no shirt, no shoes, no service.
Lately I’ve been neglecting my journals. I have three now. On deadjournal, greatestjournal and livejournal. It’s hard to keep one updated, never mind all three of them. But here I am, in my room, typing an entry on my non-interneted computer. I guess I’ll save this and put it up later. Whatever.
Monday: Nothing extremely interesting, except I went to little Sarah’s house after school. We played Tony Hawk underground which was cool. Also, she played guitar while I sang “Adam’s song.” It was cool.
Tuesday: I go to school and it was okay. Blah blah.
Wednesday (this was written on Wednesday, okay? That’s why it’s a little weird... Yeah it was going to be its own entry but I decided to recap my week in one entry. YAY!): I got up around 7:45 because mum was screaming at me to get up. Normally I’m up around 6:30-7, but no one woke me so… Anyway, I got up, got dressed, washed my hair, put on my coat and grabbed my bag. Out the door I go. I don’t want a fucking ride from my mother to school. I hate her too much. At least, I hated her guts this morning. As I’m walking down falstaff my mother comes out yelling “Ashley! Don’t you want a ride?!” I shake my head and keep walking. I’m about 5 blocks down falstaff when she comes up with the van. “Get in the car, let me drive you.” Fuck you. No. I want you to burn in hell. I hate you. Die. I couldn’t decide what to say, so I said “I’m not going to school..” and I kept walking. I really was going to school, but, that’s what came out. She pulls out of the driveway where she was parked and pulled up at the side of the road. She tells me to get in again, for christssakes, the neighbours are watching. Fine. I get in.
She asks me what’s wrong. Everything, I tell her. I hate school, I hate home, I hate my friends, I hate my family, I hate my fucking life. I don’t tell her my ‘hates,’ only that math sucks and I’m dumb, I should be in the retard program because I’m a dumbass. This, of course, upsets her. Fine, mom. I’m sooo smart and sooo pretty and I love everything. Yeah that’s what she wants. Too bad, I’m tired of lying. I’m tired of this pretending to be happy.
I’ve been playing a role since the beginning of school. Not having to do it over the break got me lazy. It’s been 2 days and I’m already dead tired of faking everything. I hate the stupid smiles, the stupid laughter, the stupid things I say so people will leave me alone and think that I’m alright. I wish that all the people at school who like “me” would leave me alone. They don’t really know me, and lord knows they wouldn’t like the real me. Who is the real me anyway? Fucked if I knew.
So we get back to the house and I collapse in my bed. I was here only a half our ago. Silent tears decided to stream down my face. I taste the salty rivers that, unfortunately, I am so used to too.
I think to myself that if my mother really cared, she wouldn’t let me live this way. She promised me that if I went to the doctor I would feel better. That was a year ago and I still think about cutting myself and killing myself every fucking day. So, mom, where’s my cure?
Anyway, Thursday I got sick from cramps during gym, so I came home. Friday I didn’t go to school. Today I’m not doing much. All morning I was on www.peta2.com. They’re going to send me a free vegetarian starters kit. Squee. I also talked to Dave. Fuck. I never thought I’d do that again. Apparently he and Janice broke up. Heh. I also talked to Janet and maybe she’ll get a bunny. I told her to name it either Pancakes, or Christmas Lights. I think Christmas Lights is better, but pancakes is good too. I have to dye my hair soon. Its getting all, blondish greyish at the roots and stuff. Makes me look old. I have a coupon for 2 dollars off the sort of hair dye I use and it expires soon. Must tell muvver. Anyways. Tomorrow I’m going to see some baptisms with kally. I am so excited. I love watching them. They make me so happy. Well, I’ve got to put clothes away, or my dad will kill me. Bye everyone.
Ashy
Monday: Nothing extremely interesting, except I went to little Sarah’s house after school. We played Tony Hawk underground which was cool. Also, she played guitar while I sang “Adam’s song.” It was cool.
Tuesday: I go to school and it was okay. Blah blah.
Wednesday (this was written on Wednesday, okay? That’s why it’s a little weird... Yeah it was going to be its own entry but I decided to recap my week in one entry. YAY!): I got up around 7:45 because mum was screaming at me to get up. Normally I’m up around 6:30-7, but no one woke me so… Anyway, I got up, got dressed, washed my hair, put on my coat and grabbed my bag. Out the door I go. I don’t want a fucking ride from my mother to school. I hate her too much. At least, I hated her guts this morning. As I’m walking down falstaff my mother comes out yelling “Ashley! Don’t you want a ride?!” I shake my head and keep walking. I’m about 5 blocks down falstaff when she comes up with the van. “Get in the car, let me drive you.” Fuck you. No. I want you to burn in hell. I hate you. Die. I couldn’t decide what to say, so I said “I’m not going to school..” and I kept walking. I really was going to school, but, that’s what came out. She pulls out of the driveway where she was parked and pulled up at the side of the road. She tells me to get in again, for christssakes, the neighbours are watching. Fine. I get in.
She asks me what’s wrong. Everything, I tell her. I hate school, I hate home, I hate my friends, I hate my family, I hate my fucking life. I don’t tell her my ‘hates,’ only that math sucks and I’m dumb, I should be in the retard program because I’m a dumbass. This, of course, upsets her. Fine, mom. I’m sooo smart and sooo pretty and I love everything. Yeah that’s what she wants. Too bad, I’m tired of lying. I’m tired of this pretending to be happy.
I’ve been playing a role since the beginning of school. Not having to do it over the break got me lazy. It’s been 2 days and I’m already dead tired of faking everything. I hate the stupid smiles, the stupid laughter, the stupid things I say so people will leave me alone and think that I’m alright. I wish that all the people at school who like “me” would leave me alone. They don’t really know me, and lord knows they wouldn’t like the real me. Who is the real me anyway? Fucked if I knew.
So we get back to the house and I collapse in my bed. I was here only a half our ago. Silent tears decided to stream down my face. I taste the salty rivers that, unfortunately, I am so used to too.
I think to myself that if my mother really cared, she wouldn’t let me live this way. She promised me that if I went to the doctor I would feel better. That was a year ago and I still think about cutting myself and killing myself every fucking day. So, mom, where’s my cure?
Anyway, Thursday I got sick from cramps during gym, so I came home. Friday I didn’t go to school. Today I’m not doing much. All morning I was on www.peta2.com. They’re going to send me a free vegetarian starters kit. Squee. I also talked to Dave. Fuck. I never thought I’d do that again. Apparently he and Janice broke up. Heh. I also talked to Janet and maybe she’ll get a bunny. I told her to name it either Pancakes, or Christmas Lights. I think Christmas Lights is better, but pancakes is good too. I have to dye my hair soon. Its getting all, blondish greyish at the roots and stuff. Makes me look old. I have a coupon for 2 dollars off the sort of hair dye I use and it expires soon. Must tell muvver. Anyways. Tomorrow I’m going to see some baptisms with kally. I am so excited. I love watching them. They make me so happy. Well, I’ve got to put clothes away, or my dad will kill me. Bye everyone.
Ashy