Curiousity killed the cat, but the dog ate well.
I was just invited to my 10 year high school reunion that is taking place in mid-August. I really do not know if I want to go. There are several people I would like to see again, but the people that are most likely to attend are people I have no interest in seeing. Granted, I have the urge to confront a few of the jock assholes, but I think I resolved most of those issues my senior year when I started to grow up.
Many people change in ten years, but I changed more socially than anything else. I still have many of the same ideals and outlooks that I had since my dramatic change my junior year, but now I am much more self aware and much more social. I really did not know how to act or who I was growing up. During the precious years that I was supposed to be cultivating an Id, I was moving from place to place. It was not until I was in the 5th grade that our family finally settled down in one place. That first year was very hard. I made a few friends, but I was much better at making enemies. I really did not know much about the world around me, so I was an easy target for ridicule. Once you get ostracized at this age, it is hard to be socially accepted in the future. I was good friends with a couple of people who later turned on me after being accepted into the "cool" groups. It usually happened over a summer, or when a certain friend was involved in a sport or club that brought them within another group. I was a swimmer in middle school, but I stayed away from other people and usually lived in my own little world. In high school I was in the band, which doesn't help socially, but was not too much of a drag in our school. Besides, I met some of my greatest friends in band during my high scool years. Sadly, most of them were not in my grade level, so I am not likely to see them during my reunion.
I was constantly beat up and picked on in middle school. I usually would just talk back and get more ridicule. I alienated myself from everyone and spent as much time alone as I could. I enjoyed hanging out with the kids in my nieghborhood, and found I could be accepted when I met people for the first time. I had a different attitude when I met new people. I was still introverted, (I still am) but I was more "awake" and once the ice is broken, I can talk openly and be myself. But who at the reunion will come up to me to break that ice. I will most likely be too afraid to talk to anyone. Once I moved out of Michigan and started with a clean slate, I had no problem making friends with people who took the effort to get to know me. I am still to shy to talk to people unless they talk first. I find this funny, because people have told me I come off aloof, but that is just me being shy. I will kindly talk to any person on the planet, (there are very few people I don't like) but only if they take the effort to talk to me first. I have a psychological block in talking to people first. I wonder if this is treatable? This is also the reason I am not dating (besides the lack of interest at this particular time). I simply can't ask a girl out. Any girl I dated has asked me out first. I might have suggested the first date, but that was only after some seriously heavy hints by the interested party. This even happened with my last relationship (which by the way, was the best relationship I ever had...Thank God she was persistent) and I have had friends tell me of a girl flirting with me that I completely missed. I was completely oblivious to it. I actually go so far as ignoring a girl I am interested in just so I never have to know if she liked me or not. It's a defense mechanism about fear of rejection.
The only person I hung out with in high school was my girlfriend. The problem was that I wanted to break up with her my freshman year, and because I did not want to hurt her feelings, and frankly because I did not think I could get another girlfriend, I stayed with her until my freshman year of college. She was a very needy individual, and I was not allowed much alone time. Every waking moment had to be spent with her, or she would put me through a guilt trip that I just did not want to deal with. If she was at the reunion, I don't know how I would act. Although she is married with a child and another on the way, I can tell she is not happy in that relationship, and I would hate to fall into one of my repeating traps of kindness and waste the trip trying to fix her problems. I would just want to say hello, catch up on some old times, and that would be that. I would feel uncomfortable in the same room with her standing 100 ft away looking sad.
So I ask myself: "who do I want to see at my reunion?" I have changed so much physically since then that a part of me wants to replace the old image people had of me. I want to see how the jocks faired. Are the cheerleaders fat and dumpy? What about the girl that someone said thought I was cute? How much have the attitudes changed? Will Mark apologize for punching me in the head and locking my jacket in the shop teacher's office? Now that I have the means, should I kick Mark's ass? Who will I recognize? Who will I embarrassingly not recognize? Will I accidently hurt thier feelings? Who rememebrs me? Does anyone care if I show up? Who will I hang out with when I get there? Will I be embaressed to tell about where I am in life? What if I don't see any of my old friends and I end up sitting alone, just like high school?
