too good, there was no way anything could be this good, it couldn't be legal. Hikaru's eyes flickered, and he bit his lip, forcing himself not to moan.
"Can I -" Touya's voice was hoarse, and he stopped, clearing his throat. Hikaru focused his gaze on him again, and Touya swallowed, audibly. "Can I touch you?" He already was, his hands were clutching at Hikaru's back, but Hikaru understood what he meant. He nodded, looking away.
A hand slid between their bodies and wrapped around Hikaru's erection. He closed his eyes, hiding his head under Touya's chin as the hand began to move. It felt... he wasn't sure how it felt, only that it was different from everything ever, and that the world would end if Touya stopped.
"Let me see you." Touya's voice was shaking. "Let me see your face."
"Only if I can touch you, too," he mumbled, astounded that he was able to string a sentence together. There was a pause, and for a dreadful moment, he thought Touya might refuse, and oh gods, he'd never live that down.
"Okay." It took a while for it to sink in that permission had been given, that he could, and then he reached down, fumbling for Touya's arousal, grasping it clumsily, a move that made both of them gasp. Adjusting his grip, he tried to move his hand, finding the angle difficult. When he lifted his head, to keep his part of the bargain, Touya's eyes had closed.
Touya was longer than Hikaru, but not as thick. This fact registered clinically, calmly, and then it hit him that this was really real, that they were really doing this, and then all calm was lost. He gasped, moving his hand faster, pressing into Touya's touch. The backs of their hands collided, Touya apologised, or something, and then there was warm wetness in Hikaru's hand, and he couldn't quite believe this was happening, and he closed his eyes and keened as he came, aware that Touya's hand stayed tight around him through his release.
They were silent for a long time afterwards, the sounds from the garden drifting in and mingling with the sound of their breathing, their skin gradually cooling in the night air. After a while, Touya reached for the bedclothes and pulled it over them, then moved, assuming his usual sleeping position, one arm around Hikaru's waist. Hikaru leaned against him, following his example and settling down for the night.
When he woke up, Touya was standing in the brilliant moonlight, naked, sliding the door shut. The room was cold, but Hikaru regretted the loss of the scents and sounds from the garden.
"What time is it?" he asked, more to show that he was awake than from any real desire to know.
"Just after midnight," Touya said, looking over his shoulder at him.
"Oh." He'd had sex with Touya. Shindou Hikaru had had sex with his rival, Touya Akira. It was incomprehensible. "Hey, Touya, let's play a game."
Touya nodded, without hesitation, and picked up the Go board, carrying it back to bed. Nigiri: Touya played first. Hikaru pulled some bedclothes around himself, from the need for warmth more than out of a sense of modesty, and Touya did the same.
They played in silence, concentrating on the game. It was a good one, maybe the best they had ever played: the game flowed back and forth between them, the control never constant, the lead always held briefly before the other caught up. Touya won, but conceded he would not have been able to maintain the lead had the game lasted longer.
"Man, I really thought I'd got you with that nobi," Hikaru sighed, pointing. He should have known Touya would dodge that, easily.
"It might have worked if you'd been wanking me at the time," Touya replied, very calmly, beginning to clear the stones off the board. Hikaru gulped, and stared. Had he really said that? Touya, dumping the last of the black stones back into its container, met his eyes squarely, his face expressionless.
"I," Hikaru began, and then shook his head, clearing off his stones, wondering if blushes were visible in moonlight.
"Do you want another round now, or should we wait until the morning?" It was clear Touya wasn't talking about Go.
"Now," Hikaru whispered, not needing to think about it.
They moved the Go board to the side of the futon, then untangled the bedclothes before pushing them aside.
It was more aggressive this time, much more aggressive. Because, Hikaru reflected, as Touya grabbed his balls and kneaded them, it was all right. They had established, somehow, that it was all right to touch, and to be noisy. He squeezed Touya's buttocks with only the briefest of hesitations, and he didn't try to hold back the groan that rose in his throat as both of Touya's hands were suddenly working over him. He came quickly, but rather than allow himself to feel embarrassed, he pushed Touya, hard, until he was lying on his back.
Sitting up, Hikaru felt out of breath and scared and wonderful, and he flung one leg over Touya, sitting astride him, reaching down and beginning to masturbate him with both hands, mimicking the motions his rival had used on him. Underneath him, Touya gasped and twitched and clung to the bedlinen with both hands, then threw his head back and cried out as he came, his body arching up towards Hikaru.
His heart still pumping hard, Hikaru laid down, pulling the bedclothes over them again and settling down in their habitual sleeping position, his eyes open. He was having sex with Touya. That first time, the one that had started as a joke, he'd been able to explain away, somehow, or ignore. But not this. The sight of Touya's naked body as he came, the sounds he made, and the smell of his come, were not things he could forget. And he didn't want to, either.
Touya opened his eyes and turned his head, looking at him. The eye contact was reassuring, in its way, and Hikaru held it until Touya blinked tiredly, and yawned.
"I think we should go back to sleep," he said, looking suddenly like a tired child.
"Yeah. Goodnight."
"Goodnight."
*
Morning came in the form of a ringing phone. Hikaru muttered and cursed, and sat up in time to see a still very naked Touya leave the bedroom at a run. He yawned, listening to the conversation with half an ear, hearing nothing but very polite phrases. He glanced at the clock: 8:15. They'd forgotten to set it. Luckily, he didn't have to be anywhere until twelve, at which point there was yet another preliminaries match.
There was a click, and then Touya returned. Hikaru stared at him, his curiosity finally satisfied in the sharp light of day, conscious that it was probably rude to look so openly, yet unable to glance away.
"My parents are coming back this afternoon," Touya said, leaning against the door frame and crossing his arms over his chest, seemingly not noticing his own nudity. He was half-hard: before his parents rang, he'd probably been fully erect. Hikaru licked his lips, then blinked repeatedly as he processed what Touya had said.
"Wait, today?"
"Yeah. Sorry. They tend to give me very short notice, because it depends on when my father gets a few days off."
"Oh." Fuck. He frowned. "Well, how long are they staying?"
"They didn't say. They've never been home more than a few weeks, though..."
"Oh."
"I'm sorry. They'll be arriving at around five. Do you have to be anywhere today?"
"Yeah, Ouza preliminaries."
"Shit." Hikaru blinked: Touya didn't often curse, but it felt strangely fitting today. "Do we have time for another round before you have to go?" Always that direct stare: it sent a warm glow of love and lust into Hikaru's stomach, and he smiled.
"Sure."
Touya pushed himself off the door frame and walked towards him, and Hikaru allowed himself the luxury of looking openly, of not hiding his interest. Since this was going to be the last time for however long Touya Meijin elected to grace Japan with his presence, and since he might as well make the occasion one worth remembering, Hikaru pushed the bedclothes down, letting Touya see his nakedness. The expression on his rival's face made it worth it.
*
"What the hell is the matter with you?"
"Huh?"
Waya was glaring at him, taking a bite out of his hamburger as though it had personally offended him, and swallowed it down with a large gulp of Coke.
"I overheard that guy, the one you beat in the Tengen prelims, taking about you. He said you were playing like you weren't focusing on the game at all. And yet you still beat him!" Waya paused, frowning. "Ripped him apart, actually. But since then, I've noticed how you're acting, and he was right, you know. You're completely distracted. What's wrong?"
"I'm doing well enough, aren't I?" He was, wasn't he? He hadn't really been paying attention, but he seemed to be on a winning streak, lately.
"You are. That's why I haven't asked you about it before. It's not like that time you skipped all your matches." Waya watched him with a frown, eating slowly. "But you're completely out of it, you know. Seriously, what's wrong?"
Hikaru glanced down at his hands, then picked up his own Coke to give himself something to do. Sloshing the liquid around inside the cup, he stared down into it, his mind oddly blank.
"I think I'm in love with Touya," he heard himself say. He frowned, realisation dawning that he'd probably said too much again, but that it was too late to undo it. He looked up to find Waya staring at him, mouth hanging open, half-eaten hamburger dangling from his lower lip. "Waya, that's really disgusting."
Waya swallowed, stared, and then burst into laughter. He laughed so loudly and so long that every person in the restaurant turned to stare at them, and Hikaru sighed, waiting for him to finish.
"What's so funny?" It was Isumi, arriving late, sitting down and looking at the two of them. "Or wait, don't tell me before I get my lunch." He got up again and headed for the counter while Waya wiped his eyes, his shoulders still shaking. Hikaru sighed and continued eating, suspecting that the full force of what he'd just said would hit him later.
