Fic: Papercut
Title: Papercut
Author: Mary (stillxmyxheart)
Beta: Lindsay (nylana)
Rating: R (language)
Genre: Angst, Drama
Word Count: 10,171
Characters/Pairings: April, Nathan, Simon, Sam (April/Simon)
Summary: Some wounds never heal.
A/N: This is an idea the braintwin and I have been batting back and forth for a little while now, and I finally decided it needed to be written. Apparently Lindsay and I seem to be trying to outdo each other with each new bucket of angst we produce, so this is now officially the longest apoca!fic yet XD What can I say, the Gates family just angsts so well.
Stupid. Worthless. A mistake.
For most of her childhood April Newcastle heard these words every day from her father. She was stupid for every B on her report card. She was worthless when dinner wasn't ready the second her father walked through the door.
She was always a mistake.
The only day she remembers not hearing those words from him is the day he left, sneaking out like a coward while April was at school and her mother was at work. April hadn't even known anything was different until her mother came home to discover that everything of Garrett's was gone.
She blamed April.
April struggled with the pain of those words for years, lived with the constant feeling of never being good enough, never being smart enough, always afraid of being a disappointment.
It wasn't until college that she finally started to think that maybe she was good enough and was smart enough. Her professors seemed to dote on her, making her feel clever and useful, as if her thoughts and opinions actually mattered.
And then there was a boy named Michael who brought up all of those bad feelings again, who hurt her with his words and hands, and when she was finally free of him she made a promise to herself to never let somebody do that to her again.
Two and a half weeks ago he came back, the only man who could ever make her feel like she was nothing, and she discovered that those words still held power over her.
She still struggles with the pain.
April's just arrived at work for the day and is settling behind her desk when Nathan steps into her office.
"You're late," he mutters, frowning lightly at her.
April glances at her clock and gives him a look. "By less than five minutes."
"Late is late," he replies, returning her look.
"So dock my pay," April says, rolling her eyes as she tugs her phone from her purse and places it on her desk.
Nathan's frown deepens. "I need the Fischer file, the meeting's today," he says as April leans down to drop her purse into the bottom drawer of her desk.
April straightens and eyes the stacks of files and reports that cover the surface of her desk.
"I don't know where it is right this minute, but I'll find it."
Nathan blows out an annoyed puff of air and raises his hand to rub the back of his neck.
"Please do. The meeting's at two. This is important, April," he adds, raising his eyebrows at her.
"I know that, Nathan, you don't have to remind me," she replies, frowning slightly.
Nathan sighs again and turns to leave, muttering, "Just find it," as he strides from the office.
"Do you have the Fischer file yet?" Nathan asks, looking harried as he steps into April's office again a few hours later.
April glances up from the stack of files she's frantically searching through, hating what she's about to say.
"I can't - I can't seem to find it," she says apologetically.
Nathan stares at her. "I asked you for that file first thing this morning, and you still haven't found it?" he says incredulously. "I gave it to you to read over, April, not lose in the untamed wilds of your desk."
"Calm down, Nathan," April says, raising her eyebrows at him. "I'll find it. Your meeting's not until two, it's barely noon now."
"Without that file, there is no meeting," he snaps, "and this entire project goes straight to hell." He sighs again, running a hand down his face before pointing a finger at April. "Find it."
"I will," April replies shortly, annoyance flashing through her as Nathan turns on his heel and stalks from the room.
It's approaching two o'clock when April steps into Nathan's office, holding the file aloft in her hand.
"About damn time." Nathan rises from his chair and steps over to her, snatching the folder from her. She's not expecting it and doesn't let go right away, and the edge of one of the pieces of paper inside slices across her finger, making her gasp.
"Meeting's in ten minutes," Nathan adds irritably as he glances at his watch, appearing not to hear her gasp.
"I told you I'd find it," April says, frowning as she peers at her cut before sticking her finger in her mouth, glaring at Nathan.
"Do you have any idea how important this is?" he says.
"Of course I do. It's not like I misplaced it on purpose, Nathan. I told you I would find it," April says again, her eyebrows knitting together as her hand falls to her side.
"Well, you wouldn't have had to find it if you hadn't lost it in the first place. Honestly, April, how stupid do you have to be to not be able to keep track of one file?"
April's stomach twists uncomfortably as she watches Nathan yank his suit jacket off the back of his chair.
"I'm not stupid," she says quietly.
"Could've fooled me," Nathan replies nastily as he shrugs the jacket on. He yanks open the top drawer of his desk and pulls out his phone, slipping it into the inside pocket of his jacket and then slamming the drawer shut. The crash of wood on wood is like a gunshot and April jumps. Nathan doesn't look at her as he reaches for a couple of reports stacked beside his monitor and there's a tight feeling in her chest, squeezing her heart like a vise.
"I'm sorry," she says in a small voice. The tightness rises to her throat and she suddenly feels like she's a little girl again.
"Like I haven't heard that before," Nathan says snidely, shaking his head minutely as he tucks the reports under his arm. "Don't let it happen again," he adds as he starts towards the door, flipping through the file again. He brushes past April without a glance in her direction, his eyes on the contents of the file, and as he passes she hears him mutter, "Idiot."
He leaves and she stands still a moment, staring blankly at his desk, her mouth open slightly. The room blurs and she gasps, turning her gaze to the floor as tears fall from her eyes.
Her knees suddenly feel weak and she sinks into a chair, pressing her fingers to her lips.
Nathan's been snippy with her for the past couple of days and she had chalked it down to stress, but he's never spoken to her that way before, no matter how stressed he is or how bad his day is going.
She wonders what she did wrong, what else she might have done to upset him, but can think of nothing she's done to make him suddenly turn on her.
She pushes abruptly to her feet, swiping at her eyes as she strides from the room. She settles behind her desk in an attempt to keep working, but an hour later realizes she's done nothing except fight back tears as she stares at the surface of her desk, and knows it's hopeless.
She gathers her things together and tells an astonished Laurie that she's not feeling well before she heads for her car to go home.
She quietly shuts the door when she steps inside; she knows Simon's only been home for a few hours and she doesn't want to disturb him.
The bedroom is darker than it normally would be at this time of day on account of the heavy curtains on the windows, drawn tight against the mid afternoon sunlight, and April can't help smiling when she sees Simon.
He's sound asleep, sprawled across the bed like a long limbed starfish, one arm hanging over the edge of the mattress while the other is curled around her pillow. The blanket is already half off the bed and the top sheet is tangled around his waist; she can see the toes of one exposed foot hanging over the end of the bed from where he's tugged the sheet loose, and she knows that it too will soon be on the floor.
April glances down and sighs as she snatches Simon's pants up off the floor, finding his work shirt and tie under the blanket. Most of the time he's good about putting his clothes in the hamper, but she supposes he must have been too tired to think about it, remembering that he worked a double shift to cover for another agent.
She moves into the bathroom, tugging his belt from the loops on his trousers and checking the pockets before she drops the pants into the hamper along with his shirt and tie. Her own clothes follow soon after as she changes into something more comfortable before stepping from the bathroom. She hangs his belt up in the closet and quietly leaves the room.
Her phone is ringing as she gently shuts the door behind her and she hurries over to her purse, pulling it out just as the ringer shuts off. She presses the button to turn on the display and stares at the notification.
One missed call: Nathan (Work).
She chews on her bottom lip for a moment and then frowns when the voicemail notification appears. She hesitates and then dials into it, raising the phone to her ear.
"April, it's Nathan. Laurie said you went home sick; will you be in tomorrow? Call me."
He still sounds irritated and the fact that he didn't ask how she was is not lost on her.
She deletes the message and stares contemplatively at her phone, running her thumb over the buttons before dropping it back into her purse.
She walks over to the couch and sits down, tucking one leg underneath her as she leans against the arm rest.
It's only been two and a half weeks since her birthday and the unexpected reappearance of her father, and her mind is still heavy with the weight of all the memories she's kept locked away for so long. Nights have been the worst, when her subconscious brings forth those memories and twists them into dreams. More than once Simon has had to wake her, pulling her from her nightmares and holding her until she's able to go back to sleep. The worst one was a few nights after the party, when she woke up but still felt trapped within her dream and fought against Simon so hard that she shoved him off the bed. It wasn't until she saw him on the floor, his expression bewildered and concerned, that she realized he was Simon and not her father, and that she was safe in her bed. She broke down sobbing, apologizing profusely, and Simon picked himself up off the floor, insisting she didn't need to be sorry. He seemed wary to touch her as he sat back down on the bed, perhaps afraid of setting her off again, until she reached for him, wrapping her arms around his neck and clinging to him as she cried. He held her until she fell asleep and when she awoke the next morning, he was still holding her.
April sighs and pulls her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around her legs. She thinks back to what Nathan said earlier and her heart aches again with fresh hurt. He's always been so sweet with her, has always seemed so keen to make her smile or laugh, but she'd seen a different side to him this afternoon, a mean, hurtful side that she's never seen before. Part of her wonders if Nathan is really so different from her father.
It's just after six when Simon emerges from the bedroom, yawning as he runs a hand through his sleep mussed hair, absently scratching his stomach with the other. He's dressed in his white undershirt and black boxers, furthering April's belief that he undressed just enough to collapse into bed when he got home.
"Did you fix the sheets?" she asks, lowering her feet to the floor.
"I will," he promises as he moves towards her, bending to drop a kiss to her lips.
"What do you want for dinner?" she asks, resting her elbow on her thigh and propping her chin in her hand as she watches Simon amble to the kitchen.
"We're going to Dad's for dinner," he replies, tossing a frown over his shoulder. "Did you forget?"
April freezes as Simon disappears into the kitchen. She had forgotten, and Nathan's house is the last place she wants to be tonight.
"I don't think I want to go," she calls, and when Simon reappears, his frown is deeper.
"What do you mean, you don't want to go?" he asks as he moves to sit in the armchair next to the couch, propping his feet up on the coffee table. He's got a banana in one hand and a bottle of juice in the other. "You love going to Dad's. Sometimes I think you like spending time with him more than you do with me." He grins and twists open his juice, tossing back a swallow.
"No, I don't," April says irritably as she pushes to her feet. "And I don't want to go."
She starts to move past Simon and he quickly sets his juice and banana down as he stands, taking hold of her arm before she can get too far away from him.
"I was just kidding, April," he says, looking down at her, his expression worried. "What's wrong? Why don't you want to go?"
April looks down at her hands, unsure if she wants to tell Simon the truth. The last thing she wants to do is upset him.
"I just - I don't feel good," she says finally, which isn't a total lie.
"Are you getting sick?" Simon asks, pressing the back of his hand to her forehead.
She can't help smiling at his concern and she shakes her head.
"Just a bad headache, I think," she murmurs.
"Why don't you go lie down for a while?" he suggests, carefully running his fingers through her hair. "I'll call Dad and tell him we're not coming, and figure something out for dinner."
April nods; the thought of lying in the darkened bedroom is very appealing at the moment.
"Fix the sheets first," she says, raising her eyebrows at Simon.
He grins and presses a kiss to her forehead before he follows her into the bedroom.
She helps him make the bed and then slips under the covers as he steps over to his dresser to pull out a clean pair of jeans.
He leans down to touch another kiss to her forehead before grabbing his phone from his bedside table and leaving the room.
Two hours later Simon's on the edge of the bed, his arms around April as she comes down from another bad dream. Tears stream down her cheeks as she holds him tightly, pressing against his chest and trying to catch her breath as he strokes her hair.
