i have no idea what's going on...
ok, this afternoon i checked my e-mail find out i have a message from ras on myspace. but myspace was being a jackass so i couldn't read it. well i finally got to. i don't know what it is about him that just seeing his name in my e-mail can make me feel so many different things. and then there's the message. basically he told me he understands if i never want to talk to him again, but he apologised for everything that happened before and kinda explained. most of the crazy things going thru my head are irrellivant b/c i'm almost positive he has a gf. but on the other hand they're still there and fueling so many other thoughts. as hokey as it sounds he really hurt me when he just disappeared. things were going so well, and then all of a sudden things went shitty fast, he dropped off the face of the earth with no explination whatsoever. and then when i tried to talk to him i was either ignored or, finally, blocked. so getting this message from him, part of me really wants to just ask if he wants to start talking again, does that mean he's going to unblock me? but then part of me also really doesn't want to fuck up a chance to have my friend back. i was just talking about my birthday weekend and how much fun we had, and i really started to miss him again. it's rediculous how much looking thru his myspace and finding out he has a girlfriend and lives here and is quitting smoking for the girl all really upset me. i should be so mad at him for the way he treated me, and yet i'm not, i'm just hurt all over again. and i know i shouldn't let that happen, i shouldn't let him hurt me again. but... i just can't help it. i miss my friend. i just miss him, and everything is so messed up in my head and i don't know whether to be mad or happy or any of the billion things in between. ARGH!