But Touya Meijin had been home for ten days, was showing no signs of leaving, and Hikaru was climbing the walls with frustration. Sure, he met Touya nearly every day in the Go salon. But they couldn't touch, let alone have sex. Or even a frank discussion. There were times - when Touya's eyes met his, silently, over the Go board, or when his leg brushed against Hikaru's under the table - that Hikaru thought he might one day embarrass himself utterly, beyond redemption, by coming in his pants, right there in the salon.
Isumi returned to the table and sat down, carrying a tray with his lunch.
"Well, what's the joke?" he asked, glancing between them.
"I told Waya I think I'm in love with Touya," Hikaru said, quietly, and Waya started laughing again, sobbing with mirth. Isumi didn't laugh. He glanced over at Hikaru, his expression thoughtful, and nodded.
"I see," he said, lifting his hamburger to his lips and beginning to eat.
"Isumi-san, he's not serious," Waya cackled, looking exhausted with laughter, his face red.
"Yes," Hikaru replied, sipping his drink and regretting he'd ever answered Waya's question. "I am."
Waya abruptly stopped laughing, and his expression changed into one of horror. Glancing between Isumi and Hikaru, he drew a couple of deep shaky breaths, his body still in laughing mode.
"Wh- Serious? You're actually serious?"
"Waya, stop sounding so disbelieving." It was Isumi, his voice and expression tired. "Sometimes people fall in love with other people, you know."
"Yeah, but- Touya's... Shindou, you like guys?"
Hikaru shrugged, picking at the lettuce leaf sticking limply out of what remained of his hamburger.
"Don't know about that," he said, "I like Touya, that's all."
"I wouldn't have thought that of you," Waya said, sitting up, his back very straight. "I mean, you're not... You don't look like.... I mean, you're not like that."
"Waya, shut up." Isumi was sounding unexpectedly exasperated. "Stop saying stupid things."
"You can normally tell, though, can't you?" Waya said, glaring defensively at Isumi. "I mean, it's kinda obvious, sometimes. You know. Those sort of men, they're..."
"Waya, shut up," Isumi said, "It's not like that at all! You can't tell who people are attracted to just by looking at them."
"Well!" Waya sat back again, frowning. "Well, does Touya know?"
"I haven't told him, if that's what you mean."
"Well, then, you should," Waya said, his tone bracing and decided. "You should confess to him."
"No, you shouldn't," Isumi interrupted, sounding alarmed, "Not unless you're sure of his feelings."
Waya stared at Isumi, genuine surprise in his face, and Hikaru finished his meal, wondering what was going on.
"What's the matter with you, Isumi-san? I wouldn't have thought you would ever promote cowardly tactics."
"Feelings aren't a game, Waya! Sometimes, it's better to just stick with friendship unless you're sure your feelings are being returned. Because you might not want to lose a friend just because... I mean, say if I confessed to you, judging by the way you reacted to what Shindou was saying, you've just proved you'd panic and no longer be my friend, right? Sometimes, it's better to stick with what you know."
Hikaru finished his drink in two gulps and got to his feet. The atmosphere was suddenly thick with complicated and painful things, and he wanted no part in them. Especially because Waya and Isumi were staring at each other in a way that rather suggested they had forgotten Hikaru was there.
"See you later," he said, loudly and clearly, and ran out of the restaurant.
*
The matches of the day were finally over, and he took the train to the Go salon, thinking over what Waya had said. Tell Touya he was in love with him? No. He didn't even need to consider it. And it wasn't just because he was afraid, either. Mostly, it was because he wasn't sure if he was, in fact, in love with Touya.
Touya was his rival. And his sort-of friend. Touya was Touya, an absolute presence, a defining cornerstone in his existence. In fact, now that he thought about it, Touya was probably the most important person in his life. He bit his lip, looking out of the window, trying to work it out in his head.
He loved Touya. He had no reservations about that. He loved him, and had already told him as much. Emerging from the train, he walked up the stairs, then headed towards the Go salon, still deep in thought. Touya, and Go, was what his life was. But he wasn't sure he was in love with Touya any more than he was in love with Go stones.
"Good evening, Shindou-kun!" It was Ichikawa-san, breaking in on his thoughts with her habitual cheerfulness.
"Good evening," he said, taking off his bag and handing it to her. "Is Touya here?"
"He's in the back, waiting for you."
Hikaru nodded and left her desk, heading towards their usual table. Touya looked up as he approached, and his gaze hit Hikaru's libido like a hammer. He was going to go insane if Touya Meijin didn't get the hell back to China soon.
Touya got to his feet and walked up to Hikaru as he approached, leaning in towards him, speaking softly.
"I'm going to the toilet," he said. It wasn't the sexiest of greetings, but Hikaru swallowed and nodded, turning to go with him. Touya, unsurprised, led the way.
*
"When is your father leaving? Seriously. I'm... I really miss you."
"I know. It's what I wanted to talk to you about." Touya was leaning against him, his voice slightly muffled because his mouth was pressed to Hikaru's neck. They had their arms around each other, their bodies were pressed hard against each other, and it still wasn't enough, because you couldn't have sex in a public toilet in a Go salon.
Hikaru tightened his grip, hugging him harder, desperate for as much contact as possible.
"What did you want to talk about?"
"Shindou. I've... been looking for information on the internet. There's... We can go somewhere. I have money."
"Somewhere? You mean..." His voice trailed off, and he blushed, not quite knowing what to say.
"Nobody would know. The place I've found has multiple entrance doors, even, so we could go in separately if you're scared of being seen."
"It's not that. It's... I mean, we're under-age. And, well. You're male and so am I. Wouldn't they stop us?"
"I already thought of that. The place I found doesn't have a reception. You pay and get the key and everything at a machine. Sort of like the ticket machines at the railway station."
"Oh." He couldn't deny the sense of utter embarrassment at the thought, but then again: sex. "Okay."
Touya broke away, nodding, then opened the door and headed towards the exit. Ichikawa-san seemed rather surprised and slightly disappointed to see them leave, but handed them their bags with good cheer, wishing them a good night. Hikaru nodded at her, smiled nervously, and followed Touya out of the door.
The trip to the love hotel was spent in silence. Touya wasn't looking at him; his head was tilted slightly forward, and his eyes were unfocused, his expression contemplative, withdrawn. He looked like he, too, was trying to work something out. Hikaru fell into step behind him as they left the train and walked through the streets, since Touya was the one who knew the address, after all.
"It's here." Touya paused at some traffic lights, glancing up at the building across the street. Hikaru followed his gaze: the place looked much like any building, really. He'd expected something a lot more sordid. But this was just a plain, simple building, like any of the ones he walked past every day on his way to the institute. It was a strangely thrilling thought. When the lights changed, he crossed the street quickly, tension beginning to curl in his stomach and his crotch. He remained silent as Touya led them inside and paused in front of something that did indeed look a lot like a ticket machine.
He didn't interrupt Touya as he pressed the buttons and made the payment: he wanted to get out of the foyer as soon as possible. He had no desire whatsoever to meet any other customers. There was a clink, and then Touya was picking up change and a plastic key card from a slot, turning towards him.
"Room 314," he said, sounding tense, as though he were challenging a particularly difficult opponent to a match. Hikaru nodded, and looked around: there was a lift. They headed to it in silence, pressed the button to the third floor, and Hikaru spent the short trip looking down at his shoes. They were scruffy: dusty and worn and with grey laces. Little-boy shoes. Not the kind of shoes people who had secret trysts in sleazy hotels wore.
The room just looked like an ordinary hotel room, with one or two differences: there was no window, and there were things on the night stand that Hikaru had no intention of inspecting. He kicked off his shoes and walked into the room hesitantly, sitting down on the bed because he couldn't think of what else to do.
"I thought these places were supposed to have lots of, I dunno, porn on the walls, or something," he said.
"The expensive ones do," Touya replied, taking off his jacked and hanging it carefully on a hanger, then pulling off his tie. Hikaru swallowed. "This place is cheap. I can afford to pay for us to go several times, if you want."
"Oh." Touya was actually earning money, wasn't he? Hikaru's main source of income was still his allowance. "How long have we got?"
"I paid for three hours," Touya said. "That's until ten thirty or so. I have to go home by then, anyway."
"Okay." Three hours. Three hours of touching... Touya was taking off his shirt, and Hikaru blinked, swallowed again, and looked away. He was already hard, and they were doing this, apparently, they were really going to do it. He pulled off his jacket and t-shirt and threw them on the floor, then stood up to pull down his trousers, getting rid of his socks and underpants with the same motion.
Touya was looking at him openly, still wearing his trousers. Hikaru blushed, but didn't look away, glaring at him in defiance.