He asks softly what this one was about and she just shakes her head because it's one of the same ones she's been having. She can still hear the angry voice in her head, calling her an idiot, calling her stupid, can hear the footsteps behind her and see the shadow standing over her.
She presses closer to Simon, clutching his shirt in her fingers; she snags her cut on the fabric, and gasps softly as pain shoots through her hand. Suddenly she's back in that moment earlier that day, and fresh tears fill her eyes as she realizes it's not her father's voice still ringing in her ears, calling her names, and it's not his shadow looming over her, trying to hurt her.
It's Nathan's.
She goes into work the next morning, assuring Simon that she's fine and doesn't need to take the day off, even though she'd like nothing better than to do just that. But there are too many important meetings she has to attend and too much work that has to be done.
She's able to successfully avoid Nathan all day, sitting far from him in their shared meetings and asking Laurie to buy her lunch for her, eating at her desk as she works.
She's heading back to her desk after her final meeting of the day, flipping through a report in her hands and not paying attention to where she's walking, when she runs into somebody as she rounds a corner. It's a hard hit and she stumbles backward, bracing herself against the wall as the report slips from her hands along with the bundle of files tucked under her arm.
She falls to her knees and shuffles the papers back into their folders, not noticing who's helping her until she looks up as the other person straightens. Nathan's standing over her and the world spins slightly as she stares up at him. The images from her dream collide with reality and when he extends a hand towards her she cringes, thinking he's going to hit her.
His hand falls to his side as he frowns down at her and April stands as he opens his mouth to speak, pushing past him and hurrying down the hall before he can even finish saying her name.
She shuts the door when she reaches her office, dropping the files onto her desk before she collapses into her chair. She closes her eyes and breathes deeply through her nose as she clenches her hands in her lap to try to stop their shaking.
She tries to tell herself that it was just a dream, that Nathan wouldn't actually hit her, but doubt and fear cloud her judgment as images from the dream flicker across her mind, playing out like a movie on the back of her eyelids.
The world tilts again and she grips the edge of her desk, forcing her eyes open and trying to make her heart stop hammering in her chest.
She glances at her clock and takes a deep, steadying breath. Only one more hour until she can go home.
She turns her attention to the files on her desk in an attempt to make a dent in the amount of work she has to do, but her brain keeps bombarding her with images from her nightmares. Her thoughts swirl around in her head until all she wants to do is cry and she finally throws her pen down, pushing away from her desk.
There's still a half hour left but she can't bear the thought of working anymore, and she yanks open the bottom drawer of her desk, removing her purse to go home.
Simon is in the kitchen when he hears the front door open and he frowns as he glances up at the clock. He hears the familiar sound of April setting her purse on the table by the door and wipes his hands on a dish towel as he steps from the kitchen.
April's flipping disinterestedly through the mail and Simon steps over to her.
"You're home early," he says, slipping his arm around her waist and pressing a kiss to her temple.
"Had a headache," she murmurs, dropping the mail back on the table and pulling away as she bends to pick up her shoes.
"Another one?" Simon asks, frowning.
"It's nothing," April replies, shaking her head as she starts towards the bedroom.
"Obviously it's something if it makes you leave work early," Simon presses, making to follow her.
She turns to face him and he stops short, staring down at her.
"It's nothing, Simon. This week is just really stressful." She smiles, and he thinks it seems forced. "I'm fine, really." She places her hand on his shoulder and stands on her toes to kiss him. "I'm gonna go take a shower, okay?"
Simon nods. "Dinner's almost ready."
She smiles again and disappears into the bedroom, the door shutting behind her with a gentle click.
Simon stares at the closed door for a moment before turning to walk back into the kitchen. He checks the oven and leans against the counter to wait a few more minutes.
For days after the incident with her father April had behaved in a way Simon had never seen before. She jumped every time the phone rang, acted shy and skittish with unfamiliar men, and was very clingy with Simon. He remembers walking to the car one night after dinner and when a ratty old truck drove by on the street, she had gripped his hand so tight that he was surprised to not find bruises the next day.
And then, of course, there were the dreams, nightmares every night that she always woke from crying. He hated seeing her like that, hated being unable to do anything other than hold her when she woke up and try to calm her down. He wanted so desperately to stop the dreams and make her fear go away. He wanted back the April he knew and loved, the one who never seemed to be afraid of anything and who, in fact, seemed to intimidate most of the people around her who didn't know her.
He had suggested a week ago, very carefully, that maybe she ought to see somebody about her dreams.
"I don't need to see anybody," she'd snapped. "What are they going to tell me that I don't already know? This will pass, Simon, it did before and it will again."
He'd dropped the subject right then and there, not wanting to further upset her, and the past few days, it seemed like it was starting to pass. She'd gone two nights without being woken by her dreams and Simon had been starting to think that maybe things were already returning to normal.
He thinks back to yesterday, about her refusal to go to Nathan's for dinner and her irritation when he teased that she enjoyed spending more time with his father than she did with him. He knew it wasn't true, but what was true was that she did love going to his dad's and for her to not want to go set off warning bells in Simon's mind. The last time they'd had to cancel plans to go over there she'd been properly sick, and Simon had to make her stay in bed when she insisted on going anyway.
Simon frowns as he checks the oven again and then pulls out the shepherd's pie, setting it on the stove.
He'd been upset to have to wake her from yet another bad dream last night. He'd hoped so much that they were over and done with, and the fact that she wouldn't tell him what it was about scared him. He doesn't want to think that they could be getting worse.
He moves the casserole to the table and is setting their plates in front of their chairs when April emerges from the bedroom dressed in pajama pants and a faded University of Richmond t-shirt, tousling her wet hair with her fingers.
Simon smiles as she approaches and touches a light kiss to her lips before she sits down.
He's on his second helping when he notices that April's barely started on her first. She's staring at her plate, listlessly pushing her food around with her fork, and Simon watches her for a minute.
"April," he says finally, startling her out of her reverie.
"What?" she says as she looks up at him, her fingers tensing around her fork for just a moment.
"What's wrong?"
She sighs, laying her fork down on her plate with a gentle clink. "I'm just - I'm just tired. I told you, work has just been really stressful lately."
"Can you talk about it?" Simon asks, looking intently at her.
She shakes her head, lowering her eyes to her plate again, and he nods. He knows there are things that she can't always discuss with him and while he accepts this as a fact of her job, he hates when she can't vent her frustrations to him and get some of the weight off of her shoulders.
He can't shake the feeling, however, that whatever's troubling her goes deeper than work, but he knows that pushing her to talk about it won't do any good.
"Would you at least eat something?" Simon asks. "You didn't eat very much last night either."
"I'm just not hungry," she murmurs, and then looks up at him, her brow creasing. "I'm sorry."
"You don't have to apologize," Simon replies, a little bewildered. "If you're not hungry, you're not hungry. It just worries me when you get so stressed you don't eat."
"I had lunch," she says softly, sounding a little defensive, and Simon drops the subject.
They spend the rest of the evening on the couch, watching TV, or in April's case, staring at it but not paying any attention to it.
She slides under the covers when they go to bed a few hours later, turning onto her side and switching off her lamp.
Simon climbs into bed a few minutes later and looks at her for a moment before moving close to her, laying his hand lightly on her arm as he touches a kiss to her shoulder. His fingers drift down her arm as his lips move to her neck and he presses against her.
"Quit," she murmurs, shifting slightly.
Her voice lacks conviction and Simon keeps on. He knows she likes to use sex as a stress reliever, and if she can't talk to him about what's bothering her, maybe this is how he can help her. Not far from his mind is the fact that they haven't made love since the morning of her birthday and while he's been patient and understanding, he's missed being close to her in that sense.
His hand slips under her shirt, his fingers stroking the soft skin of her stomach as they slide up towards her breasts, and she makes an irritated noise.
"I said stop," she says, shifting away from him and pulling his hand from her shirt.
He frowns down at her and she glances at him.
"What, are you going to pout now because I'm depriving you of sex for maybe the fifth time ever?" she says, her brow creasing.
"I'm not pouting," Simon replies, his frown deepening. "I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with you lately."
She turns over onto her back and gives him a disbelieving look.
"I won't have sex with you, so something's wrong with me?"
Simon shakes his head impatiently. "That's not what I mean. It was starting to seem like you were getting back to normal, after that whole mess with your dad, but the last couple of days you've been all distant and withdrawn again."
Hurt flashes across April's face. "I'm sorry if I'm not getting over this fast enough for you."
"Damn it, April," Simon says, frustrated, "that's not what I meant."
"Just leave me alone, Simon," April mutters, rolling back onto her side and tugging the covers up to her chest. Her legs shift under the sheets and he knows she's pulling them in tight against her body. The message couldn't be any clearer if she were to post a sign on the wall as well.
Simon looks at her for a minute before sighing and moving back to his side of the bed, reaching up and snapping his lamp off before flopping against his pillow.
A few hours later, with a kind of disheartening predictability, she's trembling in his arms, tears streaming down her face as he lightly rubs her back.
He presses his lips to the top of her head and shuts his eyes tight, desperately wishing he knew how to make this stop.
"I don't remember the last time I gave you lunch money," Nathan says the next day, smiling bemusedly as he pulls a ten dollar bill from his wallet and hands it to Simon.
"I'll pay you back," Simon replies as he stuffs the money into his pocket.
Nathan waves a hand as he slips his wallet back into his pocket before settling in his chair once more. "Don't worry about it."
Simon sighs and drops into a chair in front of his father's desk, frowning lightly as he rubs his cheek. "I can't believe I left my wallet at home."
"I can't either, honestly," Nathan says, leaning back in his seat and watching Simon contemplatively. "You don't usually forget things like that."
Simon hesitates for a minute and then leans forward in his chair, running a hand through his hair.
"It's April. She's been acting so strange lately. I thought she was starting to get past all that stuff with her dad, but the past couple of days it's like she's regressed two weeks or something."
"I've noticed it too," Nathan murmurs, and frowns slightly. There's a tug somewhere deep in his mind, like he's forgotten something important, but it doesn't come to him.
"We had a little argument last night, and now I'm wondering if I've done something and just didn't realize it," Simon says, raising his eyebrows a little. "I have no idea what it could've been though."
"The mind is a funny place," Nathan says, his shoulders rising in a small shrug. "Maybe something set her off," he continues, and then frowns again.
He remembers running into April in the hall the day before and knocking the folders from her arms. He'd apologized as he helped pick up the papers, asking if she was feeling any better, and had been a little surprised when she didn't respond, her expression preoccupied as he looked at her. He stood when everything was back in order, holding his hand out to help her to her feet, and her reaction when he extended his hand had startled him. She'd actually cringed, almost as though she was afraid he was going to hurt her. She scurried off before he could say anything else to her, and he'd stared after her for a moment, confusion and worry gnawing at him as he contemplated going to talk to her before remembering he had another meeting to get to.
Simon sighs again, resting his chin in his hand. "I just wish I knew how to fix this."
"You can't fix it, Simon," Nathan says gently, shaking his head. "You just have to be there for her."
"Yeah," Simon mutters. "She's still having nightmares. Wakes up crying and shaking, and all I can do is hold her until she calms down. I'm supposed to be the one protecting her, but I can't protect her from this." He scowls. "It makes me feel so fucking helpless."
"I know," Nathan replies quietly.
Simon sighs once more before pushing to his feet.
"I'll talk to you later, Dad," he says as he starts for the door. "And thanks for the money."
