(no subject)
Okay, so I am incredibly pissed off at the moment. Kirsty has told me she can only get me £150 which she will put into my account tomorrow. I'm grateful that she has managed to get me something, but really annoyed its so low. I should have recieved a total of £500 by now and thats the last thing we would ever have to sort out. £150 just about allows me to pay the rent with the loan I have taken out, yet alone by myself food and presents for everyone for christmas. If it was even just £100 more I would be a happy person because it would see me through to january, but it's not. Yes I have had to take out a loan. I have tried chasing barfly for the £60 they owe me, but the only response I get is that they will contact me when they receive any word from head office. I am going to look into to do some mystery shopping this week, as although it isnt much, it is something to do with my time and should earn me money for the end of the month. Its about £5 a time, but I should be able to get about 10 together over the next week. Enough to cover an extra couple of weeks of food and bills. I wasn't worried because I thought she was getting me at least £200, but apparently not. I physically hate what she has done to me. She has completely broken me down, left me with nothing, left me completely in the shit with money, and it feels like she has taken a large bit of me with her, because I dont feel complete. Last night I had a really nice dream where she told me she missed me and that she hadnt been happy since she left me. I woke up so relaxed and reasonably happy, until I realized it was all a dream. Realized she's probably sleeping with other guys and doesnt think about me at all. I really do miss her, and I know I am really gonna feel it this week. I'm going down to Plymouth on the 22nd, which is rather late, but I'm doing this so that I will enjoy christmas. If I go down to early, then I will have seen my parents for a while, and by the time christmas comes, I will be bored. That probably sounds really selfish or something, but it's true, and then my whole christmas will be lousy. Instead I am staying up in Liverpool alone, which will be really lonely, but if I plow through this, then when I go down for christmas, I will have a lot more fun. It's just going to be hard, one whole week to go with nobody but myself, and trying to think how right now I should be with Kirsty at her house for christmas. Its hard because she was my best friend, the one person I could always rely on to be there for me. What do you do when you have lost your best friend forever? I hate her but just want her back.
The anti depressants are doing my head in and i dont think they are helping much. I have come to the conclusion that unless I am slightly drunk I don't ever smile. I dont enjoy anything. Nothing actually excites me or interests me anymore. And I've been trying to hide it and just say it was Kirsty, but this has gone on too long. I'm not sure I like them, reminds me of last time I was on them after I was told they couldnt diagnose my chest infection. Brings back bad memories, only this time I'm all alone.
Its a really small world, just added someone on facebook who is the sister of someone I used to go to high school with, who has one of my uni mates as her friend (who is german) and doesnt live anywhere near Hay on Wye.
Ollys just had a large argument with me about kirsty, and telling me how she is walking all over me. He says he knows she lent money out which she shouldnt have done coz she knows she owed me the rent. He says i should go to her parents for the money, and then I said she asked me not to get her parents involved, and I didnt want to out of respect. They have done so much for me, and I dont want to get them involved, they owe me nothing. Plus kirsty is still trying to get me the money, when she could just as easily cut off all contact and not pay me anything. He then had a go at me for being a walk over. Which is hard, I know I am a bit of a walk over, but I'm doing it out of respect that I know she is trying. And he then said she isnt trying and will never pay me the money. Now Olly is my friend, and telling me his opinion, which comes across very strongly, and he'll argue his opinion is right over everybody. He is telling me the truth, and I know this, but I dont know what to do. How can she be gone from my life, and cause me this much suffering?
I am alone and broke, with not one person around me or nearby. Why am I here? I was gonna write about my experience at the arena working on the bbc sports personality of the year, but I am just too down. I'm not in the mood to write about it, and would not do it justice.
The anti depressants are doing my head in and i dont think they are helping much. I have come to the conclusion that unless I am slightly drunk I don't ever smile. I dont enjoy anything. Nothing actually excites me or interests me anymore. And I've been trying to hide it and just say it was Kirsty, but this has gone on too long. I'm not sure I like them, reminds me of last time I was on them after I was told they couldnt diagnose my chest infection. Brings back bad memories, only this time I'm all alone.
Its a really small world, just added someone on facebook who is the sister of someone I used to go to high school with, who has one of my uni mates as her friend (who is german) and doesnt live anywhere near Hay on Wye.
Ollys just had a large argument with me about kirsty, and telling me how she is walking all over me. He says he knows she lent money out which she shouldnt have done coz she knows she owed me the rent. He says i should go to her parents for the money, and then I said she asked me not to get her parents involved, and I didnt want to out of respect. They have done so much for me, and I dont want to get them involved, they owe me nothing. Plus kirsty is still trying to get me the money, when she could just as easily cut off all contact and not pay me anything. He then had a go at me for being a walk over. Which is hard, I know I am a bit of a walk over, but I'm doing it out of respect that I know she is trying. And he then said she isnt trying and will never pay me the money. Now Olly is my friend, and telling me his opinion, which comes across very strongly, and he'll argue his opinion is right over everybody. He is telling me the truth, and I know this, but I dont know what to do. How can she be gone from my life, and cause me this much suffering?
I am alone and broke, with not one person around me or nearby. Why am I here? I was gonna write about my experience at the arena working on the bbc sports personality of the year, but I am just too down. I'm not in the mood to write about it, and would not do it justice.