Inhibition
Today at work I took a break for the first time in what seems like forever. I headed down to Deseret Book to pick up a scripture case (my highlighter exploded in mine a long time ago and I had yet to replace it) and a calendar for my cubicle to replace the temple one from last year. I spent a while in the store testing cases and what not until I finally settled on one of the two I liked. I went to check out the calendars and my choice was really easy...I picked up one called A Light Shall Break Forth. Ever since I came back to the Church four years ago, I've been so in love with learning about the restoration of the Church (as it's something I never really took time to learn about before that time). The calendar is beautiful and all of the pictures depict scenes from the early years of the restoration.
When I got home today I was thinking about the Joseph Smith movie on Temple Square. It's an amazing movie and really depicts history so well...I think anyone who has the chance should see it, member of the church or not. I was thinking of many experiences I've had in my life and mixing that with what happened during the First Vision.
Joseph went to the grove to pray about which church he should join. This wasn't just a decision he made in one day...he had been questioning for quite some time, especially with all the excitement in his town (and that era in general) concerning religion. He was part of a family that was no stranger to reading their scriptures, and he studied and pondered before going out one morning.
There are two things that stay in my mind so strongly from Joseph's experience that are conveyed so realistically in the movie. Of course the most brilliant part of the story is the vision he had of our Heavenly Father and of Jesus Christ. I need to devote an entire entry (novel?) to my feelings on that subject.
The second thing that really sticks in my mind is something that most people tend to forget: the struggle Joseph had when he started praying. This part of the vision is very dear to me as I have lived such similar experiences, one in particular being when I was very, very close to coming back to the Church after two years of going to a different church. It was a very frightening and enlightening experience for me and I have not shared it with many. It made me realize how brave Joseph was to be key in restoring the Gospel...he could've just backed out and we could all still be in the dark, or perhaps someone else would have been called...I don't know the answer to that. I am not so brave in sharing my experience because many would probably scoff at me and call me crazy or some other medical term.
When Joseph knelt to pray, almost instantly he was attacked by evil. He felt darkness surround him and he couldn't speak...as if his tongue was being held. He really thought that was the end and he was going to be destroyed. No good feelings, no light, no happiness, no answer from God. Oh man, have I felt that. And I get frustrated. I'm like, oh, He must've cut me off, doesn't love me, isn't talking, no answers, I'm going to burn in hell...and I go off on guilt tangents or thinking I know myself. I remember that time in my life. Sometimes I feel like I'm still in it.
But the greatest part is that Joseph kept praying anyway...he didn't give up. And what happened? He saw light. Not only light, but LIGHT. God and His Son. Pretty amazing. Endure to the end, blessings will come.
I needed to elaborate on this right now. I've been reading old journals and I was so on fire and studious and just was overflowing of love for the gospel. It was very noticeable and was the one thing I always had on my mind. It's been inspiring to read those old journals...it's no wonder it's a good idea to keep a journal somewhere.
I think I'm nearing the end of this current darkness I've been in and the light is starting to pierce through my heart. I've had gentle reminders lately that I am loved. That is something I have struggled with most, as guilt takes over my being for every little thing. I've forgotten the most simple truth I learned as a child...that Heavenly Father loves me. It is evident in every little thing. I've just been so blind from my pride and so called knowledge of what is best for me, and from rejecting the spirit when it presents itself so blatantly in my life. I've always been given so many chances - endless opportunities - and I have just blew them off and given Satan the last laugh. No more. I want to pour through my memories of my childhood, of my innocence, of my experiences, and reawaken my soul. Heed promptings. Stop fighting it. It just destroys who I am and rips away every fabric of confidence I may have, leaving me alone in an abyss with nothing but evil's laughter smothering me for eternity.
I want joy. I want love. I want comfort. I want security. I want peace.
I'm tired. I can't carry myself anymore. My energy has all been put into ignoring what is right and what is beautiful.
Satan works hardest to destroy that which can be an incredibly powerful tool for good.
I feel like my life has been his project of destruction.
I'm taking my life back.
When I got home today I was thinking about the Joseph Smith movie on Temple Square. It's an amazing movie and really depicts history so well...I think anyone who has the chance should see it, member of the church or not. I was thinking of many experiences I've had in my life and mixing that with what happened during the First Vision.
Joseph went to the grove to pray about which church he should join. This wasn't just a decision he made in one day...he had been questioning for quite some time, especially with all the excitement in his town (and that era in general) concerning religion. He was part of a family that was no stranger to reading their scriptures, and he studied and pondered before going out one morning.
There are two things that stay in my mind so strongly from Joseph's experience that are conveyed so realistically in the movie. Of course the most brilliant part of the story is the vision he had of our Heavenly Father and of Jesus Christ. I need to devote an entire entry (novel?) to my feelings on that subject.
The second thing that really sticks in my mind is something that most people tend to forget: the struggle Joseph had when he started praying. This part of the vision is very dear to me as I have lived such similar experiences, one in particular being when I was very, very close to coming back to the Church after two years of going to a different church. It was a very frightening and enlightening experience for me and I have not shared it with many. It made me realize how brave Joseph was to be key in restoring the Gospel...he could've just backed out and we could all still be in the dark, or perhaps someone else would have been called...I don't know the answer to that. I am not so brave in sharing my experience because many would probably scoff at me and call me crazy or some other medical term.
When Joseph knelt to pray, almost instantly he was attacked by evil. He felt darkness surround him and he couldn't speak...as if his tongue was being held. He really thought that was the end and he was going to be destroyed. No good feelings, no light, no happiness, no answer from God. Oh man, have I felt that. And I get frustrated. I'm like, oh, He must've cut me off, doesn't love me, isn't talking, no answers, I'm going to burn in hell...and I go off on guilt tangents or thinking I know myself. I remember that time in my life. Sometimes I feel like I'm still in it.
But the greatest part is that Joseph kept praying anyway...he didn't give up. And what happened? He saw light. Not only light, but LIGHT. God and His Son. Pretty amazing. Endure to the end, blessings will come.
I needed to elaborate on this right now. I've been reading old journals and I was so on fire and studious and just was overflowing of love for the gospel. It was very noticeable and was the one thing I always had on my mind. It's been inspiring to read those old journals...it's no wonder it's a good idea to keep a journal somewhere.
I think I'm nearing the end of this current darkness I've been in and the light is starting to pierce through my heart. I've had gentle reminders lately that I am loved. That is something I have struggled with most, as guilt takes over my being for every little thing. I've forgotten the most simple truth I learned as a child...that Heavenly Father loves me. It is evident in every little thing. I've just been so blind from my pride and so called knowledge of what is best for me, and from rejecting the spirit when it presents itself so blatantly in my life. I've always been given so many chances - endless opportunities - and I have just blew them off and given Satan the last laugh. No more. I want to pour through my memories of my childhood, of my innocence, of my experiences, and reawaken my soul. Heed promptings. Stop fighting it. It just destroys who I am and rips away every fabric of confidence I may have, leaving me alone in an abyss with nothing but evil's laughter smothering me for eternity.
I want joy. I want love. I want comfort. I want security. I want peace.
I'm tired. I can't carry myself anymore. My energy has all been put into ignoring what is right and what is beautiful.
Satan works hardest to destroy that which can be an incredibly powerful tool for good.
I feel like my life has been his project of destruction.
I'm taking my life back.