"You're really beautiful," Touya said, glancing away and pulling down his trousers, pausing to hang them neatly before he took off his underpants and socks.
"Oh," Hikaru said, disarmed and afraid, and he walked over to Touya, reaching out, feeling naked flesh under his hand. Touya stilled, closing his eyes, and Hikaru wondered if he'd done something wrong.
"Touch me," Touya whispered, without opening his eyes.
"Oh," Hikaru said again, shakily, and he moved his hand, sliding it slowly along an arm. He stepped closer, not yet bringing their bodies into contact, his hand travelling slowly over Touya's back and down to his buttocks. Taking a deep mental breath, he slid his hand down further, following the curve of them, and Touya's lips parted. He was getting aroused, Hikaru could see it, and it felt like an earthquake or a volcanic eruption: something entirely outside his control, something that was overwhelming and frightening.
He moved his hand to stroke Touya's chest, exploring it slowly, following the lines and planes of his body. He took his time, yet he was heading ever downwards, and in the end he couldn't avoid it, even if he allowed himself a brief detour to stroke the top of Touya's thighs. Shivering, he reached for his erection, stroking it with the same steady touch that he'd used everywhere else on Touya's body, and Touya sighed, or grunted, and his head tilted backwards, exposing his throat. Hikaru wanted to kiss it. He didn't.
He did, however, begin to masturbate Touya, hoping it was okay to do so. Touya sighed again, and turned to him, wrapping both arms around his neck and leaning against him, resting his forehead on Hikaru's shoulder. This meant Hikaru could use both hands, so he did, wondering if they were really going to have sex standing up, when there was a bed not five meters away.
Touya's breathing hitched, and he moved his hips in slow motion, pressing into Hikaru's hands. He made a small, soft sound, almost exactly like the ones he'd made that first time, the time he'd been aroused in his sleep.
"Can I come like this?" he breathed, not lifting his head from Hikaru's shoulder. "Is it okay?"
"Sure." Evidently, they were going to have sex standing up. Hikaru closed his eyes, concentrating on what his hands were doing, allowing himself to dwell on the feeling of Touya's hard flesh and soft skin. He felt hot and heavy against his fingers, and Hikaru bit his lip, hard, as soon as he felt the first wetness, the drops of precome smearing themselves over his hands.
Touya's grip on him had tightened, his arms were rigid around Hikaru's neck. His body was tense, small tremors running through him, and he was panting, damply, against Hikaru's shoulder.
"I," he whispered, "I am, I, I, oh..."
He gasped, his body stilling completely, and he came into Hikaru's hands. Then he trembled again, and took a step closer, humming in obvious exhaustion and leaning heavily against him, his desperate grip on him changing into an embrace. Hikaru slid his arms around Touya's back, holding him, and trying to remember how to breathe.
"I'll take care of you in a moment, all right?" Touya murmured, pressing his hips forward against Hikaru's erection, and Hikaru nodded, overwhelmed.
*
"Hey, Shindou, do you have a minute?"
The study session with Morishita-sensei was over, and Waya came up to him, looking thoroughly uncomfortable and awkward.
Touya was playing a game in Hokkaido, of all places, and there would be no hotel visits today, so Hikaru nodded. Waya rubbed at his hair, seemingly unable to say anything.
"Let's go get something to eat, or something, okay? Ramen. You like ramen."
Hikaru shrugged, allowing himself to be pulled to the nearest shop. His taste for ramen seemed to have waned, a little, the last year or so, like his taste for other things he'd liked as a child, but it wasn't as though he actively disliked it. They were served with impressive speed, and Hikaru fell on his food, eating it quickly, while Waya picked at his.
"Listen," he said, eventually, obviously pulling himself together. "I'm sorry about the way I reacted. I just... thought it was a joke. I mean, Touya..." He stopped, probably realising that it wasn't a good idea to criticise Hikaru's tastes, and ate half a bowl of ramen in one gulp.
"Is that why you wanted to talk to me?" Hikaru asked, setting his empty bowl down. "'Cos it's okay, really."
"No, I... there's more." Waya stared unhappily down into his bowl, then got to his feet with a sigh. "Listen, let's go somewhere we can talk in private. The park, or something."
They paid and left, and walked to the park as dusk was falling. The place was nearly empty, but they still kept walking, because Waya didn't want anyone to overhear them.
"We had a really long talk after you left," he said, looking troubled. "I mean, Isumi-san and I. And... I can't tell you what he said, he made me promise not to tell anyone. But man, I need help."
"He confessed he was in love with you, didn't he?"
"You know I can't answer that, Shindou!"
"Yeah. But what do you need help with?"
"I..." Waya looked utterly confused, and Hikaru felt a bit sorry for him.
"Just tell me, okay? I won't laugh like you did."
Waya sighed, dragging two hands through his hair, then shook himself, looking directly at Hikaru.
"All right. I'll just tell you. If you laugh, I won't ever forgive you, get it?"
Hikaru nodded, caught between the desire to laugh at Waya's defensiveness and the desire to reassure him. Waya sighed again, clearly gathering his thoughts.
"When I walk down the streets, I look at girls," he began, in chairman tones, summing up. "When I see a girl in a short skirt or a low top, I get a hard-on. When I wank, I think of girls. You know? It's always been like that. I've never looked at guys like that. I'm not like that."
He paused, and Hikaru was silent, recognising there was more on the way.
"Isumi-san's my friend. We've been friends for years. I really like him and respect him, he's an incredibly good player, and he's a good person." Waya paused again, yanking at his hair again; his hairstyle was beginning to look like Einstein's on a bad day. "But after he co- after we talked, I..."
"Don't let him down," Hikaru said, his stomach twisting. "Just because he likes you, you shouldn't stop being his friend."
"No! That's not it! Shindou, I'm..." Waya looked utterly tortured, torn by conflicting emotions, his face showing honest pain. "Shindou, I'm curious."
Oh. Well that was hard to respond to. He opened his mouth and closed it a couple of times, trying to think of something constructive to say.
"Curious in what way?" he finally asked, feebly.
"As to how it would feel," Waya said, "Doing stuff. With him."
"Well... tell him?"
"No! You don't get it! I can't! Shindou, I am not like that. Really I'm not. I'm just not. But whenever I see Isumi-san now, I can't stop thinking about it, there's this huge elephant in the room, and everything's horribly awkward, and..." he stopped, drawing a deep breath.
"Well, if you're curious, and Isumi likes you, why not just give it a try?" Hikaru asked, stunned that he was giving relationship advice to two of his best friends.
"You really don't get it, do you?" Waya said, exasperated. "I can't do that. I can't just use Isumi-san like that, to satisfy my own curiosity! He cares about me..." He bit his lip, probably realising he'd admitted something he shouldn't, but Hikaru frowned, trying to think.
"You still need to tell him," he decided. "Tell him why you're acting the way you are. Because if you don't, he'll think it's because of his confession, and that he's lost your friendship."
"Oh." Waya had obviously not thought of that.
"You owe him that much, after his honesty to you," Hikaru said. Waya nodded, reluctantly. Drawing a deep breath, he closed his eyes for a moment, then straightened up, taking out his phone.
"Listen, I know I don't deserve this after I was going on about cowardice and so on, but could you stay here while I talk to him?"
"Sure. Why?"
"I'll probably chicken out if you're not here to spur me on."
Hikaru nodded, sitting down on a bench while Waya pressed 1 on his phone - it seemed Isumi was on speed dial.
"Isumi-san? It's Waya." A pause, and then. "Yeah. I was thinking I owe you an explanation... No, no, it's not like that. Listen..." He paused again, drawing a hand shakily through his hair, closing his eyes. "Listen, it's... after you talked to me about it, I kinda keep thinking about it, and, and, well. I've wondered what it would be like to do it with you, and... No, you idiot. Sex." There was a brief pause, but this time, Hikaru was fairly sure, nothing was being said on the other end. "It's like this. I'm not... I'm not in love with you, or anything, but I've felt really awkward because I was wondering about the sex thing, and I couldn't talk to you about it because you'd misunderstand and think I was interested, and what?"
The briefest of pauses, and then: "No, we can't! You'd get hurt, because... Oh." Waya blushed, and glared at Hikaru, evidently because he was listening in. "Wait a minute," he said, running a few steps away. When he spoke, Hikaru could still hear him, but he burrowed in his bag, looking for a drink, trying to look innocent. "But what if... I mean, I'd only do it because I wanted to know what it was like, you know?" Hikaru opened his drink, sipping the liquid slowly, trying to edit out what he was hearing. "Okay. I can be there in twenty minutes."
