Defining a 'Manly Man'.
The other day, I received an e-mail from my Elders Quorum President (and friend), Tom, asking me if I would share my opinion. The request was as follows:
Hi Steph,
I am teaching in elders quorum on Sunday, and the subject is true manhood, using the Savior as the standard of the ideal man. I was wondering if you would mind sharing your thoughts on a few things.
How would you define a "manly man" according to worldly standards? How is that different than true manhood?
What do you think? I know we're all pretty busy this time of year, so if you don't have time for this, that's cool. But if you have some things you'd like to share, I'd love to hear them. I feel like the men in our ward really need to hear about this topic, and since we won't have the benefit of a womanly perspective in the meeting, I thought I would seek it in advance.
First off, I was surprised he thought to ask me. So often I feel too immature, too underdeveloped. I do not feel qualified to share my opinions more often than not. On the other hand, I feel like an odd candidate as I am in this state of constant limbo, feeling like I view things so differently than does the world. I put hardly any emphasis on anything physical, and I think purely with emotion, feeling, promptings. Therefore, I didn't feel really qualified to define the world's view on a 'manly man'. I especially was afraid I'd get muddled in my own life, as this morning I had a long discussion with my roommate, Marci, about my relationship and the oddities between how men and women think of and perceive things. I have to say though, I immediately had about a hundred thoughts on the topic from Tom. I wanted to take time to try to sort them out and give a meaningful answer. I don't think I did a very good job, and I didn't clearly articulate everything I feel on the topic, but I felt it worth writing in my journal here.
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I’ve given this quite a bit of thought, and have to say that the definition of a ‘manly man’ by the world’s standard is driven mostly by the media, at least for our generation. The image of a true man is mostly intermingled with expectations of behavior in a romantic relationship, and doing a web search on ‘manly man’ brings up ‘Top 10’ lists that one could find flipping through the pages of Cosmo magazine: working out, sense of humor, physical stature, goal oriented, a good listener, a guy with a career, hobbies, and a peppering of sensitivity - but not too much (just only when it’s convenient for the woman). Additionally, the man’s view of what is a ‘manly man’ also conjures up images that have been developed through media from tradition. A hundred years ago, men were heavy labors, pulling to provide for their families by harvesting resources from the earth, learning trades. That image has been portrayed in books, shows, and movies, and when one hears ‘manly man’ now, the standard may hold the bar at something you’d see on ‘The Man Show’: meat-eating fiends that can do the majority of mechanical work on their vehicle on their own and who can do carpentry and electrical wiring work. A woman may think this version of a man looks the most attractive with a two-day scruff and in a flannel shirt, with the dirt of the day’s work streaked across his face. He’s probably got enough brawn to pick her up with one hand and carry her over the threshold of the house he’s work so hard to provide for her and their three children. A real man knows how to eat, has ‘been around the block’ (and keeps making the rounds), likes loud music, drives a truck, has strong traditional political leanings, a swimsuit calendar in his garage, loves cars and guns, and loves to blow things up. He’s got an appreciation for a ‘real woman’, whatever that may mean. Nowadays, a woman considers a man a real man when he can provide for a family and be in tune with her emotional needs while still remaining true to his nature. From a worldly standpoint, I think we, as women, expect too much of men considering their biological nature. We basically want a woman emotionally, but physically we want you to be a man. We want to brag about you to our girlfriends about how our man makes us feel protected and secure and how he’s a hard worker, attractive, and makes us feel like a real woman…and how he is so sweet and listens to us, how he’s always doing thoughtful little things to show us he is always thinking of us, and that we’re on a pedestal. We want it all. Pretty unrealistic.
While some of these traits may have stemmed from something more important, their origins may not go back as far as what we spiritually strive for. The first thing I thought of when you told me you are using the Savior as an example of the ideal man is Chapter 6 of ‘Preach My Gospel’, which focuses on attaining Christ-like attributes. I think it is important to recognize that there is a disconnect somewhere, and that while we study these things on Sundays and perhaps in our own scripture studies, when we go out into the world, we immediately forget all we have learned or have decided to strive to be, and we revert back to trying to fight to be noticed as a ‘real’ man (or woman) in a society with unattainable standards, in contrast to the attainable standards set by Heavenly Father. We may feel that the principles we learn from the gospel sound ‘weak’, ‘too soft’, or not ‘manly’ enough, or we may fight that they sound great, but they aren’t what the world believes, but who are we trying to appease - the world or our Father? We neglect to remember that Christ is a real person - a Brother, a Friend, an Exemplar - and that He did walk this earth, and that He attained the highest favor with our Heavenly Father. If with truly believe that principle, and if we truly live our faith, then we would be more apt to truly adopt the fact that the Savior’s attributes are to be our own. As we were created in the image of our Heavenly Father, likewise His plan under the direction of His commanding hand is THE authoritative source to define a real man.
