Memories Haunt Me.
Why am i destined to have such bad luck? What did I ever do wrong? I was only a child when it happened. I don't even remeber his name. I don't remeber his face. All I remeber was what he did to me. I was three, he was who knows how old? My first time was at the wrong time. My first time was taken from me. I did not concent. I was much to youg. How was i supposed to know, at three, what was going on? We have yet to comprehend what the world is all about. Yes I will finally let it out. I was abused by a guy who was older than I. I was about three. I have vague memories and every time i remeber they haunt me. They throw me into despair. It is not the reson I'm gay. It's only the reason why I am emotional and the reason why I can't live peacefully. I tried to forget. I can only forget so much. Sometimes I still dream what happened. Sometimes I wondered how and why this happened to me. The first time, or was it the first time?, was at the nearby community pond in my hometown in Mexico. All I remember was that he touched me and that for some reason I said nothing. Did I enjoy it, or was I too ripe to comprehend what was going on? I like to believe it was the latter. But for some reason I just can't. Even thought I know that it wasn't my fault, I can't shake the thought that I might have been to balme. Why didn't I say anything. I don't recall why? It haunts me every day. And I shake when I think about it. I wonder why people give me this bull shit that their "true god and savior Jesus" loves me. If so then why would he allow this to happen? Is he some kind of demented pervert? Does he get pleasure from other's suffering? I don't know and I don't care. The man is not my friend. Besides what if he isn't real? Most likely he's not. I'm positive he's not. But people shuld stop it with this bull shit that it's all for some purpose. What sins might I have been paying for? It's too confusing and the more I think the little I accomplish to solve. Sometimes suicide seems nice, but it's not a solution to temporary problems. But is this temporary? Who knows? I dare not linger on those thoughts much longer. I don't want to be stupid again. I wil live and I'll show those who harmed me that they have not weakened my resolve to live and make something great of myself. I'll show those bastards. They will pay, karma will get here way. No more on the subject. I need to forget it happened or deal with it and move on. I guess i acknowledge it happened and from here I hope to move on. I will live and when I become sucessfull I will show everyone up. Revenge is sweet.