facing my fear

[stillbothered]

so i need to write, mainly b/c last night's entry made no sense to a lot of people. and partly b/c it came before Andy called me. He leaves at 4:30 pm today. His plane takes off at 9:30, but it's in Boston and you have to be at the airport waaaay ahead of time too. So, he leaves at 4:30. And we talked for a while last night, I cried for a long time

Comments

[mever]

Oh Katy!! I know exactly how you feel about needing to be needed... or at least needing to feel needed and wanted especially at parties and social gatherings. To me, you are one of the strongest people I know and sincerely nice. You have always, ALWAYS, been there for me and defended me throughout all the drama of rooming this past year and you are amazing! It's easy to say but not easy to do, but you have such an amazing personality, an amazing person, that you should not let what other people are thinking or what they do, when they don't come looking for you let that bother you. I know, I know. It seems impossible at times. It's funny cause i've done the same thing at parties. I've gone off into the house and crawled into a corner to be by myself and just wait and see if/when i would be missed. but the thing is, at parties especially, people are into themselves. They are into the guy/girl they are sitting next to and they aren't looking for other people and they aren't keeping track of where people are or what they are doing. It just the way most people are. I know you already know this but, i'm just discovering that for myself. Especially with this one friend from home, i keep on calling her and somehow i think that if i keep contact with her we can rekindle the friendship but now i'm realizing that friendship is lost and i feel like i am losing all these friendships because of my over protectiveness and need to feel like i'm in a committed friendly relationship. I don't know if I am making any sense but i hope I am. See the thing i think is the "problem" with you and I is that we have really high standards of friendship. If you call someone, we expect calls back, if we are upset and try to convey it, we expect on some level that our friend is going to notice and pull aside and into their arms. We expect that if the person has a problem with us they will tell us and that everything can be resolved. You are a great friend to have and although people love you for that you are looking for yourself to be a friend to. As in, you are a wonderful listener and give great advise, you host amazing parties and have such a strong faith and fasinating stories ( a total package) and as much as you enjoy giving and enjoy being that good friend you want someone else to do the same for you. I don't know, but i hope i am making a point. I love you Katy Ott and if you need someone to talk to I will be here, a phone call, livejournal, facebook post, im away. (I still have that sleeping problem and will answer your call, even if it's at 4:30 in the morning)

Lots of Love,

Megan