back where i am...
it's been a long time since i've written.. like always.. i don't even know if anyone reads this anymore.. but i feel like things haven't changed at all since last year.. it's back to the same thing..
i fucked up pretty bad this semester and now i don't know how to get my life back together.. i've never felt so disappointed in myself and ashamed.. how could i let this happen? i feel like i have no will power for anything these days and i keep on disappointing myself and family.
so here i am drinking a wine cooler because i have to get rid of it somehow.. but i'm drinking it by myself.. umm is this the beginning of being an alcoholic? nahhh.. and all of my friends went back home for break and i'm just hangin out.. but things are pretty much the same if not exactly like last year..
i have great, wonderful, fantastic friends, i couldn't ask for better.. but my heart has been broken once again and i'm being played.. i know this is happening yet i'm 1) letting him get away with it and 2) torturing myself even more.. i hate, deeply hate being this vulnerable.. i've lost a part of myself and i'm having a hard time finding it.. why do i let him do this to me? why do i let him make me feel like shit and treat me like shit every time we hang out and after we hang out... i keep going back to him, keep thinking we're gonna get back together.. hope we get back together and i can't picture my life without him.. but just when i think he's turning around.. it's always just a false alarm.. i keep hoping i'm worth changing for but i guess i'm not.. maybe someday i will be...
yea this is pretty much a pathetic entry.. but my grades are still horrible.. it's getting to the point to where i don't think i'll be attending UA much longer.. pretty sad because i absolutely love it here.. i feel like i try and i study and i am confident but i get let down everytime.. i'm counting down the days til new year's because i want this horrible year to be over.. who knows it's probably not just this year.. things never seem to go the way i hope.. i just want to stop being the bitter bitch that i've turned out to be.. i'm constantly complaining and i'm so unhappy.. what did i do wrong? why is all the bad things happening to me? ok.. i'm being quite selfish, bratty and spoiled right now.. but dealing with three deaths in one year, my dad having a heart attack, getting horrible grades and two serious heart breaks is more than i've been able to handle.. there have been so many times that i want to give up, run away and do stupid things but it's not worth it and i just keep hoping, praying that things will get better..
i'm not trying to ask for sympathy or want anyone's pity just like always.. no one can fix my problems but myself.. and i'm looking forward to the break now.. just relaxing and getting my life back together will be very nice.. however, i'm definitely not looking forward to my parents finding out about my grades and me not even having a job.. i'm in such desperate need of money.. ahh ok i'm done no more complainingggg
i fucked up pretty bad this semester and now i don't know how to get my life back together.. i've never felt so disappointed in myself and ashamed.. how could i let this happen? i feel like i have no will power for anything these days and i keep on disappointing myself and family.
so here i am drinking a wine cooler because i have to get rid of it somehow.. but i'm drinking it by myself.. umm is this the beginning of being an alcoholic? nahhh.. and all of my friends went back home for break and i'm just hangin out.. but things are pretty much the same if not exactly like last year..
i have great, wonderful, fantastic friends, i couldn't ask for better.. but my heart has been broken once again and i'm being played.. i know this is happening yet i'm 1) letting him get away with it and 2) torturing myself even more.. i hate, deeply hate being this vulnerable.. i've lost a part of myself and i'm having a hard time finding it.. why do i let him do this to me? why do i let him make me feel like shit and treat me like shit every time we hang out and after we hang out... i keep going back to him, keep thinking we're gonna get back together.. hope we get back together and i can't picture my life without him.. but just when i think he's turning around.. it's always just a false alarm.. i keep hoping i'm worth changing for but i guess i'm not.. maybe someday i will be...
yea this is pretty much a pathetic entry.. but my grades are still horrible.. it's getting to the point to where i don't think i'll be attending UA much longer.. pretty sad because i absolutely love it here.. i feel like i try and i study and i am confident but i get let down everytime.. i'm counting down the days til new year's because i want this horrible year to be over.. who knows it's probably not just this year.. things never seem to go the way i hope.. i just want to stop being the bitter bitch that i've turned out to be.. i'm constantly complaining and i'm so unhappy.. what did i do wrong? why is all the bad things happening to me? ok.. i'm being quite selfish, bratty and spoiled right now.. but dealing with three deaths in one year, my dad having a heart attack, getting horrible grades and two serious heart breaks is more than i've been able to handle.. there have been so many times that i want to give up, run away and do stupid things but it's not worth it and i just keep hoping, praying that things will get better..
i'm not trying to ask for sympathy or want anyone's pity just like always.. no one can fix my problems but myself.. and i'm looking forward to the break now.. just relaxing and getting my life back together will be very nice.. however, i'm definitely not looking forward to my parents finding out about my grades and me not even having a job.. i'm in such desperate need of money.. ahh ok i'm done no more complainingggg