(no subject)
I'm so sick of being here. Every day I'm here I get a nauseated feeling in the pit of my stomach. Nothing makes me happy here anymore aside from friends, the few I choose to keep. And they're all sick of being here too. I've had drifter friends that told me it was easy for them to just get up and go, and I didn't believe them because I was too afraid. I don't want to sound like I'm making excuses, and maybe I am, but I have the type of father that treats me like I'm constantly 13 and I have the mother that's dependent on me being around and thus in turn made me dependent on her. I've never really done anything on my own. All of my friends that live on their own I'm kind of jealous of because they were pretty much forced to make their own decisions based on their family life. I love my parents and I wouldn't want to feel ignored by them, but I've been sheltered and babied my whole life. I've managed to traumatize myself with fear of ever being successful in a career and living on my own, and all the responsibilities of a real life. I don't know what I'd expect to do otherwise though....I've finally come to a point, a point where I've heard enough encouraging advice, and put up with enough -- MORE than enough shit from being in Hagerstown, and I'm tired of the way my parents are acting. I'm tired of being pathetic....I'm tired of feeling tied down to everything without having any free will of my own.
My parents were talking about moving back to Florida and living in St. Augustine. But for them, talking and doing are waaaaaaaay too different of things. I don't even know or really care where I end up. I used to have places I decided I would just never want to live or be, but I'm so sick of here that I could care less. So, I've made a plan that I've already enacted. I've been saving money since I worked at the Disney Store, and it may not be a lot but I feel it's enough to at least get started SOMEwhere. I'm going to work my new job at Books-A-Million through Christmas so I don't have this new job and then ditch it. Besides extra money is extra money. I've already been getting rid of shit I would never normally get rid of just so I have less shit to take with me. I'm donating a lot of stuffed animals and toys to Toys for Tots this year so they're going to a worthy cause, and I'm packing all my shit together and applying to video game companies all over the country and Canada. Whoever wants to hire me, that is where I will move. Right now, since I don't have a degree and experience (and don't really want to) making video games, I figured I could just do an entry level position, maybe be a tester or a secretary....something like that. I figure I have enough passion and personality for that career type that I'll figure out my niche somewhere. Right now the places I've seen are mosty in LA (somewhere I thought I would NEVER want to be), Cambridge, MA, Montreal, and even Surrey England, but I think I'll put that one on the backburner. I'm not too worried about it, and if shit does just not work out, then I can move back in with my parents and try again later. Consider this sort of a New Year's Resolution.
My parents were talking about moving back to Florida and living in St. Augustine. But for them, talking and doing are waaaaaaaay too different of things. I don't even know or really care where I end up. I used to have places I decided I would just never want to live or be, but I'm so sick of here that I could care less. So, I've made a plan that I've already enacted. I've been saving money since I worked at the Disney Store, and it may not be a lot but I feel it's enough to at least get started SOMEwhere. I'm going to work my new job at Books-A-Million through Christmas so I don't have this new job and then ditch it. Besides extra money is extra money. I've already been getting rid of shit I would never normally get rid of just so I have less shit to take with me. I'm donating a lot of stuffed animals and toys to Toys for Tots this year so they're going to a worthy cause, and I'm packing all my shit together and applying to video game companies all over the country and Canada. Whoever wants to hire me, that is where I will move. Right now, since I don't have a degree and experience (and don't really want to) making video games, I figured I could just do an entry level position, maybe be a tester or a secretary....something like that. I figure I have enough passion and personality for that career type that I'll figure out my niche somewhere. Right now the places I've seen are mosty in LA (somewhere I thought I would NEVER want to be), Cambridge, MA, Montreal, and even Surrey England, but I think I'll put that one on the backburner. I'm not too worried about it, and if shit does just not work out, then I can move back in with my parents and try again later. Consider this sort of a New Year's Resolution.