Waya returned, pocketing his phone, looking absolutely stunned. Hikaru watched him owlishly, wishing his friends would stop being weird, and lifted his bag, flinging it over his shoulder.
"What did he say to you?"
"He said if sex hurt, we were probably doing it wrong," Waya said, his voice distant. Then he pulled himself together, visibly. "Right, eh. I gotta go. Thanks for all your help." He set off without waiting for an answer, leaving the park at a run.
"Have fun," Hikaru called after him, not very loud.
*
"Hello?"
"Touya. It's me."
"Shindou. Hi."
"Hi." Pause. Great. Awkward. He turned out the lights and sat down on his bed, wishing he had thought of an excuse for calling. "How did the match go?" There, that was safe enough.
"I won."
"Of course."
"Why are you calling?"
"..."
"Not that I don't like it, you just haven't called me like this before."
"...I'm at home. I have to speak kinda softly. My parents went to bed a few minutes ago."
"Sure."
"You'll be back tomorrow night, right?"
"Yeah. Late. We can meet the day after tomorrow."
"Yeah." A pause, as Hikaru thought of what kind of meeting it would be. Judging by the compact silence on the other end, Touya was thinking along the same lines. "The same hotel?"
"Unless you have an alternative."
"Not really." Neither of them seemed to consider meeting just for a game. He pulled off his trousers and laid down on the bed, still in his underpants and t-shirt. "Where are you now?"
"Hotel room. I'm by the window. There's a view of the bay."
"When're your parents going to leave?"
"Next week, I think. They won't be gone too long, this time, though." Hikaru sighed, and in Hokkaido, Touya sighed as well.
"Wish you were here now." Hikaru mumbled, annoyed that he was sounding like a lovesick girl, but he was missing Touya so much his chest was aching.
"Likewise."
"Hey, Touya," Hikaru began, hearing the nervousness in his voice. He paused, his pulse beating painfully in his throat.
"What?"
"Uhm. Take off your clothes. And go to bed."
There was a very long silence at the other end, and then there was a rustling sound. Hikaru heard a click - the lights being turned out? - and then Touya's voice spoke again, his voice suddenly sounding closer. Maybe he was holding the phone carefully, speaking right into it.
"I'm here."
"Are you naked?" Hikaru's free hand sneaked down into his underpants, and he closed his eyes, pressing the phone to his cheek like a lover.
"Yes."
"I'm not, not entirely. Wait." He stripped, very quickly, then grabbed the phone again, lying down on his side. "I am now." There was breathing, quick breathing, in his ear.
"Are you..." Touya's voice was hesitant, but not afraid. "Are you doing anything?"
"Yeah. I'm, uh. Touching myself." Crap, that was something he hadn't thought of, when he'd fantasised about this. He was actually going to have to describe what he was doing.
"So am I." It took a moment for the words to register, and then Hikaru eyes opened and he gasped, thinking about it, about Touya in bed in a hotel room in Hokkaido, talking to him as he...
"How?" he asked, unable to hide the breathless eagerness in his voice.
"I'm, I'm lying on my back. And I've bent my legs, and... how are you doing it?"
"On my side, curled up." He hesitated, but Touya's voice and breath was in his ear, and he was speaking very softly and secretly to him, and nobody else would ever know. "That's how I prefer to do it," he whispered. "I almost always do it like this. You?"
"I almost always do it on my back, like this. I can use both hands comfortably, then."
"You can't do that now, right? With the phone..."
"Yes, actually. Handsfree kit."
"Oh." He bit his lip, arousal making it hard to think. "Tell me," he whispered, breathless. "Tell me what you're doing. With your hands."
"I'm... you tell me what you're doing."
"Just wanking." It felt good to say it, for some reason. "Wanking, and thinking of you doing the same thing."
"Me too." More breathing. Touya felt close, connected, and he was touching himself right now, thinking of Hikaru...
"When you come," Hikaru whispered, "Please let me hear you? Don't hold back."
"You too."
"Can't. Parents."
"Oh. Okay."
"Will you? Please?"
"...Sure."
"Thanks." I think I'm in love with you. "I'm, I'm close. Fuck, Touya, it feels good."
"Yes." The voice in his ear was breathless, a little hoarse; Hikaru could hear the approaching orgasm.
"I... Touya, there's something I want to do to you," he said, wanking harder, hearing the fear and the lust in his own voice. "I want to go down on you. With my mouth, I mean. Lick you. And that."
"Sh-shindou!" There was a soft sob, followed by a moan; it was clear Touya was past coherency.
"I mean it." His hand was moving so fast it was probably a blur, and he panted into the phone, trying to talk rather than stutter. "I'm not just s-saying it to get you off. I mean it, I want to s-suck a-and... Next time. The day after tomorrow. I-"
There was a loud gasp in his ear, and then a series of sounds that made Hikaru whimper, curl in on himself, and come. Touya had kept his promise, he hadn't held back at all. A silence followed, as they both tried to catch their breath.
"Did you really mean that?"
"Yeah." More silence.
"I look forward to it."
"Me too." At least, he thought he did.
"I'm going to spend tomorrow morning thinking about that rather than the Meijin league match I'm supposed to be playing."
"Sorry."
"It's fine. It's not like you're going to spend the Kisei prelims thinking about anything else, either."
"Touya?"
"Mm?"
"...Nothing."
Part three.
He got a curry out of the freezer and threw it in the microwave, then paced the house as he waited for it to defrost. He ate dinner, placed the plate in the dishwasher, then paced the house a bit more. He got the futon out and the bedclothes, then paced the house, and it was still only a quarter to eight. Then, reflecting that he was still in his day clothes, he changed into a pyjamas, and paced the house. Deciding that he probably stank after his not particularly strenuous day, he had a shower, dried himself, put on the pyjamas again and paced. Quarter to nine.
Exhaling nervously, and deciding that the reason he couldn't breathe properly was because it was too stuffy in the house, he stepped out into the garden.
Even in his state of heightened tension, he was aware it was a very nice garden. There was a full moon, and the plants and water features were thrown into sharp relief, the night air rich with fragrance. He tried to walk slowly and to let the serenity of it sink in and soothe him. It didn't work.
The minutes crawled, and he criss-crossed the garden several times, feeling oddly trapped. Finally, at ten minutes past nine, there was the sound of the gate, and he ran towards the house corner, rounding it just as Touya was getting out his key.
"Shindou! What are you doing? And why are you wearing slippers?"
Hikaru glanced down, discovering that he had indeed been walking around the garden in the house slippers. Thankfully, he was spared the necessity of a reply when Touya pocketed his key and walked towards him, looking at him with his usual direct gaze. Hikaru didn't think he could have said anything at all to save his life.
"Let's get inside," Touya said, taking his hand and leading the way back to the bedroom. Hikaru's legs kept wanting to shake, but he forced himself to walk normally, his grip on Touya's hand damp and slippery. His nervousness didn't seem to have any effect on his rival, who walked serenely beside him. The bedroom door, when they got to it, seemed like a dark cavern, a threatening and unpredictable place.
Hikaru kicked off the slippers and entered the room barefoot, wondering if he was going to faint. It would solve a lot of things, probably.
"You got out the futon already?"
"Yeah."
"Oh."
Time seemed to stretch, and the silence to thicken. The room was very dark, despite the full moon outside. Touya wasn't looking at him, his head was bowed slightly, his clean profile impassive, inscrutable.
"You mean you want to..." he began, and Hikaru swallowed.
"Yes," he said, getting it over with, and Touya looked at him. Then he nodded, looking away again, and put his bag on the floor before slipping his jacket off. It was the sexiest and most frightening thing Hikaru had ever seen him do.
"I want us to be naked," Touya said, beginning to take off his shirt. Hikaru really did think he might faint at that, but he nodded, walking over to the futon and sitting down before pulling off his pyjamas top. Arranging the bedclothes over his waist, he laid down, slipping off the pyjamas bottoms and placing both garments beside the bed, within reach. Then he laid down, pulling the bedclothes up to his chin, his gaze on Touya.
His rival was undressing slowly, systematically, pausing to fold his clothes every step of the way. Hikaru stared, wondering if he ought to be ashamed of himself for doing so. His eyes were adjusting to the darkness of the room, and followed the shape of sinewy muscles and sharp bones. Touya was very thin, without a lot of muscle, and the moonlight created dark hollows under his shoulder blades and along his throat. Hikaru was so hard it was painful, and if this slow undressing went on for very much longer, he might come just from looking.
He closed his eyes, trying to think of unsexy things. Kuwabara. Kuwabara having sex with Morishita-sensei. He shuddered, and opened his eyes again, to find that Touya had just taken off his socks and was now working on getting his belt open. Hikaru whimpered, the sound loud in the silence, and Touya looked over at him.
