KAISOO ANGST WIP
Jongin thinks it’s absolutely unfair.
It’s unfair that something as beautiful, as deep, as gentle as Kyungsoo was presented into his life but not one for the taking.
He knew from the beginning that whatever feelings he was nursing for his quiet, somber hyung would neither be spoken nor returned. He was wrong about the first part. They were spoken, on a careless, drunken night at Sehun’s 21st birthday party.
“Kyungsoo-yah,” Jongin slurred, not bothering with honorifics, “I like you.”
The night was starting to wind down. Jongin and Kyungsoo lay motionless on the floor, both too drunk and too tired to do anything more. The light coming from the kitchen casted a beautiful glow on Kyungsoo’s skin, making him look prettier than he was. It took Jongin’s breath away, giving him an unexpected swell of admiration and an even more unexpected resolve to confess.
“I like you,” he repeated, in case Kyungsoo was too out of it to hear.
Kyungsoo’s eyes shone in a way that meant he understood, but he played innocent nonetheless. “I like you, too. You know that.”
“No, no, no. Not like that.” Jongin scrambled to sit up and emphasize the seriousness of the situation. Kyungsoo, in alarming state of calmness, sat up as well. "I really, really like you." I love you, but Jongin kept that last part locked behind the bars of his teeth. Drunk as he was, he still had some sense of self-preservation left in him.
Kyungsoo kept his eyes downcast, biting onto his lower lip. It sent a clear message, but it didn’t hurt any less when he said, “Jongin, we can’t.”
"Why not?" He couldn't help the whine from seeping out his lips.
"You know exactly why."
Jongin wasn't naive. He knew why. For plenty of reasons, his feelings of love and affection were tragically misplaced, and should be buried deep into his crevices of his chest until they couldn't find a way to resurface. But knowing and understanding are too different things.
“You don’t sound surprised.” He said shakily, in lieu of crying, which felt like the easiest thing to do at that moment.
“I guess a part of me always knew.” Kyungsoo said in a whisper, as if fearful that the others might hear. Jongin was sure they were still getting shitfaced in the balcony, clueless of the fact that Jongin’s heart was shattering into pieces.
“So, you’re rejecting me.” Jongin voiced out.
“Jongin…”
“It’s okay, hyung. One of us has to be rational one.” Jongin breathed, resisting the urge to hug his hyung to soothe away the ache in his chest. “What was I even thinking?”
Kyungsoo remained quiet, and it killed Jongin to not know what he was thinking. He just dropped a bomb - how could Kyungsoo be so calm and not thrash at the splinters?
“You’d still be my friend, right, hyung?”
“Of course, Jongin.”
“My feelings are not going to go away that easily, though, if I’m going to be honest.”
Kyungsoo chose this time to wrap his hand around Jongin’s bigger one. “I know, Jongin.”
“And you’d still have me, anyway?” Jongin’s voice cracked.
“Of course.”
“Thanks.”
And that was the deal. More than a year has passed, and Jongin and Kyungsoo have gone through the months like nothing’s changed, like that night never happened. Except that Jongin remembers everything, from the way the light wrapped around Kyungsoo’s face like a halo, to how clammy Kyungsoo’s hand was as it covered his, to the gentle way Kyungsoo broke his heart.
But just because a heart is broken, doesn’t it mean it will stop longing. This is something Jongin had to learn the hard way.
If anything, the space Kyungsoo claimed on his heart has only gotten bigger. That’s probably what happens when the object of desire has shown no signs of pushing him away, even with the absence of reciprocation, Jongin gratefully thinks.
It’s unfair that something as beautiful, as deep, as gentle as Kyungsoo was presented into his life but not one for the taking.
He knew from the beginning that whatever feelings he was nursing for his quiet, somber hyung would neither be spoken nor returned. He was wrong about the first part. They were spoken, on a careless, drunken night at Sehun’s 21st birthday party.
“Kyungsoo-yah,” Jongin slurred, not bothering with honorifics, “I like you.”
The night was starting to wind down. Jongin and Kyungsoo lay motionless on the floor, both too drunk and too tired to do anything more. The light coming from the kitchen casted a beautiful glow on Kyungsoo’s skin, making him look prettier than he was. It took Jongin’s breath away, giving him an unexpected swell of admiration and an even more unexpected resolve to confess.
“I like you,” he repeated, in case Kyungsoo was too out of it to hear.
Kyungsoo’s eyes shone in a way that meant he understood, but he played innocent nonetheless. “I like you, too. You know that.”
“No, no, no. Not like that.” Jongin scrambled to sit up and emphasize the seriousness of the situation. Kyungsoo, in alarming state of calmness, sat up as well. "I really, really like you." I love you, but Jongin kept that last part locked behind the bars of his teeth. Drunk as he was, he still had some sense of self-preservation left in him.
Kyungsoo kept his eyes downcast, biting onto his lower lip. It sent a clear message, but it didn’t hurt any less when he said, “Jongin, we can’t.”
"Why not?" He couldn't help the whine from seeping out his lips.
"You know exactly why."
Jongin wasn't naive. He knew why. For plenty of reasons, his feelings of love and affection were tragically misplaced, and should be buried deep into his crevices of his chest until they couldn't find a way to resurface. But knowing and understanding are too different things.
“You don’t sound surprised.” He said shakily, in lieu of crying, which felt like the easiest thing to do at that moment.
“I guess a part of me always knew.” Kyungsoo said in a whisper, as if fearful that the others might hear. Jongin was sure they were still getting shitfaced in the balcony, clueless of the fact that Jongin’s heart was shattering into pieces.
“So, you’re rejecting me.” Jongin voiced out.
“Jongin…”
“It’s okay, hyung. One of us has to be rational one.” Jongin breathed, resisting the urge to hug his hyung to soothe away the ache in his chest. “What was I even thinking?”
Kyungsoo remained quiet, and it killed Jongin to not know what he was thinking. He just dropped a bomb - how could Kyungsoo be so calm and not thrash at the splinters?
“You’d still be my friend, right, hyung?”
“Of course, Jongin.”
“My feelings are not going to go away that easily, though, if I’m going to be honest.”
Kyungsoo chose this time to wrap his hand around Jongin’s bigger one. “I know, Jongin.”
“And you’d still have me, anyway?” Jongin’s voice cracked.
“Of course.”
“Thanks.”
And that was the deal. More than a year has passed, and Jongin and Kyungsoo have gone through the months like nothing’s changed, like that night never happened. Except that Jongin remembers everything, from the way the light wrapped around Kyungsoo’s face like a halo, to how clammy Kyungsoo’s hand was as it covered his, to the gentle way Kyungsoo broke his heart.
But just because a heart is broken, doesn’t it mean it will stop longing. This is something Jongin had to learn the hard way.
If anything, the space Kyungsoo claimed on his heart has only gotten bigger. That’s probably what happens when the object of desire has shown no signs of pushing him away, even with the absence of reciprocation, Jongin gratefully thinks.