Brands of Love
Last night, I went out with this really great guy that I met through mutual friends from the belly dance community. We went out to Brewvies Cinema Pub for a movie and pizza, popcorn, and pop. We sat on a love seat in the back of the theater (I realize how shady that sounds, but it wasn't!) and had a really fun time with lots of laughter. Conversation flowed freely from the minute we met and continued until about 3:30am. We fit together really well. He's super respectful and so kind and caring. We have so many common interests and he's a deep thinker. He's adorable and a hugger and finds me attractive and loves deep conversation. I really enjoyed our time and we've been talking since our date. We're going out again next week, but will most likely get together before then. I can't wait to get to know him more. A bonus? He's a cuddler, too. It feels nice to be held and touched as a human being. I am seriously lacking in the deep, sincere hugs department out here, and even when he met me at my door and we said our first hello, I got the tightest, longest hug I've had since living in Utah. I know, it sounds too good to be true, right? Nearly. So you'll find the next thing I have to say absolutely odd.
On the other hand, I grow awestruck as I 'grow up' every day and experience these feelings that I have never experienced before. Love has so many brands, and I'm learning new ones every day. There is a man in my life whom I love so, so deeply. I think about him or see him and I don't think, 'oh, I want to be with him sooooo badly, why won't he just hold my hand? will my lips ever know his?' I just see him and something feels familiar, makes sense, clicks. He's a lot different from my date last night, but I will be bold enough to say that we also make sense together. Tonight I had a girls night with my coworker Abby and I mulled this over as I told her about my date last night and she asked about this other guy in my life, too. I've come to the conclusion that we [this guy I feel so much love for] could really be something beautiful if there wasn't this blanket of unspoken tension that has been pointed out to me before by someone else in his life. I didn't believe tension existed, but I think it does...at least on my end. I feel like sometimes there are things that just aren't being said or confronted, and whether we choose to believe it or not, those paper barriers - thin as they may be - are enough to shade a free exchange of complete vulnerability and beauty. I don't see him with me, but I don't see him with someone else. (For the record, I don't see myself with anyone.) I want to say something, but I've got a solid month of pure friendship moments ahead of me before I head to Michigan and then [hopefully] Spain, and I just want to enjoy my time and moments with him, not strain them. I can't help but wonder if I'm crazy and he is sticking to his guns on the friendship wagon, or if he isn't as forward with 'us' because of our existent, unique friendship. He doesn't have other friendships like ours in his life. Maybe I'm making things up in my head, but these kinds of feelings have never betrayed me in the past, only proven me correct. There really is nothing to lose but a great friendship, but even that will dwindle if we both move on with someone else in our lives...so, what is the point of harboring love and not allowing it to try to spread and grow? The other night we were talking about friends in our lives who have gotten engaged and married without ever dating, but knew each other deeply enough to know what makes a relationship tick and to know that they could make a future together and love and support one another. I truly believe we could make 'us' work. I have such an incredible amount of love for him and support him with every bit of me that I have. Recently, I have seen through his words and expressions that he also wants my ultimate happiness and is constantly rooting for me and supporting me, too. I just know it from our experiences together, but it is just a matter of agency and choice as to the paths we each want to follow in life, or our ideals of love and marriage. I even find myself making excuses as to why I wouldn't want to end up with him.
We never know how big of a tree the seed can grow if we don't plant it. Maybe it won't take, or maybe it will remain a hedge or a shrub. But maybe it will grow and twist into beautiful branches and knots, providing shade and beauty to those around it. Maybe, with a little cultivation, it will become something ancient, archaic, and everlasting.
On the other hand, I grow awestruck as I 'grow up' every day and experience these feelings that I have never experienced before. Love has so many brands, and I'm learning new ones every day. There is a man in my life whom I love so, so deeply. I think about him or see him and I don't think, 'oh, I want to be with him sooooo badly, why won't he just hold my hand? will my lips ever know his?' I just see him and something feels familiar, makes sense, clicks. He's a lot different from my date last night, but I will be bold enough to say that we also make sense together. Tonight I had a girls night with my coworker Abby and I mulled this over as I told her about my date last night and she asked about this other guy in my life, too. I've come to the conclusion that we [this guy I feel so much love for] could really be something beautiful if there wasn't this blanket of unspoken tension that has been pointed out to me before by someone else in his life. I didn't believe tension existed, but I think it does...at least on my end. I feel like sometimes there are things that just aren't being said or confronted, and whether we choose to believe it or not, those paper barriers - thin as they may be - are enough to shade a free exchange of complete vulnerability and beauty. I don't see him with me, but I don't see him with someone else. (For the record, I don't see myself with anyone.) I want to say something, but I've got a solid month of pure friendship moments ahead of me before I head to Michigan and then [hopefully] Spain, and I just want to enjoy my time and moments with him, not strain them. I can't help but wonder if I'm crazy and he is sticking to his guns on the friendship wagon, or if he isn't as forward with 'us' because of our existent, unique friendship. He doesn't have other friendships like ours in his life. Maybe I'm making things up in my head, but these kinds of feelings have never betrayed me in the past, only proven me correct. There really is nothing to lose but a great friendship, but even that will dwindle if we both move on with someone else in our lives...so, what is the point of harboring love and not allowing it to try to spread and grow? The other night we were talking about friends in our lives who have gotten engaged and married without ever dating, but knew each other deeply enough to know what makes a relationship tick and to know that they could make a future together and love and support one another. I truly believe we could make 'us' work. I have such an incredible amount of love for him and support him with every bit of me that I have. Recently, I have seen through his words and expressions that he also wants my ultimate happiness and is constantly rooting for me and supporting me, too. I just know it from our experiences together, but it is just a matter of agency and choice as to the paths we each want to follow in life, or our ideals of love and marriage. I even find myself making excuses as to why I wouldn't want to end up with him.
We never know how big of a tree the seed can grow if we don't plant it. Maybe it won't take, or maybe it will remain a hedge or a shrub. But maybe it will grow and twist into beautiful branches and knots, providing shade and beauty to those around it. Maybe, with a little cultivation, it will become something ancient, archaic, and everlasting.