last summer's breath
so maybe i'm just waking up from a daze of cool mornings and sweaty afternoons. my knees seemed to be permenantly caked with a comination of dirt, someone's spittle, and some form of art supply (such as stubbern gold glitter.)
i've come over a horizon of months, and i am almost complete with another journey. how to summerize this one-it's been a while.
how much have i truly learned?
i feel at this moment i may again be slipping into my confined space of house-treatment. as if this house actually can swallow me whole, so that i regress to a point that i had wafted from over a couple of weeks strung together like a pathetic noodle necklace made by a three year old.
i must hold out for school, it is a salvation and a golden release that just sets into my bones, making them strong again. able to walk for miles again. damn this body, it feels so numb right now.
i know what i want to do. i want to very badly right now. shoudl i call someone and risk scaring the crap out of them for something they will ultimately (perhaps) talk me out of? it's always a chance, a maybe. a coin toss of bodily perportions.
numbness is spreading. it's true, i want to push the limits of my pain right now just in order to feel the edges of my nerves. i wish i could feel the impecable molecules in the air, differentiating the miniature sparkles from the tiny glistens of light bouncing off of beauty. if i could just put myself back there, get that back.
what to do in order to get this again.
no lashes tonight, i don't want to scar anymore.
no bruises either, it's not worth it to explain.
no cold steel rods found in the closet next to my room, creaking the poor looking wodden door in order to retrieve memories and pain.
no, i cannot become a human push pin tonight, not without stumbling onto the porch quilt room and throwing it apart in order to find my lungs again.
i dare not even scream, to let my heart loose between my teeth.
no i cannot allow others to bring up their concer to me, i barely even wish to allow others to view this, though i know they may. they may read another of my rants and raves, driving me slowly to madness.
a madness that breathes a new breath within me, cordially bringing me into submissive positioning, just to see me squirm.
what is this desire to become whole again
what on earth do i think i am missing
that i have yearned to search all the people i have ever met, deep in their eyes, pouring over conversations with them just to gain something from them, something they barely know is there inside themselves. what am i stealing from them
what did i try to steal from so many people
a light?
a sorce?
dependability?
not these things, not even their personalities could trap me with them.
i always seek to be free
yet i always trap myself in the darkness.
huh....i guess i'm a lil fucked up.
oh well, just another feeling to pass up.
just another moment to make better.
so let's do that baby,
let's make you smile tonight.
goodnight.
i've come over a horizon of months, and i am almost complete with another journey. how to summerize this one-it's been a while.
how much have i truly learned?
i feel at this moment i may again be slipping into my confined space of house-treatment. as if this house actually can swallow me whole, so that i regress to a point that i had wafted from over a couple of weeks strung together like a pathetic noodle necklace made by a three year old.
i must hold out for school, it is a salvation and a golden release that just sets into my bones, making them strong again. able to walk for miles again. damn this body, it feels so numb right now.
i know what i want to do. i want to very badly right now. shoudl i call someone and risk scaring the crap out of them for something they will ultimately (perhaps) talk me out of? it's always a chance, a maybe. a coin toss of bodily perportions.
numbness is spreading. it's true, i want to push the limits of my pain right now just in order to feel the edges of my nerves. i wish i could feel the impecable molecules in the air, differentiating the miniature sparkles from the tiny glistens of light bouncing off of beauty. if i could just put myself back there, get that back.
what to do in order to get this again.
no lashes tonight, i don't want to scar anymore.
no bruises either, it's not worth it to explain.
no cold steel rods found in the closet next to my room, creaking the poor looking wodden door in order to retrieve memories and pain.
no, i cannot become a human push pin tonight, not without stumbling onto the porch quilt room and throwing it apart in order to find my lungs again.
i dare not even scream, to let my heart loose between my teeth.
no i cannot allow others to bring up their concer to me, i barely even wish to allow others to view this, though i know they may. they may read another of my rants and raves, driving me slowly to madness.
a madness that breathes a new breath within me, cordially bringing me into submissive positioning, just to see me squirm.
what is this desire to become whole again
what on earth do i think i am missing
that i have yearned to search all the people i have ever met, deep in their eyes, pouring over conversations with them just to gain something from them, something they barely know is there inside themselves. what am i stealing from them
what did i try to steal from so many people
a light?
a sorce?
dependability?
not these things, not even their personalities could trap me with them.
i always seek to be free
yet i always trap myself in the darkness.
huh....i guess i'm a lil fucked up.
oh well, just another feeling to pass up.
just another moment to make better.
so let's do that baby,
let's make you smile tonight.
goodnight.