35 - voice;

[stilldontgotit]

[Filtered from Xion/100%]

What do you think about betrayal? Is it possible to ever make up for it, and just how far do you have to go to make up, anyway?

It's something I've been thinking about lately. Any answers would help...

[/Filtered]

Comments

[filter]

[stilldontgotit]

I know. I don't expect you to just forget it either.

Like I said, I know the Keyblade's why you had to die, and I didn't even understand the responsibilities that came with it.

[Sigh. There is another point to this..]

But before I left, I didn't look at the Keyblade that way. I knew it could hurt people, and I knew all about what happened to you, but I wanted to become stronger. And, trust me, I tried training for more than a year.

I got by, but when it came to things like the Third Party attack and the earthquake, I was helpless. I'm sure using the spirits would help, but at the time I didn't think it'd be enough.

And then, when we had to fight you, all I could do was land one hit. All that added up over time, and, selfish as it was, it just made me want one even more. But it wasn't just for my sake, either.

[It's something he's wanted to do ever since he was a kid, even if it got overshadowed by selfish urges. Protecting the people important to him... He's always had good intentions, in a roundabout way.]

I don't look at things that way now, but that's because I know better.

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[poppetry]

[ ... ]

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[poppetry]

I just wish you could have seen there was always another way. Before I had the Keyblade, I used a sword... and now that it's gone again, I'm using a bow.

... but I understand. I know what it's like to want to be strong when you're not and everyone around you is.

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[stilldontgotit]

I knew there was another way. I just wanted more than I could ever get here.

[...Wait.]

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[stilldontgotit]

... Hold it. You do?

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[poppetry]

... at home, I lost control of the Keyblade once. I couldn't summon it anymore. And when it happened, all I could do was fight with magic. I couldn't collect any hearts. Axel and Roxas had to cover for me constantly, but especially Roxas. He worked so hard to make sure he covered both our quotas, so Saix would never find out...

Since, when Saix did find out I'd done something wrong, he'd always ... get angry. Or... well, Saix never really got mad. But he'd call me worthless...

[ stupid puppet, who'd want her. they probably all thought it. she trails off, not really wanting to think about it. ]

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[stilldontgotit]

... Funny. I almost thought the same thing. Seeing Sora, Roxas, and even you with the Keyblade while I had nothing, it drove me insane. I acted all tough, but the truth is, I knew I wasn't as strong. Even my replica had more than me.

But you're not worthless, Xion.

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[poppetry]

... just remember you're not alone in feeling that way. Though I'm learning new things right now too...

[ a pause. she knows that -- or rather, she knows that other people think that. she's still not sure if she believes it herself. ] ... I know.

[filter]

[stilldontgotit]

Yeah, I know.

[He remains quiet for a while before speaking up again.]

But, honestly, there's something else that bugged me about all this.

[filter]

[poppetry]

... what's that?

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[stilldontgotit]

First, don't take this the wrong way; I know you didn't mean it like this, but...

[Sigh.]

It hurt. After all the time I spent with you, it felt like you were willing to put all that aside just because we viewed the Keyblade so differently. It was selfish and stupid, but honestly? Xion, I stuck by you even when my best friend's life was on the line, and fighting you was no picnic. If I really cared more about the Keyblade, then would I really do any of that? Before I left, that's how I felt.

You said that, in your time, I tell the truth, even if it hurts. Well, I hope this doesn't hurt you too much, but I've gotta be honest.

[filter]

[poppetry]

[ you know. Xion does try to be good about thinking things over, especially these days when she's had to mature so much.

but this is too much. it makes her angry, angrier than she's been in a long time, and she doesn't stop to think. ]

You were hurt?! Then maybe you can imagine how I felt, even the littlest bit! I got so upset because of those things, Riku! After everything that happened, you...! After seeing me when I was scared, and even helping fight me, and coming to find me in the rain after I came back! After everything that happened between us, YOU STILL FORGOT! You just didn't even think how much it would hurt me to hear you say something like that! You only thought about yourself and how badly you wanted the Keyblade, a weapon you didn't even understand! If you really cared, you wouldn't have made that mistake!

[ ... oof. after a statement like that, the silence is deafening, and Xion's anger leaves her abruptly. if he's even still listening, Xion adds this in much quieter, somewhat remorseful tones. ]

I do prefer honesty. Even if it does hurt. But that doesn't mean I'm always going to like it.

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[stilldontgotit]

[...Oh dear. Xion? It might take some time for him to reply, because that... hurts even more than you could imagine. He... might be raising his voice a little bit, but he's going to try and remain calm.]

Xion. People make mistakes. Sometimes they can't help it.

I'm not perfect. Truth is, I've still got my share of problems. I'm selfish, and I let that get in the way of things on more than one occasion.

Want to know why I wanted to become stronger? A part of it was because of me-- a big part, after all these years, but there was more to it. I wanted to protect what really matters, like my friends. I lost sight of that for a while, and I made my share of mistakes...

But even when I faced Sora, I was upset because I cared. And, much as I hurt you, at least I didn't come close to killing you as a result. I'm the reason my world fell to darkness, and if it wasn't for me, Sora wouldn't be stuck with all the responsibilities the Keyblade has to offer. He wouldn't be asleep because his memories got scrambled. Chances are he'd be safe, just like Kairi.

[Deep breaths, deeeep breaths]

I know what I said was wrong, believe me, I do, but just because I messed up doesn't mean I didn't care. You can't expect me to be perfect, and it's not like I can read minds.

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[poppetry]

[ she's gone from angry to deeply upset very quickly, and all she really wants to do is walk away from this like it never happened. she sounds beleaguered. ]

Riku, I know you care. Really. But just because you care doesn't mean you didn't thoughtlessly hurt my feelings. I'm not asking you to read my mind, I just...

It's too late now to go back and make it so that somehow, that never happened. I just ... I need time.

[filter]

[stilldontgotit]

I know. I know I hurt you, and I'm not expecting you to forget that.

Just...

[Sigh.]

Somehow, I hope we can sort this out someday.

[filter]

[poppetry]

[ ... all she really wants at moments like this, when he just sounds tired and sad, is to go find him and hug him. that she still has feelings for him is what makes this truly hard. sometimes she's angry and she wants space, but at very small moments like this she just wants to curl up in his arms again.

but that's not going to happen. not now, and not anytime soon. suddenly feeling exhausted beyond belief by this conversation, she just makes a sad, quiet noise. ]

I do too.