‘Preach My Gospel’, in conjunction with the scriptures, teaches that the following are Christ-like attributes: Hope, Charity and Love, Virtue, Knowledge, Patience, Humility, Diligence, and Obedience. (They sound like they’re from the Young Women’s theme, right? Guess where we got them from…) These attributes are standards that have been set for both men AND women. While they sound similar to what a modern woman wants in a man, they are traits that are to be worked on and developed together with one another, as our Father said that it is not good for man to be alone. There is no gender restriction as to who should put the Savior as an example. A man can still be unique in his biological nature while revering these characteristics of the Savior. I doubt that in the days when the Savior walked this earth, that anyone looked at His actions and accused Him of being too feminine. This is fear and a standard constructed in post-modernity, in our time. The Savior treated all with respect and dignity, was quick to forgive. He taught with gentle patience and with knowledge from God. He did not seek glory for Himself, but let all praise be to His Father. He showed diligence through not letting Himself get lost in the winds of the world, and by not succumbing to any standard but that of our Heavenly Father, and though He knew His fate and all the sufferings of man, He still had an honest hope (and knowledge) that all was for a purpose much higher and brighter than the struggles He faced.
These attributes differ from the world’s ideas. The world demands dominance, aggressiveness, carnal submission. The Savior requests humility, patience and diligence, and submission to the Will of the Father.
Symbolically, I feel that the Priesthood was given to men to remind them of the constant need to strive to be like the Savior. We see that women often naturally possess the ability to easily love, nurture, be patient and virtuous (though we need to exercise them, too). To exercise the Priesthood, a man needs to be worthy of that mantle, and worthiness comes through humility and submission to the commandments of the Lord. Thus, there is a constant reminder of the nature of the Savior, the miracles He performed through His Priesthood, and the countenance He possessed in order to perform those miracles. D&C 84 helps place us on a sort of timeline of things, helps illustrate the importance of the Priesthood. We know that God is the head of all things, that we are here because of His plan, and that the true ultimate goal is to be with Him and progress eternally, learning of his knowledge as joint heirs of all He is. Starting in 84:19, I think this truth begins to manifest itself. It is through sanctification and becoming like Christ that we can see the face of God. When the children of Israel hardened their hearts against Moses to help teach and sanctify them that they might behold the face of God, God took Moses from them, and also removed the Holy Priesthood, leaving the lesser priesthood (vs. 26-27). In 84:33-35, we are taught that through the Priesthood and actively seeking to do the Lord’s will, man is sanctified, is an elect of God, and receives the Lord. I think this really shows the relationship between the Priesthood and striving for and being endowed with Christ-like attributes, and the blessings they bring to us, including seeing the face of God, which is something only a REAL man can do.
Hi Steph,
I am teaching in elders quorum on Sunday, and the subject is true manhood, using the Savior as the standard of the ideal man. I was wondering if you would mind sharing your thoughts on a few things.
How would you define a "manly man" according to worldly standards? How is that different than true manhood?
What do you think? I know we're all pretty busy this time of year, so if you don't have time for this, that's cool. But if you have some things you'd like to share, I'd love to hear them. I feel like the men in our ward really need to hear about this topic, and since we won't have the benefit of a womanly perspective in the meeting, I thought I would seek it in advance.
First off, I was surprised he thought to ask me. So often I feel too immature, too underdeveloped. I do not feel qualified to share my opinions more often than not. On the other hand, I feel like an odd candidate as I am in this state of constant limbo, feeling like I view things so differently than does the world. I put hardly any emphasis on anything physical, and I think purely with emotion, feeling, promptings. Therefore, I didn't feel really qualified to define the world's view on a 'manly man'. I especially was afraid I'd get muddled in my own life, as this morning I had a long discussion with my roommate, Marci, about my relationship and the oddities between how men and women think of and perceive things. I have to say though, I immediately had about a hundred thoughts on the topic from Tom. I wanted to take time to try to sort them out and give a meaningful answer. I don't think I did a very good job, and I didn't clearly articulate everything I feel on the topic, but I felt it worth writing in my journal here.
