one step made...
i just had an amazing day. lots of different emotions packed into one day-but somehow b/c I'm Katy Ott, I can carry them all. I woke up pretty early for a Saterday, around 10:30 or 11. Got dressed and ready to roll for around noon, called Andy to see what his situation was with packing and checking things were in order, and he needed more time so he said maybe 1 or 1:30. In that inbetween time I texted Callie to see what was going on for tomorrow (Sunday). I also started writing very in depth very personal messages to people, using the miracle of myspace. I messaged Laura, and Jer, and was working on Callie's when...she called me. And we chatted for a bit, a bit equaling roughly a half an hour or more. We set up for tomorrow at noon, and she asked how I was doing, I told her about Andy going away today and she understood. She let me know a lot of things that just kind of soothed my mind. I told her my game-plan pf sorts for the next six weeks...or rather four since I'll only be in Westfield for four while Andy is away. The other two (next saterday through july 2nd) I'm off to Scotland with my family-which will be an adventure of a completely different sort. So I talked to Callie and she just made me feel so much better about the coming month. Honestly, I really needed to hear the things she said. I appreciated it so much. So, she then invited me to hang out with Lisa and a couple others for later tonight, to go see a movie. She said that she'd call, and we said goodbye-for then! So I was thinking about checking how Andy was doing since it was nearing 1-but someone called me first. It was Jer. GOD was I happy to hear his voice. He automatically asked me what I was doing, and then asked what I was doing after I told him Andy and I were going to lunch before he left for study abroad. I said...I might go out with Callie and some others tonight. So-here's the deal- a little commentary on that AWESOMENESS there that's called Jeremy. He knew how honest I was in that message, and he took the initiative and called me up to make sure I was ok. Now that my dears, THAT is exactly what I expected not to happen to me for the next 4 weeks. I thought i was going to have to call everyone and make the plans...and then two people call me instantly and see when we can get together. Not IF- WHEN. I cannot describe the feeling I have at this moment, at THAT moment barely! I am very blessed to have people who care about me.
I am so glad that I am about to embark on my own journey, and I don't even need to take a trip overseas. All I need is to make a few calls, gather a few friends, make some more stories that will last me for another night, another day-push me up in the morning. That is what I need you see, because sometimes just because it's noon and I'm no longer actually tired does not mean I will get out of bed. I LOVE having something to look forward to, I thrive off of knowing what I'm doing the next day. I like having agendas, plans, a system to my life. It may not make sense to people that I'm an "artsy" type and yet crave boundaries and routine and a constant in my life. I need something constant, to keep my emotions intact, in harmony. If I do not have a system, my entire being rebels-I become what i do not wish to be ever again in my life. A person with horror and joy in every oriface of one moment, a complexity to the world that should not be viewed with my eyes, not when I cannot understand it. Not yet, I need time, time to learn and time to heal with what I have already seen. I am at war with myself, and it is constant, it will follow me for as long as I let it. In the past few years, in scant months even, I have hammered my way through concrete feelings of inadequacy, through fierce fears, through tyrrents of my own mind. I have won each battle, and I will win this war. I will not allow myself to run in fear from a world I know I can be a part of. A world that I want to better, even if I do not see my goals accomplished during my lifetime, I want my ideas to live onward, I want my love to rule this mind, no longer will my anger, resentment, and fear do so. I am through with that age of my life. I am finished with that existance. I will live in a better world, and I will make it so for myself. this will no longer be my hell that I am punished daily in, no longer will I wonder why I suffer with no proof of any wrongdoing. I will not question the ways of this world, I will be a pawn of this fate that calls itself my God, I will keep faith in this better existance because I can create it myself. I will create it, discover it, with the grace and glory of my own Lord. I will do this not for any but my own self. I am worth fighting for, I am worth discovering the truth, I am worth pushing down barriers that my own mind has created. I will do so in search of the person I know I can be, the person I am within. this person will be released, no longer will i have a cage of bone and liquid, I am stronger than grey matter I am stronger than material items. I will do what I must in order to be free. I will accomplish the goal I have had since my rebirth. I will be born again, not in body, but in mind.
well that was itchin' to get out wasn't it?
Ok, well my point is that I had a fabulous day today. I spent my last hour or so with Andy before we parted at exactly 3:33 pm, and we each went our seperate ways for the next 6 weeks. We will be able to speak to each other, when I get back from Scotland. Until then we will use aim and email, and I'm ok with that. It'll be different, but I will be ok. I will have a good time while he's away, and I'm going to make sure of that. He is such a...an amazing person, he is my best friend and I will miss him. Very much.
