letter to myself in anguish

[stillbothered]

and....

i'm broken.

whew.

well, he's in.

and, in a way,

he's out.

boy, do i feel trashy.

i feel reeeeeallllly trashy, icky, and generally ... goopy.

and to think, i'm going to sicily tomorrow.

somewhere i've always dreamed of going...

and now...

i'm not even excited anymore.

i just want to cry.

well, that's a lie.

i HAVE been crying, so "want" is kind of out of the picture

heh

well...

i guess all there is left to do

is take one helluva long shower

to just...

remind myself

that at least one guy is always there:

one very big, nice, wonderful guy

who kinda saved my life

heh, he's a great one;

good ole' God.

i love Him.

yeah.

but...God?

...why?

i know he wanted this, and i know i didn't pray to stop him, and i know i just prayed for everything to work itself out, but jeez man....

why do i hurt so bad if i knew this was going to happen?

why do i feel like i broke something?

i tried to prepare myself,

kind of prep for this moment

and yet....i guess ya can't do that...

this feeling will still come

even if you prep for it

ya just gotta take it all in stride

take it all in

and just breathe.

just breathe....

just keep breathing katy

you CAN do this.

it'll be ok katy

it'll be ok

i know this is what you want hear hon

you want to hear good things hon

good things....

like a girl with rainbows for wheels

or pigeons marching in a circle

or sheilds that fear harvests within

or beauty...everywhere...

everywhere katy

so remember to trust that hon,

remember to trust what you have

remember, beauty...everywhere hon

everywhere.

trust it.

love it.

love.

just remember.....

~ko