Get outta my head... get outta my heart.
The last three nights I've had a dream where Blake Lewis was involved with some sort of corporate espionage scheme. He was the muscles of the group and got his jollies by hitting random people with chairs and then accentuating each hit with an apropos vocal entendre. I wouldn't worry too much about this except that the dreams are recurring and that worries me to no end.
It's one of the things that keep me up at night.
On a related note, have you ever been so sad that it made you sick? Like, physically ill? All of my worries, fears, anxieties, stresses, everything have been packed into my stomach and every morning for the past four days I've woken up about 2 hours before I'm supposed to and I just shake.
It's like I'm freezing cold, but I feel nothing but the pit in my stomach. Occasionally I will fall asleep for about five minutes and then there's Blake Lewis slamming random people with chairs and "beatboxing" and you'd think this would alleviate my mood (because, well... come on! He's hitting people with chairs and injecting snark into his act!) but it just makes me sad.
Or more sad I guess. I was talking to my mom about how I was feeling and of course she asked the same questions everyone else does, "Why are you so sad?" and I think it's important to note that she didn't say "What have you got to be sad about?" which means she knows I'm in a sucky state of mind but doesn't know what to do about it besides what she always does; pray and wait for me to come to her.
It works, so I won't knock it.
"Mom, I feel like... remember when we saw that preacher and he talked about being in the "meantime"? The time between something happening and where you are now? I'm in one heck of a meantime. I know what lies ahead for me, I can see it and it's nice, but I also know it's a while off. What am I supposed to do until then? And then I have several friends that are going through a rough time and I wish I could be there for them-"
"Why? Why would you be there for them?"
"Because I care, because I want to be a good friend, Mom."
"It's because you want to be Mother Theresa, and heal all the wounds of the world. You can't heal anyone else until you heal yourself."
"But I can't heal myself, and besides, I've done all I can about my situations, it's just a waiting game now. What am I supposed to do in my meantime?"
"Why can't you heal yourself?"
"Only God can heal me, and He's working, I can feel Him working within me, but I always get in the way, I'm too impatient."
"Well slow down."
"There's not enough time to slow down." And this is the part where I break down, but she thinks it's because I'm only worried about the rest of my life and it's not. The other day I had to tell her something three times and that scares the living daylights out of me. The other day she had three checks to bounce because she forgot some transactions she made, and as I transferred money from my account to hers and wondered how I was going to make up the difference I thought about DC.
How long will I be able to stay there before I have to come back and take care of her? She needs to have knee surgery, and dental work. How long will it be before the rest of her life and a great chunk of mine become intertwined? When will I be able to be independent?
I know that sounds selfish, but it's where I am. I love my mother more than anything, but I need to grow up, to get out of here and quickly. My patience has been gone for a long time, but just because it's nonexistent to me doesn't mean it's not required in the world around me.
So I wait. And I become more self destructive than I've ever been. Getting stupidly drunk and very sick when it was all very preventable. Not only not taking my heart back from a boy who doesn't want it, but deliberately trying to force feed it to him. Pissing off current friends by not shutting up about him. Testing limits that don't need to be tested. Knowing that this period of waiting still involves movement, personal or otherwise, and refusing.
"So you want to save them so that they'll turn around and save you?" she says to me. In bed that night, in between Blake Lewis and whatever randomness pops into my five minute dreams, I contemplate that statement, and every burden in the entire world, and I shake.
It's one of the things that keep me up at night.
On a related note, have you ever been so sad that it made you sick? Like, physically ill? All of my worries, fears, anxieties, stresses, everything have been packed into my stomach and every morning for the past four days I've woken up about 2 hours before I'm supposed to and I just shake.
It's like I'm freezing cold, but I feel nothing but the pit in my stomach. Occasionally I will fall asleep for about five minutes and then there's Blake Lewis slamming random people with chairs and "beatboxing" and you'd think this would alleviate my mood (because, well... come on! He's hitting people with chairs and injecting snark into his act!) but it just makes me sad.
Or more sad I guess. I was talking to my mom about how I was feeling and of course she asked the same questions everyone else does, "Why are you so sad?" and I think it's important to note that she didn't say "What have you got to be sad about?" which means she knows I'm in a sucky state of mind but doesn't know what to do about it besides what she always does; pray and wait for me to come to her.
It works, so I won't knock it.
"Mom, I feel like... remember when we saw that preacher and he talked about being in the "meantime"? The time between something happening and where you are now? I'm in one heck of a meantime. I know what lies ahead for me, I can see it and it's nice, but I also know it's a while off. What am I supposed to do until then? And then I have several friends that are going through a rough time and I wish I could be there for them-"
"Why? Why would you be there for them?"
"Because I care, because I want to be a good friend, Mom."
"It's because you want to be Mother Theresa, and heal all the wounds of the world. You can't heal anyone else until you heal yourself."
"But I can't heal myself, and besides, I've done all I can about my situations, it's just a waiting game now. What am I supposed to do in my meantime?"
"Why can't you heal yourself?"
"Only God can heal me, and He's working, I can feel Him working within me, but I always get in the way, I'm too impatient."
"Well slow down."
"There's not enough time to slow down." And this is the part where I break down, but she thinks it's because I'm only worried about the rest of my life and it's not. The other day I had to tell her something three times and that scares the living daylights out of me. The other day she had three checks to bounce because she forgot some transactions she made, and as I transferred money from my account to hers and wondered how I was going to make up the difference I thought about DC.
How long will I be able to stay there before I have to come back and take care of her? She needs to have knee surgery, and dental work. How long will it be before the rest of her life and a great chunk of mine become intertwined? When will I be able to be independent?
I know that sounds selfish, but it's where I am. I love my mother more than anything, but I need to grow up, to get out of here and quickly. My patience has been gone for a long time, but just because it's nonexistent to me doesn't mean it's not required in the world around me.
So I wait. And I become more self destructive than I've ever been. Getting stupidly drunk and very sick when it was all very preventable. Not only not taking my heart back from a boy who doesn't want it, but deliberately trying to force feed it to him. Pissing off current friends by not shutting up about him. Testing limits that don't need to be tested. Knowing that this period of waiting still involves movement, personal or otherwise, and refusing.
"So you want to save them so that they'll turn around and save you?" she says to me. In bed that night, in between Blake Lewis and whatever randomness pops into my five minute dreams, I contemplate that statement, and every burden in the entire world, and I shake.