Andy and I went to Applebee's, I was pretty quiet since when I get really wrapped up in emotions I tend to lose my voice for a bit. So if you ever notice that I'm very quiet, ask me what's up. Cahnces are I'll say "nothing" first, but if you give me a chance, I will tell you what I need to let out. And trust me, I need to let it out. After I got home from Andy-time, I was ok for a little bit. I went upstairs pretty much right away, got undressed into my simmons hoodie, took out my contacts, cuddled up with Jamal-Andy's build-a-bear bear- and fell asleep for a while. I thought my dad was making steaks on the grill for dinner, (and I thought to myself dammit, I wanted lasagna) but when I woke up I smelled somethin baked, turns out he made lasagna and garlic bread. Total comfort food. Except I wasn't really hungry, I guess I was still full from Applebee's. Plus my appetite kind of left me, I was a little sullen. When I get emotional I can go one of two ways with food: either not at all hungry and I won't eat for days-sometimes on accident, or putting food in my mouth when I know I hurt from so much food already, trying to gain back emotion that I feel I have lost. Anyway, I had lasagna and it was really good! And then I went back upstairs to my room and was going to take another nap, but I just couldn't do it, I was thinking too much. A lot was running through my mind, I just...missed him. Jamal smells like him though, so that's nice. I'll have his scent near by for a while. That's important to me, I am very attracted to Andy's smell, but also it has such a calming effect on me. I slept with his shirt all week, he gave it to me after Brit Terry's bonfire last Friday, and I would smell it while I drifted into sleep-it was so nice. Ok, so you all might think I'm completely nuts now, but who gives a shit. I like having these little things, they make me very happy. He also gave me the remainder of his dvd collection-all the dvds he didn't bring with him overseas. There is a LOT, so anyone need a movie night just ask me what I got! I also got a shirt to replace the one I gave back to him from last Friday-it's the constable shirt. the constable shirt he wore in Fiddler that I took when we were cleaning out the costume room and striking the set. The constable shirt that I slept in as a nightgown. The constable shirt that I gave back to Andy when we were together a while. The constable shirt that we first had a real conversation in, during the time he fell for me. It smells like him, but it also packs a punch other than that.
So anyway, I couldn't sleep. So I was looking around and thinking to myself I probably have a while till Callie calls and we see a movie....I'm going to do some art. So I got some of my books out, marked some pages I wanted to draw, and then decided I wasn't going to start off with someone else's work, but my own instead. I took a self-portrait off my iphoto, one of a series of black and whites I took while I was still in Boston, and I made it fit the screen. I got my pad of paper out, my materials, and I went to work. I'm not completely sure if I'm finished or not, it looks acceptable, but I might work on a few spots tomorrow. I worked with vine charcoal and charcoal pencil, with eraser work too. I like it, a lot actually. I'm going to do more art tomorrow...and pack. AHHH I have to pack tomorrow!! I have to do some major laundry tomorrow, woo boy. And clean my room like a maniac. Which surprisingly won't be that difficult. YAY for that. Tomorrow, Adam Brown (?) for a bit, and then lunch with Callie, hanging out, that kind of jazz. Then home and do all the stuff I mentioned before. Hopefully I'll hear from Andy tomorrow at some point, he texted me tonight-"I just got on the plane, I love you so much, try to have some fun during this time for me." Yeah....So I love him. ...Just in case you couldn't tell or something. *smiles*
Tonight, after the drawing artsy portion of my night, I went to see x-men 3 again (3rd time in fact) with Callie, Lisa, Mal, and Kelly. It was so much fun! They are all so great, I need more hang out time with them. Like...a LOT more. Kelly had seen x-men 3 before, but hadn't seen the surprise at the end! So it was wicked fun having her so excited about it, and Calli and Lisa it was their first time seeing x-men 3 at all. so it was a really fun night. A good time had by all I think. And tomorrow, more of the same.
I love him.
I love this life, damn I have it good.
Write again soon.
I am so glad that I am about to embark on my own journey, and I don't even need to take a trip overseas. All I need is to make a few calls, gather a few friends, make some more stories that will last me for another night, another day-push me up in the morning. That is what I need you see, because sometimes just because it's noon and I'm no longer actually tired does not mean I will get out of bed. I LOVE having something to look forward to, I thrive off of knowing what I'm doing the next day. I like having agendas, plans, a system to my life. It may not make sense to people that I'm an "artsy" type and yet crave boundaries and routine and a constant in my life. I need something constant, to keep my emotions intact, in harmony. If I do not have a system, my entire being rebels-I become what i do not wish to be ever again in my life. A person with horror and joy in every oriface of one moment, a complexity to the world that should not be viewed with my eyes, not when I cannot understand it. Not yet, I need time, time to learn and time to heal with what I have already seen. I am at war with myself, and it is constant, it will follow me for as long as I let it. In the past few years, in scant months even, I have hammered my way through concrete feelings of inadequacy, through fierce fears, through tyrrents of my own mind. I have won each battle, and I will win this war. I will not allow myself to run in fear from a world I know I can be a part of. A world that I want to better, even if I do not see my goals accomplished during my lifetime, I want my ideas to live onward, I want my love to rule this mind, no longer will my anger, resentment, and fear do so. I am through with that age of my life. I am finished with that existance. I will live in a better world, and I will make it so for myself. this will no longer be my hell that I am punished daily in, no longer will I wonder why I suffer with no proof of any wrongdoing. I will not question the ways of this world, I will be a pawn of this fate that calls itself my God, I will keep faith in this better existance because I can create it myself. I will create it, discover it, with the grace and glory of my own Lord. I will do this not for any but my own self. I am worth fighting for, I am worth discovering the truth, I am worth pushing down barriers that my own mind has created. I will do so in search of the person I know I can be, the person I am within. this person will be released, no longer will i have a cage of bone and liquid, I am stronger than grey matter I am stronger than material items. I will do what I must in order to be free. I will accomplish the goal I have had since my rebirth. I will be born again, not in body, but in mind.
well that was itchin' to get out wasn't it?
