For the year.
This year so far has been full of more soul searching, more me. Full of myself? No...but it sounds that way if I try to say what I mean. I have been working to put the spotlight on myself more. There is healing that needs to be done and I needed to stop neglecting myself and find the happy medium. I could literally write a mini novel on all the feelings that cycle through my body each day, but I'm going to cut to the chase.
Instead of setting crazy, irrational goals (as I did the last week of December), I've noticed that I have just been trying "to do". Don't work my butt off for a number and renig and then wallow in failure and make the situation worse. Instead, I have been just doing. Do the things I have always wanted, talked about, dreamt about...do them, try them, continue with them if I like them. By making myself multifaceted in action and not just in words, I have been focusing on myself and my heart core. I forget about the numbers, I stop worrying if I will make a deadline, and I just go for it and enjoy it. As I add on more layers to myself...or rather, as I peel back the calluses and find the soft skin...I become more radiant with life.
I have a couple examples of giving up on the drill-sergeant letter-to-my-own-law goals and just enjoying the path. One is my going back to school. I set out and signed up for an online class (International Politics) in December so I can get back into school and finish. I had a goal to finish that class by the end of April. There is no way I am going to meet that deadline. Quite frankly, I haven't been disciplining myself as much as I'd like to. But, when I do read and work on my assignments, I enjoy them tremendously and take extra time to put forth effort above-and-beyond what is required. All my marks so far have been great, and I've begun to develop a very respectful relationship with my professor. I feel worth something, and the fear of having lost all my intelligence has slowly begun to diminish. Sure, I'm bummed I haven't come as far as I'd like. But I also have to consider that I haven't been in school in nearly five years and it's going to take some time to adapt. I'm enjoying the class and that is what matters.
Another example is losing weight. I expected to lose 120 pounds this year. Will that happen? Probably not. By saying probably not, I'm not discounting the possibilities. I'm just ridding myself of setting myself up for failure. I even went to a physician, a dietician, got ridiculous amounts of blood work done, and took prescription drugs to help lose the weight. I spent nearly $1,000 on medical bills only to realize that it's just not going to work that way. I need to listen to myself, to my inner voice, to my heart, not to the opinions of others who don't know me, who don't understand what I've been through, and don't believe in my capabilities. The only answer isn't needing weight loss surgery.
So what have I done to solve my weight loss conundrum? Well, I stopped weighing myself for starters. Then I signed up for things I've always wanted to do: belly dancing and yoga. (Okay, I signed up last year for belly dancing, but I am still dancing!) I stopped riding in cars with people much and I started taking the bus and train everywhere like I should have been all along. I started walking around my neighborhood more, to church, the doctor, the tea shop, wherever I could. In turn, I have discovered amazing little hidden gems and I have been excited over the little things in life. I notice my stamina growing more. I have no idea how much I weigh. But you know what? I'm enjoying my life. And I'm being healthier in the things I do. Those are good changes to make. I had to get right with myself before I tried to tackle a big number.
So, there are some things that I have tried/started, and some more I plan to try out and accomplish this year. The list is constantly growing, but here are a few:
Take belly dance lessons. I will most likely start in a performance troupe in August of this year!
Take yoga classes. I'm comfortable enough now that my class is changing from a bigger bodies class to a core basics class, with all body types! I also would like to try other classes. Instead of taking a class based on a topic, I'm going to look at a schedule whenever I'm free and just go to the class that is open at that time.
Learn guitar. I have been checking out classified ads for used and cheap guitars and have my eye on a few. I have always wanted to be able to play...there are songs that move my heart strings and I always wish I could play them. I'm excited to get started.
Tell people how I feel. I don't mean this in a lovey-relationship way. I am refering to giving compliments. So often someone comes on the train and sits across from me and I find myself mesmerized by their eyes, or reading the emotion on their faces and just feeling like I need to tell them how beautiful I think they are. The only thing that has held me back from doing this is my own selfish worry of being judged. I'm tossing that out the window. All human beings need to know when they are appreciated and that they are beautiful.
Get a bike. Again, I've been checking classifieds. I never knew much about bike lingo, so it's overwhelming. I had a bike back home but didn't know the frame size, etc. I just want a bike I can ride when it's too far to walk. I rode a lot when I was a nanny, and I loved the feeling (except for the sore bums!). I hope to get a bike sometime this summer.
Go to the Meet Up groups meetings. I signed up for a ton of groups on meetup.com. I'm interested in so many things, I thought it would be great to meet people with more knowledge, excitement, and passion for the same things. I signed up for about a dozen or so groups...raw foods, crocheting, freemasonry, spanish, french, italian, random misfit interests, meditation, and more. They send out meeting notices and everyone gets together and has a good time! I'm really most excited about going to the Italian meet up. I'd like to become fluent.
