(no subject)
I finally took the stage tonight for the first time this year. Sad, I know, that it took me over 2 months. And who would have thought that a 4 song set including a borrowed (piece of shit) guitar, a barely finished song, a broken microphone and forgetting an entire verse to another song would actually feel good. But it did! I randomly ended up at the open mic at the Q in Worcester with my brother tonight and it wasn't a particularly good open mic in many ways but it made me feel like a musician. And a writer. And a performer. And all of those things that I think I am. And it was great. Music needs to happen in my life a lot more often than it does now. A lot of things need to happen a lot more in my life than they do now.
So it's been nearly a month and a half since breaking up with Ryan. The only thing I've really figured out so far is that I needed this. I'm just hitting the point where it gets competitive and that's a weird point. Especially because the winner is essentially unknown being that we live in different states and have not been in contact for several weeks. I do miss him some days and I have been fighting the urge to call him for weeks because I know that the few times we did speak since the break up, no one hung up feeling any better. In the majority of cases, I think all parties felt worse. I don't like this game. And I don't like the confusion that comes with moving on to someone new. I feel so naive about how all of this works and how to figure out if someone is interested or not and what to do if they are and how to get over it if they're not. I feel like I've never done this before because I really haven't. I'm at the point where I can't decide whether I need to grow a set or back off. It feels pretty ridiculous. And I am so freaking impatient it's insane. I can't wait more than 2 seconds for anything and now I have to and it sucks.
On with the adventure!
So it's been nearly a month and a half since breaking up with Ryan. The only thing I've really figured out so far is that I needed this. I'm just hitting the point where it gets competitive and that's a weird point. Especially because the winner is essentially unknown being that we live in different states and have not been in contact for several weeks. I do miss him some days and I have been fighting the urge to call him for weeks because I know that the few times we did speak since the break up, no one hung up feeling any better. In the majority of cases, I think all parties felt worse. I don't like this game. And I don't like the confusion that comes with moving on to someone new. I feel so naive about how all of this works and how to figure out if someone is interested or not and what to do if they are and how to get over it if they're not. I feel like I've never done this before because I really haven't. I'm at the point where I can't decide whether I need to grow a set or back off. It feels pretty ridiculous. And I am so freaking impatient it's insane. I can't wait more than 2 seconds for anything and now I have to and it sucks.
On with the adventure!