Back to Myself
So, the last two days have been really nice. Yesterday, after talking to the counselor, my mother, and Tamara, I felt... like I was ready for myself again. So much of my time in the last month was just spent alone. I think I had so much time alone that I drove myself crazy. I thought I was getting better and was ready to take the step forward the day I came back to college. But, I know that right as the night hit the day we got back, I slowly started drifting to the bottom.
When I was in the counselor's office, they have you do a self assessment on your feelings, actions, and behaviors. Writing all those things down for someone you don't know to see is very weird. But, it really made me think. Checking the boxes for things like "low self esteem", "changes in diet", "Changes in weight", "Have you had any suicidal thoughts", and things like that really make you wonder, "Is this really me right now? Am I really this far?"
Talking to her didn't make me feel better right away. My mom kind of gave me a tough love speech as well after I got out. I got a little upset, but I understood what she was saying. If I kept being self-destructive like I was, I would soon of had nothing left. And I am so much better than that.
I had lunch with Tamara as well after all that. She really cheered me up. She told me I was the only really 'genuine' person she met while at the music building and she wanted to keep people like that in her life. She was able to tell me some things I hadn't thought before, but were comforting. Plus, we just kind of learned more about each other, which, of course, is always nice.
Later yesterday, I decided to try something new. There is a swing dancing club at the school called Swing Cats and I had always thought it would be cool to try. So, I went! It was so much fun too. I was able to be outgoing, have a good time, and just be myself like I know I am. I really enjoyed dancing as well, of course. I'm going to keep going every monday.
Today, was a little more low-key. I felt really tired, so I ended up not practicing, which isn't good. But overall, I just felt better. I thought about a lot of things involving Alex that I thought about before. And while, I'm still very hurt and not happy with it. None of it consumed me. I was able to keep a smile and positive attitude.
Alex ended up getting me a small gift, which was really nice. A My name is Earl talking keychain. It's awesome. I ended up getting the queasy feeling again and I don't know why. We're going to see each other from around 3-5 on Friday. I'm not really sure what to do though. I'm very conflicted in my feelings. There is a large part of me that wants to yell in her face about how crappy she's been to me. But, I know they'll fall upon deaf ears. She could maybe thinks she's really listening to me, but I know she's not at that point yet. Her words to me, words to others, and her actions do not all match up. So, I honestly think she has no idea what she's doing. And she probably won't ever get to the point where she can really think about it.
I'm not fully sure if she truly understands me anymore. Because, I am the kind of person that if you have a problem with, you talk to them about it. I try to accommodate and be understanding. So, I'm honestly sad that she insists that it was alright to not talk to me about her feelings. I'm extremely hurt by her actions. I'll be sad if she never gets to the point of really understanding my feelings, but I know it certainly is a possibility.
Long post.
When I was in the counselor's office, they have you do a self assessment on your feelings, actions, and behaviors. Writing all those things down for someone you don't know to see is very weird. But, it really made me think. Checking the boxes for things like "low self esteem", "changes in diet", "Changes in weight", "Have you had any suicidal thoughts", and things like that really make you wonder, "Is this really me right now? Am I really this far?"
Talking to her didn't make me feel better right away. My mom kind of gave me a tough love speech as well after I got out. I got a little upset, but I understood what she was saying. If I kept being self-destructive like I was, I would soon of had nothing left. And I am so much better than that.
I had lunch with Tamara as well after all that. She really cheered me up. She told me I was the only really 'genuine' person she met while at the music building and she wanted to keep people like that in her life. She was able to tell me some things I hadn't thought before, but were comforting. Plus, we just kind of learned more about each other, which, of course, is always nice.
Later yesterday, I decided to try something new. There is a swing dancing club at the school called Swing Cats and I had always thought it would be cool to try. So, I went! It was so much fun too. I was able to be outgoing, have a good time, and just be myself like I know I am. I really enjoyed dancing as well, of course. I'm going to keep going every monday.
Today, was a little more low-key. I felt really tired, so I ended up not practicing, which isn't good. But overall, I just felt better. I thought about a lot of things involving Alex that I thought about before. And while, I'm still very hurt and not happy with it. None of it consumed me. I was able to keep a smile and positive attitude.
Alex ended up getting me a small gift, which was really nice. A My name is Earl talking keychain. It's awesome. I ended up getting the queasy feeling again and I don't know why. We're going to see each other from around 3-5 on Friday. I'm not really sure what to do though. I'm very conflicted in my feelings. There is a large part of me that wants to yell in her face about how crappy she's been to me. But, I know they'll fall upon deaf ears. She could maybe thinks she's really listening to me, but I know she's not at that point yet. Her words to me, words to others, and her actions do not all match up. So, I honestly think she has no idea what she's doing. And she probably won't ever get to the point where she can really think about it.
I'm not fully sure if she truly understands me anymore. Because, I am the kind of person that if you have a problem with, you talk to them about it. I try to accommodate and be understanding. So, I'm honestly sad that she insists that it was alright to not talk to me about her feelings. I'm extremely hurt by her actions. I'll be sad if she never gets to the point of really understanding my feelings, but I know it certainly is a possibility.
Long post.