Another year ends.
And another one I'll be glad to see the back of, not that it was as shite as 2007 was, but it brought it's own pain with it nonetheless. I'd a good wander round Seattle earlier and got lost in my own thoughts with the head somewhat clearer than it was when I left Gatwick what seems like weeks ago. Last year I wandered round the same city streets, not thinking for one second I'd be doing the same a year later, and it's made me see how far along I've come in that past 12 months. Things still hurt of course, sometimes with a level I cannot begin to describe, but I've had worse days than the past few weeks.
I'm covering old ground here perhaps but hiring that GS and clearing off into literally the unknown has turned out to be one of the most helpful things I've done. Id got a bit lost despite the map on some dirt road, something not helped by my lack of appreciation of the distances involved, and let things rip a bit when I'd got back to some paved roads. Slowly the pace went up, and the braking became less and less as I went along. For the first time in months I felt actually happy, even like this was some sort of life that was worth something - not living in a building site, being forced to move, trying to settle into a new place, dealing with a solicitor and a legal system that moves at a glacial place, shattering losses and the holes they leave behind. The list goes on. Sooner or later the inevetable happened, months of stacked up anger, jealousy, sadness and despair had the chance to leak out, The tears started. I'd to stop. The tears became a steady flow and there was no point in stopping them, the flow became a torrent of wrenching sobs. Unpleasant as it was, it's lifted a huge weight and I'm feeling a load better for it, the healing has finally begun. Where this will take me now I don't know, this is only the beginning and there is a long way to go. It may never be complete, but while I can look behind and see that things have at least changed it's going to be a help with moving forward, which is the way it needs to go.
For now it's New Years Eve and I feel like letting the hair down a bit. Some of you will already have started 2009, some of us have a while to go yet. Here's hoping that the new year brings better times for all.
I'm covering old ground here perhaps but hiring that GS and clearing off into literally the unknown has turned out to be one of the most helpful things I've done. Id got a bit lost despite the map on some dirt road, something not helped by my lack of appreciation of the distances involved, and let things rip a bit when I'd got back to some paved roads. Slowly the pace went up, and the braking became less and less as I went along. For the first time in months I felt actually happy, even like this was some sort of life that was worth something - not living in a building site, being forced to move, trying to settle into a new place, dealing with a solicitor and a legal system that moves at a glacial place, shattering losses and the holes they leave behind. The list goes on. Sooner or later the inevetable happened, months of stacked up anger, jealousy, sadness and despair had the chance to leak out, The tears started. I'd to stop. The tears became a steady flow and there was no point in stopping them, the flow became a torrent of wrenching sobs. Unpleasant as it was, it's lifted a huge weight and I'm feeling a load better for it, the healing has finally begun. Where this will take me now I don't know, this is only the beginning and there is a long way to go. It may never be complete, but while I can look behind and see that things have at least changed it's going to be a help with moving forward, which is the way it needs to go.
For now it's New Years Eve and I feel like letting the hair down a bit. Some of you will already have started 2009, some of us have a while to go yet. Here's hoping that the new year brings better times for all.