Love hurts.
'Til the sun starts to cry and the moon turns to rust...
I feel everything.
I feel happy. I feel ecstatic. I feel joyful. I feel proud. I feel tickled pink and yellow and blue. I feel honored. I feel loved. I feel peaceful.
I feel sadness. I feel melancholy. I feel bitterness. I feel scared. I feel fearful. I feel frustrated. I feel hopeless. I feel upset. I feel disappointed. I feel sorrowful.
Last night my phone rang a ring I haven't heard in three months. I dropped the phone I was talking on and frantically grabbed my cell phone. I was so happy to hear the voice of my friend! "Hey Steph, my friend!" came the soothing voice on the other end.
I already knew what was awaiting me...everyday I get 'vibes' and 'promptings' five minutes before something happens, or even five days. I could just tell by the way the phone rang. But I ignored it like I do every other prompting.
We caught up. We talked. We laughed. We shared our summers, temple trips, loves, stories, jobs.
I've known for months now that somewhere hidden beneath this hardened shell that there was still a miniscule hope, even though my friend and I have talked about our blessings, our emotions, our futures. I knew it would never be, and I was and am okay with that. But I still somewhere inside hoped.
Or perhaps it's because he's so amazing and wonderful in everything he does. Naturally a sweetheart to everyone, never a jerk, so in love with the gospel, a proud RM, works hard to support himself and put himself through school, motivated, ambitious, easy-going, a friend to everyone, talented, self-taught vocalist and pianist, fit, smiles and the world disappears, listens, laughs, has a great time. Not to mention he's the only one that has ever taken me out on a date.
Perhaps I was in love with the type of person, but not the person. And perhaps I had a fear that it was him or I was doomed. Perhaps my own confidence darkens my spirit and makes me feel like I deserve nothing wonderful and I have to settle for mediocre.
I knew the day would come.
I just wasn't prepared. I was honored that he wanted to [and thought to] call me first. That I wasn't just the friend-from-Michigan-who-he-met-on-his-mission anymore, but that I have a real soul to him and that he genuinely cares. I was happy that I could remember the dear things to him that we talked about last August on the beach the first night we ever hung out by chance.
I knew he was meant to be in my life, and I just didn't know where he fit.
He shared with his mother last summer even that he felt he missed his plane by chance for me, that he was meant to be out here for me that day. I always knew that.
And I've known why. Without knowing, just by his example, he has taught me so much. I want to be a better person when I'm around him. I've cleaned up my act so much. I've genuinely fallen in love with the gospel more. I feel loved. I feel like an honorable and respected daughter of God. He lights that flame in everyone he meets.
And now that it's settled, the words of my friend Stacey this morning sparked the light bulb and put the final puzzle piece in where it needs to go. She shared something her Institute teacher taught.
Stacey says:
But maybe you're supposed to be. One of our institute teachers said once that you fall in love with someone, even if they don't love you back it's a good thing because you know what you want in the person youre supposed to marry.
I realized that the purpose was to teach me that I am worth and that I deserve what I look for in a husband. I don't have to settle. I have to keep searching and keep my standards high. I AM worthwhile. My friend taught me what I want in a husband. He showed me, without knowing, that wonderful amazing respectful men do exist, and I doubt he's the only one out there.
I didn't think I still had feelings buried in this heart. Of course I do. He is the first person [in a romantic/friend sense] I've honestly and purely loved with an unconditional love. I can't imagine drifting off and losing the friendship like we so often do with our friends of the opposite sex that we fall for. I've never met someone who loved all I do and had passions for all I love - including the gospel. Never someone so beautiful who poured the love of Christ so thickly on everyone he meets. Yes, I was in love with him. And sure, it's hard to get over.
The funny thing is, it doesn't really hurt.
But I do feel so empty inside.
I think it's more of a reflection on myself and my life that makes the silence echo.
I'm so happy for him [and her]! October 20th will be a beautiful day in their lives. And I'm excited because he said he's sending me my own announcement and my parents the one for their branch. Heh.
I'm even getting copies of his last couple performances since I obviously couldn't be there and he'd text me everytime saying he wished I could be. The royal treatment, yo.
I'm thankful for the little hints in my life. Last weekend when "Angels Among Us" was performed at grand session, I teared up like crazy and my soul was overwhelmed with all of the love I feel from friends...with all of the angels in my life. I always thought angels were sort of a corny obsession to people. But honestly, my life is filled with them.
I'm so blessed to have a friendship so pure and refreshing as that which he has offered me.
I'm so thankful to my Heavenly Father for sending us away from home for so long - for sending His amazing and beautiful children down here so we can do this life together.