"Come to bed," Hikaru whispered, not caring that he was pleading. Touya paused for a moment, then nodded, pushing his trousers and underpants down in one abrupt movement, stepping out of them and leaving them on the floor, walking over to the futon. It happened so quickly that he was under the covers before Hikaru had time to get a proper look at him, and he was left with a confused impression of an extra-dark pool of shadows and reflected moonlight. He hadn't even been able to tell if Touya was aroused or not.
They both held still for a moment, to give each other the chance to escape, or to give themselves the chance to think of something that might stop what they were doing, that might enable them to pretend this had never happened. Then they turned onto their sides and inched closer, until they were facing each other, a few centimetres of space between them. Touya's eyes seemed huge and very dark, and Hikaru couldn't make out his expression.
Wetting his lips nervously, he reached out, brushing fingertips over Touya's chest. That seemed to be enough, and Touya reached for him, pressing against him, their bodies suddenly rammed hard against each other. Hikaru gasped at the shock of naked skin against his own, and clutched at Touya's shoulders.
Touya was aroused. Very aroused. Hikaru barely had time to wonder what he was supposed to do next before his body took over, moving against Touya, who responded in kind. It was messier and more urgent than last time, and there were sounds: grunts of effort, sharp sudden gasps, and small desperate keening noises as their need grew out of control.
At some point, they somehow lost their balance, and Hikaru ended up on his back, with Touya on top of him. But by then, it was far too late to stop, and Touya was grinding down hard against him, his head lifted and his gaze on Hikaru. His face was framed by curtains of soft hair, and his lips were parted, and his hips were warm and naked under Hikaru's hands, and he kept looking at him, and he was the most beautiful thing Hikaru had ever seen, and suddenly the world exploded in a shower of sparks and desperate gasping for breath.
When the ground stopped spinning, he opened his eyes again. Touya was slumped against him, still mostly on top of him, and there was dampness between their bodies: some of it sweat, some of it come. He closed his eyes, trying to understand that some of that come was Touya's. On his skin, on his body. He tensed, flashes of something that felt like arousal shivering along his spine.
He wanted more. He wanted more right now. Holding Touya close, he rolled onto his side, then stroked his arm. His palm, or Touya's arm, was slightly damp with sweat. Touya looked up, and this time it was possible to make out an expression. He looked quizzical.
"Again," Hikaru explained, pressing closer, sliding his hands along Touya's back.
"Yes."
There were hands, this time. They embraced, their arms around each other, and ran their palms up and down backs and arms. Anywhere else was too intimate, too dangerous, though Hikaru did make sure to press his face against Touya's throat, resting his lips against his collarbone. The build-up of arousal and need was slower, now, and he had time to understand what was happening, almost had time to panic. But Touya was moving against him again, in slow ripples, a gentle ebb and flow that was both soothing and exciting.
Feeling rather daring, he lifted his head, watching Touya's face for a moment, before deliberately glancing down at their bodies, at the way their skin glistened in the cold light. Touya exhaled, sharply, sounding out of breath and somehow close to laughter, though not the amused kind of laughter. Hikaru looked back at him, meeting his eyes, acutely conscious that he, too, was moving, was rubbing himself against his rival's naked body.
He leaned forward, resting his forehead against Touya's, their sweat mingling. Touya's eyes were open and looking straight at him, and Hikaru didn't look away. Touya was breathing quickly, his lips parted again, his every exhalation hot against Hikaru's face. This was too good, there was no way anything could be this good, it couldn't be legal. Hikaru's eyes flickered, and he bit his lip, forcing himself not to moan.
"Can I -" Touya's voice was hoarse, and he stopped, clearing his throat. Hikaru focused his gaze on him again, and Touya swallowed, audibly. "Can I touch you?" He already was, his hands were clutching at Hikaru's back, but Hikaru understood what he meant. He nodded, looking away.
A hand slid between their bodies and wrapped around Hikaru's erection. He closed his eyes, hiding his head under Touya's chin as the hand began to move. It felt... he wasn't sure how it felt, only that it was different from everything ever, and that the world would end if Touya stopped.
"Let me see you." Touya's voice was shaking. "Let me see your face."
"Only if I can touch you, too," he mumbled, astounded that he was able to string a sentence together. There was a pause, and for a dreadful moment, he thought Touya might refuse, and oh gods, he'd never live that down.
"Okay." It took a while for it to sink in that permission had been given, that he could, and then he reached down, fumbling for Touya's arousal, grasping it clumsily, a move that made both of them gasp. Adjusting his grip, he tried to move his hand, finding the angle difficult. When he lifted his head, to keep his part of the bargain, Touya's eyes had closed.
Touya was longer than Hikaru, but not as thick. This fact registered clinically, calmly, and then it hit him that this was really real, that they were really doing this, and then all calm was lost. He gasped, moving his hand faster, pressing into Touya's touch. The backs of their hands collided, Touya apologised, or something, and then there was warm wetness in Hikaru's hand, and he couldn't quite believe this was happening, and he closed his eyes and keened as he came, aware that Touya's hand stayed tight around him through his release.
They were silent for a long time afterwards, the sounds from the garden drifting in and mingling with the sound of their breathing, their skin gradually cooling in the night air. After a while, Touya reached for the bedclothes and pulled it over them, then moved, assuming his usual sleeping position, one arm around Hikaru's waist. Hikaru leaned against him, following his example and settling down for the night.
When he woke up, Touya was standing in the brilliant moonlight, naked, sliding the door shut. The room was cold, but Hikaru regretted the loss of the scents and sounds from the garden.
"What time is it?" he asked, more to show that he was awake than from any real desire to know.
"Just after midnight," Touya said, looking over his shoulder at him.
"Oh." He'd had sex with Touya. Shindou Hikaru had had sex with his rival, Touya Akira. It was incomprehensible. "Hey, Touya, let's play a game."
Touya nodded, without hesitation, and picked up the Go board, carrying it back to bed. Nigiri: Touya played first. Hikaru pulled some bedclothes around himself, from the need for warmth more than out of a sense of modesty, and Touya did the same.
They played in silence, concentrating on the game. It was a good one, maybe the best they had ever played: the game flowed back and forth between them, the control never constant, the lead always held briefly before the other caught up. Touya won, but conceded he would not have been able to maintain the lead had the game lasted longer.
"Man, I really thought I'd got you with that nobi," Hikaru sighed, pointing. He should have known Touya would dodge that, easily.
"It might have worked if you'd been wanking me at the time," Touya replied, very calmly, beginning to clear the stones off the board. Hikaru gulped, and stared. Had he really said that? Touya, dumping the last of the black stones back into its container, met his eyes squarely, his face expressionless.
"I," Hikaru began, and then shook his head, clearing off his stones, wondering if blushes were visible in moonlight.
"Do you want another round now, or should we wait until the morning?" It was clear Touya wasn't talking about Go.
"Now," Hikaru whispered, not needing to think about it.
They moved the Go board to the side of the futon, then untangled the bedclothes before pushing them aside.
It was more aggressive this time, much more aggressive. Because, Hikaru reflected, as Touya grabbed his balls and kneaded them, it was all right. They had established, somehow, that it was all right to touch, and to be noisy. He squeezed Touya's buttocks with only the briefest of hesitations, and he didn't try to hold back the groan that rose in his throat as both of Touya's hands were suddenly working over him. He came quickly, but rather than allow himself to feel embarrassed, he pushed Touya, hard, until he was lying on his back.
Sitting up, Hikaru felt out of breath and scared and wonderful, and he flung one leg over Touya, sitting astride him, reaching down and beginning to masturbate him with both hands, mimicking the motions his rival had used on him. Underneath him, Touya gasped and twitched and clung to the bedlinen with both hands, then threw his head back and cried out as he came, his body arching up towards Hikaru.
His heart still pumping hard, Hikaru laid down, pulling the bedclothes over them again and settling down in their habitual sleeping position, his eyes open. He was having sex with Touya. That first time, the one that had started as a joke, he'd been able to explain away, somehow, or ignore. But not this. The sight of Touya's naked body as he came, the sounds he made, and the smell of his come, were not things he could forget. And he didn't want to, either.
Touya opened his eyes and turned his head, looking at him. The eye contact was reassuring, in its way, and Hikaru held it until Touya blinked tiredly, and yawned.
"I think we should go back to sleep," he said, looking suddenly like a tired child.
"Yeah. Goodnight."
"Goodnight."