"Any time," Nathan murmurs, watching as Simon steps from the office.
He still feels like there's something he's forgetting, or maybe something he's supposed to have done, but once again it doesn't come to him and he frowns as he turns his attention to the messages stacked on top of his blotter.
April doesn't look up when Sam enters her office and he watches her quietly for a moment.
She hasn't quite seemed herself since the incident with her father, but Sam can't help noticing that she looks worse today than she has in the past few weeks. He can't quite put his finger on what's different, exactly, but he knows there's something wrong with her and it worries him.
He clears his throat and she looks up sharply. For just a split second she looks anxious and wary, almost afraid, and Sam's worry increases. Her expression relaxes when she sees that it's him, but there's still a tension to her body in the way she's sitting in her chair.
"Hey," he says, smiling gently at her.
"Hey," she replies, flashing him a smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes.
"Haven't seen much of you the past couple of days," Sam says, slipping his hands into his pockets as he watches her closely.
"Just been - been busy." She runs a hand through her hair and gestures vaguely towards her desk. Sam's eyes roam over the stacks of files and reports before his gaze returns to her face.
"There is such a thing as working too hard," he says softly.
"Yeah, well, it keeps multiplying. Like these stupid files are rabbits that just won't stop shagging."
Sam laughs softly and a ghostly grin flickers across April's face.
"Oh," Sam says suddenly, "while I'm thinking about it, have you got the notes from the last meeting between Harrison and the security council? Harrison said you had them, I just wanted to read them over before the next meeting."
Sam is startled at the way April pales as she looks from his face to the stacks of paper on her desk.
"I don't -" She frowns, obviously trying to remember where they are, and Sam is even more surprised to see tears shine suddenly in her eyes.
She stands and begins rifling through the stacks of paper on her desk, her search becoming more and more frantic.
She turns towards the filing cabinet and Sam steps over to her, frowning at her evident distress.
"April, calm down," he says, gently taking hold of her arms and pulling her away from the metal cabinet.
"I'm sorry," she says quickly, her eyes darting from his face back to the cabinet. "I'll find them, I will."
"Why are you apologizing?" Sam asks, bewildered. "I don't need them right now, or even today; the meeting's not until next week. And it's not as though the copy you have is the only one that exists." He pauses, angling his head to see her face. "It's okay, April."
She takes a shaky breath and Sam lets go of her arms, still staring intently at her as he moves back a step.
He's on the verge of asking what's wrong when she takes another breath, her mouth open to speak.
"Sam?" she says softly, her eyes trained on a spot just to the side of his left knee.
"Yes?" he replies, his brow creasing once more.
She hesitates a moment, and then looks up at him. "Do you think I'm stupid?" she asks, very quietly.
Sam stares at her a moment, too shocked to immediately reply. She lowers her eyes and as she starts to turn away, he realizes she's mistaken his silence.
"No, April, no," he says quickly, reaching for her arm and pulling her back around to face him. "Of course I don't think you're stupid, where on Earth did you get an idea like that?"
She looks for a minute like she wants to say something, and then lowers her gaze to the floor.
"April -"
"It's - it's nothing," she says, shaking her head. "I've just been feeling a bit spacey from working so much -"
"April -" Sam begins again, not buying her excuse.
"It's nothing," she repeats, giving him a look so reminiscent of her usual self that he drops the subject.
"I have to get back to work," she says, sighing and stepping away.
"No," Sam says, glancing at his watch.
She turns to look at him, raising her eyebrows. "What do you mean, ‘no'?"
"I mean, it's almost one o'clock and I'd wager a large sum of money that you haven't eaten lunch yet. As luck or fate or possibly just poor time management skills would have it, neither have I. So you'll come eat with me."
"Sam -"
"I'm not really giving you a choice here," he says, arching an eyebrow at her.
"Sam, I still have so much work to do," she says, glancing back at her desk.
He steps forward and slips one arm around her shoulders, placing his other hand on her arm and guiding her bodily from her desk.
"You need to eat," he says firmly. "And I won't hear any more arguing on the subject," he adds when April opens her mouth to protest again.
April's mouth relaxes into a resigned smile and she allows Sam to lead her from the room.
Nathan enters Sam's office just after six o'clock and steps over to his desk, dropping the heavy law book in his hands onto the polished wooden surface and grinning when Sam jumps.
Sam raises his eyes to Nathan's face, arching an eyebrow as he stares at him.
"How old are you again?" Sam asks wryly. "Twelve?"
"Can't resist a good jump scare," Nathan says, his grin widening as he settles into one of the chairs in front of Sam's desk.
Sam turns his eyes back to the document in front of him, the corner of his mouth rising as he scribbles down a few more notes.
Nathan tips his chair back, lifting his feet onto Sam's desk and nudging the book with the side of his shoe as he crosses his legs at his ankles.
"What do you need that for?"
"Bed time reading," Sam replies absently, and then glances up at Nathan. "Get your feet off my desk," he adds, frowning.
Nathan sighs and lowers his feet to the floor, tipping his chair forward with a dull thud.
"What's wrong with you?" he asks as he leans forward, his eyes on Sam.
Sam doesn't reply right away, frowning slightly as he continues to write, and Nathan stares at him for a moment before he takes a breath.
"It's April," Sam says before Nathan can speak. He sets his pen down and looks at Nathan, his brow furrowed contemplatively.
"What about her?" Nathan asks, feeling that damnable nagging tug in his mind again.
"I went by her office today, just to talk to her, and asked if she had the notes from the last security meeting, and she just... she couldn't find them and nearly broke down crying. And then she apologized, like she'd done something wrong."
A creeping sense of unease sweeps suddenly over Nathan and he shifts uncomfortably in his chair.
Sam's frown deepens. "And then she asked if I thought she was stupid, and all I could do was stare at her because it was just so absurd - Nathan?"
Nathan's eyes are closed and he suddenly feels like he wants to vomit.
"Nathan, what's wrong?"
"I've done -" Nathan starts, and then leans forward in his seat, pressing a hand to his mouth. "I've done something terrible."
"What do you mean?"
"To April, oh God," Nathan says, pushing up out of his chair.
"To April?" Sam repeats, watching as Nathan begins to pace in front of the desk. "What did you do?"
Nathan doesn't answer and Sam's eyes narrow as he stands, bracing his hands on his desk. "Nathan, what the fuck did you do?"
Nathan winces; Sam swears so infrequently that for him to do it now is a clear indicator of his anger, but Nathan can't answer because he's suddenly so ashamed of himself.
"Nathan," Sam says, his voice low and hard.
"I - she - we had a little argument the other day," Nathan murmurs, pressing his fingers to his forehead as he paces. "I gave her the Fischer file to read over and I needed it for that meeting, and she misplaced it. She found it and brought it to me in time, but I was just... I was so fucking stressed about that god damn meeting and I lost my temper with her."
"What do you mean, you lost your temper?" Sam asks, and Nathan can feel his gaze boring into him.
"I - I called her stupid," Nathan says, very quietly, and an oppressive silence falls over the room.
Nathan dares a glance at Sam. His friend is staring at him, mouth open slightly, seemingly at a loss for words.
"A file," Sam says finally, his voice soft and disbelieving. "A file. You called her stupid over a fucking file?" He stares at Nathan like he's never seen him before. "What the hell is wrong with you, Nathan?"
"I don't know!" Nathan replies, resuming his pacing. "I wasn't thinking -"
"Clearly!"
Nathan sighs, turning away from Sam and wishing he would get that look off his face.
"Three weeks ago that would've just rolled right off her back - hell, three weeks ago she probably would've told you to fuck off - but after all of that mess with her dad, and after what Simon told you, and what you told me... all of the vile things her father used to say to her... how could you say something like that to her?"
"I don't know!" Nathan shouts, rounding on Sam. "I just - I'm an idiot, I'm a fucking asshole, and - and I have to fix this."
Nathan starts for the door and Sam calls after him.
"It's after six, Nathan; April's probably already gone home."
Nathan just holds up his hand as he steps out into the hallway, the door snapping shut behind him.
Simon looks over at April as she silences her phone mid-ring for the sixth time in almost two hours. The beginning chime of her ringtone is starting to grate and he closes his eyes for a moment when it starts again, only for her to cut it off shortly after.
"April," he says after a beat of silence, "who do you keep ignoring?"
"Nobody," she says, staring absently at the TV. Her mouth is set in a hard line and her eyes flick back to her phone when it rings again, glancing at the display before jabbing the button on the side.
"Is it somebody pranking you again?"
"No," she murmurs.
Simon feels a chill as another thought occurs to him. "Is it your dad?"
April glances at him, a small frown creasing her brow as she shakes her head.
The ring starts again and Simon feels his patience snap. He reaches for April, taking hold of her wrist with one hand and snatching the phone from her fingers with the other.
"Simon!" she exclaims, reaching for him as he stands.
He turns away from her, flipping open her phone and pulling up the recent calls. He frowns and spins back to face April.
"Dad's called you nine times in the past hour and a half? April, what the hell is going on?"
Her phone rings again and Simon flips it open, pressing it to his ear.
"April -" Nathan begins, sounding both relieved and anxious.
"Dad, stop calling," Simon says before snapping the phone shut.
He sits back down beside April, placing her phone on the coffee table before turning to face her.
"Why is Dad calling you so much, and why don't you want to talk to him?"
"Simon -" April begins as she starts to push herself to her feet.
"No, April," Simon says, reaching for her and pulling her back down. "I have been trying so hard to be patient and understanding, but this involves my dad. You have to tell me what's wrong."
April lowers her gaze to her hands and as Simon watches, tears dot the front of her t-shirt.
He frowns and reaches for her, gently taking her face in his hands and tilting her head up.
"Tell me what's wrong," he says again, carefully sweeping his thumbs under her eyes.
She takes a breath and finally tells him about her and Nathan's fight, and what he said.
Simon stares at her when she finishes, unable to fully comprehend what he just heard.
"Dad called you stupid because you misplaced a - a file?"
April nods miserably and Simon's hands fall into his lap.
"I don't believe this," he mutters, and then looks back at April. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"Because - because I knew it would upset you -"
"Of course it upsets me, April!" he says loudly, and then mentally kicks himself when she flinches.
"I'm sorry," he says quickly, taking her hands in his. "I'm not mad at you, I just - I can't believe he did that."
April lowers her head and Simon stares at her for a moment, a thought occurring to him and twisting his stomach.
"That's why you've been having nightmares again, isn't it," he says softly, stating it like a fact because he knows it's true, but he needs to hear her confirm it.
April nods again, sniffling and wiping her nose on her sleeve.
"It wasn't - it wasn't just what he said," she whispers, "it was the way he said it. He was so mad... my - my dad used to get so mad over little things like that, and to see Nathan like that, it - it scared me."
A fresh wave of anger surges through Simon and he stands abruptly, startling April.
"I'm going over there," he says.
"No, Simon, please," April says, grabbing his hand. He hears the tremor in her voice and looks down at her. "Please, stay here with me."
He stares at her tear-stained cheeks, feels how tight she's gripping his hand, and knows that she needs him right now.
He sinks back down beside her and takes her face in his hands again, pressing his lips to her forehead before he pulls her into a tight hug.
She goes to bed early, like she's been doing the past couple of nights, and Simon goes with her, though he's not the least bit tired.
