"Hey, It's Me..."
It caught up with me, finally, and I don't know if I have the energy to keep running from it so now I must deal with it. I've always considered myself an optimist with sarcastic undertones, but pessimism has found me and it's nearly crippling. I'm so scared. I've never been so scared in my life. When my mom had cancer I wasn't so scared because she was my mom and "my mom"s don't die and I had faith in that. I lost my faith in me a long time ago and I misplaced my faith in God as faith in the things God gave me. Like money, and security, and a home, and while at least having those things I could do anything, but now that I have none of those things I feel like I can do nothing.
I'm not starving, but I'm hungry. I'm not in agony, but it hurts. I'm not freezing, but I'm cold. I'm not boiling, but I'm hot. I'm not sick, but I'm restless. I'm not petrified, but I'm more scared than I've ever been in my life. I'm already homesick for here and I haven't left. My mom scares me on a daily basis. I'm tired, and refuse to do what needs to be done to move forward. Mostly because if I take these steps it means I have to move forward, and mostly because I have no idea what those steps are.
I take that back, I know what most of them are, but the thing is this: I can't afford to take them and fail. And by "afford" I mean literally and figuratively. I literally can't afford to be stranded in DC, but I spiritually can't afford to fail. I won't be able to take it because it will prove true the things I've thought about myself for far too long. I have doubts, but I need a win, that's all I ask for is a win. And the optimist in me knows it's coming, but the girl who is too old to be theis frightened looks steadfastly to the horizon, terrified to look back lest she miss something, anything.
And through all of this, I still can't believe I'm not getting paid this Friday.
I'm finally crying, and the good thing is that I'm pretty sure it's not about any one thing, but about many things. Or rather, all of those many things made into one ball of stress and expressing itself through my tear ducts.
It's going to be okay. I will be the Sticky Keys Paper Company, and I will start by making a list, and then seeing what I need to accomplish, and then doing it. It's going to be okay. I will call Schwab about taking a loan on my 401K and I will use that money to place a deposit on a room I'm sure this fine woman will let me rent in her house. It's going to be okay. I will harass the daylights out of Ruthi Postow Staffing and find a job. And when I start making money I will save, and pay off my loans, and stop being tragic, and start trying to find what I was meant for. I will do it because I have to do it in order to make it. There are no alternatives that will not cause regret, and so this is the path I will take.
And that's it. No big ending, just a beginning. Past that dark, dark void.
I'm not starving, but I'm hungry. I'm not in agony, but it hurts. I'm not freezing, but I'm cold. I'm not boiling, but I'm hot. I'm not sick, but I'm restless. I'm not petrified, but I'm more scared than I've ever been in my life. I'm already homesick for here and I haven't left. My mom scares me on a daily basis. I'm tired, and refuse to do what needs to be done to move forward. Mostly because if I take these steps it means I have to move forward, and mostly because I have no idea what those steps are.
I take that back, I know what most of them are, but the thing is this: I can't afford to take them and fail. And by "afford" I mean literally and figuratively. I literally can't afford to be stranded in DC, but I spiritually can't afford to fail. I won't be able to take it because it will prove true the things I've thought about myself for far too long. I have doubts, but I need a win, that's all I ask for is a win. And the optimist in me knows it's coming, but the girl who is too old to be theis frightened looks steadfastly to the horizon, terrified to look back lest she miss something, anything.
And through all of this, I still can't believe I'm not getting paid this Friday.
I'm finally crying, and the good thing is that I'm pretty sure it's not about any one thing, but about many things. Or rather, all of those many things made into one ball of stress and expressing itself through my tear ducts.
It's going to be okay. I will be the Sticky Keys Paper Company, and I will start by making a list, and then seeing what I need to accomplish, and then doing it. It's going to be okay. I will call Schwab about taking a loan on my 401K and I will use that money to place a deposit on a room I'm sure this fine woman will let me rent in her house. It's going to be okay. I will harass the daylights out of Ruthi Postow Staffing and find a job. And when I start making money I will save, and pay off my loans, and stop being tragic, and start trying to find what I was meant for. I will do it because I have to do it in order to make it. There are no alternatives that will not cause regret, and so this is the path I will take.
And that's it. No big ending, just a beginning. Past that dark, dark void.