Running in place isn't as fun as it sounds...
So, thank you livejournal for NOT restricting how many characters I can put into a blog. And I apologize for any of you that is forced to scroll through this long mumbling self-pity entry.
Blah. That is how I'm feeling right now. I think everyone, myself included, has times where they just feel like the sky is falling. Now, looking out my window, the sky doesn't look like it's in danger of falling, but I'm still skeptical. I know the normal advice...why is it normal advice or cliche advice? Because, mostly, it works and is true. I know I shouldn't spend time dwelling on the past, mistakes or regrets. I know I shouldn't analyze what I can't control or read too much into things. But every once in awhile, those thoughts and advice aren't comforting and I need to dive into a little guilt and self-loathing. And I know it's not going to get me anywhere, but I'm already in mid-dive, so there's just no stopping me now. If you want to read, be my guest, but I completely understand since this will inevitably turn into a novel to rival even classics such as Gone with the Wind and The Merriam-Webster Dictionary. I just seem to find that I'm a visual person and seeing words in front of me seems comforting.
Decisions and choices shape our lives and there was once upon a time, I didn't make regrettable decisions...rewind a few years and any wrong decision could be more attributed to childhood, naivety, or being mislead by someone older and wiser. I excelled in school, it always came easy to me. Anything I tried came easy, there wasn't very much, apart from athletics, that I had to really try at. Now before you wonder what I'm complaining about, let me explain. I really feel like, naturally, I did well in school, but I really excelled because of my home life. It was always a wreck, I don't even think Lifetime could have written a better drama. (One day, I'm going to unveil my life story and make millions) My sactuary was school and when I got older, so was work. When I got into high school, my parents at the time were unbearably strict and controlling. It was not unusual not to be able to go out to football games,out with my friends after school and making me miss cheerleading practice as a punishment (probably for coming in 2 minutes after 10:00pm one night), eventually leading me to quit the cheer squad. And when I did leave the house, I was accused of drinking, doing drugs, having sex with random people, etc. If I didn't get A's in my classes, I had to take a report card to my teachers to sign each week courtasy of my parents, so "ensure" I did well. There was no room for failure, failure or less than "excellent" wasn't even an option. My grandparents, whom I love and treasure with all my heart, also pushed us to excel in whatever we did. And, their disappointment would have been worse than having to take a million report cards for my teachers to fill out. Those who know me now, would find it ironic that I was rarely late for something or would feel extreme anxiety for missing something (work, school, practice, etc). And it didn't stop when I turned 18, it continued. In December 2005, it was honestly the beginning of the end. I think anyone around the house or me could sense there was a change about to happen. It was really strange, very hard to describe...it was like just waiting. Waiting for something to happen, a catalyst of sorts to get the ball rolling. And New Year's Eve, the waiting was finally over and things came to a head. I stood up to my parents, finally and was kicked out to the street. I had no where to go, no where to run, except for friend's houses. After a few weeks, my Grandpa took me in and the self-destructive behavior really started.
I remember telling my best friend, Ryan, that I was afraid of losing control. I had been held down for so long, I was really afraid of just losing control or becoming really wild. I mean, he had known me probably the best and he was confident that I wasn't. I mean, I was the straight arrow, I didn't do anything wrong, even thinking of doing something wrong made me nauseous, so it made sense that he didn't think I would ever lose control. But slowly, I did. I started skipping school, I got involved in some things online that I regret, I started to live life the way everyone told me not to (I'll let you think the worst, it's most likely true). I'm not a psychiatrist, I don't even think I own one self-help book, so I can only guess at why I was (and still do, sometimes) behaving in such a way. I can only guess that I did these things because I had such a forced lifestyle and had all my decisions made for me, that when I got on my own, I wanted to rebel...to find out who I was. I started to push life-long friends away, wanted a new life, I didn't even care if I moved thousands of miles away from my family. I began throwing mini-temper tantrums when people told me what to do or demanded that I do something (that is still true today as well). I didn't know what I wanted to do in college, I decided that I didn't want to pursue what I was good at, I needed to find out if I was passionate about anything and if so, what it was and how I could make it my life. Friends did notice, some even tried to talk to me about it, but I just laughed it off. I was fine, I was always fine, it always worked out in the end. And up until that point, it really had.
