explaining myself
(with thanks to aud because she is fab.)
i just re-read my last two lj posts - and am horrified that i was bandying the two most dangerous words in the world with such lack of restraint (eek - and now as a rj lit student i will never be able to think of this word without thinking of Kurtz from Conrad's Heart of Darkness. digression, digression - ).
so i really was miserable, that day at least. i don't want to hinge hopes on other people, because well. I'm not a person who naturally distrusts people - but then again, perhaps i do. i'm as open about what i think and feel about a lot of things as the next person, probably more so, but then i think for a long time coming, even as i try to grow in Christ, even as i love my mother and people like suanne and aud and trust them, even as i try to hold on to logic, there's been this part of me that is always so very faithless, so unable to adhere to simple, uncomplicated, positive hope in perhaps, at the risk of sounding maudlin, its purest sense. maybe - maybe it's a little poisonous seed of doubt that refuses to go away. just lets its rot take root and spread.
it's ridiculous, but i've been somehow feeling as if i'm running very low, on energy, on time, on love in general. perhaps i'm a terrible friend, student, daughter - i'm just going through the motions with all thought on myself without trying to love other people enough. but someone or other is always telling me that i should start worrying about myself and forget about other people's problems or what i perceive are the things that are niggling them. and others tell me to stop trying to interpret things, to stop thinking that everything revolves around me, like i'm some stupid bloody centre of the world. i think some people just want me to shut up and stop disturbing them, because they've got enough on their own plate.
maybe this is a phase, like this entire teenage angst thing which is so ridiculously overdone. Everything just seems amplified and unique to you just because you're Young. it's some kind of silly standard statistical psycho-social-emotional-hormonal thing. like that ridiculous, 'one in four Singaporean teenagers have had sex' article on the newspapers. on good days like today i can laugh it off. but that day, somehow, everything did feel very painful.
i just re-read my last two lj posts - and am horrified that i was bandying the two most dangerous words in the world with such lack of restraint (eek - and now as a rj lit student i will never be able to think of this word without thinking of Kurtz from Conrad's Heart of Darkness. digression, digression - ).
so i really was miserable, that day at least. i don't want to hinge hopes on other people, because well. I'm not a person who naturally distrusts people - but then again, perhaps i do. i'm as open about what i think and feel about a lot of things as the next person, probably more so, but then i think for a long time coming, even as i try to grow in Christ, even as i love my mother and people like suanne and aud and trust them, even as i try to hold on to logic, there's been this part of me that is always so very faithless, so unable to adhere to simple, uncomplicated, positive hope in perhaps, at the risk of sounding maudlin, its purest sense. maybe - maybe it's a little poisonous seed of doubt that refuses to go away. just lets its rot take root and spread.
it's ridiculous, but i've been somehow feeling as if i'm running very low, on energy, on time, on love in general. perhaps i'm a terrible friend, student, daughter - i'm just going through the motions with all thought on myself without trying to love other people enough. but someone or other is always telling me that i should start worrying about myself and forget about other people's problems or what i perceive are the things that are niggling them. and others tell me to stop trying to interpret things, to stop thinking that everything revolves around me, like i'm some stupid bloody centre of the world. i think some people just want me to shut up and stop disturbing them, because they've got enough on their own plate.
maybe this is a phase, like this entire teenage angst thing which is so ridiculously overdone. Everything just seems amplified and unique to you just because you're Young. it's some kind of silly standard statistical psycho-social-emotional-hormonal thing. like that ridiculous, 'one in four Singaporean teenagers have had sex' article on the newspapers. on good days like today i can laugh it off. but that day, somehow, everything did feel very painful.