Midnight Sky, Field of Gold
Last night I had an emotionally intense night. Nothing happened, but I found myself feeling desperate to find a way to truly convey the rushing wash of feelings that were overtaking my heart. After sitting at the park with a girlfriend in the pink light of the desert sunset reflecting off the mountains, I came home to sit on the front porch nervously for hours. I read a travel memoir and paced the sidewalk in front of my home, occasionally dipping my chubby hand in a bag of gummy bears to search out the clear ones.
Eventually I gave up and laid on the narrow concrete walkway up to my porch, slivered between the emerald grass of either side of my lawn. With a thin throw blanket and a small square couch pillow, I laid and stared at the barely starred sky. The midnight blue was interrupted by silhouettes of the trees blanketing my view, and the stars were dabbled out from the light of street lamps. I spoke in my mind, sifting through feelings and begging for some sort of emotional or spiritual tranquilizer to tell me 'peace, be still'. I softly drifted to sleep under the night sky and the anxiety melted away with each tranquil sleep breath. After a couple hours I woke to my roommate coming home and walking up the lawn in the midnight hours. As she always does, nature had soothed away my troubles, my doubts, and my fears, and gently put her healing hand over my resting face to quiet me.
Nothing was wrong. The anxiousness came from a strange place, a place of worry and insecurity. In the truth of my heart lies confidence and boldness, strength and certainty regarding the sureties of my soul. Anxiety and doubt are siblings that darken freedom and pure love.
As usual in these moments of life, I drifted off to sleep somewhere that was not my own warm bed. I often wonder if I do this as a subconscious effort to cling to myself for comfort in an uncomfortable and unsettling situation, perhaps as a reassurance that I've always got myself no matter how events turn. It's a selfish reaction.
This morning, through a chain of searches, I found music once again rescued my desperate attempt to somehow feel like the world could understand what feelings brew within. The worst feeling is feeling that you are not understood, that your deep feelings are not appreciated, or that you are hoarding beautiful moments because you do not feel you can adequately express yourself. Music always plays savior in these situations, as it speaks to places where words cannot reach. Music is a miracle.
I stumbled across an amazing artist named Eva Cassidy, who passed away in 1996. I loved every single song of hers that I heard, and every cover that she sang. Her voice is ethereal and echoes across lakes and through the valleys and fjords of my being. I fell for her version of 'Fields of Gold'. While these lyrics may not be an exact identical match to what I was feeling (though similar), the music is.
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You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Among the fields of barley
You can tell the sun in his jealous sky
When we walked in fields of gold
So she took her love for to gaze awhile
Among the fields of barley
In his arms she fell as her hair came down
Among the fields of gold
Will you stay with me will you be my love
Among the fields of barley
And you can tell the sun in his jealous sky
When we walked in fields of gold
I never made promises lightly
And there have been some that I've broken
But I swear in the days still left
We will walk in fields of gold
We'll walk in fields of gold
Many years have passed since those summer days
Among the fields of barley
See the children run as the sun goes down
As you lie in fields of gold
You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Among the fields of barley
You can tell the sun in his jealous sky
When we walked in fields of gold
-----
Eventually I gave up and laid on the narrow concrete walkway up to my porch, slivered between the emerald grass of either side of my lawn. With a thin throw blanket and a small square couch pillow, I laid and stared at the barely starred sky. The midnight blue was interrupted by silhouettes of the trees blanketing my view, and the stars were dabbled out from the light of street lamps. I spoke in my mind, sifting through feelings and begging for some sort of emotional or spiritual tranquilizer to tell me 'peace, be still'. I softly drifted to sleep under the night sky and the anxiety melted away with each tranquil sleep breath. After a couple hours I woke to my roommate coming home and walking up the lawn in the midnight hours. As she always does, nature had soothed away my troubles, my doubts, and my fears, and gently put her healing hand over my resting face to quiet me.
Nothing was wrong. The anxiousness came from a strange place, a place of worry and insecurity. In the truth of my heart lies confidence and boldness, strength and certainty regarding the sureties of my soul. Anxiety and doubt are siblings that darken freedom and pure love.
As usual in these moments of life, I drifted off to sleep somewhere that was not my own warm bed. I often wonder if I do this as a subconscious effort to cling to myself for comfort in an uncomfortable and unsettling situation, perhaps as a reassurance that I've always got myself no matter how events turn. It's a selfish reaction.
This morning, through a chain of searches, I found music once again rescued my desperate attempt to somehow feel like the world could understand what feelings brew within. The worst feeling is feeling that you are not understood, that your deep feelings are not appreciated, or that you are hoarding beautiful moments because you do not feel you can adequately express yourself. Music always plays savior in these situations, as it speaks to places where words cannot reach. Music is a miracle.
I stumbled across an amazing artist named Eva Cassidy, who passed away in 1996. I loved every single song of hers that I heard, and every cover that she sang. Her voice is ethereal and echoes across lakes and through the valleys and fjords of my being. I fell for her version of 'Fields of Gold'. While these lyrics may not be an exact identical match to what I was feeling (though similar), the music is.
-----
You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Among the fields of barley
You can tell the sun in his jealous sky
When we walked in fields of gold
So she took her love for to gaze awhile
Among the fields of barley
In his arms she fell as her hair came down
Among the fields of gold
Will you stay with me will you be my love
Among the fields of barley
And you can tell the sun in his jealous sky
When we walked in fields of gold
I never made promises lightly
And there have been some that I've broken
But I swear in the days still left
We will walk in fields of gold
We'll walk in fields of gold
Many years have passed since those summer days
Among the fields of barley
See the children run as the sun goes down
As you lie in fields of gold
You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Among the fields of barley
You can tell the sun in his jealous sky
When we walked in fields of gold
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