April curls into his side as he sits against his pillows, her arm wrapped firmly around his waist, and he lightly strokes her skin as he rests his head against the wall, staring at the ceiling. He's still seething, wondering how his dad could be so careless, and he feels another twist in his gut when he thinks that the reason April has been so fearful and so nervous the past couple of days is because of something his dad did.
Two hours later, like clockwork, Simon is gently shaking April awake, pulling her from yet another nightmare. He doesn't ask what this one is about.
He lies down with her and holds her, rubbing her back with one hand while he gently strokes her hair with the other, whispering over and over that he's got her, that she's safe, that she's okay.
He waits until he's sure she's asleep again before carefully pulling her arms from around him, shifting her over and laying her gently down. He knows she's not likely to wake again and he's too angry to go any longer without confronting his father about this.
He dresses quietly in his clothes from earlier and grabs his phone from his bedside table, slipping it into his pocket as he turns his gaze to April. He watches her sleep for a moment before kneeling carefully on the bed, gently brushing her hair from her face as he leans to press a soft kiss to her temple.
A short while later he's on Nathan's front porch, waiting impatiently for his father to open the door.
He's debating whether to ring the doorbell again or just bang his fist against the thick wood when the door swings open and Nathan looks out at him.
"Simon -" he starts, but doesn't get out any more as Simon steps forward suddenly, placing his hands to his father's chest and shoving him hard.
"What the hell, Dad?" Simon exclaims, stepping into the house and slamming the door as Nathan stumbles back.
Nathan holds up his hand, staring warily at his son. "Just let me explain -"
"Let you explain? What the hell explanation could you possibly have?"
"I'm sorry, Simon!" Nathan shouts. "Jesus Christ, do you think I don't feel like shit for what I did?"
Simon takes a deep breath through his nose, his hands firmly on his hips as he tries to bring himself under control.
"Come into the kitchen," Nathan says quietly after a minute, and turns away without waiting for Simon to reply.
Simon stares after him for a moment and then follows. When he enters, Nathan is busy setting the coffee pot to brew; when he finishes he turns towards Simon, gesturing towards the island.
"Have a seat," he murmurs.
"I don't want to sit down," Simon snaps, folding his arms tightly over his chest.
"Simon, I'm sorry," Nathan sighs, slipping his hands into the pockets of his sweatpants.
"I'm not the one you need to be apologizing to."
"I know that, but you're the one who's here. Clearly April doesn't want to talk to me -"
"Can you blame her?" Simon interrupts, staring incredulously at Nathan.
"No, I can't," Nathan says quietly.
Simon unfolds his arms and runs a hand through his hair, turning agitatedly on his heel before spinning back around to look at Nathan.
"How could you do it, Dad?" Simon shakes his head. "Do you have any idea how it feels to have to wake my girlfriend up every night from nightmares, nightmares that I thought were over, only to find out that my own father is the one who made them start up again?"
Nathan winces and shuts his eyes, lowering his head for a minute.
"I just can't believe that you would call her stupid for losing a god damn file."
"It was an important -"
"Oh, don't you fucking dare try to justify this," Simon says, pointing an angry finger at his father.
"I'm not trying to justify it, I just... you know how I can get sometimes."
"Yeah, Dad, I do. I know from experience what a right bastard you can be," Simon replies, raising his eyebrows. "But she doesn't. I don't know how the hell you've managed to hide it from her for six years, but you picked a shitty time to show off that side of you."
"I know, Simon, I know I have the worst timing in the world. I just - I wasn't thinking. I was so stressed about that fucking meeting, and I lost control. I know I hurt her, and I know I hurt you too."
"Don't waste one minute worrying about me," Simon says. "Worry about her."
"I am worried about her," Nathan murmurs as the coffee pot beeps.
Nathan turns towards the cupboards and pulls out two mugs, filling each of them with coffee before approaching the island and sliding one across the counter towards Simon.
They sip in silence for a moment, neither of them looking at the other, and then Simon sets his mug down.
"She trusts you, Dad. She's never said as much to me, but I know she thinks of you like a father. Anything is better than the one she has."
"I know," Nathan replies softly.
"So how could you forget that?" Simon asks, staring desperately at his father, trying to understand. "Even for just a minute? How could you forget how much she relies on you, how much she trusts you, how much she loves you? How could you, even for just a minute, remind her of Garrett fucking Newcastle and everything he ever did to her, when it's still so fresh in her mind?"
Nathan looks down suddenly, pulling his glasses off and running a hand down his face. When he looks back up at Simon, his eyes are bright.
"I'm sorry," he says, his voice wavering just slightly. "I don't know what else to say. I want to talk to her; I want to apologize to her, even if she won't forgive me. Will you please just tell her that? Tell her that I'm sorry?"
"I'll tell her," Simon murmurs, nodding as he takes a sip of his coffee. "But you're going to tell her too."
"If she'll let me," Nathan says, sighing and staring moodily into his mug.
"I'll talk to her," Simon replies, sighing as well and taking one more sip of his coffee before setting the mug back on the counter. "I should get back home. It's late."
Nathan nods and walks with Simon to the front door.
"I really am sorry," he murmurs as Simon pulls open the door. "For hurting you too."
Simon contemplates him for a moment and then takes a breath.
"I'll forgive you when she does."
"I can't believe you went over there last night," April says, shoving the filing cabinet drawer shut hard enough to make the whole thing rattle. She turns to face Simon, glaring at him.
"April, I couldn't - I couldn't just leave it alone," Simon replies from where he's perched on the edge of her desk. "It's hard being stuck in the middle of you and Dad. Usually you guys are mad at me for something, not at each other."
April gives him a look and leans against the cabinet, folding her arms over her chest.
"What do you want me to do, Simon?"
"Talk to him, April. He wants to apologize."
April looks away and doesn't reply.
"He was really upset last night," Simon says quietly. "He - he almost cried. I haven't seen him this guilty in a long time."
April looks at Simon, chewing her bottom lip as her eyebrows knit together.
"Look," Simon sighs after a minute, "you don't have to talk to him if you don't want to. I'm not going to force you. But I really wish that you would."
Simon slips off the desk and steps over to April, placing his hand lightly on her arm as he touches a kiss to her lips.
"I have to clock in. I'll see you later."
April watches him leave her office, chewing her bottom lip again as he disappears from view.
It's later that afternoon that April steps quietly into Nathan's office and stands just inside the doorway.
He doesn't notice her right away, his eyes on a double picture frame on his desk. April knows that one half contains a picture of Emily and on the other half is a picture of Simon and herself.
The fingers of one hand are pressed against his lips and his eyes are so sad, sadder than April's ever seen; she can already feel some of her hurt and anger starting to melt away as she looks at him.
Nathan looks up suddenly and is so startled to see April that he rocks back in his chair, very nearly tipping it over. He grips the edge of his desk to keep himself from spilling to the floor and as he regains his balance, he hears April giggle softly. It's the best sound he's heard in days.
He stands and steps around the desk, stopping a few feet away from April.
"Hi," he says, resisting the sudden urge to pull her into a hug.
"Hey," she replies softly, the tiniest of smiles flickering over her face.
Nathan moves to grasp the door, starting to push it closed before thinking that he should see if it's okay with April. He doesn't want her to be uncomfortable.
"Can I?" he asks.
She hesitates for just a moment before nodding, but it's long enough to make his heart ache.
He shuts the door and turns to face her, slipping his hands into his pockets.
"Simon - Simon said you wanted to talk," she murmurs, crossing her arms over her chest.
Nathan nods, tilting his head to one side as he looks at her. "April, I am so sorry for what I said. I was an idiot, and I wasn't thinking, and I let stress take over, and unfortunately you suffered as a result of it."
He starts to move towards her and though she doesn't move away, her arms tighten across her chest and he stops in his tracks.
"You scared me, Nathan," she says, her eyes rising to his face. "I've seen you angry before, but I've never seen you so mean."
Nathan laughs humorlessly, shaking his head. "I never wanted you to see that side of me. It's one of those things that sort of... carried over from - from before." He pauses, lowering his gaze to the floor for a moment. His eyes land on April's shoes and he smiles when he notices they're a dusky rose color, matching her earrings and necklace.
"I was a mean drunk," he continues, looking back at April's face. "Simon and Emily suffered on account of that. There are things I said to them, things I did, that I wish I could take back." He pauses and takes a breath, tamping down the old guilt. "Ever since I got sober, I've tried to control my emotions, but sometimes that mean side of me comes out. Usually it's around Harrison and Sam, and they're so used to my bullshit by now that they just ignore me, and I've stopped apologizing for it because they don't care. And that's why I didn't apologize to you, because I just... I didn't think. It happened and then I just forgot about it, like I always do, but you're not Harrison or Sam, and you're not used to that side of me."
Nathan stops and sighs, moving to lean against his desk, folding his arms over his chest.
"You know," April says, her mouth twisting into a small smile, "any other time I would've called you on it. But with what happened with - with my dad, all I could think was -" She hesitates and takes a shaky breath. "I wondered if you were really so different from him," she says, her eyes shining as she looks up.
Nathan winces, his heart clenching in his chest.
"I'm sorry for making you feel that way, April. Even before the incident on your birthday, I knew enough about your father from things you and Simon had told me to know that I never wanted you to feel that way around me. I've tried so hard to not be the same shitty father I used to be, for both you and Simon, and then I picked the worst time in the world to show you that dark side of me." He pauses and looks down at his crossed arms. "Maybe I really am no better than your father."
"No," April says quickly, her voice hard as she moves forward, her arms falling to her sides. "You - you are nothing like him, Nathan. The fact that you're apologizing to me right now already sets you so far apart from him." She pauses, considering him for a moment. "What you said that night, that you were more of a father to me than he ever was... it's true."
"I never wanted to hurt you like that," Nathan says softly.
He watches as April steps over to the desk, mimicking his stance she leans against the desk, crossing her legs at her ankles and resting her hands in her lap.
"I know," she replies, just as softly.
They're silent a moment and then April shifts, taking a breath to speak.
"You mentioned your dark side. Simon said that too, after that awful fight we had a few years back, that he had this darkness inside of him."
Nathan nods and smirks. "Simon and I are so alike it ought to be illegal." He pauses. "I'm checking into it."
April laughs softly and bumps Nathan's arm with her shoulder. She doesn't move away, leaning lightly against him, and after a minute his arm rises to slip around her shoulders. He pulls her in close, pressing a kiss to her temple. April's head drops gently onto Nathan's shoulder and they sit quietly for a moment until Nathan glances down at her hands.
"What happened to your finger?" he asks, reaching for her hand.
"It's nothing," April murmurs, and then he remembers.
"Oh," he says softly. "I did that."
"Don't worry -" April begins and then stops when Nathan raises her hand to his mouth, placing a gentle kiss on her finger.
"Better?" he asks, glancing over at her.
She looks at him for a moment, the corner of her mouth turned slightly upward, and then she pushes off the desk and turns towards him, wrapping both arms around his middle and hugging him tightly, laying her head against his chest. He hugs her back just as tightly, closing his eyes against the tears that suddenly sting and dropping a kiss to the top of her head.
"I really am sorry, April," he murmurs against her hair.
He feels her nod. "I know."
"Can you ever forgive me?"
She pulls back a little and shakes her head slightly as she looks at him, the corner of her mouth rising.
"I forgave you the second I stepped in here and saw how upset you were over this."
Nathan smiles and raises a hand to tuck her hair behind her ear before pressing a kiss to her forehead.
She leans into him again and he rests his chin on top of her head, his smile widening as he closes his eyes and tightens his grip on her.