Frankly, I am scared shitless to go, but even more curious. I might just skip it and watch Grosse Pointe Blank a few times. I'm guessing it will be almost identical. Well, except Benny "The Jet" probably won't show up and get penned to death.
Many people change in ten years, but I changed more socially than anything else. I still have many of the same ideals and outlooks that I had since my dramatic change my junior year, but now I am much more self aware and much more social. I really did not know how to act or who I was growing up. During the precious years that I was supposed to be cultivating an Id, I was moving from place to place. It was not until I was in the 5th grade that our family finally settled down in one place. That first year was very hard. I made a few friends, but I was much better at making enemies. I really did not know much about the world around me, so I was an easy target for ridicule. Once you get ostracized at this age, it is hard to be socially accepted in the future. I was good friends with a couple of people who later turned on me after being accepted into the "cool" groups. It usually happened over a summer, or when a certain friend was involved in a sport or club that brought them within another group. I was a swimmer in middle school, but I stayed away from other people and usually lived in my own little world. In high school I was in the band, which doesn't help socially, but was not too much of a drag in our school. Besides, I met some of my greatest friends in band during my high scool years. Sadly, most of them were not in my grade level, so I am not likely to see them during my reunion.
I was constantly beat up and picked on in middle school. I usually would just talk back and get more ridicule. I alienated myself from everyone and spent as much time alone as I could. I enjoyed hanging out with the kids in my nieghborhood, and found I could be accepted when I met people for the first time. I had a different attitude when I met new people. I was still introverted, (I still am) but I was more "awake" and once the ice is broken, I can talk openly and be myself. But who at the reunion will come up to me to break that ice. I will most likely be too afraid to talk to anyone. Once I moved out of Michigan and started with a clean slate, I had no problem making friends with people who took the effort to get to know me. I am still to shy to talk to people unless they talk first. I find this funny, because people have told me I come off aloof, but that is just me being shy. I will kindly talk to any person on the planet, (there are very few people I don't like) but only if they take the effort to talk to me first. I have a psychological block in talking to people first. I wonder if this is treatable? This is also the reason I am not dating (besides the lack of interest at this particular time). I simply can't ask a girl out. Any girl I dated has asked me out first. I might have suggested the first date, but that was only after some seriously heavy hints by the interested party. This even happened with my last relationship (which by the way, was the best relationship I ever had...Thank God she was persistent) and I have had friends tell me of a girl flirting with me that I completely missed. I was completely oblivious to it. I actually go so far as ignoring a girl I am interested in just so I never have to know if she liked me or not. It's a defense mechanism about fear of rejection.
The only person I hung out with in high school was my girlfriend. The problem was that I wanted to break up with her my freshman year, and because I did not want to hurt her feelings, and frankly because I did not think I could get another girlfriend, I stayed with her until my freshman year of college. She was a very needy individual, and I was not allowed much alone time. Every waking moment had to be spent with her, or she would put me through a guilt trip that I just did not want to deal with. If she was at the reunion, I don't know how I would act. Although she is married with a child and another on the way, I can tell she is not happy in that relationship, and I would hate to fall into one of my repeating traps of kindness and waste the trip trying to fix her problems. I would just want to say hello, catch up on some old times, and that would be that. I would feel uncomfortable in the same room with her standing 100 ft away looking sad.
So I ask myself: "who do I want to see at my reunion?" I have changed so much physically since then that a part of me wants to replace the old image people had of me. I want to see how the jocks faired. Are the cheerleaders fat and dumpy? What about the girl that someone said thought I was cute? How much have the attitudes changed? Will Mark apologize for punching me in the head and locking my jacket in the shop teacher's office? Now that I have the means, should I kick Mark's ass? Who will I recognize? Who will I embarrassingly not recognize? Will I accidently hurt thier feelings? Who rememebrs me? Does anyone care if I show up? Who will I hang out with when I get there? Will I be embaressed to tell about where I am in life? What if I don't see any of my old friends and I end up sitting alone, just like high school?
Frankly, I am scared shitless to go, but even more curious. I might just skip it and watch Grosse Pointe Blank a few times. I'm guessing it will be almost identical. Well, except Benny "The Jet" probably won't show up and get penned to death.