Can We Pleeeeeeeze lose the drama?!
Alritey...I unloaded all my stuff...moved away from all the crazy people in my life...have as little as possible to do w/ the crazy people that I have to deal with (they don't know where I live and I deal w/ them only when necessary)
Den survived his 1/2 gallon a day for almost 2 year binge...lost everything and ended up living in a group home (for health reasons, not alcohol)...as I mentioned in an earlier post, you need to want to stop, not just have to stop...stopping and returning to the couch you almost died on is asking for trouble. As soon as he got a new ride he was back on the couch, losing his housing that the state was paying $3,000 a month for. Doesn't appear to be drinking, which is good since he now has end-stage liver disease. However, he is obviously doing something. So I paid him a visit. I told him he looked liked shit. He insisted that he looks great. I told him that I bet he sold his new glasses for crack. He told me he did no such thing, as he continuously peered outside from the left side of the closed mini-blinds, distracted by the conversation in the next room. Rock on, Den, rock on.
My ex is denying me access to the weekend event. Insists that I am not welcome and have done nothing but destroy his life. Of course, he can't be a grown up and tell me this directly. He has to call and leave messages on my mother's answering machine. I didn't want to go to begin with. Apparently, after 10 years, he's decided it is best to go into no contact mode. LOL Not that it matters at this point, but suffice it to say that it was he who did the destroying...all I did was move out and go through a 3 year divorce (he filed, under false pretenses even). I actually won, and then proceeded to have the judge reduce everything that had been awarded me by 50%, because that was as low as the courts would allow. The last time I spoke to him was 2 years ago when he called me, trying to start trouble. I refused to participate and told him not to involve me in his issues again. Whatever. Minor irritation that he would still try to upset me. Anger that he is hurting others in order to do so. No ill will, just shaking my head in disbelief that someone could go through life not learning a damned thing. Prediction (Because I can!): He's reaching the 7 year mark again-all will soon be lost, because that is what he does. However, this time he has more to lose than he ever had before, and a wife to boot. Most women aren't nearly as generous as I was in divorce court after being put through hell. Rock on, Mike, rock on.
R., I don't know why I've added you to this list, but here you are. If I had gone back and read past entries, I may have saved myself some pain. See "If you really wanted to fuck with me, you should've gotten to me years ago" post. I let you in. My mistake. I thought you were special. I was wrong. Sorry about that. No, I was not trying to save you, only you can do that. I've been bouncing between pain and gleeful thoughts of revenge for the past two months. Finally, the other day, I decided to put a voodoo curse on you and be done with it. I made the inquiry as to the cost of such an item. Was told it would depend on birthdates and the type of curse needed. I gave the birthdates and have not heard anything back again, though the first exchanges were within minutes. What's up with that?! Anyways, it doesn't matter. I feel better now. Wondering what she did with those birthdates, but whatever. I immediately imposed no contact with you. You put forth some effort and called and came by. I immediately threw you off-track and you stopped. Then you suddenly called, because you need to pay back the money you owe me. You didn't have to, it was all part of the game. Then you called me a few weeks later, from her phone and talked to me for 3 hours. That is the only reason I talked to you, because you were on her phone and she will see my number on the bill. I'm still stunned that you would actually choose to live with someone of that caliper, in such a dreadful lifestyle. Unbelievable. Perhaps you ought to remember where you came from. And I sit here feeling sorry for you because you have no one to talk to, how cool is that? I do. I feel bad for you. Mostly because you chose the path you're on. You are nothing more than a liar, in all aspects of your life, but most of all, you lie to yourself. And you are stupid enough to believe your own lies. I let you in, but you merely skimmed the surface. That is more than anyone has ever accomplished, but just think of all the wondrous things you'll never get to see. And I? I saw all there is to see. As I told you numerous times, just because I don't speak of something doesn't mean I don't see it. I just didn't feel the need to let you know all that I know. *Never offer information! You did not accomplish your mission. I do not, COULD NOT, hate you, ever. (That sucks, because that means it was real.) You are not even worthy of my hate!HAAAAAAAA! I never instinctively trusted you, as past entries document. I chose to believe in you, against my own intelligence. You got away only with what I allowed you to get away with. Simple as that. You still have a key...I haven't asked for it back. You haven't mentioned it. Why? I'm sure in your mind it means that I will think you will one day be back. Possibly, but I doubt it, to you it means that you can always come back. If I asked you, you would probably tell me that you lost it, which would be a lie. Or maybe, but I doubt it, you would say you forgot and then return it. That would be a lie as well. You don't forget things like that. And you don't want to return it. It is a sort of souvenir. You'd