*
Morning came in the form of a ringing phone. Hikaru muttered and cursed, and sat up in time to see a still very naked Touya leave the bedroom at a run. He yawned, listening to the conversation with half an ear, hearing nothing but very polite phrases. He glanced at the clock: 8:15. They'd forgotten to set it. Luckily, he didn't have to be anywhere until twelve, at which point there was yet another preliminaries match.
There was a click, and then Touya returned. Hikaru stared at him, his curiosity finally satisfied in the sharp light of day, conscious that it was probably rude to look so openly, yet unable to glance away.
"My parents are coming back this afternoon," Touya said, leaning against the door frame and crossing his arms over his chest, seemingly not noticing his own nudity. He was half-hard: before his parents rang, he'd probably been fully erect. Hikaru licked his lips, then blinked repeatedly as he processed what Touya had said.
"Wait, today?"
"Yeah. Sorry. They tend to give me very short notice, because it depends on when my father gets a few days off."
"Oh." Fuck. He frowned. "Well, how long are they staying?"
"They didn't say. They've never been home more than a few weeks, though..."
"Oh."
"I'm sorry. They'll be arriving at around five. Do you have to be anywhere today?"
"Yeah, Ouza preliminaries."
"Shit." Hikaru blinked: Touya didn't often curse, but it felt strangely fitting today. "Do we have time for another round before you have to go?" Always that direct stare: it sent a warm glow of love and lust into Hikaru's stomach, and he smiled.
"Sure."
Touya pushed himself off the door frame and walked towards him, and Hikaru allowed himself the luxury of looking openly, of not hiding his interest. Since this was going to be the last time for however long Touya Meijin elected to grace Japan with his presence, and since he might as well make the occasion one worth remembering, Hikaru pushed the bedclothes down, letting Touya see his nakedness. The expression on his rival's face made it worth it.
*
"What the hell is the matter with you?"
"Huh?"
Waya was glaring at him, taking a bite out of his hamburger as though it had personally offended him, and swallowed it down with a large gulp of Coke.
"I overheard that guy, the one you beat in the Tengen prelims, taking about you. He said you were playing like you weren't focusing on the game at all. And yet you still beat him!" Waya paused, frowning. "Ripped him apart, actually. But since then, I've noticed how you're acting, and he was right, you know. You're completely distracted. What's wrong?"
"I'm doing well enough, aren't I?" He was, wasn't he? He hadn't really been paying attention, but he seemed to be on a winning streak, lately.
"You are. That's why I haven't asked you about it before. It's not like that time you skipped all your matches." Waya watched him with a frown, eating slowly. "But you're completely out of it, you know. Seriously, what's wrong?"
Hikaru glanced down at his hands, then picked up his own Coke to give himself something to do. Sloshing the liquid around inside the cup, he stared down into it, his mind oddly blank.
"I think I'm in love with Touya," he heard himself say. He frowned, realisation dawning that he'd probably said too much again, but that it was too late to undo it. He looked up to find Waya staring at him, mouth hanging open, half-eaten hamburger dangling from his lower lip. "Waya, that's really disgusting."
Waya swallowed, stared, and then burst into laughter. He laughed so loudly and so long that every person in the restaurant turned to stare at them, and Hikaru sighed, waiting for him to finish.
"What's so funny?" It was Isumi, arriving late, sitting down and looking at the two of them. "Or wait, don't tell me before I get my lunch." He got up again and headed for the counter while Waya wiped his eyes, his shoulders still shaking. Hikaru sighed and continued eating, suspecting that the full force of what he'd just said would hit him later.
But Touya Meijin had been home for ten days, was showing no signs of leaving, and Hikaru was climbing the walls with frustration. Sure, he met Touya nearly every day in the Go salon. But they couldn't touch, let alone have sex. Or even a frank discussion. There were times - when Touya's eyes met his, silently, over the Go board, or when his leg brushed against Hikaru's under the table - that Hikaru thought he might one day embarrass himself utterly, beyond redemption, by coming in his pants, right there in the salon.
Isumi returned to the table and sat down, carrying a tray with his lunch.
"Well, what's the joke?" he asked, glancing between them.
"I told Waya I think I'm in love with Touya," Hikaru said, quietly, and Waya started laughing again, sobbing with mirth. Isumi didn't laugh. He glanced over at Hikaru, his expression thoughtful, and nodded.
"I see," he said, lifting his hamburger to his lips and beginning to eat.
"Isumi-san, he's not serious," Waya cackled, looking exhausted with laughter, his face red.
"Yes," Hikaru replied, sipping his drink and regretting he'd ever answered Waya's question. "I am."
Waya abruptly stopped laughing, and his expression changed into one of horror. Glancing between Isumi and Hikaru, he drew a couple of deep shaky breaths, his body still in laughing mode.
"Wh- Serious? You're actually serious?"
"Waya, stop sounding so disbelieving." It was Isumi, his voice and expression tired. "Sometimes people fall in love with other people, you know."
"Yeah, but- Touya's... Shindou, you like guys?"
Hikaru shrugged, picking at the lettuce leaf sticking limply out of what remained of his hamburger.
"Don't know about that," he said, "I like Touya, that's all."
"I wouldn't have thought that of you," Waya said, sitting up, his back very straight. "I mean, you're not... You don't look like.... I mean, you're not like that."
"Waya, shut up." Isumi was sounding unexpectedly exasperated. "Stop saying stupid things."
"You can normally tell, though, can't you?" Waya said, glaring defensively at Isumi. "I mean, it's kinda obvious, sometimes. You know. Those sort of men, they're..."
"Waya, shut up," Isumi said, "It's not like that at all! You can't tell who people are attracted to just by looking at them."
"Well!" Waya sat back again, frowning. "Well, does Touya know?"
"I haven't told him, if that's what you mean."
"Well, then, you should," Waya said, his tone bracing and decided. "You should confess to him."
"No, you shouldn't," Isumi interrupted, sounding alarmed, "Not unless you're sure of his feelings."
Waya stared at Isumi, genuine surprise in his face, and Hikaru finished his meal, wondering what was going on.
"What's the matter with you, Isumi-san? I wouldn't have thought you would ever promote cowardly tactics."
"Feelings aren't a game, Waya! Sometimes, it's better to just stick with friendship unless you're sure your feelings are being returned. Because you might not want to lose a friend just because... I mean, say if I confessed to you, judging by the way you reacted to what Shindou was saying, you've just proved you'd panic and no longer be my friend, right? Sometimes, it's better to stick with what you know."
Hikaru finished his drink in two gulps and got to his feet. The atmosphere was suddenly thick with complicated and painful things, and he wanted no part in them. Especially because Waya and Isumi were staring at each other in a way that rather suggested they had forgotten Hikaru was there.
"See you later," he said, loudly and clearly, and ran out of the restaurant.
*
The matches of the day were finally over, and he took the train to the Go salon, thinking over what Waya had said. Tell Touya he was in love with him? No. He didn't even need to consider it. And it wasn't just because he was afraid, either. Mostly, it was because he wasn't sure if he was, in fact, in love with Touya.
Touya was his rival. And his sort-of friend. Touya was Touya, an absolute presence, a defining cornerstone in his existence. In fact, now that he thought about it, Touya was probably the most important person in his life. He bit his lip, looking out of the window, trying to work it out in his head.
He loved Touya. He had no reservations about that. He loved him, and had already told him as much. Emerging from the train, he walked up the stairs, then headed towards the Go salon, still deep in thought. Touya, and Go, was what his life was. But he wasn't sure he was in love with Touya any more than he was in love with Go stones.
"Good evening, Shindou-kun!" It was Ichikawa-san, breaking in on his thoughts with her habitual cheerfulness.
"Good evening," he said, taking off his bag and handing it to her. "Is Touya here?"
"He's in the back, waiting for you."
Hikaru nodded and left her desk, heading towards their usual table. Touya looked up as he approached, and his gaze hit Hikaru's libido like a hammer. He was going to go insane if Touya Meijin didn't get the hell back to China soon.
Touya got to his feet and walked up to Hikaru as he approached, leaning in towards him, speaking softly.
"I'm going to the toilet," he said. It wasn't the sexiest of greetings, but Hikaru swallowed and nodded, turning to go with him. Touya, unsurprised, led the way.
*
"When is your father leaving? Seriously. I'm... I really miss you."
"I know. It's what I wanted to talk to you about." Touya was leaning against him, his voice slightly muffled because his mouth was pressed to Hikaru's neck. They had their arms around each other, their bodies were pressed hard against each other, and it still wasn't enough, because you couldn't have sex in a public toilet in a Go salon.
Hikaru tightened his grip, hugging him harder, desperate for as much contact as possible.
"What did you want to talk about?"
"Shindou. I've... been looking for information on the internet. There's... We can go somewhere. I have money."