Read more. I love to read but sometimes forget about it. I have a stack awaiting me that I need to dive into! Too many half-read books, not enough finished books. I also hope to read up more on my historical interests.
Journal more often. I am often told I should write a book. While my life isn't exciting enough to sell millions of copies of memoirs, and I feel pretty plain, I have noticed how much I love to go back and read my old journal entries. It helps me learn more about myself. I need to stop holding my excitement and emotions in and start expressing them more often. I love to reflect on myself and the little nuances that make me myself, from dark and moody colors that overlay my mind to thunderstorms that enliven me to deep thoughts and soulful longings on a sunny and breezy day under a tree in a park. For example, certain music enlivens me, so instead of feeling like a misfit, how about learn to bask in the feelings it stirs to life? Maybe my grandkids will read it one day and it will inspire them to be themselves and feel beautiful...and they'll think they have the coolest grandma ever. It's invigorating and refreshing to try and understand the beauty that is my life.
Crochet. I taught myself to knit once, and it wasn't as successful as I'd liked. My roommate is teaching me to crochet. Last week I bought all the things I need and I'm currently rolling up the last of the yarn balls. Instead of buying all these cute homemade things, I'm going to make them!
Take a French class. I'm considering a French minor, so I should get started. It's one of the six UN languages, and it's part of my heritage. Ideally, someday I'd love to be fluent in all or most of my heritage languages: Italian (Sicilian dialect would be rad!), French, and Polish.
Take out my oboe again. Almost every day I stare at it, afraid to put it together. I have some new reeds, but it's been so long since I've played that I'm terrified. I know how to play still, but oboe is not one of those instruments you can just sound professional at after a short hiatus. I used to sound amazing and have fantastic tone quality. I can't get there again unless I try, right?
My list is longer and I could keep going on and on, but this is great. I'm so excited what doing these things has done for my life. I can't wait to see what other opportunities I will have and the people I will meet along the way!
Instead of setting crazy, irrational goals (as I did the last week of December), I've noticed that I have just been trying "to do". Don't work my butt off for a number and renig and then wallow in failure and make the situation worse. Instead, I have been just doing. Do the things I have always wanted, talked about, dreamt about...do them, try them, continue with them if I like them. By making myself multifaceted in action and not just in words, I have been focusing on myself and my heart core. I forget about the numbers, I stop worrying if I will make a deadline, and I just go for it and enjoy it. As I add on more layers to myself...or rather, as I peel back the calluses and find the soft skin...I become more radiant with life.
I have a couple examples of giving up on the drill-sergeant letter-to-my-own-law goals and just enjoying the path. One is my going back to school. I set out and signed up for an online class (International Politics) in December so I can get back into school and finish. I had a goal to finish that class by the end of April. There is no way I am going to meet that deadline. Quite frankly, I haven't been disciplining myself as much as I'd like to. But, when I do read and work on my assignments, I enjoy them tremendously and take extra time to put forth effort above-and-beyond what is required. All my marks so far have been great, and I've begun to develop a very respectful relationship with my professor. I feel worth something, and the fear of having lost all my intelligence has slowly begun to diminish. Sure, I'm bummed I haven't come as far as I'd like. But I also have to consider that I haven't been in school in nearly five years and it's going to take some time to adapt. I'm enjoying the class and that is what matters.
Another example is losing weight. I expected to lose 120 pounds this year. Will that happen? Probably not. By saying probably not, I'm not discounting the possibilities. I'm just ridding myself of setting myself up for failure. I even went to a physician, a dietician, got ridiculous amounts of blood work done, and took prescription drugs to help lose the weight. I spent nearly $1,000 on medical bills only to realize that it's just not going to work that way. I need to listen to myself, to my inner voice, to my heart, not to the opinions of others who don't know me, who don't understand what I've been through, and don't believe in my capabilities. The only answer isn't needing weight loss surgery.
So what have I done to solve my weight loss conundrum? Well, I stopped weighing myself for starters. Then I signed up for things I've always wanted to do: belly dancing and yoga. (Okay, I signed up last year for belly dancing, but I am still dancing!) I stopped riding in cars with people much and I started taking the bus and train everywhere like I should have been all along. I started walking around my neighborhood more, to church, the doctor, the tea shop, wherever I could. In turn, I have discovered amazing little hidden gems and I have been excited over the little things in life. I notice my stamina growing more. I have no idea how much I weigh. But you know what? I'm enjoying my life. And I'm being healthier in the things I do. Those are good changes to make. I had to get right with myself before I tried to tackle a big number.
So, there are some things that I have tried/started, and some more I plan to try out and accomplish this year. The list is constantly growing, but here are a few:
My list is longer and I could keep going on and on, but this is great. I'm so excited what doing these things has done for my life. I can't wait to see what other opportunities I will have and the people I will meet along the way!