Author: Mary (stillxmyxheart)
Beta: Lindsay (nylana)
Rating: R (language)
Genre: Angst, Drama
Word Count: 10,171
Characters/Pairings: April, Nathan, Simon, Sam (April/Simon)
Summary: Some wounds never heal.
A/N: This is an idea the braintwin and I have been batting back and forth for a little while now, and I finally decided it needed to be written. Apparently Lindsay and I seem to be trying to outdo each other with each new bucket of angst we produce, so this is now officially the longest apoca!fic yet XD What can I say, the Gates family just angsts so well.
Stupid. Worthless. A mistake.
For most of her childhood April Newcastle heard these words every day from her father. She was stupid for every B on her report card. She was worthless when dinner wasn't ready the second her father walked through the door.
She was always a mistake.
The only day she remembers not hearing those words from him is the day he left, sneaking out like a coward while April was at school and her mother was at work. April hadn't even known anything was different until her mother came home to discover that everything of Garrett's was gone.
She blamed April.
April struggled with the pain of those words for years, lived with the constant feeling of never being good enough, never being smart enough, always afraid of being a disappointment.
It wasn't until college that she finally started to think that maybe she was good enough and was smart enough. Her professors seemed to dote on her, making her feel clever and useful, as if her thoughts and opinions actually mattered.
And then there was a boy named Michael who brought up all of those bad feelings again, who hurt her with his words and hands, and when she was finally free of him she made a promise to herself to never let somebody do that to her again.
Two and a half weeks ago he came back, the only man who could ever make her feel like she was nothing, and she discovered that those words still held power over her.
She still struggles with the pain.
April's just arrived at work for the day and is settling behind her desk when Nathan steps into her office.
"You're late," he mutters, frowning lightly at her.
April glances at her clock and gives him a look. "By less than five minutes."
"Late is late," he replies, returning her look.
"So dock my pay," April says, rolling her eyes as she tugs her phone from her purse and places it on her desk.
Nathan's frown deepens. "I need the Fischer file, the meeting's today," he says as April leans down to drop her purse into the bottom drawer of her desk.
April straightens and eyes the stacks of files and reports that cover the surface of her desk.
"I don't know where it is right this minute, but I'll find it."
Nathan blows out an annoyed puff of air and raises his hand to rub the back of his neck.
"Please do. The meeting's at two. This is important, April," he adds, raising his eyebrows at her.
"I know that, Nathan, you don't have to remind me," she replies, frowning slightly.
Nathan sighs again and turns to leave, muttering, "Just find it," as he strides from the office.
"Do you have the Fischer file yet?" Nathan asks, looking harried as he steps into April's office again a few hours later.
April glances up from the stack of files she's frantically searching through, hating what she's about to say.
"I can't - I can't seem to find it," she says apologetically.
Nathan stares at her. "I asked you for that file first thing this morning, and you still haven't found it?" he says incredulously. "I gave it to you to read over, April, not lose in the untamed wilds of your desk."
"Calm down, Nathan," April says, raising her eyebrows at him. "I'll find it. Your meeting's not until two, it's barely noon now."
"Without that file, there is no meeting," he snaps, "and this entire project goes straight to hell." He sighs again, running a hand down his face before pointing a finger at April. "Find it."
"I will," April replies shortly, annoyance flashing through her as Nathan turns on his heel and stalks from the room.
It's approaching two o'clock when April steps into Nathan's office, holding the file aloft in her hand.
"About damn time." Nathan rises from his chair and steps over to her, snatching the folder from her. She's not expecting it and doesn't let go right away, and the edge of one of the pieces of paper inside slices across her finger, making her gasp.
"Meeting's in ten minutes," Nathan adds irritably as he glances at his watch, appearing not to hear her gasp.
"I told you I'd find it," April says, frowning as she peers at her cut before sticking her finger in her mouth, glaring at Nathan.
"Do you have any idea how important this is?" he says.
"Of course I do. It's not like I misplaced it on purpose, Nathan. I told you I would find it," April says again, her eyebrows knitting together as her hand falls to her side.
"Well, you wouldn't have had to find it if you hadn't lost it in the first place. Honestly, April, how stupid do you have to be to not be able to keep track of one file?"
April's stomach twists uncomfortably as she watches Nathan yank his suit jacket off the back of his chair.
"I'm not stupid," she says quietly.
"Could've fooled me," Nathan replies nastily as he shrugs the jacket on. He yanks open the top drawer of his desk and pulls out his phone, slipping it into the inside pocket of his jacket and then slamming the drawer shut. The crash of wood on wood is like a gunshot and April jumps. Nathan doesn't look at her as he reaches for a couple of reports stacked beside his monitor and there's a tight feeling in her chest, squeezing her heart like a vise.
"I'm sorry," she says in a small voice. The tightness rises to her throat and she suddenly feels like she's a little girl again.
"Like I haven't heard that before," Nathan says snidely, shaking his head minutely as he tucks the reports under his arm. "Don't let it happen again," he adds as he starts towards the door, flipping through the file again. He brushes past April without a glance in her direction, his eyes on the contents of the file, and as he passes she hears him mutter, "Idiot."
He leaves and she stands still a moment, staring blankly at his desk, her mouth open slightly. The room blurs and she gasps, turning her gaze to the floor as tears fall from her eyes.
Her knees suddenly feel weak and she sinks into a chair, pressing her fingers to her lips.
Nathan's been snippy with her for the past couple of days and she had chalked it down to stress, but he's never spoken to her that way before, no matter how stressed he is or how bad his day is going.
She wonders what she did wrong, what else she might have done to upset him, but can think of nothing she's done to make him suddenly turn on her.
She pushes abruptly to her feet, swiping at her eyes as she strides from the room. She settles behind her desk in an attempt to keep working, but an hour later realizes she's done nothing except fight back tears as she stares at the surface of her desk, and knows it's hopeless.
She gathers her things together and tells an astonished Laurie that she's not feeling well before she heads for her car to go home.
She quietly shuts the door when she steps inside; she knows Simon's only been home for a few hours and she doesn't want to disturb him.
The bedroom is darker than it normally would be at this time of day on account of the heavy curtains on the windows, drawn tight against the mid afternoon sunlight, and April can't help smiling when she sees Simon.
He's sound asleep, sprawled across the bed like a long limbed starfish, one arm hanging over the edge of the mattress while the other is curled around her pillow. The blanket is already half off the bed and the top sheet is tangled around his waist; she can see the toes of one exposed foot hanging over the end of the bed from where he's tugged the sheet loose, and she knows that it too will soon be on the floor.
April glances down and sighs as she snatches Simon's pants up off the floor, finding his work shirt and tie under the blanket. Most of the time he's good about putting his clothes in the hamper, but she supposes he must have been too tired to think about it, remembering that he worked a double shift to cover for another agent.
She moves into the bathroom, tugging his belt from the loops on his trousers and checking the pockets before she drops the pants into the hamper along with his shirt and tie. Her own clothes follow soon after as she changes into something more comfortable before stepping from the bathroom. She hangs his belt up in the closet and quietly leaves the room.
Her phone is ringing as she gently shuts the door behind her and she hurries over to her purse, pulling it out just as the ringer shuts off. She presses the button to turn on the display and stares at the notification.
One missed call: Nathan (Work).
She chews on her bottom lip for a moment and then frowns when the voicemail notification appears. She hesitates and then dials into it, raising the phone to her ear.
"April, it's Nathan. Laurie said you went home sick; will you be in tomorrow? Call me."
He still sounds irritated and the fact that he didn't ask how she was is not lost on her.
She deletes the message and stares contemplatively at her phone, running her thumb over the buttons before dropping it back into her purse.
She walks over to the couch and sits down, tucking one leg underneath her as she leans against the arm rest.
It's only been two and a half weeks since her birthday and the unexpected reappearance of her father, and her mind is still heavy with the weight of all the memories she's kept locked away for so long. Nights have been the worst, when her subconscious brings forth those memories and twists them into dreams. More than once Simon has had to wake her, pulling her from her nightmares and holding her until she's able to go back to sleep. The worst one was a few nights after the party, when she woke up but still felt trapped within her dream and fought against Simon so hard that she shoved him off the bed. It wasn't until she saw him on the floor, his expression bewildered and concerned, that she realized he was Simon and not her father, and that she was safe in her bed. She broke down sobbing, apologizing profusely, and Simon picked himself up off the floor, insisting she didn't need to be sorry. He seemed wary to touch her as he sat back down on the bed, perhaps afraid of setting her off again, until she reached for him, wrapping her arms around his neck and clinging to him as she cried. He held her until she fell asleep and when she awoke the next morning, he was still holding her.
April sighs and pulls her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around her legs. She thinks back to what Nathan said earlier and her heart aches again with fresh hurt. He's always been so sweet with her, has always seemed so keen to make her smile or laugh, but she'd seen a different side to him this afternoon, a mean, hurtful side that she's never seen before. Part of her wonders if Nathan is really so different from her father.
It's just after six when Simon emerges from the bedroom, yawning as he runs a hand through his sleep mussed hair, absently scratching his stomach with the other. He's dressed in his white undershirt and black boxers, furthering April's belief that he undressed just enough to collapse into bed when he got home.
"Did you fix the sheets?" she asks, lowering her feet to the floor.
"I will," he promises as he moves towards her, bending to drop a kiss to her lips.
"What do you want for dinner?" she asks, resting her elbow on her thigh and propping her chin in her hand as she watches Simon amble to the kitchen.
"We're going to Dad's for dinner," he replies, tossing a frown over his shoulder. "Did you forget?"
April freezes as Simon disappears into the kitchen. She had forgotten, and Nathan's house is the last place she wants to be tonight.
"I don't think I want to go," she calls, and when Simon reappears, his frown is deeper.
"What do you mean, you don't want to go?" he asks as he moves to sit in the armchair next to the couch, propping his feet up on the coffee table. He's got a banana in one hand and a bottle of juice in the other. "You love going to Dad's. Sometimes I think you like spending time with him more than you do with me." He grins and twists open his juice, tossing back a swallow.
"No, I don't," April says irritably as she pushes to her feet. "And I don't want to go."
She starts to move past Simon and he quickly sets his juice and banana down as he stands, taking hold of her arm before she can get too far away from him.
"I was just kidding, April," he says, looking down at her, his expression worried. "What's wrong? Why don't you want to go?"
April looks down at her hands, unsure if she wants to tell Simon the truth. The last thing she wants to do is upset him.
"I just - I don't feel good," she says finally, which isn't a total lie.
"Are you getting sick?" Simon asks, pressing the back of his hand to her forehead.
She can't help smiling at his concern and she shakes her head.
"Just a bad headache, I think," she murmurs.
"Why don't you go lie down for a while?" he suggests, carefully running his fingers through her hair. "I'll call Dad and tell him we're not coming, and figure something out for dinner."
April nods; the thought of lying in the darkened bedroom is very appealing at the moment.
"Fix the sheets first," she says, raising her eyebrows at Simon.
He grins and presses a kiss to her forehead before he follows her into the bedroom.
She helps him make the bed and then slips under the covers as he steps over to his dresser to pull out a clean pair of jeans.
He leans down to touch another kiss to her forehead before grabbing his phone from his bedside table and leaving the room.
Two hours later Simon's on the edge of the bed, his arms around April as she comes down from another bad dream. Tears stream down her cheeks as she holds him tightly, pressing against his chest and trying to catch her breath as he strokes her hair.