I met Ted online in June 2006 and I can remember feeling happier than I probably ever have in my life. It was easy to fall in love with him and whenever he wasn't there I ached to be with him. He was different, he wanted to take me out, cheer me up, talk about my views on things. What I loved most is never wanted me to leave. I started to miss work or started to come in late. He wanted me, loved me and needed me. And that was something, at that point in my life, I was looking for. And, like most first loves, I have learned a lot. I got over the schoolgirl behavior, I learned to trust, I learned that just because we loved each other didn't mean it was always going to be easy. And it hasn't. Most of you know, Ted and I have gone through countless ups and downs, breaks and breakups and miraculously, we are still together. And looking back, I realize that I had focused so much on our relationship in the beginning, I let everything else slip away. I stopped paying on my credit cards, I didn't have enough money to pay them, so I didn't...without worry. And that was just the first of some of the bad decisions I made. Some, who still believe that I would never do such things without influence, like to blame Ted, but the truth is, I'm an adult, I haven't been a child for many years and I knew the potential consequences to the decisions I was making. Some decisions, I don't think I realized how bad the consequences could really be, but I was living for the moment, living day to day and was happy to battle things as they came. In fact, I don't blame Ted at all, I blame myself for not being stronger in helping us to make better choices together. We both knew better and now we are the ones to struggle with the fallout. To say I've grown up a lot in the last two and a half years is a perfect example of an understatement. I have seen some of these consequences come full circle and some are still in the process.
Which leads me to why I'm less than social today. If I was faced with the same decisions I was a couple years ago, I know I would have decided differently. It's like your parents always say (and maybe some of us are starting to feel)...If I knew then what I know now things would be different. But I can't go back and change things and I simply don't have the money to do a quick fix on these things. I have dropped out of school completely at this point and I can't go back for the time being. Why, you might ask? Because of my stupidity and my overconfidence in being about to get out of just about anything, I have totally and completely ruined my credit for at least the next ten years. It's called charge-offs and pending judgments, my friends. Nothing I am proud of at all, in fact, I'm more than embarrassed about it. So I'm stuck in a job that I don't mind, but certainly don't like, with a very bleek outlook on going back to school in the near future. The only possibility I would have is if the gov't would be able to pay for school completely. And with no one to co-sign anything for me (and I'm sure there are those nervous to do so, given my past) due to their own credit/financial issues, I don't have exactly the highest hope that I will be able to qualify for a loan for school, a house, a new car or even qualify for a mid-level apartment (if I ever have the money for that either). I don't even know what I want to do, I never found anything I was over the top passionate about. Culinary school is probably the closest thing I could get to "passion". But from the looks of it, I can't go to culinary school and work full time anyways. So I will probably pursue a general businesss degree just to prove on paper that I can work excel, make a presentation at work and have a brain in my head. I'm just stagnant right now. Running in place. In a rut. And frustrated. So, so unbelievably frustrated.
Something else I do know is that no matter what size rut you're in, you have to climb your way to the top. I don't think I've gotten to the Grand Canyon type size rut, I'm not on the street, I have a job and a car. Not to mention a family and a group of friends who I love dearly. And I have Ted, who I love and miss terribly when he's away. I have that to be grateful for. And I feel like I have potential, which gives me hope. But I know it's going to be a long climb to the top with a lot of rough spots and a lot of detours. I suppose my one big regret is that I really did have it all, I had a brillant head start, I knew how one is suppose to live and be successful, but I turned my nose up at it and decided to live by my own rules. I have learned a lot about myself and who I am in that time of living by my own rules, now I just want to get back the motivation and some of the discipline I once had in my life. And hopefully, on my 34th birthday, we'll be celebrating the end of an era and the happiness that comes from new beginnings. And maybe writing an enormous blog about this will help me mark where I am now. So the next time, I feel like I want to go to bed, pull the covers over my head and say "f*ck off world", I can see how far I've come. And maybe, this will be enough comfort for me to at least stand up straight in my room, with the shades drawn and just mumble, "f*ck me...oh well...I got shit to do, no use being depressing all day".