Ok, well my point is that I had a fabulous day today. I spent my last hour or so with Andy before we parted at exactly 3:33 pm, and we each went our seperate ways for the next 6 weeks. We will be able to speak to each other, when I get back from Scotland. Until then we will use aim and email, and I'm ok with that. It'll be different, but I will be ok. I will have a good time while he's away, and I'm going to make sure of that. He is such a...an amazing person, he is my best friend and I will miss him. Very much.
Andy and I went to Applebee's, I was pretty quiet since when I get really wrapped up in emotions I tend to lose my voice for a bit. So if you ever notice that I'm very quiet, ask me what's up. Cahnces are I'll say "nothing" first, but if you give me a chance, I will tell you what I need to let out. And trust me, I need to let it out. After I got home from Andy-time, I was ok for a little bit. I went upstairs pretty much right away, got undressed into my simmons hoodie, took out my contacts, cuddled up with Jamal-Andy's build-a-bear bear- and fell asleep for a while. I thought my dad was making steaks on the grill for dinner, (and I thought to myself dammit, I wanted lasagna) but when I woke up I smelled somethin baked, turns out he made lasagna and garlic bread. Total comfort food. Except I wasn't really hungry, I guess I was still full from Applebee's. Plus my appetite kind of left me, I was a little sullen. When I get emotional I can go one of two ways with food: either not at all hungry and I won't eat for days-sometimes on accident, or putting food in my mouth when I know I hurt from so much food already, trying to gain back emotion that I feel I have lost. Anyway, I had lasagna and it was really good! And then I went back upstairs to my room and was going to take another nap, but I just couldn't do it, I was thinking too much. A lot was running through my mind, I just...missed him. Jamal smells like him though, so that's nice. I'll have his scent near by for a while. That's important to me, I am very attracted to Andy's smell, but also it has such a calming effect on me. I slept with his shirt all week, he gave it to me after Brit Terry's bonfire last Friday, and I would smell it while I drifted into sleep-it was so nice. Ok, so you all might think I'm completely nuts now, but who gives a shit. I like having these little things, they make me very happy. He also gave me the remainder of his dvd collection-all the dvds he didn't bring with him overseas. There is a LOT, so anyone need a movie night just ask me what I got! I also got a shirt to replace the one I gave back to him from last Friday-it's the constable shirt. the constable shirt he wore in Fiddler that I took when we were cleaning out the costume room and striking the set. The constable shirt that I slept in as a nightgown. The constable shirt that I gave back to Andy when we were together a while. The constable shirt that we first had a real conversation in, during the time he fell for me. It smells like him, but it also packs a punch other than that.
So anyway, I couldn't sleep. So I was looking around and thinking to myself I probably have a while till Callie calls and we see a movie....I'm going to do some art. So I got some of my books out, marked some pages I wanted to draw, and then decided I wasn't going to start off with someone else's work, but my own instead. I took a self-portrait off my iphoto, one of a series of black and whites I took while I was still in Boston, and I made it fit the screen. I got my pad of paper out, my materials, and I went to work. I'm not completely sure if I'm finished or not, it looks acceptable, but I might work on a few spots tomorrow. I worked with vine charcoal and charcoal pencil, with eraser work too. I like it, a lot actually. I'm going to do more art tomorrow...and pack. AHHH I have to pack tomorrow!! I have to do some major laundry tomorrow, woo boy. And clean my room like a maniac. Which surprisingly won't be that difficult. YAY for that. Tomorrow, Adam Brown (?) for a bit, and then lunch with Callie, hanging out, that kind of jazz. Then home and do all the stuff I mentioned before. Hopefully I'll hear from Andy tomorrow at some point, he texted me tonight-"I just got on the plane, I love you so much, try to have some fun during this time for me." Yeah....So I love him. ...Just in case you couldn't tell or something. *smiles*
Tonight, after the drawing artsy portion of my night, I went to see x-men 3 again (3rd time in fact) with Callie, Lisa, Mal, and Kelly. It was so much fun! They are all so great, I need more hang out time with them. Like...a LOT more. Kelly had seen x-men 3 before, but hadn't seen the surprise at the end! So it was wicked fun having her so excited about it, and Calli and Lisa it was their first time seeing x-men 3 at all. so it was a really fun night. A good time had by all I think. And tomorrow, more of the same.
I love him.
I love this life, damn I have it good.
Write again soon.