Oh Johnny Boy...
An Open Letter to John Edwards from Ms. StickyKeys
Ramblings from a broken heart
Dearest John,
Way to break my heart John Edwards! I mean, COME ON! Look, I know you're pretty, and you have "needs" [/eyeroll of INTENSE sarcasm], but you know when you absolutely don't cheat on your wife? WHEN SHE'S BELOVED BY THE COUNTRY AND DEALING WITH CANCER!
"B-b-but she was already in remission!"
DEALING! WITH CANCER! Cancer, John! Like, the most sympathetic disease in the world! The one that everyone hates together. IT KILLED JO IN LITTLE WOMEN! (I don't know why, just go with me) JO! And because you loved your wife who was a bit of a pudge (hot pudge, but still, we know politics) and also dealing with cancer, IT MADE YOU EXPONENTIALLY HOTTER FOR STICKING BY HER SIDE!
STICKING BY HER SIDE JOHN! So hott, that I wanted you to be the next VP. Obama/Edwards. It's just a Jergens commercial waiting to happen and YOU ruined it!
Johnny, sweetie, sugar, honey, baby pie! Shh.. come here. A little closer... okay, it's just me and you John. Real talk man, if ever there was a time, for you to get a tube sock, wrap it in saran Wrap and fill it with butter? THIS WAS THE TIME! I mean, like, I know you're all "I only love one woman!", but that statement's kind of negated when you're not only schtupping another woman, but you're paying her exorbitant (and possibly laundered?! OH THE CONTROVERSY!) funds for "campaign ads" that "SUCK!"
Rule number one of political affairs, Johnny boy. When you start to dip into your own pocket, it's time to call it quits. Listen, Elizabeth is a smart cookie, and I'm sure she realized your situation as a pretty boy who can't control his hormones. Did you talk to her at all about it? Because I guarantee you that if a wife has a say in who her husband sleeps with, it's going to be the one that's not going to claim you're the baby daddy later on down the line!
Or maybe she would divorce you, but man, even that's better than publicly embarassing her and ruining any potential at a future political career for yourself. Unless this somehow makes you hotter to certain constituants, I can't see you being more than a Senator babe.
Sigh... *smh*. Such high hopes to be the second hottest president in 2016 (Kennedy is first, John'll be third if you're into Obama - he'll certainly be the most polished).
I hope you get it together, but until you do, I'll be forced to lower my Edwards flag and my "Obama/Edwards: Change the Looks Good" bumber sticker in progress.
Sincerely, your former fan,
Sticky A Keys
Well, at the very least, if they start asking Obama about his infidelities, we know Michelle will lock that down right away. Y'all ain't seent a sista girl until you start trying to talk ish about her man.
Ramblings from a broken heart
Dearest John,
Way to break my heart John Edwards! I mean, COME ON! Look, I know you're pretty, and you have "needs" [/eyeroll of INTENSE sarcasm], but you know when you absolutely don't cheat on your wife? WHEN SHE'S BELOVED BY THE COUNTRY AND DEALING WITH CANCER!
"B-b-but she was already in remission!"
DEALING! WITH CANCER! Cancer, John! Like, the most sympathetic disease in the world! The one that everyone hates together. IT KILLED JO IN LITTLE WOMEN! (I don't know why, just go with me) JO! And because you loved your wife who was a bit of a pudge (hot pudge, but still, we know politics) and also dealing with cancer, IT MADE YOU EXPONENTIALLY HOTTER FOR STICKING BY HER SIDE!
STICKING BY HER SIDE JOHN! So hott, that I wanted you to be the next VP. Obama/Edwards. It's just a Jergens commercial waiting to happen and YOU ruined it!
Johnny, sweetie, sugar, honey, baby pie! Shh.. come here. A little closer... okay, it's just me and you John. Real talk man, if ever there was a time, for you to get a tube sock, wrap it in saran Wrap and fill it with butter? THIS WAS THE TIME! I mean, like, I know you're all "I only love one woman!", but that statement's kind of negated when you're not only schtupping another woman, but you're paying her exorbitant (and possibly laundered?! OH THE CONTROVERSY!) funds for "campaign ads" that "SUCK!"
Rule number one of political affairs, Johnny boy. When you start to dip into your own pocket, it's time to call it quits. Listen, Elizabeth is a smart cookie, and I'm sure she realized your situation as a pretty boy who can't control his hormones. Did you talk to her at all about it? Because I guarantee you that if a wife has a say in who her husband sleeps with, it's going to be the one that's not going to claim you're the baby daddy later on down the line!
Or maybe she would divorce you, but man, even that's better than publicly embarassing her and ruining any potential at a future political career for yourself. Unless this somehow makes you hotter to certain constituants, I can't see you being more than a Senator babe.
Sigh... *smh*. Such high hopes to be the second hottest president in 2016 (Kennedy is first, John'll be third if you're into Obama - he'll certainly be the most polished).
I hope you get it together, but until you do, I'll be forced to lower my Edwards flag and my "Obama/Edwards: Change the Looks Good" bumber sticker in progress.
Sincerely, your former fan,
Sticky A Keys
Well, at the very least, if they start asking Obama about his infidelities, we know Michelle will lock that down right away. Y'all ain't seent a sista girl until you start trying to talk ish about her man.