be amazed at my souvenir collection :) And why don't I mention it? Because I am allowing you to have whatever thoughts you have about it, simple as that. So, enjoy your new life...I'm sure she'll understand completely when you channel the spirit of some Viet Nam vet, or freak because your dead father is talking to you in the middle of the night, or go into all the details of your previous sins that you'd never spoken of. I'm sure she'll handle it all with grace. And no...I will not keep that promise I made to you. Promises are made to be broken in your world. I play by the rulez. Oh, by the way...when we previously parted I could not speak to you for a long time...not because I was mad, which is what you thought, and I never corrected you. It was because I was hurt. If I had been mad, I would've been able to talk to you. You mentioned "well, you can talk to me now so..."and I forgot the rest...maybe you said I still hate you or something...again I allowed you to think what you think. You think you've accomplished part of a mission by getting me to talk to you. In reality, I was just pissed. I'm hoping you never get to see the hurt I feel, because I'm embarrassed by it. Eventually, it will bury itself somewhere and I will speak to you only in a detached sort of way...you know what I'm talking about...I'm sorry, do I know you? I will make you a stranger. And you will never be comfortable with that. If our energies do, in fact, ever converge again, you will know it is I by the icy chill you will feel. And regardless of what you think everyone does...I gave you a second chance...something no one has ever gotten before. It won't happen again. When I'm done, I'm done, and that is a fact. And I will never be your friend. Oh, and while I deleted your # from my phone, I did add a call tone for your specific #, so the last few times you've called, that was a Priest song...and I told you I had no idea what you were talking about...but I have to change it because I found a Ramones song, and while I find this to be completely incredible and possible destiny taking its course, I'm rather saddened that Ramones songs are being sold as call tones...and you won't call for many years I'm sure, but just in case ;) (I know how you like to be reminded of the old days!) Just remember...you say things I say that I didn't say that I said.
And...I am unsure as to whether I have to move at the end of the month or not. The last time I spoke to the landlord, we agreed on the month of June. She left me a message a few weeks ago saying I could stay through the summer, I called her back, but didn't hear back from her. It is now rent time again and I don't know if I'm supposed to send a check out or not. I left her a message saying I'd like to stay through the summer, but I haven't heard back from her. What to do?
Oh, and I'm amused by the fact that while the word "fuck" is omitted when Crazy Bitch is played on the radio, they do allow "bitch". More so amused by people who have only heard the radio version and are completely shocked by the fact that there are more words on the cd version.
And why can't people just leave Axel alone? I hear Velvet Revolver and I think what great GnR tunes they would be with Axel on vocals...am I the only one hearing this? Listen! Fade out Scott's voice (not that we don't like Scott...) add Axel...can ya hear it? There was a time when everyone hated certain other singers too...not because they,um, didn't feel like going to work some nights!...but because they did some really fucked up things...and they persevered...and now we'll never be free of them...because if we don't love them, we are amused by them. Leave the poor guy alone, he's had enough shit to deal with.
What else can I bitch about...there's got to be something...
Ohhhhhh...I didn't get the stupid cat fixed and now he's started to spray...and it's going to cost $250 to take care of that problem, not to mention the cleaning...yuk...did I mention I don't really like cats? He was Den's cat...he's kind of strange...I think because of Den...and the rum...the cat really likes rum...if you say the word "rum", he comes running...not that I've ever given him rum...but I've heard stories. He also fetches...as in if you throw a ball to him, he will pick it up in his mouth and bring it back to you...R. taught him that. I don't play those games. Now he carries the ball up onto the counter, drops it, and runs realllllly quick to go catch it. He's wacked. Also, he climbs into the bed via the bottom right corner, under the covers, and stays right in the corner, under the covers, most of the day. I think he used to do that to hide from Den. I've heard stories.
Josh flew in last weekend from LA...work related...I picked him up...and we hung out w/ Steve in Boston...beer and Jager? I think that's it...I can't ever get that one right, but I tried it and I liked it :) then Chinese in Chinatown...& Steve took us on tour. Josh had to be at work at 7am...and was sooooo worried about me not getting him there on time...but he made it...we arrived up north at around 4:30ish and sat in Dunkin Donuts parking lot until 6:45...he tried to get me to talk...I wouldn't...he's a counselor of sorts...and a good friend...He thinks it's all about trust. That's what they teach you. It's not. It's about having to come to terms with myself. And I wasn't up for it. I just kept telling him I didn't want to talk about it...and proceeded to get him to sing Frank Zappa tunes until I fell asleep. He's been doing that since we were kids. On the opposite side of things, he's been known to have me stay on the phone with him, telling him stories or just talking to him until he falls asleep.
