A dream of what I'd really, really like to be...
I love Sundays.
They're always a time of reflection and refreshment for me. Granted, everyday in my life I reflect in some way or another, and I feel refreshed through thoughts, dreams, prayer, and scripture study, but Sundays are extra special.
Yesterday was not much different from any other...near the end of sacrament meeting Lorin climbed up on my lap to snuggle and sing the closing hymn with me (I whisper the words in her ear between lines and she sings loud and proud with me). On the way to primary she held my hand, followed by a train of other 4-6 year olds on the way, until we had caboose of five or six children all holding hands with one another while I, the driver, steered to the primary room. During sharing time, three children all chanced for a spot on my lap until I made room for all. You'd think I had candy by the way the kids flocked to me. It's the same on Wednesday nights for mutual, where I'll have one child on my shoulders, one on my back, and one in each arm, with a train chasing after me. I'm not sure at what makes me such a child magnet, but I don't mind. I've lost count of how many times a day I'm told that already you can see that I will be an amazing mother and that I display the tenderness of one as it is. It helps intensify my longing to be a tender mother and a desire to raise my children strong within the bounds of gospel principles.
I love walking into the church. Down the long hall from the doors we park by is the entrance to the chapel, where the missionaries stand posted as friendly, genuine greeters. Not only will I bare a secret and share that I love a good firm handshake and eye contact with any person, but that I especially feel comforted when I just see the missionaries. This comfort applies really to any worthy priesthood holder in the church, but especially the missionaries. Even when I'm out at a store or something and I spot them picking up a few items, just seeing them standing there brings a peace to my anxious soul. I'm not sure if it's the pressed suits or what, but I'm pretty sure it has something to do with the awesome aura that radiates from them, their knowledge of the gospel, and their love for the world.
With this comfort, I also realize my tender age. Soon to approach 22 years old, my internal clock ticks as I seek for the one who is going to stand by my side for an eternity. There are days when I feel so in love with him already. On the way home from the temple a month ago, I looked out the car window at the stars as we were out on a countryside. They were so clear and I felt so comforted knowing that he is somewhere out there, and perhaps looking at the sky at that exact moment. I wonder, is he looking for me? Does he dream of me? Is he on a mission at this very moment, or a returned missionary even? Is he preparing for me? Does he love me? It sounds silly to think such things, but I can't help to feel the excitement and love in my heart as I enjoy such beautiful blessings in my life, as simple as a starry sky. That night, I sat on the front porch and wrote him a letter of my dreaming of him and thoughts of him, wherever he may be. I cannot wait to stand by his side, to support him, to love him, and to grow with him. I'm preparing myself and growing spiritually so I can continue to be worthy of such blessings. My first year of young women I was given by my teacher Sister Johnson (whose husband is now the Bishop, and she is Primary President) a notecard with a quote from President Ezra Taft Benson. I saved that and kept it in my Bible, which is now lost :\ ....but now remembering that I carried that notecard in my wallet all throughout high school. It's an amazing quote that I will have to dig out of a box I packed when moving and post. It kept me pure just knowing the powerful words written on it. It definately helps me, before submitting to temptations, to think of the sacredness and beauty of the covenants I've made and stay true to those instead of easily giving in and feeling I can repent later.
Yesterday during institute (well, when it was over, rather), I looked out the window and words from sacrament meeting talks replaying in my mind. I began to wonder, with the quote by President Benson in my mind, Will I be loved? Am I just plain, or in the eyes of another am I someone desirable? Do I possess qualities that are sought after? Do I have a tender, genuine heart bursting with compassion and overflowing with passion for the gospel? Do those traits shine through, or do I just seem like a young single adult woman chased by primary children? Do I work as hard as I need to? Am I just another young single woman in the dating pool (though there aren't any YSA men here)? Am I just another body that sits in the pew, or do I stand out against a crowd?
I've been processing many of those questions all night, and will continue to through the day. A nice bike ride sounds good right about now.
