It feels like...
... everything around me is crumbling, no, CRASHING down at high speed... and none of it is really my own. too much... to much...
i was talking to Judy the other day about how twisted God's view of us is sometimes... well in my opinion, it's twisted, REAL twisted! He has so much fucking hope IN US... it just amazes and dumbfounds me.
It amazes me that He would even trust us with another human being! it really does. not necessarily a child of your's, but just the people He allows you to influance, to just be in their lives! i was in the middle of worshiping on monday night, and at one point i just looked around the room, and saw all of my friends, old ones and new, ones i've been extreamly involved with spiritually, and ones that will never know i've held on for, and i just couldn't help but be so awed by how much love God pours out on me, to simply trust ME -of all fuck ups- to be in their lives...
Thank You.
"Hope differed makes a heart sick, but when dreams come true, there is life and joy." Proverbs 13:12 NLT
I feel so paralyzed by this overwhelming dispair. loss of hope... loss of heart... i feel so unbarably broken.
what worse? i cannot mourn... i cannot cry... i wish i could... i cant.
I've sat here staring at screen for about an hour trying to put to word my thoughts... i can't... not in a way that would make any sence anyway... here are the random thoughts...
the rain. Mike. my cowboy hat. hair glue. spite. cincinattii st. a tequilla sunrise. ugly. not enough. too much. naked heart. pain. numb. unbarably numb. jail. budah. more pain. silent tears on the phone. click. dinner with my dad. love. tears. an oven mit. the Stampede...
God i wanted to get out tonight... i really hate him... i really do...
i was talking to Judy the other day about how twisted God's view of us is sometimes... well in my opinion, it's twisted, REAL twisted! He has so much fucking hope IN US... it just amazes and dumbfounds me.
It amazes me that He would even trust us with another human being! it really does. not necessarily a child of your's, but just the people He allows you to influance, to just be in their lives! i was in the middle of worshiping on monday night, and at one point i just looked around the room, and saw all of my friends, old ones and new, ones i've been extreamly involved with spiritually, and ones that will never know i've held on for, and i just couldn't help but be so awed by how much love God pours out on me, to simply trust ME -of all fuck ups- to be in their lives...
Thank You.
"Hope differed makes a heart sick, but when dreams come true, there is life and joy." Proverbs 13:12 NLT
I feel so paralyzed by this overwhelming dispair. loss of hope... loss of heart... i feel so unbarably broken.
what worse? i cannot mourn... i cannot cry... i wish i could... i cant.
I've sat here staring at screen for about an hour trying to put to word my thoughts... i can't... not in a way that would make any sence anyway... here are the random thoughts...
the rain. Mike. my cowboy hat. hair glue. spite. cincinattii st. a tequilla sunrise. ugly. not enough. too much. naked heart. pain. numb. unbarably numb. jail. budah. more pain. silent tears on the phone. click. dinner with my dad. love. tears. an oven mit. the Stampede...
God i wanted to get out tonight... i really hate him... i really do...