Power 90 Spain
I started Power 90 on June 1st...the 'prequel' to P90X. It came in the mail May 31 and I wish I started that night, because my day 90 will be the day after I leave for Spain, assuming I get to go!
Long story short...talked to a new adviser. I need to be continually enrolled to keep my grant request going. This means I spent $1800 and for the first time ever am in summer school. I'm fine with that...two online classes isn't bad. I qualify for about $600 more than I thought...and if I get them, I get an extra $950 in grants for summer school, so really I'll only be down about $300 or $400 from what I thought I would get in grants. If it means I can get them, then I decided to take the step and follow through with faith. If I don't get them...well then, I guess I get to have a lighter load before I graduate.
I did get a letter on Saturday from the University of Utah. I thought it was my official denial of my grants as I requested (they haven't sent that, but probably good since my file is back in pending). It was a $1000 scholarship! I was told they already notified recipients and I didn't get one because I didn't get a letter. I was so happy!
Speaking of Power 90. I've been doing well. I decided to not do it on any Sunday. Growing up, this wasn't a principle I practiced...neither was not doing homework. However, not doing homework on Sundays has served me well GPA wise. Even if I have the intention of reading, when I go to do it, I lack mental clarity and focus. Nice to have a day off anyway. Well, I have the CLEANEST pantry/fridge around...nothing but grains and produce. Today I feel like I binged a little (I made churros for friends and tried a couple few...). Not working out made me feel even worse about it and very lethargic. Of course, because it's 1:40am, I feel very emotional. When I went to wash my face I nearly cried and felt powerless, hopeless, like I can't overcome this eating disorder and body image issues. At the same time, I felt powerful for realizing those feelings, because I felt like for the first time I was being 100% vulnerable and honest with myself, admitting that I have an issue and that I can't just go about this earth living alone and trying to manage everything by myself.
Funny things is, earlier today - even though I had major body image issues at church - I felt hopefully, strong, fine during my fast. I felt focused, mental clarity, and like testimonies and messages were strong reminders (someone spoke about feeling like 'goals' were a big topic lately, and bore testimony of staying on track with goals...just what I needed to hear!).
I really want this to be the last time I start over with taking care of my body in a major way. I want health, fitness, a beautiful future. I cannot tell you how badly I want to be a healthy, vibrant mother someday, and how much that has been on my heart. I'd love to have a beautiful pregnancy, a natural birth, and a healthy baby. How can I teach my children if I am not the example?
I really feel like I can do this, like I have the spiritual strength to get me through. I can't explain it, but it clicked a week or so ago. It's hard, but I definitely can see it one day at a time. I always try to take in far more than that...but if I do, I get very discouraged. I need to hold fast and look straight ahead, and focus on the day in the present. So minute by minute, I stay strong for myself. I thoughtfully choose what I eat. I teach myself to say no to things that are harmful to my body and of no nutritional use. I teach myself that I need to nourish, not just eat to eat. I try to find where the source of indulgence comes from, and what that void is. I haven't been to therapy in a few weeks, so this is an amazing thing to me that I am able to do this. At the same time, I feel it makes me more focused to go to therapy again and admit these things to myself instead of swirling in crazy circles trying to pinpoint 'what is wrong with me' because I feel so overwhelmed with trying to figure it out.
Last night, after watching a foreign film (in Spanish, and really relying on the subtitles as my brain was not processing anything) I randomly set out on a walk at 10pm and found myself in Sugarhouse Park sitting under a large tree under the crescent moon sky. The moon was a gorgeous, slender sliver, enveloped in a light cloudy haze. Perfect for a balmy night. The music from a party down the way faintly echoed around the park...a salsa dance, some mariachi music...perhaps a culture gathering for high school kids. The grass turned cool around me and I leaned against the sturdy trunk. It was quite strange...usually in nature I feel Divinity, but I only felt science. I was concerned at first. But then I marveled in it, the evolution of things, the perfection of it all, the endlessness of space, and my curiosity in all the related sciences as a child.
All of a sudden, I heard a voice speaking low but audible, and in Spanish. It was my own voice. I have no clue why, but I started speaking Spanish aloud. I just made random sentences at first, practicing and playing with grammar to make it perfect. Soon, I found myself speaking to an unseen person, talking about my view of the midnight world around me and how I felt about nature being science, and the strange lack of Divinity in my view this night. Conversation turned into a prayer, recognizing the Divinity I did not see in nature, and talking to Him about my life, my concerns, my fears, my worries, my desires, my goals. It was as casual as Forrest Gump and Jenny sitting on their tree branch talking. After about 40 minutes, I felt it was time to go. I stood up and didn't want to leave this haven under the crescent moon, even though the stars were nearly drowned out from city light pollution. I realized that I spoke Spanish the entire time, and that my grammar was near perfect. I didn't struggle for but a few vocabulary words.
Truly, I felt I had the gift of tongues given back to me for that night. The Lord sincerely knows what we need. For me, languages are my sanity, and I feel mediocre at best lately...my one huge passion just a melted pool of confusion. I've felt anxiety, and felt like no one hears me. Surely, a small voice prompted me to just jump off the couch and start walking to a serene place where I could enjoy that crescent moon, and it was definitely present as, unrealized, I spent 40 minutes pouring my heart out to the heavens in a language that is not my first tongue, but which is my first love. I didn't need to think, I just spoke, and it all flowed freely, and I felt adequate, understood, and even satisfied. Perhaps that tree is magical, but even many of my thoughts were processed in the language during the walk home. It was a much needed experience.