"Somewhere? You mean..." His voice trailed off, and he blushed, not quite knowing what to say.
"Nobody would know. The place I've found has multiple entrance doors, even, so we could go in separately if you're scared of being seen."
"It's not that. It's... I mean, we're under-age. And, well. You're male and so am I. Wouldn't they stop us?"
"I already thought of that. The place I found doesn't have a reception. You pay and get the key and everything at a machine. Sort of like the ticket machines at the railway station."
"Oh." He couldn't deny the sense of utter embarrassment at the thought, but then again: sex. "Okay."
Touya broke away, nodding, then opened the door and headed towards the exit. Ichikawa-san seemed rather surprised and slightly disappointed to see them leave, but handed them their bags with good cheer, wishing them a good night. Hikaru nodded at her, smiled nervously, and followed Touya out of the door.
The trip to the love hotel was spent in silence. Touya wasn't looking at him; his head was tilted slightly forward, and his eyes were unfocused, his expression contemplative, withdrawn. He looked like he, too, was trying to work something out. Hikaru fell into step behind him as they left the train and walked through the streets, since Touya was the one who knew the address, after all.
"It's here." Touya paused at some traffic lights, glancing up at the building across the street. Hikaru followed his gaze: the place looked much like any building, really. He'd expected something a lot more sordid. But this was just a plain, simple building, like any of the ones he walked past every day on his way to the institute. It was a strangely thrilling thought. When the lights changed, he crossed the street quickly, tension beginning to curl in his stomach and his crotch. He remained silent as Touya led them inside and paused in front of something that did indeed look a lot like a ticket machine.
He didn't interrupt Touya as he pressed the buttons and made the payment: he wanted to get out of the foyer as soon as possible. He had no desire whatsoever to meet any other customers. There was a clink, and then Touya was picking up change and a plastic key card from a slot, turning towards him.
"Room 314," he said, sounding tense, as though he were challenging a particularly difficult opponent to a match. Hikaru nodded, and looked around: there was a lift. They headed to it in silence, pressed the button to the third floor, and Hikaru spent the short trip looking down at his shoes. They were scruffy: dusty and worn and with grey laces. Little-boy shoes. Not the kind of shoes people who had secret trysts in sleazy hotels wore.
The room just looked like an ordinary hotel room, with one or two differences: there was no window, and there were things on the night stand that Hikaru had no intention of inspecting. He kicked off his shoes and walked into the room hesitantly, sitting down on the bed because he couldn't think of what else to do.
"I thought these places were supposed to have lots of, I dunno, porn on the walls, or something," he said.
"The expensive ones do," Touya replied, taking off his jacked and hanging it carefully on a hanger, then pulling off his tie. Hikaru swallowed. "This place is cheap. I can afford to pay for us to go several times, if you want."
"Oh." Touya was actually earning money, wasn't he? Hikaru's main source of income was still his allowance. "How long have we got?"
"I paid for three hours," Touya said. "That's until ten thirty or so. I have to go home by then, anyway."
"Okay." Three hours. Three hours of touching... Touya was taking off his shirt, and Hikaru blinked, swallowed again, and looked away. He was already hard, and they were doing this, apparently, they were really going to do it. He pulled off his jacket and t-shirt and threw them on the floor, then stood up to pull down his trousers, getting rid of his socks and underpants with the same motion.
Touya was looking at him openly, still wearing his trousers. Hikaru blushed, but didn't look away, glaring at him in defiance.
"You're really beautiful," Touya said, glancing away and pulling down his trousers, pausing to hang them neatly before he took off his underpants and socks.
"Oh," Hikaru said, disarmed and afraid, and he walked over to Touya, reaching out, feeling naked flesh under his hand. Touya stilled, closing his eyes, and Hikaru wondered if he'd done something wrong.
"Touch me," Touya whispered, without opening his eyes.
"Oh," Hikaru said again, shakily, and he moved his hand, sliding it slowly along an arm. He stepped closer, not yet bringing their bodies into contact, his hand travelling slowly over Touya's back and down to his buttocks. Taking a deep mental breath, he slid his hand down further, following the curve of them, and Touya's lips parted. He was getting aroused, Hikaru could see it, and it felt like an earthquake or a volcanic eruption: something entirely outside his control, something that was overwhelming and frightening.
He moved his hand to stroke Touya's chest, exploring it slowly, following the lines and planes of his body. He took his time, yet he was heading ever downwards, and in the end he couldn't avoid it, even if he allowed himself a brief detour to stroke the top of Touya's thighs. Shivering, he reached for his erection, stroking it with the same steady touch that he'd used everywhere else on Touya's body, and Touya sighed, or grunted, and his head tilted backwards, exposing his throat. Hikaru wanted to kiss it. He didn't.
He did, however, begin to masturbate Touya, hoping it was okay to do so. Touya sighed again, and turned to him, wrapping both arms around his neck and leaning against him, resting his forehead on Hikaru's shoulder. This meant Hikaru could use both hands, so he did, wondering if they were really going to have sex standing up, when there was a bed not five meters away.
Touya's breathing hitched, and he moved his hips in slow motion, pressing into Hikaru's hands. He made a small, soft sound, almost exactly like the ones he'd made that first time, the time he'd been aroused in his sleep.
"Can I come like this?" he breathed, not lifting his head from Hikaru's shoulder. "Is it okay?"
"Sure." Evidently, they were going to have sex standing up. Hikaru closed his eyes, concentrating on what his hands were doing, allowing himself to dwell on the feeling of Touya's hard flesh and soft skin. He felt hot and heavy against his fingers, and Hikaru bit his lip, hard, as soon as he felt the first wetness, the drops of precome smearing themselves over his hands.
Touya's grip on him had tightened, his arms were rigid around Hikaru's neck. His body was tense, small tremors running through him, and he was panting, damply, against Hikaru's shoulder.
"I," he whispered, "I am, I, I, oh..."
He gasped, his body stilling completely, and he came into Hikaru's hands. Then he trembled again, and took a step closer, humming in obvious exhaustion and leaning heavily against him, his desperate grip on him changing into an embrace. Hikaru slid his arms around Touya's back, holding him, and trying to remember how to breathe.
"I'll take care of you in a moment, all right?" Touya murmured, pressing his hips forward against Hikaru's erection, and Hikaru nodded, overwhelmed.
*
"Hey, Shindou, do you have a minute?"
The study session with Morishita-sensei was over, and Waya came up to him, looking thoroughly uncomfortable and awkward.
Touya was playing a game in Hokkaido, of all places, and there would be no hotel visits today, so Hikaru nodded. Waya rubbed at his hair, seemingly unable to say anything.
"Let's go get something to eat, or something, okay? Ramen. You like ramen."
Hikaru shrugged, allowing himself to be pulled to the nearest shop. His taste for ramen seemed to have waned, a little, the last year or so, like his taste for other things he'd liked as a child, but it wasn't as though he actively disliked it. They were served with impressive speed, and Hikaru fell on his food, eating it quickly, while Waya picked at his.
"Listen," he said, eventually, obviously pulling himself together. "I'm sorry about the way I reacted. I just... thought it was a joke. I mean, Touya..." He stopped, probably realising that it wasn't a good idea to criticise Hikaru's tastes, and ate half a bowl of ramen in one gulp.
"Is that why you wanted to talk to me?" Hikaru asked, setting his empty bowl down. "'Cos it's okay, really."
"No, I... there's more." Waya stared unhappily down into his bowl, then got to his feet with a sigh. "Listen, let's go somewhere we can talk in private. The park, or something."
They paid and left, and walked to the park as dusk was falling. The place was nearly empty, but they still kept walking, because Waya didn't want anyone to overhear them.
"We had a really long talk after you left," he said, looking troubled. "I mean, Isumi-san and I. And... I can't tell you what he said, he made me promise not to tell anyone. But man, I need help."
"He confessed he was in love with you, didn't he?"
"You know I can't answer that, Shindou!"
"Yeah. But what do you need help with?"
"I..." Waya looked utterly confused, and Hikaru felt a bit sorry for him.
"Just tell me, okay? I won't laugh like you did."
Waya sighed, dragging two hands through his hair, then shook himself, looking directly at Hikaru.
"All right. I'll just tell you. If you laugh, I won't ever forgive you, get it?"
Hikaru nodded, caught between the desire to laugh at Waya's defensiveness and the desire to reassure him. Waya sighed again, clearly gathering his thoughts.
"When I walk down the streets, I look at girls," he began, in chairman tones, summing up. "When I see a girl in a short skirt or a low top, I get a hard-on. When I wank, I think of girls. You know? It's always been like that. I've never looked at guys like that. I'm not like that."
