hey stream of consciousness how are you tonight? i am fine thanks
so here i am, listening to avril lavigne.
i mean, whatever, you can hate all you want, but there's something about song lyrics, no matter who it is that sings them, sometimes they are true.
i don't know if it's my fault for letting myself be deceived for so long, or even if there was conscious deception by either of us, or if things just sort of happened, or what caused this complete 180.
maybe it was just a friendship of convenience, we live so close together that it was easy for us to see each other all the time, and so
is it sad that "my happy ending" is basically what i'm feeling like right now?
no. it is not. it is okay.
mostly the "thanks for watching while i fall" part, because he literally did WATCH it all happen and did absolutely NOTHING.
i feel simultaneously like "it's okay, things will work out eventually" and "here is another failed close friendship and therefore it is proof that everyone i am ever close to will hurt me", and even though the former makes more sense, the latter is closer to what i keep thinking.
which is kinda funny, cause at the beginning of all this, i thought he was proof of the opposite, that not everyone will hurt me like jesse did.
i don't even know if i'm that "hurt", i just know that he is being a shitty friend and i should not be treated like this.
he has always prided himself on the way he treats people, especially girls, and he says it is his goal to never hurt a girl, so i kind of want to tell him all this and be like, what now bitch, you did not treat me well.
but if i did do that, even if i had a well-organized argument and a list of things i wished to say, he would probably interrupt or make a really good point after i finished and i would be like "...oh. yeah." because that's how things generally go with him.
and also, who the hell has a goal to never hurt girls? what kind of southern bullshit is that?
and i mean, what the hell is so "private" that you can't even tell me that it's not something i did that is making you act all weird towards me all week, and then when you do say something is wrong after i have to ask if everything is okay, and then you say it's private and you can't talk to me about it, i mean, i know everyone is entitled to their privacy, but i thought we had sort of a "we'll help each other out" thing, not a "i'll tell you my problems and you pretend to try to solve them because it boosts your ego" thing, which is apparently what we actually did have.
what happened to our "zenith of secrecy"? or was that not so important to you either? you told me that you had sex with your ex before she was your ex. i told you things that, even now, no one here knows about me. i mean, the things that you tell me and say not to tell anyone else are pretty much always about sex. so what if you did it in a target changing room? i mean, okay, it's scandalous, whatever, but did it really affect who you are as a person? did it change your life?
i think maybe one of the things that is keeping me from completely giving up and letting go is just the fact that you know so much about me that i feel like i can't NOT be friends with you.
what about us is real? or was?
"i thought what we had was special." i am pretty sure that is from the episode of spongebob where spongebob and patrick raise the baby scallop. maybe i am mistaken but i am pretty sure.
i keep giving my whole self to people who i think feel the same but they never do. and i never stop or change how much i put myself into my friendships. i am not sure if it is a character flaw or something that, eventually, will be a positive aspect of my self.
i need to stop saying "oh, it's okay" when things are not okay.
i need to stop saying "it's fine" when it's not fine.
i need to stop justifying people's actions when they obviously do not deserve justification. i overjustify everything.
i need to figure out what i'm going to do.
and i need to go to sleep so that i can get some work done tomorrow.
i mean, whatever, you can hate all you want, but there's something about song lyrics, no matter who it is that sings them, sometimes they are true.
i don't know if it's my fault for letting myself be deceived for so long, or even if there was conscious deception by either of us, or if things just sort of happened, or what caused this complete 180.
maybe it was just a friendship of convenience, we live so close together that it was easy for us to see each other all the time, and so
is it sad that "my happy ending" is basically what i'm feeling like right now?
no. it is not. it is okay.
mostly the "thanks for watching while i fall" part, because he literally did WATCH it all happen and did absolutely NOTHING.
i feel simultaneously like "it's okay, things will work out eventually" and "here is another failed close friendship and therefore it is proof that everyone i am ever close to will hurt me", and even though the former makes more sense, the latter is closer to what i keep thinking.
which is kinda funny, cause at the beginning of all this, i thought he was proof of the opposite, that not everyone will hurt me like jesse did.
i don't even know if i'm that "hurt", i just know that he is being a shitty friend and i should not be treated like this.
he has always prided himself on the way he treats people, especially girls, and he says it is his goal to never hurt a girl, so i kind of want to tell him all this and be like, what now bitch, you did not treat me well.
but if i did do that, even if i had a well-organized argument and a list of things i wished to say, he would probably interrupt or make a really good point after i finished and i would be like "...oh. yeah." because that's how things generally go with him.
and also, who the hell has a goal to never hurt girls? what kind of southern bullshit is that?
and i mean, what the hell is so "private" that you can't even tell me that it's not something i did that is making you act all weird towards me all week, and then when you do say something is wrong after i have to ask if everything is okay, and then you say it's private and you can't talk to me about it, i mean, i know everyone is entitled to their privacy, but i thought we had sort of a "we'll help each other out" thing, not a "i'll tell you my problems and you pretend to try to solve them because it boosts your ego" thing, which is apparently what we actually did have.
what happened to our "zenith of secrecy"? or was that not so important to you either? you told me that you had sex with your ex before she was your ex. i told you things that, even now, no one here knows about me. i mean, the things that you tell me and say not to tell anyone else are pretty much always about sex. so what if you did it in a target changing room? i mean, okay, it's scandalous, whatever, but did it really affect who you are as a person? did it change your life?
i think maybe one of the things that is keeping me from completely giving up and letting go is just the fact that you know so much about me that i feel like i can't NOT be friends with you.
what about us is real? or was?
"i thought what we had was special." i am pretty sure that is from the episode of spongebob where spongebob and patrick raise the baby scallop. maybe i am mistaken but i am pretty sure.
i keep giving my whole self to people who i think feel the same but they never do. and i never stop or change how much i put myself into my friendships. i am not sure if it is a character flaw or something that, eventually, will be a positive aspect of my self.
i need to stop saying "oh, it's okay" when things are not okay.
i need to stop saying "it's fine" when it's not fine.
i need to stop justifying people's actions when they obviously do not deserve justification. i overjustify everything.
i need to figure out what i'm going to do.
and i need to go to sleep so that i can get some work done tomorrow.