He asks softly what this one was about and she just shakes her head because it's one of the same ones she's been having. She can still hear the angry voice in her head, calling her an idiot, calling her stupid, can hear the footsteps behind her and see the shadow standing over her.
She presses closer to Simon, clutching his shirt in her fingers; she snags her cut on the fabric, and gasps softly as pain shoots through her hand. Suddenly she's back in that moment earlier that day, and fresh tears fill her eyes as she realizes it's not her father's voice still ringing in her ears, calling her names, and it's not his shadow looming over her, trying to hurt her.
It's Nathan's.
She goes into work the next morning, assuring Simon that she's fine and doesn't need to take the day off, even though she'd like nothing better than to do just that. But there are too many important meetings she has to attend and too much work that has to be done.
She's able to successfully avoid Nathan all day, sitting far from him in their shared meetings and asking Laurie to buy her lunch for her, eating at her desk as she works.
She's heading back to her desk after her final meeting of the day, flipping through a report in her hands and not paying attention to where she's walking, when she runs into somebody as she rounds a corner. It's a hard hit and she stumbles backward, bracing herself against the wall as the report slips from her hands along with the bundle of files tucked under her arm.
She falls to her knees and shuffles the papers back into their folders, not noticing who's helping her until she looks up as the other person straightens. Nathan's standing over her and the world spins slightly as she stares up at him. The images from her dream collide with reality and when he extends a hand towards her she cringes, thinking he's going to hit her.
His hand falls to his side as he frowns down at her and April stands as he opens his mouth to speak, pushing past him and hurrying down the hall before he can even finish saying her name.
She shuts the door when she reaches her office, dropping the files onto her desk before she collapses into her chair. She closes her eyes and breathes deeply through her nose as she clenches her hands in her lap to try to stop their shaking.
She tries to tell herself that it was just a dream, that Nathan wouldn't actually hit her, but doubt and fear cloud her judgment as images from the dream flicker across her mind, playing out like a movie on the back of her eyelids.
The world tilts again and she grips the edge of her desk, forcing her eyes open and trying to make her heart stop hammering in her chest.
She glances at her clock and takes a deep, steadying breath. Only one more hour until she can go home.
She turns her attention to the files on her desk in an attempt to make a dent in the amount of work she has to do, but her brain keeps bombarding her with images from her nightmares. Her thoughts swirl around in her head until all she wants to do is cry and she finally throws her pen down, pushing away from her desk.
There's still a half hour left but she can't bear the thought of working anymore, and she yanks open the bottom drawer of her desk, removing her purse to go home.
Simon is in the kitchen when he hears the front door open and he frowns as he glances up at the clock. He hears the familiar sound of April setting her purse on the table by the door and wipes his hands on a dish towel as he steps from the kitchen.
April's flipping disinterestedly through the mail and Simon steps over to her.
"You're home early," he says, slipping his arm around her waist and pressing a kiss to her temple.
"Had a headache," she murmurs, dropping the mail back on the table and pulling away as she bends to pick up her shoes.
"Another one?" Simon asks, frowning.
"It's nothing," April replies, shaking her head as she starts towards the bedroom.
"Obviously it's something if it makes you leave work early," Simon presses, making to follow her.
She turns to face him and he stops short, staring down at her.
"It's nothing, Simon. This week is just really stressful." She smiles, and he thinks it seems forced. "I'm fine, really." She places her hand on his shoulder and stands on her toes to kiss him. "I'm gonna go take a shower, okay?"
Simon nods. "Dinner's almost ready."
She smiles again and disappears into the bedroom, the door shutting behind her with a gentle click.
Simon stares at the closed door for a moment before turning to walk back into the kitchen. He checks the oven and leans against the counter to wait a few more minutes.
For days after the incident with her father April had behaved in a way Simon had never seen before. She jumped every time the phone rang, acted shy and skittish with unfamiliar men, and was very clingy with Simon. He remembers walking to the car one night after dinner and when a ratty old truck drove by on the street, she had gripped his hand so tight that he was surprised to not find bruises the next day.
And then, of course, there were the dreams, nightmares every night that she always woke from crying. He hated seeing her like that, hated being unable to do anything other than hold her when she woke up and try to calm her down. He wanted so desperately to stop the dreams and make her fear go away. He wanted back the April he knew and loved, the one who never seemed to be afraid of anything and who, in fact, seemed to intimidate most of the people around her who didn't know her.
He had suggested a week ago, very carefully, that maybe she ought to see somebody about her dreams.
"I don't need to see anybody," she'd snapped. "What are they going to tell me that I don't already know? This will pass, Simon, it did before and it will again."
He'd dropped the subject right then and there, not wanting to further upset her, and the past few days, it seemed like it was starting to pass. She'd gone two nights without being woken by her dreams and Simon had been starting to think that maybe things were already returning to normal.
He thinks back to yesterday, about her refusal to go to Nathan's for dinner and her irritation when he teased that she enjoyed spending more time with his father than she did with him. He knew it wasn't true, but what was true was that she did love going to his dad's and for her to not want to go set off warning bells in Simon's mind. The last time they'd had to cancel plans to go over there she'd been properly sick, and Simon had to make her stay in bed when she insisted on going anyway.
Simon frowns as he checks the oven again and then pulls out the shepherd's pie, setting it on the stove.
He'd been upset to have to wake her from yet another bad dream last night. He'd hoped so much that they were over and done with, and the fact that she wouldn't tell him what it was about scared him. He doesn't want to think that they could be getting worse.
He moves the casserole to the table and is setting their plates in front of their chairs when April emerges from the bedroom dressed in pajama pants and a faded University of Richmond t-shirt, tousling her wet hair with her fingers.
Simon smiles as she approaches and touches a light kiss to her lips before she sits down.
He's on his second helping when he notices that April's barely started on her first. She's staring at her plate, listlessly pushing her food around with her fork, and Simon watches her for a minute.
"April," he says finally, startling her out of her reverie.
"What?" she says as she looks up at him, her fingers tensing around her fork for just a moment.
"What's wrong?"
She sighs, laying her fork down on her plate with a gentle clink. "I'm just - I'm just tired. I told you, work has just been really stressful lately."
"Can you talk about it?" Simon asks, looking intently at her.
She shakes her head, lowering her eyes to her plate again, and he nods. He knows there are things that she can't always discuss with him and while he accepts this as a fact of her job, he hates when she can't vent her frustrations to him and get some of the weight off of her shoulders.
He can't shake the feeling, however, that whatever's troubling her goes deeper than work, but he knows that pushing her to talk about it won't do any good.
"Would you at least eat something?" Simon asks. "You didn't eat very much last night either."
"I'm just not hungry," she murmurs, and then looks up at him, her brow creasing. "I'm sorry."
"You don't have to apologize," Simon replies, a little bewildered. "If you're not hungry, you're not hungry. It just worries me when you get so stressed you don't eat."
"I had lunch," she says softly, sounding a little defensive, and Simon drops the subject.
They spend the rest of the evening on the couch, watching TV, or in April's case, staring at it but not paying any attention to it.
She slides under the covers when they go to bed a few hours later, turning onto her side and switching off her lamp.
Simon climbs into bed a few minutes later and looks at her for a moment before moving close to her, laying his hand lightly on her arm as he touches a kiss to her shoulder. His fingers drift down her arm as his lips move to her neck and he presses against her.
"Quit," she murmurs, shifting slightly.
Her voice lacks conviction and Simon keeps on. He knows she likes to use sex as a stress reliever, and if she can't talk to him about what's bothering her, maybe this is how he can help her. Not far from his mind is the fact that they haven't made love since the morning of her birthday and while he's been patient and understanding, he's missed being close to her in that sense.
His hand slips under her shirt, his fingers stroking the soft skin of her stomach as they slide up towards her breasts, and she makes an irritated noise.
"I said stop," she says, shifting away from him and pulling his hand from her shirt.
He frowns down at her and she glances at him.
"What, are you going to pout now because I'm depriving you of sex for maybe the fifth time ever?" she says, her brow creasing.
"I'm not pouting," Simon replies, his frown deepening. "I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with you lately."
She turns over onto her back and gives him a disbelieving look.
"I won't have sex with you, so something's wrong with me?"
Simon shakes his head impatiently. "That's not what I mean. It was starting to seem like you were getting back to normal, after that whole mess with your dad, but the last couple of days you've been all distant and withdrawn again."
Hurt flashes across April's face. "I'm sorry if I'm not getting over this fast enough for you."
"Damn it, April," Simon says, frustrated, "that's not what I meant."
"Just leave me alone, Simon," April mutters, rolling back onto her side and tugging the covers up to her chest. Her legs shift under the sheets and he knows she's pulling them in tight against her body. The message couldn't be any clearer if she were to post a sign on the wall as well.
Simon looks at her for a minute before sighing and moving back to his side of the bed, reaching up and snapping his lamp off before flopping against his pillow.
A few hours later, with a kind of disheartening predictability, she's trembling in his arms, tears streaming down her face as he lightly rubs her back.
He presses his lips to the top of her head and shuts his eyes tight, desperately wishing he knew how to make this stop.
"I don't remember the last time I gave you lunch money," Nathan says the next day, smiling bemusedly as he pulls a ten dollar bill from his wallet and hands it to Simon.
"I'll pay you back," Simon replies as he stuffs the money into his pocket.
Nathan waves a hand as he slips his wallet back into his pocket before settling in his chair once more. "Don't worry about it."
Simon sighs and drops into a chair in front of his father's desk, frowning lightly as he rubs his cheek. "I can't believe I left my wallet at home."
"I can't either, honestly," Nathan says, leaning back in his seat and watching Simon contemplatively. "You don't usually forget things like that."
Simon hesitates for a minute and then leans forward in his chair, running a hand through his hair.
"It's April. She's been acting so strange lately. I thought she was starting to get past all that stuff with her dad, but the past couple of days it's like she's regressed two weeks or something."
"I've noticed it too," Nathan murmurs, and frowns slightly. There's a tug somewhere deep in his mind, like he's forgotten something important, but it doesn't come to him.
"We had a little argument last night, and now I'm wondering if I've done something and just didn't realize it," Simon says, raising his eyebrows a little. "I have no idea what it could've been though."
"The mind is a funny place," Nathan says, his shoulders rising in a small shrug. "Maybe something set her off," he continues, and then frowns again.
He remembers running into April in the hall the day before and knocking the folders from her arms. He'd apologized as he helped pick up the papers, asking if she was feeling any better, and had been a little surprised when she didn't respond, her expression preoccupied as he looked at her. He stood when everything was back in order, holding his hand out to help her to her feet, and her reaction when he extended his hand had startled him. She'd actually cringed, almost as though she was afraid he was going to hurt her. She scurried off before he could say anything else to her, and he'd stared after her for a moment, confusion and worry gnawing at him as he contemplated going to talk to her before remembering he had another meeting to get to.
Simon sighs again, resting his chin in his hand. "I just wish I knew how to fix this."
"You can't fix it, Simon," Nathan says gently, shaking his head. "You just have to be there for her."
"Yeah," Simon mutters. "She's still having nightmares. Wakes up crying and shaking, and all I can do is hold her until she calms down. I'm supposed to be the one protecting her, but I can't protect her from this." He scowls. "It makes me feel so fucking helpless."
"I know," Nathan replies quietly.
Simon sighs once more before pushing to his feet.
"I'll talk to you later, Dad," he says as he starts for the door. "And thanks for the money."