Blah. That is how I'm feeling right now. I think everyone, myself included, has times where they just feel like the sky is falling. Now, looking out my window, the sky doesn't look like it's in danger of falling, but I'm still skeptical. I know the normal advice...why is it normal advice or cliche advice? Because, mostly, it works and is true. I know I shouldn't spend time dwelling on the past, mistakes or regrets. I know I shouldn't analyze what I can't control or read too much into things. But every once in awhile, those thoughts and advice aren't comforting and I need to dive into a little guilt and self-loathing. And I know it's not going to get me anywhere, but I'm already in mid-dive, so there's just no stopping me now. If you want to read, be my guest, but I completely understand since this will inevitably turn into a novel to rival even classics such as Gone with the Wind and The Merriam-Webster Dictionary. I just seem to find that I'm a visual person and seeing words in front of me seems comforting.
Decisions and choices shape our lives and there was once upon a time, I didn't make regrettable decisions...rewind a few years and any wrong decision could be more attributed to childhood, naivety, or being mislead by someone older and wiser. I excelled in school, it always came easy to me. Anything I tried came easy, there wasn't very much, apart from athletics, that I had to really try at. Now before you wonder what I'm complaining about, let me explain. I really feel like, naturally, I did well in school, but I really excelled because of my home life. It was always a wreck, I don't even think Lifetime could have written a better drama. (One day, I'm going to unveil my life story and make millions) My sactuary was school and when I got older, so was work. When I got into high school, my parents at the time were unbearably strict and controlling. It was not unusual not to be able to go out to football games,out with my friends after school and making me miss cheerleading practice as a punishment (probably for coming in 2 minutes after 10:00pm one night), eventually leading me to quit the cheer squad. And when I did leave the house, I was accused of drinking, doing drugs, having sex with random people, etc. If I didn't get A's in my classes, I had to take a report card to my teachers to sign each week courtasy of my parents, so "ensure" I did well. There was no room for failure, failure or less than "excellent" wasn't even an option. My grandparents, whom I love and treasure with all my heart, also pushed us to excel in whatever we did. And, their disappointment would have been worse than having to take a million report cards for my teachers to fill out. Those who know me now, would find it ironic that I was rarely late for something or would feel extreme anxiety for missing something (work, school, practice, etc). And it didn't stop when I turned 18, it continued. In December 2005, it was honestly the beginning of the end. I think anyone around the house or me could sense there was a change about to happen. It was really strange, very hard to describe...it was like just waiting. Waiting for something to happen, a catalyst of sorts to get the ball rolling. And New Year's Eve, the waiting was finally over and things came to a head. I stood up to my parents, finally and was kicked out to the street. I had no where to go, no where to run, except for friend's houses. After a few weeks, my Grandpa took me in and the self-destructive behavior really started.
I remember telling my best friend, Ryan, that I was afraid of losing control. I had been held down for so long, I was really afraid of just losing control or becoming really wild. I mean, he had known me probably the best and he was confident that I wasn't. I mean, I was the straight arrow, I didn't do anything wrong, even thinking of doing something wrong made me nauseous, so it made sense that he didn't think I would ever lose control. But slowly, I did. I started skipping school, I got involved in some things online that I regret, I started to live life the way everyone told me not to (I'll let you think the worst, it's most likely true). I'm not a psychiatrist, I don't even think I own one self-help book, so I can only guess at why I was (and still do, sometimes) behaving in such a way. I can only guess that I did these things because I had such a forced lifestyle and had all my decisions made for me, that when I got on my own, I wanted to rebel...to find out who I was. I started to push life-long friends away, wanted a new life, I didn't even care if I moved thousands of miles away from my family. I began throwing mini-temper tantrums when people told me what to do or demanded that I do something (that is still true today as well). I didn't know what I wanted to do in college, I decided that I didn't want to pursue what I was good at, I needed to find out if I was passionate about anything and if so, what it was and how I could make it my life. Friends did notice, some even tried to talk to me about it, but I just laughed it off. I was fine, I was always fine, it always worked out in the end. And up until that point, it really had.