They're always a time of reflection and refreshment for me. Granted, everyday in my life I reflect in some way or another, and I feel refreshed through thoughts, dreams, prayer, and scripture study, but Sundays are extra special.
Yesterday was not much different from any other...near the end of sacrament meeting Lorin climbed up on my lap to snuggle and sing the closing hymn with me (I whisper the words in her ear between lines and she sings loud and proud with me). On the way to primary she held my hand, followed by a train of other 4-6 year olds on the way, until we had caboose of five or six children all holding hands with one another while I, the driver, steered to the primary room. During sharing time, three children all chanced for a spot on my lap until I made room for all. You'd think I had candy by the way the kids flocked to me. It's the same on Wednesday nights for mutual, where I'll have one child on my shoulders, one on my back, and one in each arm, with a train chasing after me. I'm not sure at what makes me such a child magnet, but I don't mind. I've lost count of how many times a day I'm told that already you can see that I will be an amazing mother and that I display the tenderness of one as it is. It helps intensify my longing to be a tender mother and a desire to raise my children strong within the bounds of gospel principles.
I love walking into the church. Down the long hall from the doors we park by is the entrance to the chapel, where the missionaries stand posted as friendly, genuine greeters. Not only will I bare a secret and share that I love a good firm handshake and eye contact with any person, but that I especially feel comforted when I just see the missionaries. This comfort applies really to any worthy priesthood holder in the church, but especially the missionaries. Even when I'm out at a store or something and I spot them picking up a few items, just seeing them standing there brings a peace to my anxious soul. I'm not sure if it's the pressed suits or what, but I'm pretty sure it has something to do with the awesome aura that radiates from them, their knowledge of the gospel, and their love for the world.
With this comfort, I also realize my tender age. Soon to approach 22 years old, my internal clock ticks as I seek for the one who is going to stand by my side for an eternity. There are days when I feel so in love with him already. On the way home from the temple a month ago, I looked out the car window at the stars as we were out on a countryside. They were so clear and I felt so comforted knowing that he is somewhere out there, and perhaps looking at the sky at that exact moment. I wonder, is he looking for me? Does he dream of me? Is he on a mission at this very moment, or a returned missionary even? Is he preparing for me? Does he love me? It sounds silly to think such things, but I can't help to feel the excitement and love in my heart as I enjoy such beautiful blessings in my life, as simple as a starry sky. That night, I sat on the front porch and wrote him a letter of my dreaming of him and thoughts of him, wherever he may be. I cannot wait to stand by his side, to support him, to love him, and to grow with him. I'm preparing myself and growing spiritually so I can continue to be worthy of such blessings. My first year of young women I was given by my teacher Sister Johnson (whose husband is now the Bishop, and she is Primary President) a notecard with a quote from President Ezra Taft Benson. I saved that and kept it in my Bible, which is now lost :\ ....but now remembering that I carried that notecard in my wallet all throughout high school. It's an amazing quote that I will have to dig out of a box I packed when moving and post. It kept me pure just knowing the powerful words written on it. It definately helps me, before submitting to temptations, to think of the sacredness and beauty of the covenants I've made and stay true to those instead of easily giving in and feeling I can repent later.
Yesterday during institute (well, when it was over, rather), I looked out the window and words from sacrament meeting talks replaying in my mind. I began to wonder, with the quote by President Benson in my mind, Will I be loved? Am I just plain, or in the eyes of another am I someone desirable? Do I possess qualities that are sought after? Do I have a tender, genuine heart bursting with compassion and overflowing with passion for the gospel? Do those traits shine through, or do I just seem like a young single adult woman chased by primary children? Do I work as hard as I need to? Am I just another young single woman in the dating pool (though there aren't any YSA men here)? Am I just another body that sits in the pew, or do I stand out against a crowd?
I've been processing many of those questions all night, and will continue to through the day. A nice bike ride sounds good right about now.