(no subject)
I drank enough to endanger my health tonight. I don't remember it - there's nothing there, just a big black hole. Apparently I drank enough that I was vomiting into a trashcan Curtis brought me and all over the front of myself. I sent an IM to my friend consisting of little more than random letters. He had to strip the sheets off my bed and wash them, and carry me into the bathroom and lay me across the toilet. And when I finally came to my senses he was standing over me, drawn and worried and he looked like he was in about as much pain as I was.
That's what it was - pain. The pain was so bad. It's always so bad now, and I can't just keep taking more and more oxycodone. I tried alcohol to amplify its effects and got carried away, trying to keep that pain away.
And the crazy thing...? The pain's still there. As soon as I woke from my drunken stupor it was there, like a nest of hammer-weilding fire ants living in my bone marrow.
That's how I measure my time now. Pain, pain, pain, and slightly less pain. Tonight I realized it can't go on. If the surgery doesn't happen soon, or doesn't make a difference, I'll go mad.
It hurts. Always, so bad. I'm hurting.
I hurt. So much - always.
....if it doesn't go away, I'll die.
That's what it was - pain. The pain was so bad. It's always so bad now, and I can't just keep taking more and more oxycodone. I tried alcohol to amplify its effects and got carried away, trying to keep that pain away.
And the crazy thing...? The pain's still there. As soon as I woke from my drunken stupor it was there, like a nest of hammer-weilding fire ants living in my bone marrow.
That's how I measure my time now. Pain, pain, pain, and slightly less pain. Tonight I realized it can't go on. If the surgery doesn't happen soon, or doesn't make a difference, I'll go mad.
It hurts. Always, so bad. I'm hurting.
I hurt. So much - always.
....if it doesn't go away, I'll die.