In other news, I went to the beach this evening...I found a small non-touristy nice one...and have decided I should really go to the beach more often :)
Den survived his 1/2 gallon a day for almost 2 year binge...lost everything and ended up living in a group home (for health reasons, not alcohol)...as I mentioned in an earlier post, you need to want to stop, not just have to stop...stopping and returning to the couch you almost died on is asking for trouble. As soon as he got a new ride he was back on the couch, losing his housing that the state was paying $3,000 a month for. Doesn't appear to be drinking, which is good since he now has end-stage liver disease. However, he is obviously doing something. So I paid him a visit. I told him he looked liked shit. He insisted that he looks great. I told him that I bet he sold his new glasses for crack. He told me he did no such thing, as he continuously peered outside from the left side of the closed mini-blinds, distracted by the conversation in the next room. Rock on, Den, rock on.
My ex is denying me access to the weekend event. Insists that I am not welcome and have done nothing but destroy his life. Of course, he can't be a grown up and tell me this directly. He has to call and leave messages on my mother's answering machine. I didn't want to go to begin with. Apparently, after 10 years, he's decided it is best to go into no contact mode. LOL Not that it matters at this point, but suffice it to say that it was he who did the destroying...all I did was move out and go through a 3 year divorce (he filed, under false pretenses even). I actually won, and then proceeded to have the judge reduce everything that had been awarded me by 50%, because that was as low as the courts would allow. The last time I spoke to him was 2 years ago when he called me, trying to start trouble. I refused to participate and told him not to involve me in his issues again. Whatever. Minor irritation that he would still try to upset me. Anger that he is hurting others in order to do so. No ill will, just shaking my head in disbelief that someone could go through life not learning a damned thing. Prediction (Because I can!): He's reaching the 7 year mark again-all will soon be lost, because that is what he does. However, this time he has more to lose than he ever had before, and a wife to boot. Most women aren't nearly as generous as I was in divorce court after being put through hell. Rock on, Mike, rock on.
R., I don't know why I've added you to this list, but here you are. If I had gone back and read past entries, I may have saved myself some pain. See "If you really wanted to fuck with me, you should've gotten to me years ago" post. I let you in. My mistake. I thought you were special. I was wrong. Sorry about that. No, I was not trying to save you, only you can do that. I've been bouncing between pain and gleeful thoughts of revenge for the past two months. Finally, the other day, I decided to put a voodoo curse on you and be done with it. I made the inquiry as to the cost of such an item. Was told it would depend on birthdates and the type of curse needed. I gave the birthdates and have not heard anything back again, though the first exchanges were within minutes. What's up with that?! Anyways, it doesn't matter. I feel better now. Wondering what she did with those birthdates, but whatever. I immediately imposed no contact with you. You put forth some effort and called and came by. I immediately threw you off-track and you stopped. Then you suddenly called, because you need to pay back the money you owe me. You didn't have to, it was all part of the game. Then you called me a few weeks later, from her phone and talked to me for 3 hours. That is the only reason I talked to you, because you were on her phone and she will see my number on the bill. I'm still stunned that you would actually choose to live with someone of that caliper, in such a dreadful lifestyle. Unbelievable. Perhaps you ought to remember where you came from. And I sit here feeling sorry for you because you have no one to talk to, how cool is that? I do. I feel bad for you. Mostly because you chose the path you're on. You are nothing more than a liar, in all aspects of your life, but most of all, you lie to yourself. And you are stupid enough to believe your own lies. I let you in, but you merely skimmed the surface. That is more than anyone has ever accomplished, but just think of all the wondrous things you'll never get to see. And I? I saw all there is to see. As I told you numerous times, just because I don't speak of something doesn't mean I don't see it. I just didn't feel the need to let you know all that I know. *Never offer information! You did not accomplish your mission. I do not, COULD NOT, hate you, ever. (That sucks, because that means it was real.) You are not even worthy of my hate!HAAAAAAAA! I never instinctively trusted you, as past entries document. I chose to believe in you, against my own intelligence. You got away only with what I allowed you to get away with. Simple as that. You still have a key...I haven't asked for it back. You haven't mentioned it. Why? I'm sure in your mind it means that I will think you will one day be back. Possibly, but I doubt it, to you it means that you can always come back. If I asked you, you would probably tell me that you lost it, which would be a lie. Or maybe, but I doubt it, you would say you forgot and then return it. That would be a lie as well. You don't forget things like that. And you don't want to return it. It is a sort of souvenir. You'd be amazed at my souvenir collection :) And why don't I mention it? Because I am allowing you to have whatever thoughts you have