"Any time," Nathan murmurs, watching as Simon steps from the office.
He still feels like there's something he's forgetting, or maybe something he's supposed to have done, but once again it doesn't come to him and he frowns as he turns his attention to the messages stacked on top of his blotter.
April doesn't look up when Sam enters her office and he watches her quietly for a moment.
She hasn't quite seemed herself since the incident with her father, but Sam can't help noticing that she looks worse today than she has in the past few weeks. He can't quite put his finger on what's different, exactly, but he knows there's something wrong with her and it worries him.
He clears his throat and she looks up sharply. For just a split second she looks anxious and wary, almost afraid, and Sam's worry increases. Her expression relaxes when she sees that it's him, but there's still a tension to her body in the way she's sitting in her chair.
"Hey," he says, smiling gently at her.
"Hey," she replies, flashing him a smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes.
"Haven't seen much of you the past couple of days," Sam says, slipping his hands into his pockets as he watches her closely.
"Just been - been busy." She runs a hand through her hair and gestures vaguely towards her desk. Sam's eyes roam over the stacks of files and reports before his gaze returns to her face.
"There is such a thing as working too hard," he says softly.
"Yeah, well, it keeps multiplying. Like these stupid files are rabbits that just won't stop shagging."
Sam laughs softly and a ghostly grin flickers across April's face.
"Oh," Sam says suddenly, "while I'm thinking about it, have you got the notes from the last meeting between Harrison and the security council? Harrison said you had them, I just wanted to read them over before the next meeting."
Sam is startled at the way April pales as she looks from his face to the stacks of paper on her desk.
"I don't -" She frowns, obviously trying to remember where they are, and Sam is even more surprised to see tears shine suddenly in her eyes.
She stands and begins rifling through the stacks of paper on her desk, her search becoming more and more frantic.
She turns towards the filing cabinet and Sam steps over to her, frowning at her evident distress.
"April, calm down," he says, gently taking hold of her arms and pulling her away from the metal cabinet.
"I'm sorry," she says quickly, her eyes darting from his face back to the cabinet. "I'll find them, I will."
"Why are you apologizing?" Sam asks, bewildered. "I don't need them right now, or even today; the meeting's not until next week. And it's not as though the copy you have is the only one that exists." He pauses, angling his head to see her face. "It's okay, April."
She takes a shaky breath and Sam lets go of her arms, still staring intently at her as he moves back a step.
He's on the verge of asking what's wrong when she takes another breath, her mouth open to speak.
"Sam?" she says softly, her eyes trained on a spot just to the side of his left knee.
"Yes?" he replies, his brow creasing once more.
She hesitates a moment, and then looks up at him. "Do you think I'm stupid?" she asks, very quietly.
Sam stares at her a moment, too shocked to immediately reply. She lowers her eyes and as she starts to turn away, he realizes she's mistaken his silence.
"No, April, no," he says quickly, reaching for her arm and pulling her back around to face him. "Of course I don't think you're stupid, where on Earth did you get an idea like that?"
She looks for a minute like she wants to say something, and then lowers her gaze to the floor.
"April -"
"It's - it's nothing," she says, shaking her head. "I've just been feeling a bit spacey from working so much -"
"April -" Sam begins again, not buying her excuse.
"It's nothing," she repeats, giving him a look so reminiscent of her usual self that he drops the subject.
"I have to get back to work," she says, sighing and stepping away.
"No," Sam says, glancing at his watch.
She turns to look at him, raising her eyebrows. "What do you mean, ‘no'?"
"I mean, it's almost one o'clock and I'd wager a large sum of money that you haven't eaten lunch yet. As luck or fate or possibly just poor time management skills would have it, neither have I. So you'll come eat with me."
"Sam -"
"I'm not really giving you a choice here," he says, arching an eyebrow at her.
"Sam, I still have so much work to do," she says, glancing back at her desk.
He steps forward and slips one arm around her shoulders, placing his other hand on her arm and guiding her bodily from her desk.
"You need to eat," he says firmly. "And I won't hear any more arguing on the subject," he adds when April opens her mouth to protest again.
April's mouth relaxes into a resigned smile and she allows Sam to lead her from the room.
Nathan enters Sam's office just after six o'clock and steps over to his desk, dropping the heavy law book in his hands onto the polished wooden surface and grinning when Sam jumps.
Sam raises his eyes to Nathan's face, arching an eyebrow as he stares at him.
"How old are you again?" Sam asks wryly. "Twelve?"
"Can't resist a good jump scare," Nathan says, his grin widening as he settles into one of the chairs in front of Sam's desk.
Sam turns his eyes back to the document in front of him, the corner of his mouth rising as he scribbles down a few more notes.
Nathan tips his chair back, lifting his feet onto Sam's desk and nudging the book with the side of his shoe as he crosses his legs at his ankles.
"What do you need that for?"
"Bed time reading," Sam replies absently, and then glances up at Nathan. "Get your feet off my desk," he adds, frowning.
Nathan sighs and lowers his feet to the floor, tipping his chair forward with a dull thud.
"What's wrong with you?" he asks as he leans forward, his eyes on Sam.
Sam doesn't reply right away, frowning slightly as he continues to write, and Nathan stares at him for a moment before he takes a breath.
"It's April," Sam says before Nathan can speak. He sets his pen down and looks at Nathan, his brow furrowed contemplatively.
"What about her?" Nathan asks, feeling that damnable nagging tug in his mind again.
"I went by her office today, just to talk to her, and asked if she had the notes from the last security meeting, and she just... she couldn't find them and nearly broke down crying. And then she apologized, like she'd done something wrong."
A creeping sense of unease sweeps suddenly over Nathan and he shifts uncomfortably in his chair.
Sam's frown deepens. "And then she asked if I thought she was stupid, and all I could do was stare at her because it was just so absurd - Nathan?"
Nathan's eyes are closed and he suddenly feels like he wants to vomit.
"Nathan, what's wrong?"
"I've done -" Nathan starts, and then leans forward in his seat, pressing a hand to his mouth. "I've done something terrible."
"What do you mean?"
"To April, oh God," Nathan says, pushing up out of his chair.
"To April?" Sam repeats, watching as Nathan begins to pace in front of the desk. "What did you do?"
Nathan doesn't answer and Sam's eyes narrow as he stands, bracing his hands on his desk. "Nathan, what the fuck did you do?"
Nathan winces; Sam swears so infrequently that for him to do it now is a clear indicator of his anger, but Nathan can't answer because he's suddenly so ashamed of himself.
"Nathan," Sam says, his voice low and hard.
"I - she - we had a little argument the other day," Nathan murmurs, pressing his fingers to his forehead as he paces. "I gave her the Fischer file to read over and I needed it for that meeting, and she misplaced it. She found it and brought it to me in time, but I was just... I was so fucking stressed about that god damn meeting and I lost my temper with her."
"What do you mean, you lost your temper?" Sam asks, and Nathan can feel his gaze boring into him.
"I - I called her stupid," Nathan says, very quietly, and an oppressive silence falls over the room.
Nathan dares a glance at Sam. His friend is staring at him, mouth open slightly, seemingly at a loss for words.
"A file," Sam says finally, his voice soft and disbelieving. "A file. You called her stupid over a fucking file?" He stares at Nathan like he's never seen him before. "What the hell is wrong with you, Nathan?"
"I don't know!" Nathan replies, resuming his pacing. "I wasn't thinking -"
"Clearly!"
Nathan sighs, turning away from Sam and wishing he would get that look off his face.
"Three weeks ago that would've just rolled right off her back - hell, three weeks ago she probably would've told you to fuck off - but after all of that mess with her dad, and after what Simon told you, and what you told me... all of the vile things her father used to say to her... how could you say something like that to her?"
"I don't know!" Nathan shouts, rounding on Sam. "I just - I'm an idiot, I'm a fucking asshole, and - and I have to fix this."
Nathan starts for the door and Sam calls after him.
"It's after six, Nathan; April's probably already gone home."
Nathan just holds up his hand as he steps out into the hallway, the door snapping shut behind him.
Simon looks over at April as she silences her phone mid-ring for the sixth time in almost two hours. The beginning chime of her ringtone is starting to grate and he closes his eyes for a moment when it starts again, only for her to cut it off shortly after.
"April," he says after a beat of silence, "who do you keep ignoring?"
"Nobody," she says, staring absently at the TV. Her mouth is set in a hard line and her eyes flick back to her phone when it rings again, glancing at the display before jabbing the button on the side.
"Is it somebody pranking you again?"
"No," she murmurs.
Simon feels a chill as another thought occurs to him. "Is it your dad?"
April glances at him, a small frown creasing her brow as she shakes her head.
The ring starts again and Simon feels his patience snap. He reaches for April, taking hold of her wrist with one hand and snatching the phone from her fingers with the other.
"Simon!" she exclaims, reaching for him as he stands.
He turns away from her, flipping open her phone and pulling up the recent calls. He frowns and spins back to face April.
"Dad's called you nine times in the past hour and a half? April, what the hell is going on?"
Her phone rings again and Simon flips it open, pressing it to his ear.
"April -" Nathan begins, sounding both relieved and anxious.
"Dad, stop calling," Simon says before snapping the phone shut.
He sits back down beside April, placing her phone on the coffee table before turning to face her.
"Why is Dad calling you so much, and why don't you want to talk to him?"
"Simon -" April begins as she starts to push herself to her feet.
"No, April," Simon says, reaching for her and pulling her back down. "I have been trying so hard to be patient and understanding, but this involves my dad. You have to tell me what's wrong."
April lowers her gaze to her hands and as Simon watches, tears dot the front of her t-shirt.
He frowns and reaches for her, gently taking her face in his hands and tilting her head up.
"Tell me what's wrong," he says again, carefully sweeping his thumbs under her eyes.
She takes a breath and finally tells him about her and Nathan's fight, and what he said.
Simon stares at her when she finishes, unable to fully comprehend what he just heard.
"Dad called you stupid because you misplaced a - a file?"
April nods miserably and Simon's hands fall into his lap.
"I don't believe this," he mutters, and then looks back at April. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"Because - because I knew it would upset you -"
"Of course it upsets me, April!" he says loudly, and then mentally kicks himself when she flinches.
"I'm sorry," he says quickly, taking her hands in his. "I'm not mad at you, I just - I can't believe he did that."
April lowers her head and Simon stares at her for a moment, a thought occurring to him and twisting his stomach.
"That's why you've been having nightmares again, isn't it," he says softly, stating it like a fact because he knows it's true, but he needs to hear her confirm it.
April nods again, sniffling and wiping her nose on her sleeve.
"It wasn't - it wasn't just what he said," she whispers, "it was the way he said it. He was so mad... my - my dad used to get so mad over little things like that, and to see Nathan like that, it - it scared me."
A fresh wave of anger surges through Simon and he stands abruptly, startling April.
"I'm going over there," he says.
"No, Simon, please," April says, grabbing his hand. He hears the tremor in her voice and looks down at her. "Please, stay here with me."
He stares at her tear-stained cheeks, feels how tight she's gripping his hand, and knows that she needs him right now.
He sinks back down beside her and takes her face in his hands again, pressing his lips to her forehead before he pulls her into a tight hug.
She goes to bed early, like she's been doing the past couple of nights, and Simon goes with her, though he's not the least bit tired.