-----
I’ve given this quite a bit of thought, and have to say that the definition of a ‘manly man’ by the world’s standard is driven mostly by the media, at least for our generation. The image of a true man is mostly intermingled with expectations of behavior in a romantic relationship, and doing a web search on ‘manly man’ brings up ‘Top 10’ lists that one could find flipping through the pages of Cosmo magazine: working out, sense of humor, physical stature, goal oriented, a good listener, a guy with a career, hobbies, and a peppering of sensitivity - but not too much (just only when it’s convenient for the woman). Additionally, the man’s view of what is a ‘manly man’ also conjures up images that have been developed through media from tradition. A hundred years ago, men were heavy labors, pulling to provide for their families by harvesting resources from the earth, learning trades. That image has been portrayed in books, shows, and movies, and when one hears ‘manly man’ now, the standard may hold the bar at something you’d see on ‘The Man Show’: meat-eating fiends that can do the majority of mechanical work on their vehicle on their own and who can do carpentry and electrical wiring work. A woman may think this version of a man looks the most attractive with a two-day scruff and in a flannel shirt, with the dirt of the day’s work streaked across his face. He’s probably got enough brawn to pick her up with one hand and carry her over the threshold of the house he’s work so hard to provide for her and their three children. A real man knows how to eat, has ‘been around the block’ (and keeps making the rounds), likes loud music, drives a truck, has strong traditional political leanings, a swimsuit calendar in his garage, loves cars and guns, and loves to blow things up. He’s got an appreciation for a ‘real woman’, whatever that may mean. Nowadays, a woman considers a man a real man when he can provide for a family and be in tune with her emotional needs while still remaining true to his nature. From a worldly standpoint, I think we, as women, expect too much of men considering their biological nature. We basically want a woman emotionally, but physically we want you to be a man. We want to brag about you to our girlfriends about how our man makes us feel protected and secure and how he’s a hard worker, attractive, and makes us feel like a real woman…and how he is so sweet and listens to us, how he’s always doing thoughtful little things to show us he is always thinking of us, and that we’re on a pedestal. We want it all. Pretty unrealistic.
While some of these traits may have stemmed from something more important, their origins may not go back as far as what we spiritually strive for. The first thing I thought of when you told me you are using the Savior as an example of the ideal man is Chapter 6 of ‘Preach My Gospel’, which focuses on attaining Christ-like attributes. I think it is important to recognize that there is a disconnect somewhere, and that while we study these things on Sundays and perhaps in our own scripture studies, when we go out into the world, we immediately forget all we have learned or have decided to strive to be, and we revert back to trying to fight to be noticed as a ‘real’ man (or woman) in a society with unattainable standards, in contrast to the attainable standards set by Heavenly Father. We may feel that the principles we learn from the gospel sound ‘weak’, ‘too soft’, or not ‘manly’ enough, or we may fight that they sound great, but they aren’t what the world believes, but who are we trying to appease - the world or our Father? We neglect to remember that Christ is a real person - a Brother, a Friend, an Exemplar - and that He did walk this earth, and that He attained the highest favor with our Heavenly Father. If with truly believe that principle, and if we truly live our faith, then we would be more apt to truly adopt the fact that the Savior’s attributes are to be our own. As we were created in the image of our Heavenly Father, likewise His plan under the direction of His commanding hand is THE authoritative source to define a real man.
‘Preach My Gospel’, in conjunction with the scriptures, teaches that the following are Christ-like attributes: Hope, Charity and Love, Virtue, Knowledge, Patience, Humility, Diligence, and Obedience. (They sound like they’re from the Young Women’s theme, right? Guess where we got them from…) These attributes are standards that have been set for both men AND women. While they sound similar to what a modern woman wants in a man, they are traits that are to be worked on and developed together with one another, as our Father said that it is not good for man to be alone. There is no gender restriction as to who should put the Savior as an example. A man can still be unique in his biological nature while revering these characteristics of the Savior. I doubt that in the days when the Savior walked this earth, that anyone looked at His actions and accused Him of being too feminine. This is fear and a standard constructed in post-modernity, in our time. The Savior treated all with respect and dignity, was quick to forgive. He taught with gentle patience and with knowledge from God. He did not seek glory for Himself, but let all praise be to His Father. He showed diligence through not letting Himself get lost in the winds of the world, and by not succumbing to any standard but that of our Heavenly Father, and though He knew His fate and all the sufferings of man, He still had an honest hope (and knowledge) that all was for a purpose much higher and brighter than the struggles He faced.
These attributes differ from the world’s ideas. The world demands dominance, aggressiveness, carnal submission. The Savior requests humility, patience and diligence, and submission to the Will of the Father.
Symbolically, I feel that the Priesthood was given to men to remind them of the constant need to strive to be like the Savior. We see that women often naturally possess the ability to easily love, nurture, be patient and virtuous (though we need to exercise them, too). To exercise the Priesthood, a man needs to be worthy of that mantle, and worthiness comes through humility and submission to the commandments of the Lord. Thus, there is a constant reminder of the nature of the Savior, the miracles He performed through His Priesthood, and the countenance He possessed in order to perform those miracles. D&C 84 helps place us on a sort of timeline of things, helps illustrate the importance of the Priesthood. We know that God is the head of all things, that we are here because of His plan, and that the true ultimate goal is to be with Him and progress eternally, learning of his knowledge as joint heirs of all He is. Starting in 84:19, I think this truth begins to manifest itself. It is through sanctification and becoming like Christ that we can see the face of God. When the children of Israel hardened their hearts against Moses to help teach and sanctify them that they might behold the face of God, God took Moses from them, and also removed the Holy Priesthood, leaving the lesser priesthood (vs. 26-27). In 84:33-35, we are taught that through the Priesthood and actively seeking to do the Lord’s will, man is sanctified, is an elect of God, and receives the Lord. I think this really shows the relationship between the Priesthood and striving for and being endowed with Christ-like attributes, and the blessings they bring to us, including seeing the face of God, which is something only a REAL man can do.