about it, simple as that. So, enjoy your new life...I'm sure she'll understand completely when you channel the spirit of some Viet Nam vet, or freak because your dead father is talking to you in the middle of the night, or go into all the details of your previous sins that you'd never spoken of. I'm sure she'll handle it all with grace. And no...I will not keep that promise I made to you. Promises are made to be broken in your world. I play by the rulez. Oh, by the way...when we previously parted I could not speak to you for a long time...not because I was mad, which is what you thought, and I never corrected you. It was because I was hurt. If I had been mad, I would've been able to talk to you. You mentioned "well, you can talk to me now so..."and I forgot the rest...maybe you said I still hate you or something...again I allowed you to think what you think. You think you've accomplished part of a mission by getting me to talk to you. In reality, I was just pissed. I'm hoping you never get to see the hurt I feel, because I'm embarrassed by it. Eventually, it will bury itself somewhere and I will speak to you only in a detached sort of way...you know what I'm talking about...I'm sorry, do I know you? I will make you a stranger. And you will never be comfortable with that. If our energies do, in fact, ever converge again, you will know it is I by the icy chill you will feel. And regardless of what you think everyone does...I gave you a second chance...something no one has ever gotten before. It won't happen again. When I'm done, I'm done, and that is a fact. And I will never be your friend. Oh, and while I deleted your # from my phone, I did add a call tone for your specific #, so the last few times you've called, that was a Priest song...and I told you I had no idea what you were talking about...but I have to change it because I found a Ramones song, and while I find this to be completely incredible and possible destiny taking its course, I'm rather saddened that Ramones songs are being sold as call tones...and you won't call for many years I'm sure, but just in case ;) (I know how you like to be reminded of the old days!) Just remember...you say things I say that I didn't say that I said.
And...I am unsure as to whether I have to move at the end of the month or not. The last time I spoke to the landlord, we agreed on the month of June. She left me a message a few weeks ago saying I could stay through the summer, I called her back, but didn't hear back from her. It is now rent time again and I don't know if I'm supposed to send a check out or not. I left her a message saying I'd like to stay through the summer, but I haven't heard back from her. What to do?
Oh, and I'm amused by the fact that while the word "fuck" is omitted when Crazy Bitch is played on the radio, they do allow "bitch". More so amused by people who have only heard the radio version and are completely shocked by the fact that there are more words on the cd version.
And why can't people just leave Axel alone? I hear Velvet Revolver and I think what great GnR tunes they would be with Axel on vocals...am I the only one hearing this? Listen! Fade out Scott's voice (not that we don't like Scott...) add Axel...can ya hear it? There was a time when everyone hated certain other singers too...not because they,um, didn't feel like going to work some nights!...but because they did some really fucked up things...and they persevered...and now we'll never be free of them...because if we don't love them, we are amused by them. Leave the poor guy alone, he's had enough shit to deal with.
What else can I bitch about...there's got to be something...
Ohhhhhh...I didn't get the stupid cat fixed and now he's started to spray...and it's going to cost $250 to take care of that problem, not to mention the cleaning...yuk...did I mention I don't really like cats? He was Den's cat...he's kind of strange...I think because of Den...and the rum...the cat really likes rum...if you say the word "rum", he comes running...not that I've ever given him rum...but I've heard stories. He also fetches...as in if you throw a ball to him, he will pick it up in his mouth and bring it back to you...R. taught him that. I don't play those games. Now he carries the ball up onto the counter, drops it, and runs realllllly quick to go catch it. He's wacked. Also, he climbs into the bed via the bottom right corner, under the covers, and stays right in the corner, under the covers, most of the day. I think he used to do that to hide from Den. I've heard stories.
Josh flew in last weekend from LA...work related...I picked him up...and we hung out w/ Steve in Boston...beer and Jager? I think that's it...I can't ever get that one right, but I tried it and I liked it :) then Chinese in Chinatown...& Steve took us on tour. Josh had to be at work at 7am...and was sooooo worried about me not getting him there on time...but he made it...we arrived up north at around 4:30ish and sat in Dunkin Donuts parking lot until 6:45...he tried to get me to talk...I wouldn't...he's a counselor of sorts...and a good friend...He thinks it's all about trust. That's what they teach you. It's not. It's about having to come to terms with myself. And I wasn't up for it. I just kept telling him I didn't want to talk about it...and proceeded to get him to sing Frank Zappa tunes until I fell asleep. He's been doing that since we were kids. On the opposite side of things, he's been known to have me stay on the phone with him, telling him stories or just talking to him until he falls asleep.
In other news, I went to the beach this evening...I found a small non-touristy nice one...and have decided I should really go to the beach more often :)