April curls into his side as he sits against his pillows, her arm wrapped firmly around his waist, and he lightly strokes her skin as he rests his head against the wall, staring at the ceiling. He's still seething, wondering how his dad could be so careless, and he feels another twist in his gut when he thinks that the reason April has been so fearful and so nervous the past couple of days is because of something his dad did.
Two hours later, like clockwork, Simon is gently shaking April awake, pulling her from yet another nightmare. He doesn't ask what this one is about.
He lies down with her and holds her, rubbing her back with one hand while he gently strokes her hair with the other, whispering over and over that he's got her, that she's safe, that she's okay.
He waits until he's sure she's asleep again before carefully pulling her arms from around him, shifting her over and laying her gently down. He knows she's not likely to wake again and he's too angry to go any longer without confronting his father about this.
He dresses quietly in his clothes from earlier and grabs his phone from his bedside table, slipping it into his pocket as he turns his gaze to April. He watches her sleep for a moment before kneeling carefully on the bed, gently brushing her hair from her face as he leans to press a soft kiss to her temple.
A short while later he's on Nathan's front porch, waiting impatiently for his father to open the door.
He's debating whether to ring the doorbell again or just bang his fist against the thick wood when the door swings open and Nathan looks out at him.
"Simon -" he starts, but doesn't get out any more as Simon steps forward suddenly, placing his hands to his father's chest and shoving him hard.
"What the hell, Dad?" Simon exclaims, stepping into the house and slamming the door as Nathan stumbles back.
Nathan holds up his hand, staring warily at his son. "Just let me explain -"
"Let you explain? What the hell explanation could you possibly have?"
"I'm sorry, Simon!" Nathan shouts. "Jesus Christ, do you think I don't feel like shit for what I did?"
Simon takes a deep breath through his nose, his hands firmly on his hips as he tries to bring himself under control.
"Come into the kitchen," Nathan says quietly after a minute, and turns away without waiting for Simon to reply.
Simon stares after him for a moment and then follows. When he enters, Nathan is busy setting the coffee pot to brew; when he finishes he turns towards Simon, gesturing towards the island.
"Have a seat," he murmurs.
"I don't want to sit down," Simon snaps, folding his arms tightly over his chest.
"Simon, I'm sorry," Nathan sighs, slipping his hands into the pockets of his sweatpants.
"I'm not the one you need to be apologizing to."
"I know that, but you're the one who's here. Clearly April doesn't want to talk to me -"
"Can you blame her?" Simon interrupts, staring incredulously at Nathan.
"No, I can't," Nathan says quietly.
Simon unfolds his arms and runs a hand through his hair, turning agitatedly on his heel before spinning back around to look at Nathan.
"How could you do it, Dad?" Simon shakes his head. "Do you have any idea how it feels to have to wake my girlfriend up every night from nightmares, nightmares that I thought were over, only to find out that my own father is the one who made them start up again?"
Nathan winces and shuts his eyes, lowering his head for a minute.
"I just can't believe that you would call her stupid for losing a god damn file."
"It was an important -"
"Oh, don't you fucking dare try to justify this," Simon says, pointing an angry finger at his father.
"I'm not trying to justify it, I just... you know how I can get sometimes."
"Yeah, Dad, I do. I know from experience what a right bastard you can be," Simon replies, raising his eyebrows. "But she doesn't. I don't know how the hell you've managed to hide it from her for six years, but you picked a shitty time to show off that side of you."
"I know, Simon, I know I have the worst timing in the world. I just - I wasn't thinking. I was so stressed about that fucking meeting, and I lost control. I know I hurt her, and I know I hurt you too."
"Don't waste one minute worrying about me," Simon says. "Worry about her."
"I am worried about her," Nathan murmurs as the coffee pot beeps.
Nathan turns towards the cupboards and pulls out two mugs, filling each of them with coffee before approaching the island and sliding one across the counter towards Simon.
They sip in silence for a moment, neither of them looking at the other, and then Simon sets his mug down.
"She trusts you, Dad. She's never said as much to me, but I know she thinks of you like a father. Anything is better than the one she has."
"I know," Nathan replies softly.
"So how could you forget that?" Simon asks, staring desperately at his father, trying to understand. "Even for just a minute? How could you forget how much she relies on you, how much she trusts you, how much she loves you? How could you, even for just a minute, remind her of Garrett fucking Newcastle and everything he ever did to her, when it's still so fresh in her mind?"
Nathan looks down suddenly, pulling his glasses off and running a hand down his face. When he looks back up at Simon, his eyes are bright.
"I'm sorry," he says, his voice wavering just slightly. "I don't know what else to say. I want to talk to her; I want to apologize to her, even if she won't forgive me. Will you please just tell her that? Tell her that I'm sorry?"
"I'll tell her," Simon murmurs, nodding as he takes a sip of his coffee. "But you're going to tell her too."
"If she'll let me," Nathan says, sighing and staring moodily into his mug.
"I'll talk to her," Simon replies, sighing as well and taking one more sip of his coffee before setting the mug back on the counter. "I should get back home. It's late."
Nathan nods and walks with Simon to the front door.
"I really am sorry," he murmurs as Simon pulls open the door. "For hurting you too."
Simon contemplates him for a moment and then takes a breath.
"I'll forgive you when she does."
"I can't believe you went over there last night," April says, shoving the filing cabinet drawer shut hard enough to make the whole thing rattle. She turns to face Simon, glaring at him.
"April, I couldn't - I couldn't just leave it alone," Simon replies from where he's perched on the edge of her desk. "It's hard being stuck in the middle of you and Dad. Usually you guys are mad at me for something, not at each other."
April gives him a look and leans against the cabinet, folding her arms over her chest.
"What do you want me to do, Simon?"
"Talk to him, April. He wants to apologize."
April looks away and doesn't reply.
"He was really upset last night," Simon says quietly. "He - he almost cried. I haven't seen him this guilty in a long time."
April looks at Simon, chewing her bottom lip as her eyebrows knit together.
"Look," Simon sighs after a minute, "you don't have to talk to him if you don't want to. I'm not going to force you. But I really wish that you would."
Simon slips off the desk and steps over to April, placing his hand lightly on her arm as he touches a kiss to her lips.
"I have to clock in. I'll see you later."
April watches him leave her office, chewing her bottom lip again as he disappears from view.
It's later that afternoon that April steps quietly into Nathan's office and stands just inside the doorway.
He doesn't notice her right away, his eyes on a double picture frame on his desk. April knows that one half contains a picture of Emily and on the other half is a picture of Simon and herself.
The fingers of one hand are pressed against his lips and his eyes are so sad, sadder than April's ever seen; she can already feel some of her hurt and anger starting to melt away as she looks at him.
Nathan looks up suddenly and is so startled to see April that he rocks back in his chair, very nearly tipping it over. He grips the edge of his desk to keep himself from spilling to the floor and as he regains his balance, he hears April giggle softly. It's the best sound he's heard in days.
He stands and steps around the desk, stopping a few feet away from April.
"Hi," he says, resisting the sudden urge to pull her into a hug.
"Hey," she replies softly, the tiniest of smiles flickering over her face.
Nathan moves to grasp the door, starting to push it closed before thinking that he should see if it's okay with April. He doesn't want her to be uncomfortable.
"Can I?" he asks.
She hesitates for just a moment before nodding, but it's long enough to make his heart ache.
He shuts the door and turns to face her, slipping his hands into his pockets.
"Simon - Simon said you wanted to talk," she murmurs, crossing her arms over her chest.
Nathan nods, tilting his head to one side as he looks at her. "April, I am so sorry for what I said. I was an idiot, and I wasn't thinking, and I let stress take over, and unfortunately you suffered as a result of it."
He starts to move towards her and though she doesn't move away, her arms tighten across her chest and he stops in his tracks.
"You scared me, Nathan," she says, her eyes rising to his face. "I've seen you angry before, but I've never seen you so mean."
Nathan laughs humorlessly, shaking his head. "I never wanted you to see that side of me. It's one of those things that sort of... carried over from - from before." He pauses, lowering his gaze to the floor for a moment. His eyes land on April's shoes and he smiles when he notices they're a dusky rose color, matching her earrings and necklace.
"I was a mean drunk," he continues, looking back at April's face. "Simon and Emily suffered on account of that. There are things I said to them, things I did, that I wish I could take back." He pauses and takes a breath, tamping down the old guilt. "Ever since I got sober, I've tried to control my emotions, but sometimes that mean side of me comes out. Usually it's around Harrison and Sam, and they're so used to my bullshit by now that they just ignore me, and I've stopped apologizing for it because they don't care. And that's why I didn't apologize to you, because I just... I didn't think. It happened and then I just forgot about it, like I always do, but you're not Harrison or Sam, and you're not used to that side of me."
Nathan stops and sighs, moving to lean against his desk, folding his arms over his chest.
"You know," April says, her mouth twisting into a small smile, "any other time I would've called you on it. But with what happened with - with my dad, all I could think was -" She hesitates and takes a shaky breath. "I wondered if you were really so different from him," she says, her eyes shining as she looks up.
Nathan winces, his heart clenching in his chest.
"I'm sorry for making you feel that way, April. Even before the incident on your birthday, I knew enough about your father from things you and Simon had told me to know that I never wanted you to feel that way around me. I've tried so hard to not be the same shitty father I used to be, for both you and Simon, and then I picked the worst time in the world to show you that dark side of me." He pauses and looks down at his crossed arms. "Maybe I really am no better than your father."
"No," April says quickly, her voice hard as she moves forward, her arms falling to her sides. "You - you are nothing like him, Nathan. The fact that you're apologizing to me right now already sets you so far apart from him." She pauses, considering him for a moment. "What you said that night, that you were more of a father to me than he ever was... it's true."
"I never wanted to hurt you like that," Nathan says softly.
He watches as April steps over to the desk, mimicking his stance she leans against the desk, crossing her legs at her ankles and resting her hands in her lap.
"I know," she replies, just as softly.
They're silent a moment and then April shifts, taking a breath to speak.
"You mentioned your dark side. Simon said that too, after that awful fight we had a few years back, that he had this darkness inside of him."
Nathan nods and smirks. "Simon and I are so alike it ought to be illegal." He pauses. "I'm checking into it."
April laughs softly and bumps Nathan's arm with her shoulder. She doesn't move away, leaning lightly against him, and after a minute his arm rises to slip around her shoulders. He pulls her in close, pressing a kiss to her temple. April's head drops gently onto Nathan's shoulder and they sit quietly for a moment until Nathan glances down at her hands.
"What happened to your finger?" he asks, reaching for her hand.
"It's nothing," April murmurs, and then he remembers.
"Oh," he says softly. "I did that."
"Don't worry -" April begins and then stops when Nathan raises her hand to his mouth, placing a gentle kiss on her finger.
"Better?" he asks, glancing over at her.
She looks at him for a moment, the corner of her mouth turned slightly upward, and then she pushes off the desk and turns towards him, wrapping both arms around his middle and hugging him tightly, laying her head against his chest. He hugs her back just as tightly, closing his eyes against the tears that suddenly sting and dropping a kiss to the top of her head.
"I really am sorry, April," he murmurs against her hair.
He feels her nod. "I know."
"Can you ever forgive me?"
She pulls back a little and shakes her head slightly as she looks at him, the corner of her mouth rising.
"I forgave you the second I stepped in here and saw how upset you were over this."
Nathan smiles and raises a hand to tuck her hair behind her ear before pressing a kiss to her forehead.
She leans into him again and he rests his chin on top of her head, his smile widening as he closes his eyes and tightens his grip on her.