Answers to Questions from Joel Hughes
1.) I asked this of someone else, but I'll ask you, too: Are you happy?
In some sense yes I am happy, and in others no. I am happy with who I am; I no longer have to be afraid of my feelings, or have them built up inside of me. I am happy with my life’s path. I have decided on a major that I think best suits me, Creative Writing, and I am on my way to becoming the man I want to be. Now the bad stuff…I am unhappy with my relationship status. I am ready for a relationship, longer than Kevin (if you can even call him a “relationship”). I am unhappy that I am a different person at home than who I am at school. Since I am not out to my two homophobic brothers I cannot be as I’d like to be, which in some cases is flamboyant, ha-ha! I am unhappy with my constant phases of depression. I was in a great mood the week of my 3 month anniversary of being out, but then this past week has been an emotional rollercoaster. Happy, sad, happy, sad… I can never make up my mind. I truly hate being that way; I just bring everyone else around me down too. However, now that summer break has arrived I can concentrate on more important things, like writing my memoir, writing poetry, reading my long list of novels, and starting on a novel of my own.
2.) What has been the single most important event in your life?
No doubt in my mind the single most important event was when I came out of the closet. It was so invigorating to release five years of emotions building up inside of me. Also to have the reaction from the people I have told has been amazing. For the most part it has been filled with open arms and words of encouragement. I couldn’t ask for a better group of friends who have aided me in this journey; but the journey has just begun.
3.) What keeps you going; what makes you get up out of bed each morning?
Constant reminder to myself of what my mother tells me, “Sean, I am so proud of the man you have become son.” Although my Mom can be irritating, I still love her and she is the main constant in my life who gives me feedback on my life. She is always willing to help me emotionally. The word “proud” is something that I just eat up. Whenever anyone has ever said it to me, I automatically feel better about myself. Now being out, feeling better is what I need.
4.) If you had the choice to go back in time and come out of the closet at an earlier time, would you, and why or why not?
I think I would like to have come out earlier. I think about this a lot; I wonder what my life would be like had I come out in high school. Perhaps I would have more experience in relationships. However, I was in denial in high school about my sexuality. I didn’t think I was gay because of how I was raised. My family is mostly racist, I am not however. I think the racism is what made me keep my feelings inside. I do wish I would have at least come out my first semester this year. I feel I could’ve held up much better then.
5.) Choose one word to describe that all-encompassing entity called "life."
Changing, life is always changing…period!
_______________________________________
I am now back at home for the summer. I really didn't want to leave, but now that I am back into the swing of things, I am beginning to feel right again.
On Thursday of last week I had hoped to see Kevin, and tell him goodbye in person. So I called him, he didn't call me back, big surprise huh? But anyways, I was all depressed that night. I kept listening to "But For Now" by Jamie Cullum and crying my eyes out. I though I still loved Kevin, but that I didn't want to anymore, nor want to cry over him anymore. I sort of still feel this way, but now that we are apart I'm better. Next year he is going to be living off-campus, so I won't see him, which will be good for me. I'm ready to move on from Kevin. I'm ready for some guy who will love me for who I am and help me in my quest "to be the man I want to be."
OH! I finished writing my Memoir of my first year of college. I am VERY proud of it! I intend to write another one after each year, and then try to get it published! The bulk of the memoir is about coming out, of course! lol. I'll put some of it once I have it edited a few times, I only have a first draft done!
***Joel, I would like to know if I may have the use of your name in my memoir. I talk about you and how you have helped me through these past months.***
In some sense yes I am happy, and in others no. I am happy with who I am; I no longer have to be afraid of my feelings, or have them built up inside of me. I am happy with my life’s path. I have decided on a major that I think best suits me, Creative Writing, and I am on my way to becoming the man I want to be. Now the bad stuff…I am unhappy with my relationship status. I am ready for a relationship, longer than Kevin (if you can even call him a “relationship”). I am unhappy that I am a different person at home than who I am at school. Since I am not out to my two homophobic brothers I cannot be as I’d like to be, which in some cases is flamboyant, ha-ha! I am unhappy with my constant phases of depression. I was in a great mood the week of my 3 month anniversary of being out, but then this past week has been an emotional rollercoaster. Happy, sad, happy, sad… I can never make up my mind. I truly hate being that way; I just bring everyone else around me down too. However, now that summer break has arrived I can concentrate on more important things, like writing my memoir, writing poetry, reading my long list of novels, and starting on a novel of my own.
2.) What has been the single most important event in your life?
No doubt in my mind the single most important event was when I came out of the closet. It was so invigorating to release five years of emotions building up inside of me. Also to have the reaction from the people I have told has been amazing. For the most part it has been filled with open arms and words of encouragement. I couldn’t ask for a better group of friends who have aided me in this journey; but the journey has just begun.
3.) What keeps you going; what makes you get up out of bed each morning?
Constant reminder to myself of what my mother tells me, “Sean, I am so proud of the man you have become son.” Although my Mom can be irritating, I still love her and she is the main constant in my life who gives me feedback on my life. She is always willing to help me emotionally. The word “proud” is something that I just eat up. Whenever anyone has ever said it to me, I automatically feel better about myself. Now being out, feeling better is what I need.
4.) If you had the choice to go back in time and come out of the closet at an earlier time, would you, and why or why not?
I think I would like to have come out earlier. I think about this a lot; I wonder what my life would be like had I come out in high school. Perhaps I would have more experience in relationships. However, I was in denial in high school about my sexuality. I didn’t think I was gay because of how I was raised. My family is mostly racist, I am not however. I think the racism is what made me keep my feelings inside. I do wish I would have at least come out my first semester this year. I feel I could’ve held up much better then.
5.) Choose one word to describe that all-encompassing entity called "life."
Changing, life is always changing…period!
_______________________________________
I am now back at home for the summer. I really didn't want to leave, but now that I am back into the swing of things, I am beginning to feel right again.
On Thursday of last week I had hoped to see Kevin, and tell him goodbye in person. So I called him, he didn't call me back, big surprise huh? But anyways, I was all depressed that night. I kept listening to "But For Now" by Jamie Cullum and crying my eyes out. I though I still loved Kevin, but that I didn't want to anymore, nor want to cry over him anymore. I sort of still feel this way, but now that we are apart I'm better. Next year he is going to be living off-campus, so I won't see him, which will be good for me. I'm ready to move on from Kevin. I'm ready for some guy who will love me for who I am and help me in my quest "to be the man I want to be."
OH! I finished writing my Memoir of my first year of college. I am VERY proud of it! I intend to write another one after each year, and then try to get it published! The bulk of the memoir is about coming out, of course! lol. I'll put some of it once I have it edited a few times, I only have a first draft done!
***Joel, I would like to know if I may have the use of your name in my memoir. I talk about you and how you have helped me through these past months.***