I met Ted online in June 2006 and I can remember feeling happier than I probably ever have in my life. It was easy to fall in love with him and whenever he wasn't there I ached to be with him. He was different, he wanted to take me out, cheer me up, talk about my views on things. What I loved most is never wanted me to leave. I started to miss work or started to come in late. He wanted me, loved me and needed me. And that was something, at that point in my life, I was looking for. And, like most first loves, I have learned a lot. I got over the schoolgirl behavior, I learned to trust, I learned that just because we loved each other didn't mean it was always going to be easy. And it hasn't. Most of you know, Ted and I have gone through countless ups and downs, breaks and breakups and miraculously, we are still together. And looking back, I realize that I had focused so much on our relationship in the beginning, I let everything else slip away. I stopped paying on my credit cards, I didn't have enough money to pay them, so I didn't...without worry. And that was just the first of some of the bad decisions I made. Some, who still believe that I would never do such things without influence, like to blame Ted, but the truth is, I'm an adult, I haven't been a child for many years and I knew the potential consequences to the decisions I was making. Some decisions, I don't think I realized how bad the consequences could really be, but I was living for the moment, living day to day and was happy to battle things as they came. In fact, I don't blame Ted at all, I blame myself for not being stronger in helping us to make better choices together. We both knew better and now we are the ones to struggle with the fallout. To say I've grown up a lot in the last two and a half years is a perfect example of an understatement. I have seen some of these consequences come full circle and some are still in the process.
Which leads me to why I'm less than social today. If I was faced with the same decisions I was a couple years ago, I know I would have decided differently. It's like your parents always say (and maybe some of us are starting to feel)...If I knew then what I know now things would be different. But I can't go back and change things and I simply don't have the money to do a quick fix on these things. I have dropped out of school completely at this point and I can't go back for the time being. Why, you might ask? Because of my stupidity and my overconfidence in being about to get out of just about anything, I have totally and completely ruined my credit for at least the next ten years. It's called charge-offs and pending judgments, my friends. Nothing I am proud of at all, in fact, I'm more than embarrassed about it. So I'm stuck in a job that I don't mind, but certainly don't like, with a very bleek outlook on going back to school in the near future. The only possibility I would have is if the gov't would be able to pay for school completely. And with no one to co-sign anything for me (and I'm sure there are those nervous to do so, given my past) due to their own credit/financial issues, I don't have exactly the highest hope that I will be able to qualify for a loan for school, a house, a new car or even qualify for a mid-level apartment (if I ever have the money for that either). I don't even know what I want to do, I never found anything I was over the top passionate about. Culinary school is probably the closest thing I could get to "passion". But from the looks of it, I can't go to culinary school and work full time anyways. So I will probably pursue a general businesss degree just to prove on paper that I can work excel, make a presentation at work and have a brain in my head. I'm just stagnant right now. Running in place. In a rut. And frustrated. So, so unbelievably frustrated.
Something else I do know is that no matter what size rut you're in, you have to climb your way to the top. I don't think I've gotten to the Grand Canyon type size rut, I'm not on the street, I have a job and a car. Not to mention a family and a group of friends who I love dearly. And I have Ted, who I love and miss terribly when he's away. I have that to be grateful for. And I feel like I have potential, which gives me hope. But I know it's going to be a long climb to the top with a lot of rough spots and a lot of detours. I suppose my one big regret is that I really did have it all, I had a brillant head start, I knew how one is suppose to live and be successful, but I turned my nose up at it and decided to live by my own rules. I have learned a lot about myself and who I am in that time of living by my own rules, now I just want to get back the motivation and some of the discipline I once had in my life. And hopefully, on my 34th birthday, we'll be celebrating the end of an era and the happiness that comes from new beginnings. And maybe writing an enormous blog about this will help me mark where I am now. So the next time, I feel like I want to go to bed, pull the covers over my head and say "f*ck off world", I can see how far I've come. And maybe, this will be enough comfort for me to at least stand up straight in my room, with the shades drawn and just mumble, "f*ck me...oh well...I got shit to do, no use being depressing all day".