Long story short...talked to a new adviser. I need to be continually enrolled to keep my grant request going. This means I spent $1800 and for the first time ever am in summer school. I'm fine with that...two online classes isn't bad. I qualify for about $600 more than I thought...and if I get them, I get an extra $950 in grants for summer school, so really I'll only be down about $300 or $400 from what I thought I would get in grants. If it means I can get them, then I decided to take the step and follow through with faith. If I don't get them...well then, I guess I get to have a lighter load before I graduate.
I did get a letter on Saturday from the University of Utah. I thought it was my official denial of my grants as I requested (they haven't sent that, but probably good since my file is back in pending). It was a $1000 scholarship! I was told they already notified recipients and I didn't get one because I didn't get a letter. I was so happy!
Speaking of Power 90. I've been doing well. I decided to not do it on any Sunday. Growing up, this wasn't a principle I practiced...neither was not doing homework. However, not doing homework on Sundays has served me well GPA wise. Even if I have the intention of reading, when I go to do it, I lack mental clarity and focus. Nice to have a day off anyway. Well, I have the CLEANEST pantry/fridge around...nothing but grains and produce. Today I feel like I binged a little (I made churros for friends and tried a couple few...). Not working out made me feel even worse about it and very lethargic. Of course, because it's 1:40am, I feel very emotional. When I went to wash my face I nearly cried and felt powerless, hopeless, like I can't overcome this eating disorder and body image issues. At the same time, I felt powerful for realizing those feelings, because I felt like for the first time I was being 100% vulnerable and honest with myself, admitting that I have an issue and that I can't just go about this earth living alone and trying to manage everything by myself.
Funny things is, earlier today - even though I had major body image issues at church - I felt hopefully, strong, fine during my fast. I felt focused, mental clarity, and like testimonies and messages were strong reminders (someone spoke about feeling like 'goals' were a big topic lately, and bore testimony of staying on track with goals...just what I needed to hear!).
I really want this to be the last time I start over with taking care of my body in a major way. I want health, fitness, a beautiful future. I cannot tell you how badly I want to be a healthy, vibrant mother someday, and how much that has been on my heart. I'd love to have a beautiful pregnancy, a natural birth, and a healthy baby. How can I teach my children if I am not the example?
I really feel like I can do this, like I have the spiritual strength to get me through. I can't explain it, but it clicked a week or so ago. It's hard, but I definitely can see it one day at a time. I always try to take in far more than that...but if I do, I get very discouraged. I need to hold fast and look straight ahead, and focus on the day in the present. So minute by minute, I stay strong for myself. I thoughtfully choose what I eat. I teach myself to say no to things that are harmful to my body and of no nutritional use. I teach myself that I need to nourish, not just eat to eat. I try to find where the source of indulgence comes from, and what that void is. I haven't been to therapy in a few weeks, so this is an amazing thing to me that I am able to do this. At the same time, I feel it makes me more focused to go to therapy again and admit these things to myself instead of swirling in crazy circles trying to pinpoint 'what is wrong with me' because I feel so overwhelmed with trying to figure it out.
Last night, after watching a foreign film (in Spanish, and really relying on the subtitles as my brain was not processing anything) I randomly set out on a walk at 10pm and found myself in Sugarhouse Park sitting under a large tree under the crescent moon sky. The moon was a gorgeous, slender sliver, enveloped in a light cloudy haze. Perfect for a balmy night. The music from a party down the way faintly echoed around the park...a salsa dance, some mariachi music...perhaps a culture gathering for high school kids. The grass turned cool around me and I leaned against the sturdy trunk. It was quite strange...usually in nature I feel Divinity, but I only felt science. I was concerned at first. But then I marveled in it, the evolution of things, the perfection of it all, the endlessness of space, and my curiosity in all the related sciences as a child.
All of a sudden, I heard a voice speaking low but audible, and in Spanish. It was my own voice. I have no clue why, but I started speaking Spanish aloud. I just made random sentences at first, practicing and playing with grammar to make it perfect. Soon, I found myself speaking to an unseen person, talking about my view of the midnight world around me and how I felt about nature being science, and the strange lack of Divinity in my view this night. Conversation turned into a prayer, recognizing the Divinity I did not see in nature, and talking to Him about my life, my concerns, my fears, my worries, my desires, my goals. It was as casual as Forrest Gump and Jenny sitting on their tree branch talking. After about 40 minutes, I felt it was time to go. I stood up and didn't want to leave this haven under the crescent moon, even though the stars were nearly drowned out from city light pollution. I realized that I spoke Spanish the entire time, and that my grammar was near perfect. I didn't struggle for but a few vocabulary words.
Truly, I felt I had the gift of tongues given back to me for that night. The Lord sincerely knows what we need. For me, languages are my sanity, and I feel mediocre at best lately...my one huge passion just a melted pool of confusion. I've felt anxiety, and felt like no one hears me. Surely, a small voice prompted me to just jump off the couch and start walking to a serene place where I could enjoy that crescent moon, and it was definitely present as, unrealized, I spent 40 minutes pouring my heart out to the heavens in a language that is not my first tongue, but which is my first love. I didn't need to think, I just spoke, and it all flowed freely, and I felt adequate, understood, and even satisfied. Perhaps that tree is magical, but even many of my thoughts were processed in the language during the walk home. It was a much needed experience.