Another day, another battle
So today is damn near my half-way point to my two weeks notice and all day I couldn't help but consider walking out with the 102 degree temp today in the store.
All day just carrying shit, never sitting down, always worried about making qouta, no music, just the sound of machinery, fans that blow hot air, and "beep beep beep" from the forklifts, and hardly talking to anyone...just sweating like a pig in heat
. YAY.
I'm looking forward to going back to college like you wouldn't know unless you're a SOPHMORE!!! Those first few weeks I'm gonna be partyin like a fiend. I've got to. Those are the best times to party TAKE MY WORD!
Besides all of that, I kick myself in the ass all day long thinking about the positions I got myself involved in either with work situations or girls...mostly girls. I feel so bad when I hurt someone. I don't show it cuz I'm a dick. I try to be a good guy but it's so hard. You know, you probably DO know that there is one girl that's had me messed up for a while. I'll always think of her. I hate her almost. She...I cause myself so much pain. I mean what do you expect when your heart is in someone elses posession!? Your body hurts cuz it doesn't pump blood like it used to. It's no longer an automatic function, you have to propel yourself to get through things that would otherwise seem effortless. If there's one thing I know after these last few years in regards to me and a VERY few friends of mine, its that we are truly some of the most genuine, well-meaning, honest, upstanding, and pretty damn decent looking individuals, who are single...ish. lol
We don't just have sex with some girls, IF we even do. Most of us have only been with 2-3 girls. I for one battle NOT having sex almost on a daily basis. It's getting easier to be tempted. I hate that. I feel that as long as I don't have it ever again, maybe I'll still have a chance with the one girl who would be more than my better half. My theory is that we all want a better half and strive to be good, wholesome individuals until something or someone more than likely comes along/happens. For the "someone" spin...once you've got it you finally feel complete. Like if you were asked who you'd marry or spend the rest of your life with you would've answered by "...who'd you." I've discussed it witha lot of people that have been, are or were in the same situation. I think that to fill that gap or seek revenge ( not one in the same) they might find themselves a substitute or more and abuse that privilege as much as they can. It's really sad and yes I've been guilty of this. The point is I stopped it once and for all. I'm trying to be the best that I can be for all people especially her. Most of us at some point in life were given high standards by family, school, church or friends to adhere...."be honest, don't have careless sex, be respectful, remember that the girl is also a daughter to parents...respect her as you would want another guy to respect your daughter."( I actually made up that last one
but I've always tried to uphold it) I feel like I have to redeem myself for my "sins." I feel like she wouldn't give me a second thought after some of the things I've done simply compared to her standards. Even to me this sounds over the edge but I don't know what the fuck to do. I fuckn love her. And I'm mad I do. I feel like if I can't have her I don't want anyone else. But then I've got that angry side to me that says buck that, go be like any other guy in this world and get some. I feel like you are given so many chances in life before God puts you in check and I can't keep tempting him to put me back that position again or worse. I want to just do it right. But I also want companionship and love. What's the point in being the best you can be when more people are more interested in you when you let your "bad" side out. Maybe it's a matter of comfort or rebellion. This whole world is pretty fuct. I could go on and on but will it get me anywhere? I mean I've written down some things here that I didn't quite fit together in this crazy puzzle of life until now. Girls...if you're reading this...know this...if a guy lay's it all out on the line over you after he's in a mature state of life (not early HS, or if you're of his first 2-3 r-ships. Exceptions may vary!), you must have been something great. He would do anything for you, don't abuse it. But the absolute worst thing you can do to him is not let him understand or tell him what went wrong...ot even worse....sever all communication. Me and some of my boys ranging in age from 18-32 have been jones'n for up to 9 years and still going. There isn't really any way for us guys to stop doing dumb things. Just know that there is ALWAYS a reason. I don't even know where I'm goin with this anymore. Sorry for this being all confusing and stuff...but that's what love and pain is
. Love ya. Leave some understanding if you can too or even advice, or shared feelings....sall good. Thanks.