I haven't posted in a while...
I am graduating in 11 hours. Well, the ceremony is in 11 hours. Even if I fail a class which I will find out next week, I am still doing the ceremony. Unless something went wrong, I passed everything. A lot of people would think I'd be happy about this, but I'm in the air about it. 2008 is almost over and feel like I have accomplished nothing this year. I couldn't find an internship anywhere and no jobs are calling me back for an interview but one. The one that called me back says I still need to make it through two more interviews. So as of right now, I have a useless college degree that people wouldn't think is useless. If it wasn't useless to me, I'd have something by now to start off the new year. Then I could quit my annoying job at Lowe's. The management there has a knack for pissing me off. They wonder why it takes us so long to finish everything when they take our people away and won't hire others. But this isn't about Lowe's.
So what has 2008 meant to me? About as much as 2007 meant to me. That year sucked. This year sucked. 2009 doesn't look very promising either. Relationship wise, I've had shitty luck since I was a senior in high school. Fake feelings and fake emotions seems to overcome anything sincere. This isn't geared towards just one person. This paragraph is about those heartbreaks I have felt, pain my good friends have experienced, and the lack of remorse and accountability people have towards someone they hurt. My mom has explained to me the same reasoning every time I've been hurt by someone that "God has someone special for you." As much as I want to believe it, it doesn't seem to hold water. It could be true and probably is. But in any case, God is taking his sweet time with this. Now I'm turning into this drone that doesn't give a damn about anything. In high school, without a problem, I wasn't afraid to trust a person with my feelings and emotions. When that was over, I immediately went for the quick and easy girl. No emotions involved. It seemed so much easier. It wasn't fulfilling, though. Random dates came along, and it was fun. Then I trusted one of those a little too much, twice. Since then I haven't been able to trust. A good relationship came after, but I couldn't force myself to trust her. I honestly feel I am incapable of it. There is this numbness I have towards anything that involves trust. No matter how good or bad things are going, I can't trust anybody. It's probably impossible to understand, when things happen to somebody who just seems to shrug it off, it's real easy to want to break something. That is part of the reason I keep my job. Slinging crappy retail products off of a truck takes the energy out of you. But, to bring a high note to this, I'm still dating. Some may think it's too soon, but I know me better than others. Apathy is like morphine when it comes to being hurt. You are hurt regardless of being apathetic or not, but at least apathy makes it easier to cope with pain.
My job situation is really pissing me off. I know I didn't do the best in school. But what is the point? Anybody I know who has a job in the electrical engineering field doesn't use jack crap learned from school. I do understand companies have the mentality that if you do real well in school with what you are taught, they know teaching you is also possible. Essentially, that is what a college degree is. Companies see it and believe you are trainable and somewhat intelligent. I say somewhat because I am graduating from the same university that Dr. "fuckin" Phil graduated from. I didn't know this when I chose UNT as my school. In many ways that man has destroyed any credibility UNT had. I almost think my degree is a joke. I can't be too far off if I can't even land an internship. It's not the economy. I am so sick of hearing that crap. The economy is not why a company specifically says we have an OPENING for an internship. Companies don't make the claim they are hiring and then don't call me back because the whole economy is bad. That's like going hunting, seeing a 10 point buck, but not shooting because you just remembered killing animals is wrong. There is no logic in either one of those statements expect the point I just made, which is people's attempts at making you feel better are bullshit. Plus, what did I spend these last 5.5 years doing? I became a failed pre med student who chose engineering as a back up. I am going to be my back plan for the rest of my life. It doesn't sound very fulfilling. Assuming I even ever get a damn job, the only goal I will be achieving that I set for myself will be complete independence from my parents. My other goals I had set for after graduation were run the family business, be a father figure to my little brother and sister, have someone special around for a long time, and have $30,000 saved for a small business that I want to start.
So what am I doing after I graduate? Sitting at home, playing Orange Box, trying to keep afloat with the little money I make at Lowe's and dragging this out until July when hopefully I have the job in which I still have two interviews left. And if I get that job, I am off to New York for a year, leaving this shit behind that has seemingly made me more angry than happy.
I have a 1st cousin with his wife in the hospital. She is on her 2nd trimester with a child but is having complications. She is on the brink of having permanent damage to her ovaries and loosing the baby. They are only a year and half older than me, and I cannot possibly begin to imagine how I would feel in his situation. Even with all the things I have learned about believing in God and Jesus, so many things make it easy to believe that the powers above don't care. Is it really bad to question the tactics of supreme beings that seem to stack the deck against you? Because as of right now, things are looking that grim to me.
I guess I am done with the entry. If you actually made it through this entire thing, I commend you. I also don't know how to put the entry in a separate link so there are some point you can add to my idiot tally.