He paused, and Hikaru was silent, recognising there was more on the way.
"Isumi-san's my friend. We've been friends for years. I really like him and respect him, he's an incredibly good player, and he's a good person." Waya paused again, yanking at his hair again; his hairstyle was beginning to look like Einstein's on a bad day. "But after he co- after we talked, I..."
"Don't let him down," Hikaru said, his stomach twisting. "Just because he likes you, you shouldn't stop being his friend."
"No! That's not it! Shindou, I'm..." Waya looked utterly tortured, torn by conflicting emotions, his face showing honest pain. "Shindou, I'm curious."
Oh. Well that was hard to respond to. He opened his mouth and closed it a couple of times, trying to think of something constructive to say.
"Curious in what way?" he finally asked, feebly.
"As to how it would feel," Waya said, "Doing stuff. With him."
"Well... tell him?"
"No! You don't get it! I can't! Shindou, I am not like that. Really I'm not. I'm just not. But whenever I see Isumi-san now, I can't stop thinking about it, there's this huge elephant in the room, and everything's horribly awkward, and..." he stopped, drawing a deep breath.
"Well, if you're curious, and Isumi likes you, why not just give it a try?" Hikaru asked, stunned that he was giving relationship advice to two of his best friends.
"You really don't get it, do you?" Waya said, exasperated. "I can't do that. I can't just use Isumi-san like that, to satisfy my own curiosity! He cares about me..." He bit his lip, probably realising he'd admitted something he shouldn't, but Hikaru frowned, trying to think.
"You still need to tell him," he decided. "Tell him why you're acting the way you are. Because if you don't, he'll think it's because of his confession, and that he's lost your friendship."
"Oh." Waya had obviously not thought of that.
"You owe him that much, after his honesty to you," Hikaru said. Waya nodded, reluctantly. Drawing a deep breath, he closed his eyes for a moment, then straightened up, taking out his phone.
"Listen, I know I don't deserve this after I was going on about cowardice and so on, but could you stay here while I talk to him?"
"Sure. Why?"
"I'll probably chicken out if you're not here to spur me on."
Hikaru nodded, sitting down on a bench while Waya pressed 1 on his phone - it seemed Isumi was on speed dial.
"Isumi-san? It's Waya." A pause, and then. "Yeah. I was thinking I owe you an explanation... No, no, it's not like that. Listen..." He paused again, drawing a hand shakily through his hair, closing his eyes. "Listen, it's... after you talked to me about it, I kinda keep thinking about it, and, and, well. I've wondered what it would be like to do it with you, and... No, you idiot. Sex." There was a brief pause, but this time, Hikaru was fairly sure, nothing was being said on the other end. "It's like this. I'm not... I'm not in love with you, or anything, but I've felt really awkward because I was wondering about the sex thing, and I couldn't talk to you about it because you'd misunderstand and think I was interested, and what?"
The briefest of pauses, and then: "No, we can't! You'd get hurt, because... Oh." Waya blushed, and glared at Hikaru, evidently because he was listening in. "Wait a minute," he said, running a few steps away. When he spoke, Hikaru could still hear him, but he burrowed in his bag, looking for a drink, trying to look innocent. "But what if... I mean, I'd only do it because I wanted to know what it was like, you know?" Hikaru opened his drink, sipping the liquid slowly, trying to edit out what he was hearing. "Okay. I can be there in twenty minutes."
Waya returned, pocketing his phone, looking absolutely stunned. Hikaru watched him owlishly, wishing his friends would stop being weird, and lifted his bag, flinging it over his shoulder.
"What did he say to you?"
"He said if sex hurt, we were probably doing it wrong," Waya said, his voice distant. Then he pulled himself together, visibly. "Right, eh. I gotta go. Thanks for all your help." He set off without waiting for an answer, leaving the park at a run.
"Have fun," Hikaru called after him, not very loud.
*
"Hello?"
"Touya. It's me."
"Shindou. Hi."
"Hi." Pause. Great. Awkward. He turned out the lights and sat down on his bed, wishing he had thought of an excuse for calling. "How did the match go?" There, that was safe enough.
"I won."
"Of course."
"Why are you calling?"
"..."
"Not that I don't like it, you just haven't called me like this before."
"...I'm at home. I have to speak kinda softly. My parents went to bed a few minutes ago."
"Sure."
"You'll be back tomorrow night, right?"
"Yeah. Late. We can meet the day after tomorrow."
"Yeah." A pause, as Hikaru thought of what kind of meeting it would be. Judging by the compact silence on the other end, Touya was thinking along the same lines. "The same hotel?"
"Unless you have an alternative."
"Not really." Neither of them seemed to consider meeting just for a game. He pulled off his trousers and laid down on the bed, still in his underpants and t-shirt. "Where are you now?"
"Hotel room. I'm by the window. There's a view of the bay."
"When're your parents going to leave?"
"Next week, I think. They won't be gone too long, this time, though." Hikaru sighed, and in Hokkaido, Touya sighed as well.
"Wish you were here now." Hikaru mumbled, annoyed that he was sounding like a lovesick girl, but he was missing Touya so much his chest was aching.
"Likewise."
"Hey, Touya," Hikaru began, hearing the nervousness in his voice. He paused, his pulse beating painfully in his throat.
"What?"
"Uhm. Take off your clothes. And go to bed."
There was a very long silence at the other end, and then there was a rustling sound. Hikaru heard a click - the lights being turned out? - and then Touya's voice spoke again, his voice suddenly sounding closer. Maybe he was holding the phone carefully, speaking right into it.
"I'm here."
"Are you naked?" Hikaru's free hand sneaked down into his underpants, and he closed his eyes, pressing the phone to his cheek like a lover.
"Yes."
"I'm not, not entirely. Wait." He stripped, very quickly, then grabbed the phone again, lying down on his side. "I am now." There was breathing, quick breathing, in his ear.
"Are you..." Touya's voice was hesitant, but not afraid. "Are you doing anything?"
"Yeah. I'm, uh. Touching myself." Crap, that was something he hadn't thought of, when he'd fantasised about this. He was actually going to have to describe what he was doing.
"So am I." It took a moment for the words to register, and then Hikaru eyes opened and he gasped, thinking about it, about Touya in bed in a hotel room in Hokkaido, talking to him as he...
"How?" he asked, unable to hide the breathless eagerness in his voice.
"I'm, I'm lying on my back. And I've bent my legs, and... how are you doing it?"
"On my side, curled up." He hesitated, but Touya's voice and breath was in his ear, and he was speaking very softly and secretly to him, and nobody else would ever know. "That's how I prefer to do it," he whispered. "I almost always do it like this. You?"
"I almost always do it on my back, like this. I can use both hands comfortably, then."
"You can't do that now, right? With the phone..."
"Yes, actually. Handsfree kit."
"Oh." He bit his lip, arousal making it hard to think. "Tell me," he whispered, breathless. "Tell me what you're doing. With your hands."
"I'm... you tell me what you're doing."
"Just wanking." It felt good to say it, for some reason. "Wanking, and thinking of you doing the same thing."
"Me too." More breathing. Touya felt close, connected, and he was touching himself right now, thinking of Hikaru...
"When you come," Hikaru whispered, "Please let me hear you? Don't hold back."
"You too."
"Can't. Parents."
"Oh. Okay."
"Will you? Please?"
"...Sure."
"Thanks." I think I'm in love with you. "I'm, I'm close. Fuck, Touya, it feels good."
"Yes." The voice in his ear was breathless, a little hoarse; Hikaru could hear the approaching orgasm.
"I... Touya, there's something I want to do to you," he said, wanking harder, hearing the fear and the lust in his own voice. "I want to go down on you. With my mouth, I mean. Lick you. And that."
"Sh-shindou!" There was a soft sob, followed by a moan; it was clear Touya was past coherency.
"I mean it." His hand was moving so fast it was probably a blur, and he panted into the phone, trying to talk rather than stutter. "I'm not just s-saying it to get you off. I mean it, I want to s-suck a-and... Next time. The day after tomorrow. I-"
There was a loud gasp in his ear, and then a series of sounds that made Hikaru whimper, curl in on himself, and come. Touya had kept his promise, he hadn't held back at all. A silence followed, as they both tried to catch their breath.
"Did you really mean that?"
"Yeah." More silence.
"I look forward to it."
"Me too." At least, he thought he did.
"I'm going to spend tomorrow morning thinking about that rather than the Meijin league match I'm supposed to be playing."
"Sorry."
"It's fine. It's not like you're going to spend the Kisei prelims thinking about anything else, either."
"Touya?"
"Mm?"
"...Nothing."
Part three.